Universal Soldiers

Podophobia Portrait

I had originally thought to post my Astroguard platoon today, but they need some touching up. In lieu, here is a photo I shot to annoy Sylvia, who hates horror movies and feet. 
 

Film Franchises Well-Suited to Bond-Style Main Title Sequences

The Bond films are iconic for a number of reasons, but for the purposes of this thought I'll name two: reliably entertaining use of key tropes, and opening titles marked by stunning visuals  combined with pop music that adheres to musical structures formed by John Barry and other Bond film composers. In most Bond films, a short prelude, usually an action set piece, opens the film, followed by the main titles. 

This structure has become part of the language of nearly every Bond film, and it creates a sense of familiarity and excitement for the moviegoing public. When you sit down to watch a Bond film, you know exactly what kind of experience you're going to have, and the prelude and main titles reassure you that Bond, once again, is back. 

I don't see any reason--aside from being accused of imitation, the sincerest form of flattery--that other iconic film series couldn't benefit from a similar structure. 

Imagine, if you will, a Superman film. It could open with Clark Kent interviewing people in an underserved neighbourhood of Metropolis, empathizing with their concerns, determining to bring much-needed attention to marginalized people. Just then, his super-hearing picks up an emergency; a man is having a heart attack on a bus, and traffic is too heavy to get him to a hospital in time. Clark rushes into a back alley, changes into Superman, flies across the city to the bus, cradles the man in his arms, and flies him to the hospital in time for life-saving treatment. "You're going to be okay," Superman says, gently placing him on a stretcher rolled over by paramedics. "These fine folks are going to take care of you." (In Superman's world, the US has single-payer healthcare to avoid thorny questions like "Why didn't you let me die so my family wouldn't have to go into bankruptcy to pay my hospital bills?") Superman flies back to the underserved neighbourhood, resumes his interviews, and the camera pans across a shot of bustling Metropolis, which transitions into the main title sequence, beginning with a Daily Planet headline about Clark's story. Images of Clark's glasses, the Superman symbol, the Daily Planet itself, Jimmy Olsen's camera flashbulb going off, Krypton exploding, Kal-El's rocket, Lex Luthor in a power suit, more Daily Planet headlines showing how Clark's story has prompted reform, other Daily Planet headlines about Superman exploits, Lois Lane's purple eyes, Superman's hands saving a cat from a tree, the words "Truth, Justice, and a Better Tomorrow" scrolling by, silhouettes of Superman fighting villains like Metallo or the Atomic Skull, Clark Kent's hands typing at super-speed and melting a typewriter, Superman's cape fluttering in the wind, panning shots of the Hall of Justice and Fortress of Solitude, home video footage of Superman saving people, and finally one final Daily Planet headline that also happens to be the film's title, all set to some amazing song by, I don't know, anyone who's sung a Bond song or someone who probably will in the future. 

Surely this structure would work for other superhero films at the very least, and for Star Trek, the Fast and the Furious, perhaps somewhat ironically for the Universal Monsters, Star Wars (already done by an amateur for The Empire Strikes Back to great effect), Tarzan films, Indiana Jones--really any action-adventure style movies. 

Not Mission: Impossible, though. They use a different structure (essentially the "this episode" montage used in the original TV series), and it's perfect for those movies. 

Lantern from the Black Lagoon

 

10 Monsters I could Outrun If I Had To

1. The Mummy (Boris Karloff version) 
2. The Blob (original version) 
3. Frankenstein's Monster (Boris Karloff version) 
4. The Bride of Frankenstein
5. The Invisible Man (Claude Rains version) 
6. The Creature from the Black Lagoon (on land) 
7. Standard Dalek (no antrigravs installed) 
8. The Creeping Terror
9. Romero-style zombies
10. The Green Slime

The key in all cases is to ensure you don't get cornered. Given an open playing field, the average healthy human being who doesn't panic or take stupid chances or box themselves in should be able to escape any of these guys without too much trouble, although there's a chance you might get shot in the back by a Dalek with a death beam.

 

The Creature and the Count

 

A black lagoon, a blacker heart
Fins and fangs of fear
No escape from the uncanny
If you venture here

Tod's Final Resting Place

I painted this gravestone from Bob Murch's Pulp Figures collection, specifically the Dracula Has Risen! set. I painted the bat black with grey highlights (sadly not really visible in this image); I painted the gravestone grey with a black ink wash for the text. "Tod" refers, I assume, to Tod Browning, director of Dracula, released in, of course, 1931. 

I'll integrate this gravestone into a larger graveyard terrain piece I have planned. 
 

Brittle 10th Innings

I just finished Michael Bishop's 1994 Hugo-nominated novel Brittle Innings, the story of a teenager's experiences as a minor league ballplayer during World War II. Oh, and one of his teammates happens to be Frankenstein's monster.

It's a beautiful book, full of bittersweet pathos, pain and occasional moments of joy. So I hope I'm not inadvertently downplaying its many virtues by wondering what other sports famous monsters might play.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon seems limited to aquatic sports such as water polo, but I imagine he'd be the top player of all time.

The Wolf Man probably wouldn't have much luck in sports, for he's at his fastest and strongest only on a full moon. I don't know much about sports, but I know they're not often played by nightfall, and probably not only on full moons.

Dracula shares this weakness; he can't play in the daytime, lest he burn up. He might be limited to indoor volleyball matches, where his supernatural strength and speed would give him a considerable edge. Wrestling would also be a viable career for Dracula; he could sink his fangs into his opponents and bleed them dry, or turn himself into mist to escape choke holds.

The Invisible Man would have to play naked for his ability to confer any advantage. Hockey is out, for his stick and skates would betray him. Football is also out, for running with the ball would reveal his position, and in any case how would the quarterback know where to throw?

The Phantom of the Opera has no special skills other than murder and being hideous; perhaps he could be an MMA fighter?