Susanberry

Bitter Litter II: Basil's Revenge

Bitter Litter II: Basil's Revenge

Screenplay.....Earl J. Woods
Directed.....Earl J. Woods

Starring
Steven Neumann.....The Robot
Ron Briscoe.....Corpse
Jeff Shyluk.....Basil
Earl J. Woods...Voice of the Artificial Intelligence

1. INT. An apartment and adjoining hallway. A body lies prone with a cord wrapped around its neck. Another body is sprawled across the first. A humanoid ROBOT stands over them, a hammer in hand.

ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.

The ROBOT drags the two men - BASIL and VENGEFUL MAN - out the door and down the hall.

CLOSE SHOT of BASIL's eyes, fluttering open. He appears to have only been stunned by the blow delivered in the first BITTER LITTER film!

BASIL: My head...what...what happened...the brain machine...my mother told me...never to be a quitter...Doc...Doc...he shot her...that punk with the ray gun shot her...earrrgghhh!!!!

BASIL wrenches himself from the ROBOT's grasp. The ROBOT drops the CORPSE of the man with the cord around his neck.

ROBOT: Stop. You are trash. You are no longer bitter.

BASIL: No longer bitter? No longer bitter? I'll show you how bitter I am! I still have the brain machine!

BASIL starts turning and twisting dials. The ROBOT stutters and spasms.

ROBOT: Stop! My circuits - you are scrambling them - making my eyes - glitter - flitter -

BASIL: Yeah!? Why don't you tweet about it on Twitter???

ROBOT: Danger! Anachron particles detected! Continuity crisis made possible by mutant machine!

CUT TO

2. INT. OFFICE. A 1990s-era IBM PC sits on a desk. A happy face glows on the green CRT monitor.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world's first and only artificial life form, Doctor! Well, except for your Robot, and it doesn't count because it's just a rhyming murder machine! Aren't humans proved so respectful?

3. INT. HALLWAY. ROBOT and BASIL battle. ROBOT knocks BASIL's glasses off with his hammer.

BASIL: My glasses! I can't see a thing without them! I'm blind as a ba-aaa-aaa--aaaattt!

ROBOT: Now you can change careers and be a pipe fitter. You no longer need to be the witter of us anymore.

BASIL: You're not making seee-eeennn---ssseeee!!!

BASIL, in desperation, throws the brain machine at the ROBOT. The ROBOT's face is smashed and its head explodes.

BASIL: I did it! I killed the Robot! Now who's the quitter, Ma? Now who's the quitter!? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The DIRECTOR appears, carrying the brain machine. He scurries down a dark hallway as he delivers the film's coda:

DIRECTOR: This has been another...Paranoid...Production. 

Last Day at the Bleak House of Blahs

When I started this blog, I called it The Bleak House of Blahgs in memory of my short but memorable time living with Ron, Allan and (briefly) Carrie in our ramshackle rented house at the corner of 107 and 107 in Edmonton, Alberta. We started called it the Bleak House of Blahs after Carrie moved out, for we were then all single, all unemployed or underemployed, and drowning in the angst of the twenty-something. If only we'd known how good we had it...

Here are a few seconds of video captured on my last day, featuring Susan and Ron. 

Miele Combat

While Sylvia was out shopping our new washer and dryer arrived today from Miele. The installers were very nice and professional, which in a way is unfortunate, for had it all gone wrong I could have called this post "Meile Combat." I suppose I could have someone photograph me pretending to be in a karate fight with the new washer and dryer, but no one else is home and I'm tired from mopping and vacuuming.

Susan Shyluk recommended Miele, so I trust that we'll enjoy this washer/dryer for decades to come. If not, I hold Susan responsible. 

Anonymous Love Note, circa 1989

Back in the late 80s and early 90s, when I had all my hair and I was still fit, my friends used to tease me about my many girlfriends. Of course I had no girlfriends at all, but that didn't stop the teasing, including this anonymous note, slipped under my door at 139 Kelsey Hall sometime early in my third year of university. I'm pretty sure my friend Susan Shyluk (nee Neumann) was responsible for this light mocking. I was rather befuddled the morning I woke up and found the note. (I kept it all these years because I'm a sentimentalist.)

A little earlier - sometime in second year - I discovered that someone had slipped a girl's bracelet into the pocket of my jacket. Completely lacking in self-confidence and desperate for female companionship, my heart leaped - a girl liked me! Why else would she do such a thing? What a wonderfully cryptic and yet romantic gesture.

My hopes were dashed about an hour later, when my friend Kim (who, it can now be confessed, I was somewhat enamored with) knocked on my door and asked for her bracelet back. She'd stuffed it into my pocket because I'd left my jacket on the floor in the proximity of the volleyball court where she was playing, and my pockets provided a convenient place to stash her stuff.

I meekly handed over the bracelet. If I couldn't have True Love, the trust of a good friend was equally precious.

MSTie Mints

Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are known as MSTies. Misty Mints are a popular Christmastime confection. So this seemed perfectly reasonable...

Gypsy's pose reminds me of the time my friend Susan had a few too many Misty Mints and wound up vomiting them into the bathtub. Poor Susan.

Meanwhile, Back at Susan's Blog

Click on the title of this posting to view a hilarious snapshot of some "Marshmallow Patients" Susan Shyluk had to tend to at a Canadian Labour Congress event. Susan and Jeff are in Mexico right now, the fiends, while I toil like a slave.

Speaking of which...back to work.

Shred Things Up

Back in the day, my friends and I used to hold Smash Things Up parties (well, to be fair, there were only two, and I missed the first one because I decided to lose my virginity instead). Smashing things up is incredibly cathartic - ask about the video we shot, and you'll see what I mean.

In the meantime, my friend Susan offers this incredible link to SSI's website, where you can watch videos of waste, appliances, and even vehicles put through their industrial shredder. HOLY SMASHAMOLEY!