Midnight Visitors

 

Earlblivious

The Day the Saucers Came

I was sitting on a mountaintop the day the saucers came
I was posing for a photo that in retrospect seems lame
But I grabbed my laser rifle and I carefully took aim
To send the saucers home

Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
We'll send the saucers home

I was caught in the command post when the heat ray burned it down
I was dragged outside to safety by a servant of the crown
And when the flames subsided there was nothing left of town
But we gathered up our pistols and we fought another round
To send those monsters home

Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
We'll send those monsters home

On the sixteenth day of battle we flew into outer space
The alien invasion had jump-started our space race
We let fly the blaster cannons and we put them in their place
The aliens ran back home

Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
Glory, glory golly gee whiz
The aliens ran back home

Earl and Sean vs. the Flying Saucers, Part II

Click here to read part one!

As the sleek sedan containing EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA approaches the X-74 installation, smoke rises from the ruins of the ravaged base. Aliens brandishing weapons can be seen mercilessly gunning down the hapless survivors. Inside the car, our heroes debate their options:

SEAN: The butchers are ray gunning down those men!

SYLVIA guns the engine and the car lurches forward, bearing down on the alien invaders.

EARL: Are you crazy? You're heading right into their line of fire!

SYLVIA: Welcome to Earth, space bastards!

The sedan crashes into a group of surprised aliens, sending them flying like tenpins. But crafty MOONTOR, taking cover behind some rubble, blasts a ray-beam into the car's rear tire, making it spin out of control and roll onto its top!

Inside the sedan, EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA hang upside-down, stunned but alive.

EARL: That was some maneuver, lady. Now we're sitting ducks!

SEAN: Upside-down sitting ducks at that!

SYLVIA: Unfasten your seat belts, boys - it's going to be a bumpy night!

The three heroes unfasten their seat belts and tumble to the roof of the car. They scramble out just in time to stand face-to-face with MOONTOR, VOLUPTUA and the other aliens, ray pistols, ray rifles and ray bazookas steadily trained upon them.

EARL: Uh-oh.

VOLUPTUA: Uh-oh indeed, foolish Earthling! Now you'll pay the price for using your primitive Earth conveyance to kill my valiant soldiers!

MOONTOR: Blast them to atoms, my faithful Moon men!

VOLUPTUA slaps MOONTOR across the face.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Do not presume to anticipate my orders! Take them into custody and place them in the restraining room!

MOONTOR, face burning, begins to say something, but instead nods to his men, who use glowing handcuffs to ensnare the earth people. EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA are marched up the loading ramp of the nearest flying saucer, the ruins of the base still smoking.

EARL (sotto voce): They can't have found the X-74. Otherwise, they'd just vaporize us. They must think that we can lead them to it.

SEAN (sotto voce): How? It has to be back there in that smouldering wreck somewhere. They'd be better off asking a Venusian bloodhound or whatever beast passes for a good hunting dog on their crazy world.

SYLVIA: He's right. It doesn't make sense.

A moon guard jabs SYLVIA in the back with her rifle.

MOON GUARD: Silence! No talking!

EARL (sotto voce): Shh. I have a feeling that Queen Personality back there might know who I work for. She must figure that since she can't find the X-74, it must be in a different location. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it's simply been destroyed in the wreckage - she just can't bring herself to admit failure.

The heroes are led into the depths of the ship and placed in a spartan cell - seemingly without bars. But then, one of the moon guards flips a switch on the wall and beams of light, much like prison bars, crisscross the front of the cell.

SEAN: Holy space prison!

The moon guards walk away, leaving the Earth people alone.

EARL: As I was saying, it's almost certain that the X-74 went up in smoke with that base and all the people in it.

SEAN: Looks like it's down to plain old fisticuffs and cunning. But first, we've gotta get out of this cell.

SYLVIA: I have an idea about that. Look, they didn't confiscate my purse...or my compact.

EARL: Your makeup looks fine.

SYLVIA shoots EARL a withering look.

SYLVIA: The mirror, dummy. Watch.

Carefully, Sylvia opens her compact and slides it into the path of one of the ghostly force-beams. The mirror reflects the beam and sparks erupt from the walls, the light-gate system shorting out. Our heroes cough, sputter and wave the smoke out of their faces as they leap from the cell.

SEAN: It worked! And now it's time to bust out the NAES.

SEAN puts four large, heavy rings on his left fist, each ring emblazoned with a backwards letter of his name: N-A-E-S. He holds them right up to the camera so that they fill the movie screen.

SYLVIA: What the...?

EARL: Don't ask. But he could be right - as much as I hate violence, this situation seems to call for it.

Suddenly, a gaggle of MOON GUARDS appear from around the corner of the curving corridor.

MOON GUARD: The prisoners! They've escaped! Seize them!

SEAN: Seize THIS!

SEAN punches the lead guard in the forehead with his ringed fist, leaving the word "SEAN" in all caps imprinted on the moon man's bloodied forehead. The moon man collapses, eyelids fluttering closed as he loses consciousness.

SECOND MOON GUARD: He's branded Bluthwap! Use your ray beams!

SYLVIA karate-chops the ray pistol from the second moon guard, while EARL three-stooges the eyes of a third. SEAN belts the remaining guard in the mouth with his NAES fist.

SEAN: Looks like it's lunchtime for you, pal! A knuckle sandwich - with extra ketchup!

EARL points to the hatch of the flying saucer - a hatch that is quickly closing, as if the ship is preparing for liftoff.

EARL: The hatch! It's closing!

SYLVIA: We'll be in for an out-of-this world vacation if we don't get out of here!

They run for the hatch, but it closes just as they reach it, trapping them inside.

EARL: Trapped!

A low-pitched hum begins and quickly transforms into a high-pitched whine as the deck starts to vibrate.

SEAN: We're lifting off!

An exterior special effects shot shows the flying saucer rapidly lifting away from the demolished base. Several alien foot soldiers wave goodbye, including VOLUPTUA and MOONTOR.

MOONTOR: Do you think they took the bait?

VOLUPTUA: Of course. By now, they'll have escaped their cell and are probably planning to take over the saucer. A couple of carefully arranged obstacles will convince them that they've seized a highly advanced space weapon for their military. But once they fly it to their capital...

MOONTOR and VOLUPTUA look at each other knowingly.

FADE TO BLACK...

Click here to read part one!

Earl and Sean vs. the Flying Saucers

Boldly by day they came, the saucer-slayers in their sinister ships of silvery steel!

They ravaged the countryside, burned the cities with deadly beams of unstoppable terror!

Greatest weapons of super-science helpless before the awesome might of the menace from beyond!

First there was...

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Then there was...

EARL VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

And now, the greatest shock-spectacle of the silver screen!

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

*********

SCENE ONE. A hot summer day in southern Manitoba. EARL and SEAN are visiting the abandoned farm of their grandparents.

SEAN: It sure is neat to see this place at last.

EARL: Yes, these decaying buildings are a solemn reminder of the fact that one day, death comes to claim us all!

SEAN: Boy, you're gloomy today! Try to enjoy the heat of the sun on your face, the smell of grain, and the memories of a simpler time.

EARL (chuckling): Perhaps you're right. It's just that all this secretive talk about the X-74 project is starting to wear on my nerves.

SEAN: X-74, eh? Isn't that the secret plan to set up a defence against the so-called green men from outer space you government types are so concerned about?

EARL: Apparently it's not so secret as we would have liked! Yes, X-74 involves the fused transmission of microwaves, interspliced into a beam lattice that -

(a low humming can be heard from offscreen)

SEAN: Hold it - what's that?

EARL: I don't hear anything - wait. It's coming from over there.

SUDDENLY, three flying saucers zoom over the farm, shooting ray-beams into the barn and surrounding buildings, which EXPLODE INTO FLAMES!

SEAN: Run!

EARL and SEAN run from the flying saucers. The flying saucers pursue, shooting deadly ray beams at the brothers, which narrowly miss the men, setting the grass on fire!

EARL: The farmhouse basement! It's our only chance!

EARL and SEAN leap into the front door of the farmhouse and down the stairs into the cellar. The flying saucers fire their beams into the house, which EXPLODES in fury!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL OPENING CREDITS

OKR RODEO PICTURES PRESENTS

AN ORVILLE Q. BLISTERSON FILM

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

FILMED IN SCARE-O-SCOPE

STARRING

EARL J. WOODS
SEAN E. WOODS
HOMER BALTHAZAR SHAMBLY
SYLVIA F. BOUCHER
COUNT VLADIMIR R. RAZANKOFF III
SHAKIRA NINA FLORES
ABIGAIL ROSS

AND INTRODUCING

V O L U P T U A

AS HERSELF

**********

SMOKE BILLOWS FROM THE DESTROYED FARMHOUSE. BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF BEATS, HANDS EMERGE FROM THE WRECKAGE, AND TWO BODIES EMERGE, COVERED IN SOOT: EARL AND SEAN.

SEAN: That was close!

EARL: We've got to warn headquarters! But my televisor screen was damaged in the blast!

SEAN: If I knew about X-74, it's a cinch those moon men know about it, too! And they're on their way to destroy it before it becomes a threat to their empire!

EARL: Right!

CUT TO THE INTERIOR OF THE LEAD FLYING SAUCER. VOLUPTUA AND HER SECOND IN COMMAND, MOONTOR, ARE OBSERVING THE MAIN VIEWSCREEN OF THEIR CONTROL SAUCER, LOOKING OUT AT THE DEVESTATION BELOW THEM.

MOONTOR: With those fools Earl and Sean out of the way, our conquest of this pathetic planet is all but assured!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR VIOLENTLY.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such brazen overconfidence has no place aboard my royal flagship!

MOONTOR COWERS.

MOONTOR: A thousand pardons, my mistress!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR AGAIN.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such simpering obsequiousness hs no place aboard my royal flagship!

A BEAT AS MOONTOR TRIES TO FORMULATE A RESPONSE. FORTUNATELY, VOLUPTUA'S ATTENTION IS DISTRACTED BY A FLASHING ALERT-BEEPER ABOVE THE VIEWSCREEN.

VOLUPTUA: Silence! The so-called "secret" bunker that houses X-74 lies just ahead! FIRE THE DESTRUCTOR RAYS!

A CREWMAN PRESSES THE APPROPRIATE BUTTON. A FLASH OF LIGHT FLARES ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE SAUCER, THEN TRANSFORMS INTO A COHERENT BEAM OF DEADLY ENERGY, WHICH LASHES OUT TO VAPORIZE THE BUNKER.

MOONTOR: You've done it, O mighty one!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR.

VOLUPTA: Fool! I don't need yes-men to point out the obvious! Send down a landing party to survey the wreckage! Ensure that the X-74 is destroyed! And kill all survivors!

MOONTOR: Yes, O heavenly one!

*******

EARL AND SEAN FLAG DOWN A PASSING SEDAN, DRIVEN BY A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN. THEY ENTER THE CAR.

SYLVIA (TO EARL): Where to, handsome?

EARL (sternly): No time for flirting, honey! We need to get to the abandoned airfield at Virden, and fast!

SYLVIA: Oh, you mean the abandoned airfield that's really a secret research laboratory?

SEAN: She's got you there, brother.

EARL (nonplussed): Uh - yes! But make it fast, doll - there's no time to lose!

THE CAR SCREECHES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, HEADING FOR THE LAB.

...to be continued..?