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Monday, May 11, 2020

Gummy Joe

Last night, I came up with an idea: gummy organs. Everyone loves gummy bears, gummy worms, and so forth; why not gummy organs?

As Sylvia tried to fall asleep through my babbling, I designed the snack and its presentation. The container would take the form of a 12-inch action figure, like the old GI Joe dolls, but with no articulation. Instead, the container would be split down the middle and hinged so that you could open him up like a refrigerator. Inside, you'd find the gummy organs, all in their anatomically correct positions, with perhaps the scales exaggerated in some cases for the smaller organs.

Let's go over the organs, colours, and flavours by body part:

Head and Neck
Gummy brain and spinal cord (cord gently housed in plastic vertebrae down the back of the container so it can be pulled out with the brain): light pink, strawberry
Gummy tongue: medium pink, watermelon
Gummy teeth (come out as an upper and lower set of 16 connected teeth each) : transparent, pineapple
Gummy eyes (visible through cutouts in the container): transparent and brown, cola
Gummy trachea: brown, root beer

Gummy heart: deep red, cherry
Gummy lungs: blue, blue raspberry
Gummy stomach: yellow, lemon
Gummy liver: peach, peach
Gummy large intestine: orange, orange
Gummy small intestine: purple, grape
Gummy kidneys: green, lime
Gummy pancreas: dark pink, bubblegum
Gummy spleen: light green, green apple

Arms and Legs
Gummy muscles: medium red, black cherry; wrapped around white candy bones made of the stuff they used to make lick 'em stix

If properly marketed, this snack would not only be tasty, but also fun and educational as kids explore the mysterious inner workings of the human form. 


Totty said...

You've made the Visible Man 57% more awesome.

Jeff Shyluk said...

Likely 57% more expensive as well. I was imagining more of an edible Stretch Armstrong without the skin, but that's just a big gummy bear and we can get those already.

Earl, I bow before your gummy magnificence.

Jeff Shyluk said...

It turns out that if you wanted you, you could eat a Stretch Armstrong, or at least his filling, which is simply gelled high fructose corn syrup. I'm not certain I would like to meet the child ghoulish enough to have eaten a Stretch Armstrong, but why do I suspect that someone I know has done so already? My parents wouldn't let me have a Stretch Armstrong, but as an adult I have to admit I might be tempted to make sweet and sour orange sauce for a pork stir fry out of Stretch juice, and serve that to people. The calories would be crazy.

What happens if you put Stretch Armstrong through an industrial grinder?

Stephen Fitzpatrick said...

Get a patent on this and start pitching it to candy companies! Make sure your marketing plan accounts for the added publicity once reactionary parent groups put you on blast for “glamourizing cannibalism.”

Possible names include “Tummy Gummies,” “Anatomy Chews,” and “Gummy Guts.”