Caged in the Menagerie

Tony Longworth (file)

On Tuesday night, Tony and I went out to see the hi-def, remastered version of "The Menagerie," the only two-part episode of the original Star Trek. The new special effects were nice and all that, but what really struck me about the episode was the degree of sexual innuendo - both deliberate and unintentional.

Kirk has a legendary reputation as an intergalactic lothario, but I keep forgetting just how many episodes, even serious ones like this, feed that mythology. In the opening moments of the show, an attractive young yeoman at a starbase Kirk is visiting chats him up. At first, she mentions a mutual friend - a female one - and Kirk looks worried. But the young lady smiles warmly and says something like "She spoke...very highly of you" while her eyes roam up and down his body. Cut to a reaction shot of Kirk's smug grin. The audience loved it.

Then, Kirk is presented with a projection of a stunning green alien dancer. A minor character speaks glowingly of her attributes, and Kirk's expression is one of naked arousal. Shatner really knew how to sell this stuff.

Finally, there's a scene where the female guest star is attempting to entice Captain Pike, Kirk's predecessor, into staying on the alien planet where she's imprisoned. She and Pike are in a sort of virtual reality, and it's heavily implied that at long last she's convinced Pike to have sex with her. But they're interrupted by the arrival of Pike's officers, who intrude on the dream state, and the guest star wails, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wasn't finished!" The entire audience broke up.

Tony and I, by the by, are both Past Presidents of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club. I guess that means we're pretty geeky. Not as geeky, though, as the folks dressed up as Klingons who scanned us on the way into the theatre, ensuring that we were not "alien infiltrators." As one who owns a phaser, communicator, and dozens of Trek action figures, though, I'm not going to throw the first tribble.

Beowulf in the Fold

Thanks to the kindness of Michael Spears, a friend from work, Sylvia and I went to see tonight's sneak preview of Beowulf, presented in 3-D on the Imax screen at West Edmonton Mall.

I wasn't expecting much, to be honest; I prefer live action features to animation. But the timeless story was well told, thanks in great part to Neil Gaiman's script, excellent voice acting and some astonishingly vivid virtual cinematography. The 3-D work was excellent as well, with every scene showing true depth; even the Paramount and Warner Brothers logos that opened the film looked amazing. 3-D has come a long way since It Came from Outer Space and Creature from the Black Lagoon. There were a few of the seemingly mandatory 3-D gimmicks - rocks and spears flying out of the screen toward the viewer - but director Bob Zemeckis really restrained himself, making each such moment much more effective. One such gag actually made me flinch; you'll recognize which when you experience it.

But I think what I appreciated most was the film's emotional core; it's the first time I've cared about CGI characters since the Toy Story movies. Hero or villain, every character gives you a reason to care about their plight, to try to understand their actions and feelings. And I loved the ending, about which I'll say no more lest I give anything away.

Four out of five stylized letter Es.

Worst Zombie Fighters Ever

On Saturday night, Pete, Colin, Mike, Jeff and I gathered for a relaxing night of board games. We started off with Settlers of Catan - great game - but the real story of the night was what must have been the most inept game of Zombies!!! ever played.

For those unfamiliar with Zombies!!!, the game attempts to recreate the plot and atmosphere of a typical zombie film. A group of desperate survivors stands in the middle of a city overrun with shambling, flesh-eating zombies; they must find a way to escape the city before they're devoured by the mindless but deadly creatures.

The players start off in the town square; each turn, a new section of the city is revealed, either a street or building of some sort. The last section of the city to be revealed is the helicopter pad. The first player to reach the helicopter escapes; the rest are left behind to their fate.

As it happened, I took the first turn. I dashed into the street to fight my first zombie. The odds of winning hand-to-hand combat with one of the game's zombies really aren't that bad; you roll a 6-sided die to determine your fate. If you roll 4-6, you win and add the zombie to your collection; 1-3, and you lose one of three bullets or one of three hearts. Once you enter combat with a zombie, you must continue until one of you is vanquished; if you lose your last heart, you die.

I promptly rolled between 1-3 six times in a row. Thus, I died right before the horrified eyes of my fellow protagonists only seconds into the game. In zombie movie terms, I had become the disposable character used in the opening moments to show just how dire the zombie threat is.

There was much laughter as I placed my token back in the starting square, symbolically introducing a new character to the game/film.

But I wasn't the only one short on luck that night. Defying all probability, each of us stumbled our way through the game, consistently rolling ones, twos and threes, with the occasional four or five mixed in. We hobbled from square to square, zombies feasting on our flesh at will. I died at least five times; most of us died three times. Mike held out the longest, but eventually he too would face the horror and humiliation of being forced back to the town square. It got to the point that I was crying with laughter, and my voice took on that high-pitched squeal of complete loss of self-control.

In the end, Jeff's third or fourth avatar managed to fight his way into the chopper and leave the rest of us sad sacks behind to a well-deserved fate. Were the story of that particular game indeed transformed into a film, it would have been as if the Keystone Kops or perhaps Pauly Shore and Carrot Top were fighting off the zombie hordes. Action heroes, we were not.

The Mighty Sampson

My old friend Allan Sampson was in town for a few days in late September and early October. Allan's currently living and working in the US, enjoying the climate and the opportunities there. We had a chance to chat about old times, politics, movies and trends in technology and culture...it's always good to touch base in person with the people you've grown close to. Having friends in the US, Europe and spread across Canada makes it tough to stay connected sometimes, which means that I'm going to have to bite the bullet soon and do some extraprovincial visiting.

Here's one of my favourite Allan stories. I was over at his place, and for some reason - probably unquenchable ennui - Allan stuck a suction-cup dart right to the middle of his forehead and left it there for a couple of minutes. It looked ridiculous, and naturally I had a laughing fit. Things got even worse when Allan pulled the dart free; there was a cartoonish pop, and the dart left behind a perfectly circular welt. Unfortunately I didn't have the presence of mind to take a picture while all this was happening, and no matter how much I pleaded, a disgusted Allan refused to reenact the scenario for posterity. Too bad - I could have posted photographic proof to supplement this little story.

Journey to the Edge of Nowhere, Part III

To read parts one and two, go here:
http://earljwoods.blogspot.com/2007_02_25_archive.html
http://earljwoods.blogspot.com/2007_04_29_archive.html

That first day we rode across the vast plains of Saskatchewan, gliding on a ribbon of asphalt. We’d gotten a later start than we planned, so by the time we reached Prince Albert, we decided to stop and rent a room. So much for our grandiose plans to camp the whole way! However, the hotel lobby included a diorama of a campsite, so Sylvia suggested I take a picture:



“This is what we should be doing,” she said.


The next morning we headed northeast, the sun beating down on us, following the 55, eyes scanning the road for the junction that would take us north to the Hanson Lake Road. It wasn’t much of an intersection, just a couple of lonely road signs and a choice: go straight to Nipawin, bear left for parts unknown. Or at least, so it felt, with the two lonely highways and the road signs the only signs of civilization in the middle of the vast, dense forest we were about to traverse.

It was shortly after made the turn that the trouble started: the ominous orange glow of the “Check Engine” light slowly burned into being. We pulled into a lonely gas station, practically abandoned, with an old-style pump and an empty garage, its frame sagging under the weight of years. There was an ancient tricycle with faded red paint; it reminded me of the one in “Miri,” sad, silent monument of innocence lost and a civilization long gone.


When confronted with a mechanical problem, I leapt into action as I always do – by phoning my dad, who informed me that the most likely cause was an improperly fitted gas cap. Well, that didn’t sound too serious. On the other hand, we were heading into pretty sparsely populated territory, and if the car broke down halfway between Flin Flon and Thompson…

The hell with it. We pulled out of the lot, tires kicking up gravel just as if we were in a 70s cop show, and returned to the highway. North by Northeast, along the Hanson Lake Road.
Time and conversation whittled away hours and asphalt, just as our northward push steadily diminished the frequency of human contact. We’d see other vehicles once every fifteen minutes or so, and road signs warned ominously that your next chance to stop for fuel would be your last for hundreds of kilometres.


Accordingly, we stopped at Caribou Creek, which consists of the building you see here and not much else. The combination diner/convenience store within was dimly lit and populated by a half-dozen locals, obviously regulars. Knick-knacks that must have been decades old lined the shelves, and I was almost surprised that they accepted my debit card.


Our fuel tank replenished, we returned to the road, plunging back into a forest held at bay only by that fragile strip of pressed carbon (and, I suppose, the appearance of regular maintenance crews). We enjoyed each other’s company for a while, moving easily from conversation to silence and back again.


But as time passed, nature beckoned – in more ways than one. We kept our eyes open for a rest stop, but for what seemed like an age, nothing but endless waves of trees passed us by. At last, after nearly two hours of increasingly desperate driving, a sign of salvation beckoned – a simple white-on-brown pictogram, depicting a picnic table.


We took the turnoff and found ourselves driving down a long, winding gravel road, the trees closing in on either side, large divots presenting a real hazard to the car. We crept along cautiously, and two brown rabbits scooted out in front of us, just a couple of metres away. They froze in the middle of the path, ears twitching, examining the intruder.

“Don’t run over them!” Sylvia squealed, which made me wonder if I’d carried the whole curmudgeon-who-doesn’t-like-cute-things act a little too far. When it became clear that I had no interest in running down the creatures, Sylvia was reassured enough to coo over the bunnies, obviously delighted. They stayed in place for so long that I thought perhaps I’d have time to snap a picture – but of course, as soon as I had the camera in hand, they darted back into the bush.

Once the welcoming committee had departed, we moved on, eventually coming to a rest at…the rest stop, a single double outhouse (one door for male, one for female) and a half-dozen or so camping stalls, each with a metal fire pit. After making use of the first structure, our thoughts turned to our bellies. I had no intention of setting up a tent, but at least we could pretend to camp by starting a fire and cooking a meal.



Amazingly, despite the presence of endless hectares of tinder-dry forest, a sack of briquettes and lighter fluid, I managed to start a fire without burning down the province. I even cooked a couple of decent pork chops and a small crop of potatoes, and it tasted fine. There really is something about food cooked in the wild over a natural flame, even if the food itself comes from your local grocery store.



We took a few pictures, cleaned up after ourselves, and moved on. Manitoba drew closer with every minute, and our next stop would be the strangely-named Flin Flon, my birthplace…the sunless city.


Well, not quite the next stop. I pulled over to take a couple of shots that explained the history of the Hanson Lake Road:

Next: Manitoba at Last. Click here to read Part IV.

Third Degree, Burned

Yes, that's me, singing "Love in the First Degree." The video was shot in 139 Kelsey, my dorm room at Lister Hall, which means it would have been during my third or fourth year at the University of Alberta. Judging by the look on my face, I must have been feeling carefree and goofy rather than full of post-adolescent angst - thank goodness. It was an angsty time. Not angsty enough, thankfully, to push me toward what would have been a doubtless humiliating attempt to pursue a career as a vocalist.
The true purpose of this post is to test blogger's new video feature. Embedding YouTube videos is pretty easy, but what the heck - may as well try out all the options. Also, I've unearthed some 8mm footage that might make an excellent supplement for Part III of the Leaf Rapids story...

100 Posts or Bust

Earl was in Red Deer this weekend to stop some runaway horses...and maybe start some others.

Earlier this year, I told myself that I wanted to post 100 times in 2007. I'm almost halfway to that goal with only a couple of months before the end of the year. It's not for want of things to write about, that's for sure - it's time and spirit.

By publicly stating my goal, I'm giving myself an incentive to provide another 50 substantiative, interesting blahgs (well, that's all in the eye of the beholder) before year's end. So visit more often; there should be something interesting to read almost every day.

Anyone else having trouble with Blogger?

I've been trying to post a wedding followup for days, only to suffer timeout after timeout, and the dashboard won't load...I don't even know if this post will work. The connection to blogger keeps failing and failing...getting that wedding post up took me several hours of trying. I'm really getting frustrated.

My Big Fat Geek Wedding: The Ceremony

Artwork by Jeff Shyluk
On August 11, Sylvia and I were married. After many months of planning, a lot of stress and a broken leg, everything came together perfectly, thanks to the help and generosity of our family and friends. We had a really terrific day, and at the end of it all we really were completely overwhelmed by the warmth, humanity and decency of the many people who have touched our lives. It really was a memorable day for us, and we're so grateful that our dearest friends were either able to attend or sent us their best wishes from afar.

A few highlights...

The bride arrives in style, pulling up in a stretch limo.

Our officiant, Kevin Taft, briefs the crowd before the appearance of the bride and groom. Here's how the wedding program was scripted. There were just a couple of ad libs...

12:55: Introduction of marriage commissioner and announcements

KEVIN: Good afternoon, and thank you all so much for coming. My name is Kevin Taft, and I’m very pleased to serve as Earl and Sylvia’s marriage commissioner today. Before the bride and groom arrive, I have a couple of quick announcements.First, feel free to take photographs as the bride and groom make their way onto the stage, and as they exit. During the ceremony itself, however, we would ask that you refrain from flash photography. Yolande, the official photographer, will be taking photos during that time.

After the ceremony is complete, Earl and Sylvia will be available to greet guests in the receiving line in the main lobby. The staff here at Woodvale need to start rearranging the room for tonight’s reception, so I would ask everyone to quickly move out into the lobby as soon as the bride and groom have left the room.Everyone is welcome to use the clubhouse on the second floor. Cocktails start here at 5:30; dinner is at 6, and the dance follows at 9.

All right, with all that out of the way, let’s begin.

1:00 Procession of Groom’s Party, Entrance of Bridal Party

[Kevin signals usher Mike Totman, who will be standing by the ghetto blaster, that it’s okay to start the entrance music for the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Music (“Hymn”) plays, groom and bride’s parties take the stage. Follow with groom’s and groom’s parents entrance (“Ilia’s Theme”), then bride’s and bride’s parents entrance (“Con Te Partito”). Pause for a moment for photographs, then move to…]


Jim Hole leads a standing ovation for Sylvia, who walked down the aisle in spite of a badly broken, still-healing leg.

1:15-1:20 VOWS

KEVIN: For many years, all Members of the Legislative Assembly have had one happy privilege: that of uniting two people in the bonds of matrimony. And so, we are gathered here today with you, Sylvia Frances Boucher, and you, Earl James Woods, in the sight of your family and friends, in accordance with our laws and many beliefs, that you may pledge, before these witnesses, your love for one another and your commitment to sharing a life together.
Sylvia, Earl, the people gathered here today have come before us to witness the formal and public declaration of your marriage. Will you now, before these people, stand and declare, in your own words, your intention to love and cherish one another, from this moment forward?

EARL and SYLVIA: We will.

KEVIN: Then please proceed with your wedding vows.

[Earl and Sylvia stand; Sylvia hands Norma her flowers; Earl and Sylvia speak their vows to each other while holding hands.]

EARL: Sylvia, you have opened up new worlds for me. You are my greatest treasure, my best friend, my most trusted companion. I promise to love you completely, to make your happiness my first and most joyful duty, to protect you from harm, and to share the adventure of life with you, from this moment forward.



SYLVIA: Earl, you have brought peace into my life, peace I’ve never experienced before. You are my constant, my best friend, my greatest joy. Your happiness is my happiness, and my vow to you is to love and take care of you always, and to support you through whatever life brings. I love you. You are my Superman.

KEVIN: Earl and Sylvia have chosen a short selection of quotes and poems to summarize, in a few words, their feelings for each other. First, I would ask Sylvia’s Aunt and godmother, Frances Joly, to take the stage for the first reading.

FRANCES: On Soulmates - This reading is from The Bridge Across Forever, by Richard Bach, best known as the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

The second reading is from the I Ching, the Chinese Book of Changes, an ancient text that explores the inevitability of change; in this case, a positive one.

When two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze. And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

KEVIN: Thank you, Frances. Now I would ask Earl’s friend Peter Harris to step forward and deliver the second reading.

PETER: My first reading is "She Walks in Beauty," by the British Romantic poet, Lord Byron. With apologies to the original author, Earl has made one slight amendment to this famous poem, changing a single word to better match his bride.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every golden tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!



The second reading is "To Celia," a romance poem of transcendent love rendered in English by Ben Jonson from a love letter by Philostratus of ancient Athens.

Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss within the cup,
And I'll not ask for wine

The thirst that from the soul doth rise,
Doth crave a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
I would not change for thine

I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
Not so much honoring thee
As giving it a hope that there
It could not withered be;

But thou thereon didst only breathe
And sent'st back to me,
Since when it grows and smells, I swear,
Not of itself, but thee.

KEVIN: Thank you, Peter. Now, will the Best Man please step forward to present the rings?

[Jeff, the best man, moves into position and hands over Sylvia’s ring to Earl. He remains in place.]

KEVIN: Earl, please repeat after me:
Sylvia, accept this ring/as the physical manifestation/of my never-ending love for you.



[Earl gives Sylvia her ring.]

[Jeff hands over Earl’s ring to Sylvia. Jeff moves back into his normal position.]

KEVIN: Now Sylvia, please repeat after me:
Earl, take this ring/as a sign and symbol/of my undying love for you.

[Sylvia gives Earl his ring.]

KEVIN: Now will both of you please repeat after me:Let these rings symbolize/our infinite love/and commitment to one another.

KEVIN: And now, to satisfy the legal requirements of this civil marriage ceremony, I would ask the groom to repeat after me:

I do solemnly declare/that I do not know of any lawful impediment/ why I, Earl J. Woods,/may not be joined in matrimony to Sylvia F. Boucher.

I call upon those persons present/to witness that I, Earl J. Woods,/do take thee, Sylvia Frances Boucher,/to be my lawful wedded wife.

KEVIN: And now, the bride. Sylvia, please repeat after me:

I do solemnly declare/that I do not know of any lawful impediment/why I, Sylvia Frances Boucher,/ may not be joined in matrimony to Earl J. Woods.

I call upon those persons present/to witness that I, Sylvia Frances Boucher,/do take thee, Earl J. Woods,/to be my lawful wedded husband.

KEVIN: Thank you. With these requirements satisfied, and with these two people expressing openly and honestly their love for one another in the sight of their friends and family, there is one more important task to accomplish. Would the Best Man and Maid of Honour please join the bride and groom to witness the signing of the marriage certificate?



[Mike starts signing music. Earl carries Sylvia to signing table. At the same time, Norma carries flowers to signing table and places them there for décor. Norma and Jeff witness as Earl and Sylvia sign the certificate; when finished, they resume their original positions in front of the columns.]



KEVIN: I am pleased to declare you husband and wife. You may share a kiss.

KEVIN: Ladies and gentlemen, please join with me in celebrating the union of Earl J. Woods and Sylvia Frances Boucher Woods!

[Earl carries Sylvia to lobby for receiving line; rest of wedding party follows.]

Next: The Reception...

The Night Before

In just a few hours, Sylvia and I will be married. And yet we're still working out last-minute details. Tomorrow is going to be a long (but fun) day.

In the meantime, I want to thank the gang for putting on a terrific bachelor party for me back on July 21. I had a great time - here are some of the highlights.

The gang surprised me by showing up in superhero-themed t-shirts. In the back row we have Pete as the Greatest American Hero, Sean as Black Adam, Mike as Daredevil, Scott as Grendel, and Jeff as the Flash. Up front there's Steve as Batman, me as Superman, and Colin as Green Lantern.

Before heading to Schank's sports bar for boozeahol, we engaged in some old-school RPGing: Villains and Vigilantes. This game is amusing because its central conceit is to cast you, the player, as a superhero. In other words, rather than making up some imaginary character, you play yourself - but with abilities far beyond those of mortal men. If the way our game went is any indication, humanity's in deep trouble if any of our gang ever gets super powers.

Mike was mesmerized by this flying toy.

Whenever Mike gets drunk, he's overcome with the urge to stick his tongue in someone's ear. This time I was the victim.

Titty twister, ARRRGH

At right, Dustin finishes off some grog.

Mike explains his philosophy of life.

Guess this is my last blog post as a single guy. Stay frosty, true believers!

6 Days and Counting

Wedding rehearsal's on Wednesday, Sylvia's on a day pass from Grandview and having her dress fitted right now, tuxedo fitting sometime this week, guests coming in from out of town, still have to write the program for the reception...

Common-law gets more appealing with every minute.

At least the readings are chosen - of course I haven't emailed them to Pete and Sylvia's aunt yet, maybe I'd better do that instead of blogging...

I'm hoping Sean will jump for joy sometime during the event.

One thing is certain - Sylvia is going to look HAWT.

From the Archives...

While searching for something else entirely, I stumbled upon an email I wrote to the Bulwer-Lytton "worst first sentence" contest back in 1999. I don't know if any of the three sentences I submitted ever appeared, but for the record, here's the original email...

Dear Professor Rice,

Having enjoyed (?) the various and sundry Dark and Stormy collections, I was delighted to discover that bad writing has found a home on the World Wide Web. While a mere piker in the field myself, I cannot hold back any longer - the clarion call of putrid prose beckons. Here, then, is my first humble offering, from the novel The Shambling Wrath Bean, a story of suspense and intruigue set in the mythical kingdom of Shinbarkia, in the year 20--. It begins:


Barney battled Bob, both boobs boxed betwixt barriers, butts bruised, balls busted, bodies battered, brandishing bottles.


And the second entry, from Rock Savage and the Pinwheel of Doom:

"A turd in the hand is worse than two in the bush," giggled Sabrina Virtue, the wide-eyed but pulchitrudinous sidekick of Rock Savage, sworn enemy of Dr. Cerebellum - Evil Brain in a Jar - and Rock, said turd in hand, sat down heavily, reminding himself never to fall for that particular college prank again.

The third, from Pair of Dice, Lost:

Thrice-whipped, the pale hula hoops of Hades roll on.

There you are, Professor. Enjoy - or grimace. And thank you for years of gut-churningly bad writing. Your compilations have been an inspiration!

Best wishes,


Earl J. Woods

Droplights

Don't forget to click to embiggen.

It's No Joke

Sylvia just phoned to tell me that her on-call doctor at Grandview is none other than...

Dr. Spock.

I feel much better about this whole affair now.

And as if That Weren't Enough...

Just as I was pulling into my parking spot last night, returning home from a visit with Sylvia, my brother called my cell.

"I have some exciting news," he said.

"Oh?"

"Jeff and I just got rear-ended."

Jeff being Jeff Pitts, professional catastrophe magnet. Both Jeff and Sean are bruised but unbroken - in fact, Jeff laughed it off with a "I can't believe Earl missed this!"

Where's that other shoe? Zounds.

Achy Breaky Leg

On July 3, Sylvia and I arrived home from work simultaneously, a reasonably rare occurence. We took the elevator up to our condo together, started down the hall, and as I was unlocking the door Sylvia fell down in just the wrong way and broke her tibia in three places.

I called 911. The ambulance took at least a half hour to arrive - emergency services in Aberta's major cities often experience such delays thanks to growth pressures. We were taken to the Royal Alex, then waited in the hallway with the paramedics for a couple of hours, Sylvia trying to manage the incredible pain as best she could. A doctor - or was it a nurse? - my memory probably isn't to be trusted - put on a splint. Then they called orthopedics. X-rays were taken, we moved from room to room, and by three in the morning, Sylvia had a proper bed in section 32. I arrived home at four, got a couple of hours sleep, then headed back to the hospital.

Sylvia was still on the waiting list for emergency surgery; they had to put a rod in her tibia to properly fix the break. More than a day later, the operation was done, and done well; the doctors expect a full recovery, though it's going to take a couple of months. Now Sylvia is recuperating at Grandview, undergoing physiotherapy. She'll probably be there at least a couple of weeks, though she's determined to get out sooner.

Fortunately, the health care professionals at the Alex and at Grandview have been superb. Sylvia's received excellent care, and I'm very grateful to everyone who has helped her recover thus far.

As might be expected, Sylvia's emotions are bouncing up and down a little at this point. But she's exceptionally brave and tough, two qualities that attracted me to her in the first place. The wedding is going ahead as planned, though we might have to make some different arrangements for Sylvia's walk down the aisle...she was thinking of getting one of those man-portable things that Cleopatra rode around in (at least in popular fiction). At least it'll fit into the movie theme...

(Sylvia gave me her blessing to blog about this bit of news; it just didn't feel right to blithely write about comic books or Star Trek after a serious accident like this.)

Logdriver's Waltz

In honour of Canada Day, I present what I believe should be our second official national anthem: The Log Driver's Waltz.

Queen of the Road

So a few days back I was asked if I'd volunteer to take some photographs of Kevin and a few carefully chosen models for this year's tour van. I'm no professional, but some of the shots turned out pretty well, and one of them was actually used for one side of the van. Even better, Sylvia came out to the shoot since she's done some modelling in the past, and made the final cut. So this summer she'll be touring the province, larger than life, on the side of Kevin's van.

Hail Naes!

From: Earl J. Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 8:37 PM

To: Sean Woods

Subject: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

http://video.scifi.com/player/?id=123885

From: Sean Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 9:09 PM

To: 'Earl J. Woods'

Subject: RE: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I will watch this, no matter how horrible it is.

Hopefully it has dialogue that compares to that of the 1980 film.

“Congratulations, Flash – you’ve saved your Earth. Have a nice day.”

From: Earl J. Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 9:24 PM

To: 'Sean Woods'

Subject: RE: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Premieres the day before the wedding…what kind of omen is that?

From: Sean Woods

Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 5:09 PM

To: 'Earl J. Woods'

It disgusts me that you do not know the answer to this question. Very well, I will provide you with the meaning of the release date.

It OBVIOUSLY means that you need to hire a Ming stand-in that will make the crowd believe that Sylvia is being forced to marry him against her will. The vows to be used will be pulled directly from the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. When Sylvia gives the answer “I will NOT” to Ming’s vows/proposal, you will crash through the wall/windows/doors in your Corolla, which incidentally will be rigged to look like War Rocket Ajax. The crowd will scatter, and you will get out of the Corolla/WR Ajax and say “Forget it Ming, Sylvia’s with me!” You will push “Ming” to the ground, Dad will kick him in the ribs (in true Bob Woods fashion), and the wedding will commence as “normal.”

There. I’ve planned your wedding.

Never-Before-Published Mad Science Adventure!

Back in the 90s, I wrote a few comic strips for Prairie Jam, a publication of ESPA, the Edmonton Small Press Association. This is the last strip, gorgeously illustrated by Michael Gushue, never publicly revealed...until now! Don't forget to click to embiggen.

Supernatural Deal

Last winter, tickets for DJ Fresh Christ were selling for less than 50 bucks! Can't pass up a heavenly deal like that..

Subtle Superhero Subtext

Why does Nemesis react so poorly to the other hero's friendly gesture? It seems like there's something else going on here, something I can't quite put my finger on.

The Plot to Review the Plot to Save Socrates

Some time ago, I wrote a brief review of John Scalzi's Old Man's War. (Read the review at http://earljwoods.blogspot.com/2007/02/young-mans-fancy-old-mans-war.html. )

Author Paul Levinson left a short blahgthering on the review, and in response I mentioned that I'd been wanting to read his well-reviewed time travel tale, The Plot to Save Socrates, for some time.

That time has come - and without even meaning to, I've used the word "time" three times - whoops, now four - before even mentioning that the book's plot device, which drives the plot of The Plot to Save Socrates, is, you guessed it, time travel.

I love time travel stories. There's something compelling about the human desire to slip beyond our minute-by-minute existence and either correct an imperfect past or steal an advance glimpse of our tomorrows.

Levinson treats us to both in The Plot to Save Socrates. In brief, an American grad student runs across a never-before-seen Socratic dialogue, a dialogue that seems to hint that Socrates was, just before his execution, visited by a time traveller. From that starting point, an appealling cast of characters from ancient Greece to the mid-21st century tries to solve the enigma of the dialogue. Who wrote it? To what purpose? And is it possible that Socrates can be saved?

Like many time travel novels, the questions of paradox, predestination, fate and the urge to fight it loom large in Levinson's work. In fact, the philosophy of time travel has rarely been so thoroughly explored - Levinson can't resist having the father of philosophy himself weigh in on the debate, and Socrates' musings alone are worth the read.

Levinson's prose is clear, concise, and a pleasure to read, something he has in common with Scalzi, McDevitt and Haldeman, the three authors I mentioned in the review Levinson commented on. And thank goodness, because the novel's plot is rather Byzantine, with characters hopping back and forth through time and shifting points of view in both time, space and identity. A solid prose style combined with excellent storytelling ability is a rare thing, and made The Plot to Save Socrates a real pleasure to read.

I do have one small quibble. A significant subplot involving the ultimate fate of one of the leads was wrapped up "offscreen," as it were, resolved in narration rather than shown. I suppose I didn't need to be force-fed the resolution, but I was curious...

On the whole, though, The Plot to Save Socrates is worth a read because it raises the philosophical and moral questions of time travel in a new and interesting way. Is it morally correct to attempt to change history - even "for the better?" Does free will really exist, or is it an illusion? Levinson asks some pointed questions about Socrates' legacy too, and if you're a casual student of philosophy like me, you'll find the discussion fascinating.

Dooley Elected?

On Saturday, June 9, I headed down to Drumheller-Stettler to support Tom Dooley, Alberta Liberal candidate for today's by-election. Tom is a stand-up guy; he's already a committed public servant, and a very warm, approachable, caring person. Rural Alberta is still pretty hostile territory for Liberals of any stripe, but Tom ran a great campaign and people in the riding have responded very positively to his genuine manner. Polls close in a few minutes, so we'll see to what degree his work - and the work of the dozens of volunteers who came out to help his campaign - has paid off.

The last time I campaigned for a candidate was back in 1986; I volunteered for Don Sparrow, the PC candidate for Leduc. (I was 17, and hadn't yet realized that conservative values are not my values.) It was a very different experience this time around, campaigning from the opposition side, and particularly in Stettler, where conservatism is, according to conventional wisdom, king. No one spat in my face, but there were a few pretty coolly polite responses.

On the other hand, there was certainly an undercurrent of discontent with the current government, and I found more Alberta Liberal voters than I thought I would. So perhaps the political ground is shifting. (We'll find out shortly.)

At one house, a huge dog, as tall as I was, leapt onto me, paws on my shoulders, tongue in my face. But, surprising myself, I was able to continue my schpiel. Dogs of that size usually scare the jeepers out of me, but somehow I managed to step outside and away from those emotions and focus on the job at hand.

It felt like a positive step. Of course, I did wind up with a pretty swollen right eye, thanks to my allergies. (A couple of fellow volunteers worried that perhaps someone had punched me.)

7:57 - time to see if Tom (and Craig Cheffins, our candidate in Calgary-Elbow) will be joining us in the Legislature.

UPDATE: Well, with 71 of 71 polls reporting, it looks like the PC's Jack Hayden has emerged victorious, with 58% of the vote; Tom placed second, with 14%.

FURTHER UPDATE: On the bright side, it looks like Mr. Cheffins has won in Calgary-Elbow, with 75 of 77 polls reporting; he's leading 45% to 38%. Considering this is former Premier Klein's old riding, that's a pretty satisfying result.