Kinda Cool After All

A few months ago I found out a colleague of mine is an extra in Cool Runnings (Jon Turtletaub, 1993), the movie about the debut of the Jamaican bobsled team at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta. In order to spot her, I watched the film, but my expectations were low; I was expecting a pretty broad comedy. Instead, I found Cool Runnings respectful, sincere, and comedic in the best sense; we laugh with the characters, not at them. The four young men who form the team feel fully formed; they're not stereotypes, and each young man has a character arc of his own, as well as a different reason for their quixotic quest for Olympic glory. John Candy plays their grumpy coach, a man shamed by cheating with a different bobsled squad in the distant past. And Candy, too, is good; his role is more dramatic than comedic. 

The journey of these five men feels real; it's compelling, dramatic without slipping into hyperbole, touching where it needs to be, and there's even a solid message about character and grit, and how that's more important than winning. The lads' final run down the bobsled course is very moving, though I have no idea if that's how the event played out in reality. 

And it was nice to see some location shots of Calgary circa the early 1990s (redressed to look like 1988, of course). 

Cool Runnings really surprised me. The film isn't a classic, but its makers should be commended for their efforts. 

The Most Dangerous Earlympic Games

Yesterday, I outlined my vision for an everyman Olympics, one in which everyone has at least a chance of participating, regardless of ability. I am concerned, however, that some sports might be dangerous for the untrained amateur:

Ski Jump: this seems like a recipe for disaster.
Skeleton: could possibly turn people into skeletons.
Bobsleigh: four untrained people caroming down an ice track at hundreds of kilometres an hour.
Luge: one untrained person caroming down an ice track at hundreds of kilometres an hour.
Ice hockey: I imagine there are many opportunities to be bruised and broken by flying pucks and hockey sticks.
Weightlifting: muscle strain, broken spines?
Judo, Karate, Kung Fu, etc.: sprained muscles, broken bones?
Gymnastics: falls, muscle strains
Fencing: pokey thing in the eye?
Archery: accidental arrowing?
Javelin: muscle strain, bad aim, crowd injuries?
Shot put: muscle strain, wayward shots hitting officials?
Equestrian: falls
Football, Rugby: broken ankles, broken teeth
Cycling: crashes
Skiing: crashes
Water polo: drowning
Diving: drowning
Marathon: exhaustion

I'm starting to think this might not be a good idea. Golf, curling, darts, crokinole and baseball should be safe enough, though...

The Earlympic Games

At the Olympic Games, the world's finest athletes congregate to test their mettle against each other in a wide array of sports and events. But imagine an alternate games, one in which ordinary people compete under the exact same conditions as the Olympians. What spectacles might we see?

From Introducing the Earlympics (E.J. Woods, 2024)

...in unparalleled competition, unshackled from the constraints of athleticism, elitism, and good sense.

III. Host Cities

By international agreement, each Earlympics takes place in the same city which hosted the Summer or Winter Olympic Games, one year after said events.

IV. Participation

Anyone can compete in the Earlympic Games. However, the Earlympics can currently support only approximately 11,000 participants at each Summer Games and approximately 3,000 at each Winter Games. Thus, given high demand, Earlympians will be chosen by lot by the central Earlympic Evaluating Office/United Choosing Headquarters (EEOUCH), assisted by the International Earlympic Committees of each participating nation to ensure all nations are represented.

IV. a. Eligibility

Anyone with the ability to cast a ballot unaided, without regard for age, sex, or physical ability, shall be permitted to put their name forward for any and all Earlympics, from now until the sun burns cold in space. Unlike the Olympics, the International Earlympic Committee shall not ban or disqualify participants who choose to use performance-enhancing drugs or equipment.

IV. b. Event Selection

Any person selected to participate in the Earlympics shall be randomly placed in 1-5 Sports and 1-10 Events within those sports until all Event slots are filled. Any person who declines to participate in his or her randomly chosen Sport/Event shall forfeit his or her chance to participate in the Games and another name shall be drawn. Participants in teams sports shall be, again, selected at random.

Currently, the Summer Earlympics consists of the following Sports:

American Football
Archery
Athletics
Badminton
Baseball
Basketball
Beach Volleyball
Boxing
Canoe Slalom
Canoe Sprint
Cycling BMX
Cycling Mountain Bike
Cycling Road
Diving
Dodgeball
Equestrian/Dressage
Equestrian/Eventing
Equestrian/Jumping
Fencing
Fistfighting
Football
Golf
Gymnastics Artistic
Gymnastics Rhytmic
Handball
High Diving
Hockey
Human Cannonball
Judo
Karate
Kung Fu
Lacrosse
Modern Pentathalon
Parachuting
Rowing
Rugby
Sailing
Shooting
Skateboarding
Softball
Sport Climbing
Surfing
Swimming
Synchronized Swimming
Table Tennis
Taekwondo
Thai Kick Boxing
Tennis
Trampoline
Triathlon
Ultimate
Volleyball
Water Polo
Weightlifting
Wrestling Erotic
Wrestling Freestyle
Wrestling Greco-Roman

Each Sport consists of one or more individual Events for men and women. Athletics, for example, includes races of varying lengths, hurdles, relays, high jump, long jump, shot put, triple jump, steeplechase, javelin, and more.

The Winter Earlympics consists of the following sports:
Alpine Skiing
Bandy
Biathlon
Bobsleigh
Bowling
Crokinole
Cross Country Skiing
Curling
Darts
Figure Skating
Freestyle Skiing
Ice Climbing
Ice Hockey
Ice Sculpture
Luge
Nordic Combined
Short Track Speed Skating
Skeleton
Ski Jumping
Sled Dog Racing
Snowboard
Speed Skating
Tobogganing

As with the Summer Games, each Winter Sport consists of one or more individual events for men and women.

V. Rules and Regulations/Accessibility

Earlympic events shall be conducted in the same manner as they are at the Olympics, with necessary facilities and equipment provided for athletes. Athletes who require mobility or sensory aids (such as walkers, eyeglasses, hearing aids, etc.) shall be permitted to use those aids during the course of their Events.

VI. Disclaimers

The Earlympics provides no training or guidance for participants, nor can it be held responsible for any injuries that result from participation.

Women's Sports News!

...or, possibly the unlikeliest title for a My Name is Earl (J. Woods) blog post ever. But yesterday I met my friends Andrea and Greg and their kids Lena and Mitchell at the Legislature; they're here from the UK to visit friends and family. (As an aside, Lena's British accent cracks me up for some reason, particularly when she's displaying her knowledge of Star Wars trivia.)

During the course of our conversation I learned Andrea has started a new blog on the subject - women in sport, that is, not her daughter's accent. The Olympics have certainly given Andrea ample grist for the beginnings of her new mill! I wonder if she'll have anything to say about the Olympic fencer who refused to leave the field of battle because of a disputed call.

In any event (pun intended), visit Women's Sports News for Andrea's coverage of...women in sports!

My Greatest Sporting Achievement

Since the Olympics start today in London, a sport-themed story seems appropriate. This, then, is the tale of my single greatest accomplishment in sports: the day I became the Tiger Woods of mini-golf.

Back in 2003, when Sylvia and I first started dating, we drove down to the hot springs at Radium, British Columbia. There was a mini-golf course next to our hotel, so Sylvia and I ambled over to give it a try. Astounding Sylvia - though no more than myself - I found myself completely in the zone, scoring several holes-in-one and only rarely missing each hole's score for par. In the end, I wound up with a final score of one under par for the course, and Sylvia immediately christened me "the Tiger Woods of mini-golf!"

Sadly this performance was not to be repeated. We played another couple of rounds, but I couldn't recapture the style and finesse I'd managed during the first game. Still, Sylvia was impressed enough that I sometimes wonder if this single example of sporting prowess may have convinced her that I was a keeper.

Clearly, the Earl-y birdie gets the girl.