Monday, January 29, 2018

The Earlympic Games

At the Olympic Games, the world's finest athletes congregate to test their mettle against each other in a wide array of sports and events. But imagine an alternate games, one in which ordinary people compete under the exact same conditions as the Olympians. What spectacles might we see?

From Introducing the Earlympics (E.J. Woods, 2024)

...in unparalleled competition, unshackled from the constraints of athleticism, elitism, and good sense.

III. Host Cities

By international agreement, each Earlympics takes place in the same city which hosted the Summer or Winter Olympic Games, one year after said events.

IV. Participation

Anyone can compete in the Earlympic Games. However, the Earlympics can currently support only approximately 11,000 participants at each Summer Games and approximately 3,000 at each Winter Games. Thus, given high demand, Earlympians will be chosen by lot by the central Earlympic Evaluating Office/United Choosing Headquarters (EEOUCH), assisted by the International Earlympic Committees of each participating nation to ensure all nations are represented.

IV. a. Eligibility

Anyone with the ability to cast a ballot unaided, without regard for age, sex, or physical ability, shall be permitted to put their name forward for any and all Earlympics, from now until the sun burns cold in space. Unlike the Olympics, the International Earlympic Committee shall not ban or disqualify participants who choose to use performance-enhancing drugs or equipment.

IV. b. Event Selection

Any person selected to participate in the Earlympics shall be randomly placed in 1-5 Sports and 1-10 Events within those sports until all Event slots are filled. Any person who declines to participate in his or her randomly chosen Sport/Event shall forfeit his or her chance to participate in the Games and another name shall be drawn. Participants in teams sports shall be, again, selected at random.

Currently, the Summer Earlympics consists of the following Sports:

American Football
Archery
Athletics
Badminton
Baseball
Basketball
Beach Volleyball
Boxing
Canoe Slalom
Canoe Sprint
Cycling BMX
Cycling Mountain Bike
Cycling Road
Diving
Dodgeball
Equestrian/Dressage
Equestrian/Eventing
Equestrian/Jumping
Fencing
Fistfighting
Football
Golf
Gymnastics Artistic
Gymnastics Rhytmic
Handball
High Diving
Hockey
Human Cannonball
Judo
Karate
Kung Fu
Lacrosse
Modern Pentathalon
Parachuting
Rowing
Rugby
Sailing
Shooting
Skateboarding
Softball
Sport Climbing
Surfing
Swimming
Synchronized Swimming
Table Tennis
Taekwondo
Thai Kick Boxing
Tennis
Trampoline
Triathlon
Ultimate
Volleyball
Water Polo
Weightlifting
Wrestling Erotic
Wrestling Freestyle
Wrestling Greco-Roman

Each Sport consists of one or more individual Events for men and women. Athletics, for example, includes races of varying lengths, hurdles, relays, high jump, long jump, shot put, triple jump, steeplechase, javelin, and more.

The Winter Earlympics consists of the following sports:
Alpine Skiing
Bandy
Biathlon
Bobsleigh
Bowling
Crokinole
Cross Country Skiing
Curling
Darts
Figure Skating
Freestyle Skiing
Ice Climbing
Ice Hockey
Ice Sculpture
Luge
Nordic Combined
Short Track Speed Skating
Skeleton
Ski Jumping
Sled Dog Racing
Snowboard
Speed Skating
Tobogganing

As with the Summer Games, each Winter Sport consists of one or more individual events for men and women.

V. Rules and Regulations/Accessibility

Earlympic events shall be conducted in the same manner as they are at the Olympics, with necessary facilities and equipment provided for athletes. Athletes who require mobility or sensory aids (such as walkers, eyeglasses, hearing aids, etc.) shall be permitted to use those aids during the course of their Events.

VI. Disclaimers

The Earlympics provides no training or guidance for participants, nor can it be held responsible for any injuries that result from participation.