Karate Strike

 

Ear Weirder

"Ear weirding" is a term I invented for a martial arts distraction tactic that involves the martial artist gently but rapidly jiggling another person's ear up and down in such a way as to cause a strange sensation, something akin to an itch, deep in the opponent's ear canal. 

The Ear Weirder was a master of this technique, but of course I prompted Stable Diffusion with ONLY the words "ear weirder," resulting in this disappointing result. It is a pretty weird ear, though. 

 

Stooge Defence Pattern Alpha

Here is a photo of Jeff and Susan from the mid-1990s. In this dramatic image, Jeff uses the only known maneuver that foils the dreaded Stooge form eyeball assault. I'm still amazed that I had the reflexes to get this shot. 

Kung Fool

At the last Geekquinox a conversation about martial arts erupted, with the embarrassing result that my ignorance of the various styles was profound. Ask me the difference between Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Tae Kwan Do or any other martial art and I would only be able to tell you "Uh, I guess they use different moves and...uh...have different styles and...stuff?" 

My friends were baffled when I confessed that I didn't know, for example, Karate was Chinese and Kung Fu Japanese (or perhaps it's the other way around). They also claimed that one could tell which martial art was being used simply by observing the fighters, a skill that, frankly, seems like magic to me. I can tell the difference between a punch and a kick and a Karate chop, but only because my Big Jim action figure (doll) could perform those moves. The artists in martial arts movies are generally so skilled that to me the fights are a blur of flying arms and legs, impossible to deconstruct and analyze - at least to my untrained eye. 

Given my well-known love of genre film, including martial arts films, my friends were astonished at my inability to discern between martial arts. My only excuse is that I'm focused more on how the arts serve the story; a kick or a punch, however delivered, is to me a means of advancing plot, theme or character. Of course I understand that nuance is important, and that it's quite possible to deliver a powerful filmic message by having a character choose one martial arts style over another. But it's one of those distinctions I don't have the knowledge or background to appreciate. I have the same problem with weapons in action movies. I understand the difference between a pistol and a rifle and a grenade, but each serves the same essential function in narrative. 

My feeble excuse served only to cause further mirth: "Well, it's like a sport...and I know nothing about sports, so..." 

Yes, ignorance as an excuse for further ignorance. Maybe this is why I left politics - my debate tactics are surely flawed. 

On a positive note, I've learned once again that my ignorance is vast in both breadth and depth, a fact from which I draw great solace, for as the wise man said, the path to wisdom is paved with the stones of foolishness. I think I heard that in a Kung Fu movie once. 

Kung Fool Fighting, or: Tae Kwon D'oh!

A week ago tonight, I accompanied my old friend Jeff Pitts to his Tae Kwon Do dojo for Buddy Night. Jeff didn't really say what "Buddy Night" was all about, so I was a little nervous at first. Was I to be used as some kind of practice dummy for his blows? My friends shouting "500 quatloos for the video!" in email didn't do much to inspire confidence, either.

Of course I didn't really have anything to worry about. Buddy Night is simply an opportunity for friends and family members of students to experience a class for themselves. Jeff already has his blue belt/red stripe, and he's on track to get his black belt by next summer, so this gentle Buddy Night class was a bit of a breeze for him - but educational for me.

Most of the students were children, with a smattering of teenagers and thirty- and fortysomethings tossed in. We began sensibly enough with a series of stretches, then learned how to block, punch and kick properly. All very basic, but still fascinating. I always knew that Jeff was in good shape, but holding targets for his kicks and punches was a little jarring - both physically and intellectually. There's a lot of power behind Jeff's blows, and I'm very glad that he was on target.

We even had a chance to break boards, in a sense - plastic practice boards with pre-set fracture points of varying strength levels. I have to admit, there's something cathartic about yelling "keee-yaai!" and smashing a board in half with your fist.

Most impressive was the demonstration put on by a group of advanced students. These young people staged mock battles, broke real boards, even bounced off the walls, all with confidence, grace and athleticism.

Jeff needs to bring in a certain number of buddies before he can advance in level, so I'm glad that my participation allowed him to move forward. I'm also grateful for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of another way of life that's somewhat outside my experience. We can all use a little horizon-broadening from time to time.

I only regret that I didn't bring someone along to take photos. Perhaps Jeff and the dojo will allow me to take some pictures of Jeff's graduation tests.