At Least Matter-Eater Lad Will Survive

 

A Visit from the Legion of Super-Heroes

 Last night's dream: 

Sylvia and I are at the kitchen table, discussing taxes. Suddenly, several members of the Legion of Super-Heroes come in through the back door: Superboy, Mon-El, Shrinking Violet, Shadow Lass, and Colossal Boy. I'm shocked into awed silence while Sylvia reacts with annoyance: "Excuse me, you can't just walk in here without an invitation!" she says. 

"Sorry miss, we're on an urgent mission into the past!" Mon-El says. 

"Space pirates from my homeworld of Imsk have a plan to change history!" Shrinking Violet says. 

"They're somewhere in this area!" Shadow Lass says. 

Sylvia looks skeptical and doesn't appreciate the skintight nature of the girls' costumes. But before anyone else can say anything, a spaceship about two feet long zips in through the open back door, firing multicolored rays at the Legionnaires. 

"Kryptonite--I-I'm blacking out!" gasps Superboy as he's felled. 

"Lead--my only weakness!" cries Mon-El. 

"Stun rays--knocking us senseless!" wails Shadow Lass as she and Shrinking Violet fall. 

Only Colossal Boy managed to dodge the assault, and he grabs the spaceship in both hands. 

"This'll put the fear of God into 'em!" he shouts, ripping off the nose cone of the ship as if uncorking a wine bottle. Then, he holds the ship nose-down over our sink, and somewhere in the neighbourhood of twelve to fifteen three-inch-tall space pirates go down the drain, shouting and screaming. Tossing the empty ship aside, Colossal boy then turns on the garburator and the tap, grinding the pirates into bloody paste and washing away the gruesome remains. 

A weakened Superboy reacts with horror: "Colossal Boy--no! The Legion code against killing..." 

"...You've broken it!" Shrinking Violet concludes. "You'll be expelled from the Legion!" 

"Please get out of my house," Sylvia says. And I wake up laughing. 

My Favourite Legionnaires

The Legion of Super-Heroes, a DC comics superhero team first introduced in 1958, will be relaunched later this year. The concept is pretty simple: a thousand years from now, a group of super-powered teenagers, each with a unique ability (with some exceptions) and hailing from different worlds of the United Planets, protects the galaxy from all manner of strange threats.

With more than 60 years' worth of stories, the Legion is infamous for its tangled continuity (featuring multiple reboots), storylines that range from the ridiculous to the sublime, a dedicated fandom, and one of the largest rosters of characters in comics at nearly 100--not counting alternate versions from parallel universes and reboots.

As you might imagine, I'm a big fan of the Legion, having first stumbled across them during the early 1970s on the spinner rack of the drug store at Leaf Rapids, Manitoba. I was wowed by Mike Grell's art, the colourful costumes, and the Star Trek-like environments and spaceships.

But it was the characters that drew me in: their distinct personalities, interesting power sets, and personal relationships. And while I appreciate each Legionnaire, some became favourites over the years. After much consideration, here are my dozen favourites, in no particular order: 

Ultra Boy (Jo Nah, planet Rimbor)
Ultra Boy has the entire range of Kryptonian powers, but he can only use them one at a time by shifting around his "ultra energy" to fuel one power or  another. This makes him almost as powerful as heavyweights like Superboy, Supergirl, and Mon-El, but with a really interesting limitation. He also has an interesting backstory: he grew up on a very rough-and-tumble world, but transcended his hardscrabble life to become a hero. He's sometimes been portrayed as a bit of a loveable lunkhead, but other stories play this off as a affected personality trait Jo uses to encourage enemies and teammates alike to underestimate him.

Phantom Girl (Tinya Wazzo, planet Bgztl)
Tinya Wazzo is a daughter of privilege from planet (sometimes dimension) Bgztl, where everyone exists as immaterial phantoms. Tinya can phase from solid to immaterial form, giving her the ability to walk through walls, reach inside bodies, and so on. Despite (or maybe as a reaction to) her upbringing, Phantom Girl is one of the most down-to-earth Legionnaires, serving as best friend to many other of the Legion women.

Matter-Eater Lad (Tenzil Kem, planet Bismoll)
Matter-Eater Lad can eat anything; that's it. He's the Legion's comic relief and knows it, but he's saved the team's bacon on more than one occasion. His Legion career was interrupted a couple of times: once because he ate the Miracle Machine to save the universe and the act drove him temporarily insane, and once because he was drafted by his home planet to serve as a senator.

Shrinking Violet (Salu Digby, planet Imsk)
Shrinking Violet is a formidable martial artist who can shrink to subatomic size. At first depicted, as her name suggests, as a shy wallflower, over the years Salu gains confidence to match her abilities. She's also an early LGBTQ+ character, though it took creators a while to make that characterization overt.

Chameleon Boy (Reep Daggle, planet Durla)
A shapeshifter, Reep leads the Legion Espionage Squad (which also includes Phantom Girl and Shrinking Violet) and often serves as the team's voice of reason and caution. Over the years, artists and writers have given Reep a pretty interesting range of transformations, from tiny insects to monstrous beasts, depending on need.

Dawnstar (Dawnstar, planet Starhaven)
While some argue, with justification, that Dawnstar is a racial stereotype--she's of American Indian descent, with tracking abilities (and the ability to survive in outer  space and fly faster than light) and a buckskin costume--I can't help but enjoy her somewhat icy, curt personality, which serves as a nice contrast to the "aw shucks" contingent of the team.

Brainiac 5 (Querl Dox, planet Colu)
A "12th level intelligence," Brainiac 5 is the team's resident mad (sometimes literally) scientist, inventor of the flight ring that each Legionnaire wears and the impenetrable force field (which for some reason he doesn't share with the team, with one notable exception). Querl is moody, aggravating, passionate, and brilliant, qualities that drive his teammates from extremes of admiration to annoyance.

Shadow Lass (Tasmia Mallor, planet Talok VIII)
Born and raised as a planetary defender, Tasmia is a formidable warrior with the ability to cast impenetrable shadows, an interesting area-effect distraction she's used time and again to befuddle foes. Haughty but loving, she forms only a few close relationships with other team members, but those few bonds are unbreakable.

Wildfire (Drake Burroughs, planet Earth)
His body destroyed by an accident that transformed him into "anti-energy," Drake Burroughs exists bodilessly in a containment suit, through which he can release bursts of anti-energy or all of that energy at once in a tremendous explosion. Drake has the personality of the arrogant jock he once was, tempered by the tragedy of his existence.

Ferro Lad (Andrew Nolan, planet Earth)
A mutant with disfigured features and the ability to transform his body into living iron, Ferro Lad is perhaps best known for being one of the first and few character deaths that stuck. During his brief time with the Legion, Andrew was well-loved for his bravery and loyalty, traits magnified by his heroic sacrifice saving Earth from the dreaded Sun Eater.

Saturn Girl (Imra Ardeen, moon Titan)
One of the Legion's founders, Imra Ardeen is a powerful telepath from Saturn's moon Titan. Reserved and sometimes (unfairly) seen as somewhat cold, Saturn Girl was one of the first Legionnaires to marry and have children, roles that have given her some added dimension over the years.

Night Girl (Lydda Jath, planet Kathoon)
Lydda is super-strong UNLESS she's in direct sunlight, a limitation that relegated her to the Legion of Substitute Heroes for years. But with a can-do attitude and breathless optimism, she proved herself time and again to eventually join the Legion proper.

Honourable Mentions
Pretty much all of them, really, but with special affection for Supergirl, Superboy (often more interesting in their Legion appearances than in their mainline comics), Mon-El, Timber Wolf, Light Lass, Princess Projectra, Star Boy, Invisible Kid (I more than II), Lightning Lad, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl/Duo Damsel/Duplicate Damsel, and Blok.

DC Editor for a Day

Let's say, for some insane reason, DC Comics decided to give me editorial control over their line of comic book titles, but only to the extent that I could create a slate of comics based strictly on existing characters.  

Well, I'd create the line that I would want to read, without regard for sales viability. Here's what it would look like, imagining that each title has an incredible creative team: 

 

Superman Books

Action Comics (anthology led by Superman, just the way it started back in 1938)

DC Comics Presents (Superman team-up stories)

Lana Lang (Lana Lang, on-again off-again girlfriend of Clark Kent, goes on archeological adventures from Qurac to Skartaris to Atlantis) 

Lex Luthor (diabolical tales of Lex Luthor's infamies great and small) 

Lois Lane: Woman of Steel (Lois Lane's adventures as a brave, bold reporter) 

Man of Tomorrow (Superman's adventures with the adult Legion of Super-Heroes)

Man of Steel (Superman's adventures as a radical 

The Private Life of Clark Kent (Clark Kent's day-to-day adventures in journalism, dating, grocery shopping, etc.) 

Supergirl (stories of Kara Zor-El, Superman's cousin) 

Superman (Superman's main title, with his biggest adventures)

Young Clark Kent (Clark Kent's life in Smallville, as his powers were developing; frequently crosses over with Legion of Super-Heroes, below)

Batman Books

Batgirl (the adventures of congresswoman Barbara Gordon, AKA Batgirl, in Washington, DC)

Batman (Batman's main title, two-fisted street crime adventures) 

The Brave and the Bold (Batman team-up stories) 

Legends of the Dark Knight (Batman stories told from the perspective of his villains) 

Detective Comics (anthology led by Batman, just the way it started; detective stories) 

Team Books

Birds of Prey (Batgirl, Black Canary, Huntress, and Hawk and Dove fight street-level crime) 

Blackhawks! (a squad of pilots from around the world fly into danger wherever they can find it!) 

Doom Patrol (DP members from all incarnations of the team gather to fight the weirdest threats ever) 

Freedom Fighters (the heroes of Earth X have freed their world from tyranny, only to be stranded in ours!) 

Gorilla Soldiers (Congorilla, Detective Chimp, Beppo the Super Monkey, Angel and the Ape, and xx versus their arch-rivals the Ultra-Humanite, Gorilla Grodd, Titano the Super-Ape, and Monsieur Mallah and the Brain.)  

The Haunted Tank (ghostly adventures in World War II) 

Justice League of America (DC's greatest heroes team up to face the biggest threats) 

Justice Society of America (the greatest heroes of the 1930s and 40s fight the Nazis and other fascists and mad scientists) 

Legion of Substitute Heroes (good-hearted Legion rejects try to do the right thing despite their shortcomings) 

Legion of Super-Heroes (dozens of super-powered teenagers of the 31st century explore the galaxy and combat interstellar evil)

Secret Society of Super-Villains (super-villains work in secret, hatching sinister conspiracies to rule the world--but can they avoid killing each other?) 

Suicide Squad (super-villains and anti-heroes reluctantly work together under threat of government sanction, performing secret missions so dangerous that not everyone comes back alive)

Suicide Squad Secret Missions (Suicide Squad anthology)  

Tales of the Green Lantern Corps (anthology series about the non-Terran Green Lanterns) 

Titans (generations of sidekicks work together to prove themselves) 

The Other Heroes

Animal Man

Aquaman

The Atoms (scientists Ray Palmer and Ryan Choi explore the microverse) 

Black Canary

Black Lightning

Blue Beetle

Captain Atom

Elongated Man (back to the original concept, the Nick and Nora Charles of the superhero world; lighthearted mysteries of the jet set) 

Fury of Firestorm (Ron Raymond and Martin Stein take back the Firestorm matrix - but they're not happy about it!) 

Flash Legacy (anthology of stories of the fastest men and women alive, from World War II to the far future) 

Green Arrow

Green Lantern

Hawks (the adventures of Katar and Shayera Hol, police officers of Thanagar) 

Hellblazer

Red Tornado

Shazam! and the Marvel Family

Swamp Thing
Vixen and Bronze Tiger (solo adventures of the Suicide Squad team-mates) 

Wonder Woman

Zatanna

A pretty solid selection of titles--at least from my selfish perspective. 

Six Word Story 12

Sun eater, sin eater, gobbling legionnaires. 

My Ring is Legion

The New Paranoid Productions

Back in university, when I still had a few delusions of grandeur left, I tagged a lot of my creative work with the Paranoid Productions label, my imaginary multimedia conglomerate. My friend Jeff even designed an elaborate 3D logo on his Amiga, which I later bastardized into a simpler 2D version, seen at left. Together, my friends and I in the University of Alberta Star Trek Club shot about a half-dozen short films on videotape, including Generous Nature, My Love is a Red, Red Spy,  Carrion Christmas and the infamous Bitter Litter, among others.

I never seriously pursued my idle dreams of being a filmmaker, pursuing a writing career instead. But from time to time I enjoy imagining what kinds of films I would make were Paranoid Productions real and, more importantly, I were rich enough not to care whether my films succeeded or failed at the box office. Given those circumstances, what kinds of films would I choose to make?

The War of the Worlds
While I enjoy both the George Pal and Steven Spielberg takes on H.G. Wells' classic story, I would love to see more faithful adaptation of the novel - one set in the United Kingdom in the late 19th century, with tripods fighting the Thunderchild and all the original themes of the novel intact.

Deepsix
Jack McDevitt's 2001 science fiction novel about a scientific expedition to a world about to collide with another planet features a sping-tingling orbital rescue that would provide heart-pounding thrills on the big screen. I was on the edge of my seat reading the text alone; the right director could probably induce near-heart attacks.

Cowboys Versus Skeletons
Long before Cowboys and Aliens was published, let alone adapted into a mediocre film, I imagined a simple shoot-em-up between the residents of a frontier town and a horde of skeletons. Rather than weigh down the film with a complex plot, my story would be (forgive me) bare-bones: it's an ordinary sunny day in Rodeo Gulch when suddenly a lone rider thunders into town on his exhausted horse screaming "Skeletons a-comin'!" There are a few words of skepticism, but in order to cut right to the good stuff, the sheriff decides to take the lone rider at his word and the town sets up defences. What follows is 90 minutes of over-the-top action as cowboys (and lawmen, outlaws, hookers-with-hearts-of-gold, gamblers, railway workers, miners, farmers, spunky children, Indians, sidekicks and smarter-than-average horses and dogs) shoot, dynamite, axe, hammer, trap, trick, fistfight and otherwise murderize the rambling skeletons.

Pratfall Thursday
This violent, virtually plotless farce would chronicle one very bad day in a generic North American city. As soon as the opening title fades from the screen, the movie is nothing but a full two hours of painful (but not deadly) accidents, one leading to another. It might begin with a man on a balcony accidentally dropping a coconut that bounces off the skull of a pedestrian passing below, who, dazed, overturns a garbage can, which rolls downhill to knock over the ladder of a man painting a wall, who of course drops his paint can to land on the head of another passerby, who, paint can on his head, stumbles blindly into a fruit stand, which sends apples and bananas and oranges tumbling down the street, which causes multiple car accidents, etc. etc.

Toilet Chase
The original Paranoid team started making this way back in 1992, but we only finished one scene.With the resources of this hypothetical, we could buy the Bleak House of Blahs, reassemble the cast, get facelifts and personal trainers to get us back into our twenty-something bodies AND shoot the film with state of the art special effects. I think our original screenplay is actually pretty funny, and what discerning film-goer wouldn't go see a movie about a killer toilet stalking a half-dozen friends in a spooky house?

I, Robot
Decades ago Harlan Ellison adapted Isaac Asimov's robot stories into an amazing screenplay. I'd pay Harlan handsomely for the rights, allow him to pick the director and give him creative control over the final cut - anything to get it made.

Girls with Guns
Years ago Leslie and I briefly worked on a novel together about a dystopian future in which a group of women find themselves forced into violent revolution. We only produced a few pages of work, but again, with all the hypothetical resources at my command, I'm sure I could bribe Leslie into finishing her half of the story, bribe myself (or maybe Tom Stoppard) into finishing my half, and pay Quentin Tarantino to direct.

Shadow People
For years I've threatened to write a book about the secret lives of the Shadow People, those unfortunate silhouettes who appear on danger signs around the world, usually in the act of being electrocuted, chopped, spindled, folded or mutilated by machinery. What if the Shadow People came to life and sought revenge on the graphic artists and OHSA officials who consigned them to their gruesome fates? Imagine the irony and horror as the silent, expressionless Shadow People force human beings to take their place in the dangerous situations depicted on those threatening signs!

Numbskullduggery
In this slapstick comedy, two wealthy but bored imbeciles decide to divert themselves by planning the perfect murder at a posh dinner party. Unfortunately, because they are imbeciles, their plans go awry and the film becomes a slapstick comedy of errors culimating in the numbskulls' own ironic demise. I'd hire someone smarter than me to write this in order to have a shot on Oscar night; maybe he or she could turn it into a metaphor for the Occupy movement.


Legion of Super-Heroes
A popular DC Comics team for the last few decades, Legion of Super-Heroes would be pretty much impossible to film today. It features a cast of dozens, is set in the far future, and every character has a super-power. Many of them are aliens. The budget for makeup, special effects, sets and rights to the various characters would break the bank of any studio. But hey, it's my hypothetical and I have unlimited funds! I'd make sure that every Legionnaire and supporting character had at least a cameo role, even Arm-Fall-Off Boy, Double Header, Estimate Lad, Infectious Lass and Fortress Lad. I'd probably structure the story to include the Legion's first journey to the past to meet with Superboy, and then they'd recruit him to fight off a Dominator/Khund invasion back in their home of the 30th century.

That slate of projects should keep Paranoid Productions busy for a few years!