Quick Take: The Oath

The Oath (Ike Barinholtz, 2018) might have worked better as a straight drama, but even so, boy, was this incredibly effective and chilling. Maybe it won't look so funny in a couple of years. Imagine if your government asked all citizens to sign a "voluntary" loyalty oath--how long could you hold out in a climate of rising fear and mandated conformity? In The Oath, the idea is played for laughs, but there's a real undercurrent of genuine terror here. I find it very interesting that the protagonist, the lone holdout in his family actually snaps under the pressure at one point, but only briefly, and the film quickly moves on. I think this was pretty smart filmmaking; Barinholtz is telling us that having all the moral high ground in the world isn't much help when a brownshirt goon is threatening to break your arm into a half-dozen pieces.

Also, considering this movie and his role in the Supergirl TV series, Bruce Boxleitner is in danger of being typecast as the Vice President that gets suddenly elevated to the presidency in the wake of scandal.

A Pair of Dreams

I'm in Vancouver, and Melissa Benoist, in costume as Supergirl, surprises me downtown by wrapping one arm around my shoulder, holding out her phone, and snapping a photo.

"Super selfie!" she says, grinning. "Hey, you should be on the show. You'd make a great Harvey Bullock."

I have to admit that of all DC's character's, my current rotund physique most closely matches that of Bullock. I'm a little confused, though; in the comics, Harvey Bullock is a detective working for the Gotham City Police Department. But I rationalize this by figuring Supergirl's writers have perhaps had Bullock transfer over to National City. In any event, the pay is $2000 a week and I get to be part of the Arrowverse, so I take the job.

*  *  *

It's 4 AM and Sylvia wakes me up. We're in our old condo. She reminds me that Sean, Mike and Scott are coming over for McDonald's. Sean has already arrived on the balcony on a rented bicycle glider, but I haven't actually picked up the food.

I join Sean on the balcony and we launch the glider, pedalling back offshore to Sean's yacht, picking up our McDonald's order, and cycle-gliding back to the condo. Scott and Mike arrive and we eat in the darkness, four identical orders: Big Mac combos, medium fries, medium Cokes. Mike notes with some disdain that there's a triangle of toast in his Big Mac. I check and see that my Big Mac also includes a slice of toast.

"Well, it's a bonus, I guess," I say, eating the toast.

Everything is so real as to be more convincing than true reality. Not for a second do I question the bicycle-gliders, Sean's yacht, or the fact that Sylvia and I have moved back into our first condo. The only thing I question is why I arranged for a McDonald's dinner at 4:45 AM.

Flying on the cycle-gliders is effortless and exhilarating. After supper, I fly over the beaches of Hawaii, shooting photos for Google Maps as I ride the wind. Turquoise waters lap at white sand, and the sun beams down benignly. All is good, but a voice at the back of my mind questions my sanity, and it is that voice that brings me back to reality, awakening with my alarm. 

The Batcave vs. The Fortress of Solitude: Which is the Better Target for Robbers?

While discussing some of the finer points of this post with my friend Jeff, our dialogue turned, naturally, to Superman's Fortress of Solitude, and whether or not there's anything in it worth stealing. Jeff initially asserted that the giant key and door that guard the Fortress are somewhat unnecessary, arguing that Superman's home doesn't have any loot a sane criminal would bother with. I argued the opposite, and during our conversation another topic sprang to mind: if a criminal had the choice of robbing the Fortress of Solitude or Batman's Batcave, which should he choose?

Making the choice requires a cost-benefit analysis. You have to first decide on the return you're likely to get on a successful robbery versus the likely consequences of success and/or being caught, either before or after the fact.

Target: The Batcave

Loot

• One giant animatronic dinosaur, value undetermined, possibly worth something on the collector's market, but difficult to transport
• One giant penny, value undetermined, possibly worth something on the collector's market, but difficult to transport
• One giant playing card (a Joker), value undetermined, possibly worth something on the collector's market, but difficult to transport
• Bat-computer with all of Batman's files, a priceless resource for criminals and probably worth tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars; also large and difficult to transport, though the data would be easier to move given sufficient hacking skills
• The latest models of the Batmobile, Batplane, Batboat, Batcycle, Whirly-Bat, Batcopter, plus older models presumably in storage; easy to transport if your criminal gang includes members with the necessary skills to hotwire and drive/fly the vehicles
• Assorted Batman and Robin costumes with their respective utility belts and weapons
• Raw materials for Batman's crime lab

Bonuses

• Conveniently located just a few miles from a major metropolis, accessible by road and underwater channel
• Lies beneath Wayne Manor, which contains many art treasures, jewels, fine furniture and other more conventional loot than available in the Batcave below

Obstacles

• Possible presence of one or more of the following: Robin(s), Alfred Pennyworth, Ace the Bat-Hound, Nightwing, Batgirl(s), Batwoman or Batman himself (worst case scenario)
• Sophisticated security systems

Consequences

• Likely extreme, painful, crippling (though not lethal) punishment by Batman, followed by incarceration
• Nightmares
• Long-term disability

Target: The Fortress of Solitude

Loot

• One giant animatronic dinosaur, value undetermined, possibly worth something on the collector's market, but difficult to transport
• One damaged cruise ship, presumably worth millions in salvage, but likely a huge liability if the robbers decided to repair it
• One space ark capable of ferrying several hundred humans to another star system in the event of the end of the world
• Several alien animals kept in Superman's zoo, which he uses to save endangered alien species
• Super-computer with far more computing power than any other on Earth, presumably worth millions
• Giant statues of Jor-El and Lara holding up the planet Krypton, presumably worth millions as an object d'art
• The Phantom Zone projector and its associated viewer for monitoring the Zone
• A collection of Superman's Super-Robots, each with the powers of Superman, though at a lower level
• The bottle city of Kandor, full of a shrunken Kryptonian city and its millions of Kryptonian survivors, of priceless value as hostages
• Statues of Superman's friends, potentially valuable as objects d'art
• A giant girder twisted out of shape by Superman, potentially valuable as an object d'art
• Very powerful weapons confiscated by Superman from super-villains and aliens, stored in the Fortress' armory
• Samples of all varieties of Kryptonite, priceless
• Disintegration pit--impossible to steal, but good for disposing of evidence and bodies of murder victims
• Superman's super-diary; impractical to steal due to its size and weight
• Supermobile, presumably worth millions, and very useful for criminal activities
• Superman's original escape rocket from Krypton, priceless as a historical artifact, could possibly be reverse-engineered

Obstacles

• Remote location in the high arctic, expensive and dangerous to access
• Giant door with a key that's so heavy it can only be lifted by Superman, Supergirl, and others with their level of super-strength
• Possible presence of one or more of the following: Beppo the Super-Monkey, Krypto the Superdog, Supergirl, operational Super-Robot(s), Superman himself
• Second and third floors accessible only by beings who can fly; no stairs or elevators

Consequences

• Stern talking-to from Superman likely to make the perpetrator feel deep shame
• Incarceration

Should a robber overcome the obstacles involved in getting to and entering the Fortress of Solitude, he or she would end up with a treasure trove of advanced alien technology, weapons, and collectibles, not to mention millions of hostages should they carry off Kandor. And even if caught, they can expect humane treatment--perhaps even complete forgiveness--from Superman and/or his pals. Krypto might be a little rough with them, but he knows not to maim or kill anyone.

The successful Batcave robber can expect to make off with a haul of expensive and powerful Bat-vehicles and fence-able treasures from Wayne Manor. However, if captured, the robbers can expect an extremely painful comeuppance/punishment from Batman, along with prison time.

All things considered, it seems the Fortress is the more desirable target. A successful heist is unlikely, but richly rewarding, and failure comes with relatively minimal consequences. Time to upgrade the security system, Superman!

The Night Before the Dawn of Justice

In anticipation of Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, I compiled a list of the prior Superman family movies, ranked according to my preference, with some brief thoughts on each film. Here's the list, over on my Letterboxd account. 

It's Not a Bird...

The reaction to the first look at CBS' upcoming Supergirl series has been pretty mixed; even folks whose opinions I trust have expressed their disdain, writing off the show as too "Devil Meets Prada"-esque; my brother cleverly remarked "Super New Girl in the City." Perhaps that's fair based on this trailer, but frankly I think it looks pretty charming - and what's wrong with a genre show targeted at women and girls? Lead Melissa Benoit is adorable, and it looks like the show's creators are staying true to the mythology, even though it will complicate their storytelling. I respect that, and I have faith in the producers, who are already responsible for Arrow and The Flash, two very different but very entertaining shows.

I think Supergirl has the potential to be another The Bionic Woman for young women, and I hope she soars. 

The Moonhaulers

When I first saw this calendar sometime back in 1977, I'm sure my face fell in slack-jawed wonder. Some villain had knocked the moon out of its orbit, and only the Justice League (and Supergirl) could put it back in its rightful place! The concept is ludicrous, but the great Neal Adams somehow makes it work. Those kilometres-long harnesses bolted across the face of the moon are wonderful, and look at the strain on the faces of Superman and Supergirl. Adams totally sells it. Everyone has a role to play; presumably Green Lantern is either shoring up the harnesses so they don't snap, or helping push; possibly both. Wonder Woman is using her lasso to help arrest the Moon's fall, even though in this era she couldn't fly under her own power, so I'm not sure what's going on there. Compared to the titans putting all their godlike energy into the effort, Hawkman's Thanagarian police cruiser probably isn't adding much thrust to the package, but all for one and one for all. I suppose Aquaman, Green Arrow and Black Canary are on board to provide damage control if the ship blows some fuses.

As for Batman, well...thanks for coming out, Bruce, but standing there and yelling "Push! Harder!" can't be that helpful in this situation.

Revolt of the Super-Chicks

In late 1965, Supergirl and Wonder Woman starred in The Brave & the Bold #63 - "The Revolt of the Super-Chicks!", a love letter to conformity and traditional gender roles. The premise: lacking romance because she's seen as too intimidating for men, Supergirl abandons her role as a superheroine so she can focus on being what men want: something feminine, i.e., weak and frail. That's not subtext in this story, it's flat out text:

It seems laughable on the face of it that men wouldn't be attracted to an adorable blonde co-ed in a skintight leotard and miniskirt, but in the world of sixties comics, apparently Supergirl can't catch a break in the dating game. So she takes drastic measures...

Superman, playing the voice of masculine authoritarianism, tries to convince his cousin that she's making a bad decision. But she's a little too clever for Supes, with hilarious results:

"Why...uh...ulp...I - I'm very FOND of girls...I...uh.." Methinks thou dost protest too much, Superman.

Supergirl figures that Paris is the home of romance and the best place to get some action, and she's right - no sooner does she set foot in the City of Lights that she becomes a "glamorpuss playgirl," at least according to Wonder Woman, dispatched by Superman to talk sense into his cousin. But Supergirl is a bad influence, and soon enough Wonder Woman finds herself a suave French playmate as well...

...a chauvinist dimwit who thinks fighting crime is unfeminine. Tell that to the world's female police officers! And yet, Wonder Woman buys into her lover's point of view without question.

Meanwhile, some boulders conveniently fall out of nowhere to reinforce the sexist point. "If I stop them with my super-powers, I'll no longer seem feminine to him!" You know, if Sylvia could throw boulders, I'd still be attracted to her. Were men really this insecure in the sixties?

The rest of the story is cheerfully mundane; Supergirl and Wonder Woman team up to fight the forgettable Multi-Face and realize that they must continue to serve as superheroines, foregoing romance. It's as if the two endeavors are completely incompatible, yet super-heroes have no trouble fighting crime and having girlfriends. No double standard there!

The Daring New Adventures of Supergirl

Supergirl sure had some astounding adventures when she first started out, didn't she?

"Supergirl, I have an important secret mission for you."

"Oh boy! I'm ready, Superman! No matter how dangerous it is!"

"I want you to visit the cenus chief in Kandor so he can register you as yet another survivor of Krypton."

"Oh..."

Even Kryptonians had dentists, it seems. And they use..."kress beams." A little on the nose, isn't it? "Kress?" I mean, really. And what is it with comic book characters telling other characters information they should already know - assuming the person they're talking to isn't a complete imbecile? "Remember, here on Kandor, no one has super-powers, and we get toothaches like normal humans on Earth!" I'm sure Supergirl is thinking, "I know the drill, Dr. Exposition."

IF EARL LIVED IN A COMIC BOOK

CAPTION: As Earl enters the LEGISLATIVE ANNEX, home of the ALBERTA LIBERAL CAUCUS...

MLA: Hello, Earl! Have you designed that child care brochure yet? Remember, as the Communications Coordinator, your job is to ensure that our message reaches the public!

EARL (thinking): (gulp!) He's right! If I don't get the brochure done right away, citizens won't know what we stand for! Got to act fast!

CAPTION: Later, as Earl arrives home...

EARL: Hello, Sylvia! Have you cooked dinner yet? As my wife, you should be keeping me well-fed!

SYLVIA: Hello, Earl my husband! We've been married for just a few months! As your wife, isn't it about time we discussed our honeymoon!

CAPTION: Later, Earl goes out for a night with his friends, "The Boys."

EARL: Hello, chums! Are your character sheets ready! It's time for our bimonthly game of Dungeons and Dragons!

PETE: Some people say that Dungeons and Dragons is for geeks! But we always have fun, so who cares what the squares think! Besides, haven't we been playing this game since college!

MIKE: Some of you have! But some of us met through work and are relative newcomers to this strange new world of roleplaying! Give us a chance to get used to the rules!

COLIN: As Dungeon Master, I'm reminding you that what I say goes! Enough chatter! You're in a cave, and a troll attacks!

JEFF: Oh no! I rolled a one!

Geek Dojo Master Supreme Excellence of Happy Pop Culture Time Celebrates 40 Years Pineapple Show

Earlier this month, we celebrated Stephen Fitzpatrick’s 40th birthday. Since I’ve known Stephen for over 20 years now, this seems an opportune time to offer tribute.

I’ve known Steve since high school. We met, to the best of my recollection, while serving on Student Council; I was the Grade 10 Representative, and I believe he was the Vice-President…I’m sure Steve will step in to correct me. I liked Stephen right from the start, even though we weren’t much alike on the surface; he was outgoing where I was introspective, he was tall and I was short, he seemed like the least neurotic person I’d ever met, while I felt like I was drowning in teenage angst every moment. Steve was a breath of fresh air.

Stephen Fitzpatrick and Earl J. Woods, back row, right.

Stephen is a very gregarious guy, one of the most fun and fun-loving people I’ve ever met. When Stephen discovers something he loves, he shares it with his friends. And I’ve benefited from that generosity from the beginning. Steve’s impulse to share introduced me to a wide variety of important pop culture touchstones. Steve has long been on the cutting edge of this stuff; without his guidance, I might not have become the geek I am today. Stephen introduced me to...

Moonlighting. It was quite possibly the best television drama/comedy of the 1980s, with terrific writing, inventive direction, and the most engaging leads ever to grace the screen. This was smart TV, and helped me fall in love with the medium.

Crisis on Infinite Earths. I was at that age when I thought that I’d grown too old for comics, but Steve told me that I had to check this out – they’d killed the Flash! And Supergirl! I thought he was nuts – superheroes didn’t die. At the very least, they didn’t stay dead. But Steve drove me up to a comic shop in Edmonton – I don’t recall the name, only that it belonged to a guy named Jim – and I caught up on the Crisis, got hooked on the reimagining of Superman, and collected comics for the next twenty years or so, before I finally realized I was spending more on the hobby than I was paying in rent. My pocketbook may not be too happy with Stephen, but I’m grateful for the endless hours of entertainment.

Science fiction conventions. I knew they existed, but I’d never been to one until Steve drove a group of us down to Con-Version II in Calgary. There’s something very liberating about dressing up like a fool and trading obscure inside jokes while racing from panel discussions to the dealers’ tables to the movie room, all while enduring the befuddled stares of less addled folk. Steve and I even shared a costuming prize one year – he was a Klingon accountant, I was the Starfleet officer tasked to deal with him.

Stephen Fitzpatrick in cosume as...I'm not sure what.

Stephen as a dog soldier, I think, second from left

New tabletop roleplaying games. To wit, the Star Trek RPG (naturally) and Villains & Vigilantes. Villains and Vigilantes was a great game, with a novel conceit: you played yourself, but with super-powers. We had a blast uprooting telephone poles to use as clubs, foiling bank robbers, and surviving nuclear catastrophe.

John Carpenter Movies. Stephen introduced me to John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing and Big Trouble in Little China – two very different, but equally awesome films. The first is one of the most bleak and chilling SF/horror pictures ever made, while the second is one of my favourite comedies. John Carpenter’s filmography is pretty uneven, but these are masterpieces of the genre, and I’m grateful Steve brought the director to my attention.

So with all that preamble out of the way, let’s enjoy a few pictures of the party. Here’s to your first 40 years, Stephen!

Stephen is sure to enjoy this fine bottle of...cat's piss?

The "Hawaii Four-Oh" theme encouraged loud partying and loud shirts.

Even though fire, alcohol, tools and skipping ropes were all present at the party, Jeff managed not to hurt himself.

Colin, Audrey and Scott look on as Stephen delivers a rousing speech (edited for content and length)

I liked the indoor palm tree, so Stephen was kind enough to take this photo of Sylvia and me.

Pete hammers a coconut, presumably so he can put a lime in it.

Mike sculpts. From the expression on his face, I'm not sure I want to know what horrors he hopes to coax from the clay.

Heather and Jeff, just because it's a nice picture. Except for the branch sticking out of Jeff's head...I'd like to pretend that Jeff merely had another accident, but in this case it's just my bad composition.

Super Innuendo

Oh, Batgirl!

"Batgirl! I've been running into you a lot lately - you sure know how to fill up a girl's lungs!"

When I first read the issue of Superman Family that features this breathtaking panel, I was only seven or eight years old, and boy did it make an impression. Look how happy Supergirl is. Look at that pose! It all seems kind of blase to Batgirl, though - like she fills up superheroine lungs all the time.

"I hope you're recovered, Supergirl, because we're pressed for time - and your powers have been reduced!"

Is it just me, or is this panel chock full of subtle double entendres? Maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe I'm still seeing it.

From the Files of Earl's Comic Collection

I own this comic (though I didn't create this scan - I'm not sure where it came from, only that Google Desktop found it on my hard drive). Makes me want to dig it out and find out why Supergirl and Zatanna are so warm for this guy's icy, abominable form. Finding the comic would be quite a job, though, considering that my collection is tucked away in boxes stacked to the ceiling of our storage room. Sigh.

Zatanna's one of my favourite comic book characters, even if her powers seem a little absurd. She casts magic spells by speaking backwards...

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