The O Squad Masthead

Many years ago, DC Comics published a very amusing short comic story called "Attack of the O Squad!" Starro, the first antagonist of the Justice League of America, gathers other DC villains whose names end with "o" to take his revenge on the JLA. Alas, the whole plan falls apart when T.O. Morrow shows up, for his name ends not with "o," but "ow." 

"But it sounds the same!" 

Not good enough for the O Squad. 

I'm not sure what brought that story to mind tonight, but I began to wonder if the O Squad would ever get their own series. That prompted me to design a masthead for such a comic book. 

My graphic design skills are quite rusty from long disuse, but I think this works conceptually. It obviously needs considerable polishing to meet professional standards. I had fun designing it, though! 
 

Stretching Abilities

If I had stretching abilities like Mr. Fantastic or the Elongated Man, I'd definitely use them to help Sylvia reach things because she's even shorter than me, but I'd ALSO tease her with silly antics such as inflating my eyeballs or stretching my neck up high so I could look over people taller than us in public. "Stop making a scene," she'd say. Hee hee! 

I'd probably entertain some fantasies about fighting crime, but in the real world I think it would be pretty hard to find a crime in progress, and interfering without any training might do more harm than good. Also, crime can be better addressed by reducing income inequality, providing better social supports, improving public education, and creating affordable housing, among other measures. Sure, I might be able to wrap my body around bank robbers and hold them until the police arrive, but how much does that really benefit society? 

I'd definitely entertain myself by rolling down mountains, though. Or maybe jumping out of airplanes and seeing how high I bounce. Wheeee! 

Crisis on Infinite Budgets

YouTube creator UltraSargent has assembled a really fine-looking trailer that asks the question "What might result if someone adapted Crisis on Infinite Earths with an unlimited budget?" Lots of fun easter eggs for DC fans. 

Black Canary Rocks

I never thought I'd live in a world with a Lego Black Canary, but here we are. Still one of my favourite comic book heroines: smart, sensitive, courageous, takes no guff, sings, fights crime, and runs a flower shop. Now that's a superwoman. 

This Party is Off the Hook

My Ideal Suicide Squad Lineup, Part I

Some time ago I posted my ideal Justice League lineup; in the unlikely event I ever wound up writing the comic, that list includes the characters I'd most want to tell stories about.

This time around I thought I'd list the characters I'd like to write about if I were suddenly granted a new Suicide Squad title. It's not really my "ideal" list, since John Ostrander and Kim Yale have already written the definitive Suicide Squad title, and I've imposed a strict rule on myself: I can't use any characters that have already been members of the Squad.

For those unfamiliar with the title, the premise of Suicide Squad is simple: the government decides that supervillains could be valuable assets for espionage/black ops missions that require deniability. Select villains are offered time off their sentences for completing missions. If they try to escape during a mission, the explosives implanted in their bodies go off. The team usually features an assortment of good guys, or at least anti-heroes, to keep the villains in line. It's all very dark and Machiavellian.

Here's my Squad:

Black Canary (Dinah Lance) - Field Leader:
I've long been a fan of Black Canary; over the years she's become one of the most well-rounded female characters in comics, avoiding a bunch of sexist tropes despite the odds (and her most famous fishnet-and-leather costume). Dinah is not easily intimidated, she's grown into leadership, and she actually believes in redemption. She'd be critical of the whole Suicide Squad setup, but she'd feel compelled to make the most of a bad situation.

Atomic Skull (Alberta Michaels): This 70s Superman villain has a great moniker and a wicked costume that looks like something out of a Republic serial. He also has an appropriately dark super-power: he can fire devastating energy bolts, but every time does so he shortens his life expectancy. Formerly a respectable citizen, he turned to skulduggery when he came down with a rare brain
disease. This guy was breaking bad long before Breaking Bad...

Black Spider (Eric Needham): Every Suicide Squad needs an assassin with a troubled past (see: Deadshot), so Black Spider fills that role in my squad. He's also something of an underdeveloped blank slate, which leaves plenty of room for character development.

The Cavalier (Mortimer Drake): He's a foppish miscreant dressed like a...well, a cavalier, wielding a rapier. I figure he'd be good for a few laughs.

Cheetah (Deborah Domaine): This second iteration of the perennial Wonder Woman foe has a pretty awful backstory; she was once a decent human being, but she was kidnapped and brainwashed into taking the mantle of the evil Cheetah by the villainous Kobra. Her origin is filled with uncomfortable tropes, but perhaps there might be value in giving her a redemptive, re-empowering arc.

Cheshire (Jade LNU): My brother suggested I add Cheshire to the roster, and I can see why; she's perfect for the team. A deadly martial artist and poisoner, Cheshire has few redeeming qualities and would likely backstab any of her teammates for the slightest personal advantage.

Crazy Quilt (FNU Quilt): Stricken with a rare form of colour blindness, Quilt commits colour-related crimes with his crazy laser helmet. He's the comic relief.

...and I'm told I need to go watch the US Presidential debate. Stay tuned for tomorrow to find out my reasons for including characters such as...

Doctor Phosphorus!

Kite-Man!

Psycho Pirate!

Ragman!

...and you'll find out who leads this crazy assemblage of ne'er-do-wells! 

Zack Snyder's Justice League Plot

Based on clues dropped in the terrible Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, here's how I think the Justice League movie will go:

• Darkseid and his minions will invade Earth. Luckily Batman will have gathered the Justice League to fight them off, saving the day but only after tremendous destruction and vast loss of life. 
• During the battle Lois Lane's life will be endangered. Any one of the League members could save her, but Batman reluctantly orders them to focus on the fight against Darkseid. As a result, Lois dies tragically. 
• Superman comes back to life just in time to turn the tide and help the Justice League defeat the bad guys. But he finds a world in ruins, and with Lois dead, he becomes unhinged. 
• Superman sets himself up as a dictator, saying the universe is too dangerous for freedom (or some such nonsense) and that only he can take care of humans. 
• Batman sends the Flash back in time to warn his younger self, which we see in Batman v Superman when the Flash's apparition tells Bruce Wayne "Lois is the key! You were right to fear him!" 
• The movie ends with Batman and the Flash and maybe Cyborg forming an underground resistance, with Wonder Woman and Aquaman returning to their respective homes, withdrawing from messed-up human civilization. 
• In a cliffhanger ending, Superman and his stormtroopers rule the world with an iron fist, for its own good. 

Naturally, Zack Snyder will promote this character assassination as unexpected, edgy and bold, saying no one could have expected such a dramatic reversal of expectations (except any one of a zillion comic fans who've already put these pieces together). 

I hope this doesn't actually happen. But it seems pretty obvious given the dream sequences. 

You know what would actually be bold and unexpected? If they're going to continue making movies in this genre, make a movie where the good guy doesn't fight the bad guy. Just have the hero (or heroine) save people from disasters, muggings, accidents and so on, and show how the demands on his time make it difficult to live an ordinary life - but show that it's all worth it, don't make it dour and depressing. Comic books were huge in the mid-20th century because they were, above all, fun - which doesn't necessarily mean simple or unsophisticated. 

Or serve up something like Dredd, which has a simple, linear plot, but one that's executed with believable world-building, style and intelligence. 

Or just go back to any one of hundreds of legitimately great comic stories in the medium's decades-long history and adapt it faithfully. Think how bananas it would be to watch a film based on the Composite Superman story...

Not in the Cards?

Today I realized that to the best of my knowledge the Royal Flush Gang, longtime foes of the Justice League, have never teamed up with the Joker, Batman's greatest nemesis. You'd think such a meeting would be natural.

"What's wrong, Ten? Don't you know that every deck of cards has...a Joker? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA..."

You see what I mean. 

Justice League Apocalypse

After writing about the ideal Justice League lineup, it occurred to me that it might be fun to establish a new League made up only of members who had never before been on the team. (Also, Mike Totman claims my lists are "wrong" and that I should try again, so...) Considering that the various incarnations of the League have included all or most of DC's A, B, C and even D-list characters, that doesn't leave a lot of heroes to work with. I call the team the JLA, or Justice League Apocalypse, because most of the world's heroes have been called to the centre of the galaxy to fight a threat that will keep them conveniently off Earth for, oh, 32 issues (or six months in comic book time).

Prez, First Teen President
In the DC universe Prez Rickard was President of the United States for a single term sometime during the 1970s, presumably displacing Ford or Carter. What if he ran again for a second term in modern times? He doesn't have any super-powers, but hey - he's the President, he RUNS a superpower.

Brother Power, the Geek
A super-powered animated mannequin with ties to the supernatural, described at one point as a failed elemental in the vein of Swamp Thing or Firestorm.

Nightshade
An excellent hand-to-hand fighter and she can teleport, always a useful skill for superhero teams.

Green Lantern (Lana Lang)
There's a long tradition of turning sidekicks into super-heroes in their own right, and Lana's brief career as Insect Queen shows she has the mettle to handle being named Earth's latest Green Lantern.

Firehawk
Lorraine Reilly is a US Senator, which ties in nicely with Prez' presence as leader of the team. She's also an energy-based powerhouse on par with Firestorm.

Pozhar
Basically the Russian version of Firestorm, I figure the idealistic Prez would want Russian representation on the team to further the spirit of international peace and goodwill.

Slam Bradley
One of the original comic-book tough guys, created by Siegel and Shuster before Superman. Adds a dash of pulp fun to the series.

Rex the Wonder Dog
He's a sapient wonder dog! Steadfast, loyal and imbued with all the powers of dogs, but smarter.

A Superman Robot
The Silver Age Superman once built and used Superman robots to cover for him during emergencies. I figure since story reasons prevent him from accepting Prez' invitation to join the team, Superman loans Prez one of his most advanced robot duplicates. Could be darkly amusing to have them get destroyed and replaced every so often.

Vartox
An alien as powerful as Superman but who looks like Sean Connery circa Zardoz, Vartox's arrogance would be a fun foil for the team.

Mera
For whatever reason Aquaman's wife never made the JLA cut, which is weird because she's arguably more powerful and interesting than her husband.

Plastique
French-Canadian, started off as a villain, brings more international cred to the team as well as an interesting background and powerset.

Sinbad
Young Quraci Davood Nasuur appeared in a few issues of Superman in the 90s, and I was sorry he didn't get more exposure - he was well-written and tweaked Lex Luthor's nose by using Luthor's technology to fight crime instead of perpetrating it. Also cool in that he's an immigrant and a teenager with a loving family to protect.

Tempest
A former member of the Doom Patrol with energy-blasting powers. Interesting in that as a member of the Patrol he's pretty much seen it all, and to him the League adventures might seem staid and even routine.

Celsius
Yes, she's another Doom Patrol veteran, but she's also South Asian, a rarity in comics, and she has neat fire-and-ice powers. She's also rather aloof and mysterious.

Tempest and Celsius have both been killed in the comics, but death is never a barrier for long for superheroes. I figure the Chief dumped them both in a Lazarus pit somewhere and after resurrection they left Niles in a fit of pique. (This would be S.O.P. for Doom Patrol characters). 

My Ideal Justice League Lineup

Comic book nerds like me often have their favourite team line-ups, often based on the team's composition during the golden age, i.e., the golden age of the comic-loving kid, between ages 6 to 12 or so. For me, my team was the Justice League of America and my line-up was the 1970s league, or as it's often called the "Satellite League" because they operated out of the Justice League satellite orbiting Earth. At this time the League included most of the icons: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and secondary favourites including the Atom, Black Canary, the Elongated Man, Red Tornado, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, Green Arrow, and, later, Firestorm and Zatanna. 

I grew out of comics in my very early teens but then returned to them in my late teens, thanks mostly to Stephen Fitzpatrick and his steadfast refusal to shun certain pursuits just because some people regard them as childish. I started reading comics again in late high school and continued reading them throughout university up until...well, now, basically. So I've seen quite a few different Justice Leagues, my second-favourite almost certainly being the hilarious yet dramatic Giffen/DeMatteis League of the late 1980s/early 1990s. It's weird to think of this team as updated and modern considering their adventures are now decades in the past, but this was the first JLA since the Crisis on Infinite Earths that had upset the DC universe's status quo. This new League had a couple of old mainstays like Batman and Black Canary, but also brought aboard New Gods like Mr. Miracle and Big Barda, new-ish character Booster Gold, Earth-4 transplants the Blue Beetle and Captain Atom, Earth-2 transplant Dr. Fate, a new and churlish Green Lantern, Captain Marvel, former Global Guardians Fire and Ice, and an evolving assortment of new and rebooted characters. 

As enjoyable as those stories and teams were, though, I always felt that they could be improved upon with the addition of certain characters and the subtraction of others. Like any fan, I imagined how awesome it would be to have a Justice League composed only of my favourite characters without the distractions of the ones I found annoying. (Mature readers understand the importance of not being pandered to, but this thought experiment is about wish fulfilment.) Think of it as fantasy football or fantasy baseball, but for geeks. 

So, without further ado, the JLE, or Justice League of Earl: 

Superman

Of course Superman is going to be on my team. He's the prototypical superhero, the embodiment of truth and justice. His boy scout attitude is both inspirational and provides more pragmatic team members with a source of frustration and amusement. Plus his powers are fun to explore - always versatile and interesting, if written properly. 

Wonder Woman

The prototypical superheroine is a great match for Superman, with a fascinating mythological backstory and a compelling dichotomy between loving compassion and ruthless warrior instincts. 

Green Lantern

As in the superb Justice League animated series, I'd go with John Stewart rather than Hal Jordan or one of the other Earth Lanterns. But I'd make sure to return him to his roots as an architect with a love of Streisand, rather than the stereotypical US Marine he's characterized as these days. 

The Atom

Every team needs a brilliant scientist, and Ray Palmer not only fills that role, he's a great catalyst for adventures at the subatomic level, for that, of course, is the Atom's super-power. He's also Jewish, which adds a touch of diversity. 

Green Arrow

Angry 1970s diehard liberal Green Arrow was the social conscience of the League, and he could be again. 

Black Canary

She has guts, brains, she's tough, sexy, determined, incredibly skilled and passionate, and her bickering with the Green Arrow is often a lot of fun. 

The Elongated Man

I like Ralph because he's often underestimated. His stretching power is a little goofy, but people forget that he's a fine detective. He also has a public, rather than a secret, identity, and he's married, which has, in the past, led to some fun domestic drama. 

Zatanna

Every team needs a mystic, and Zatanna has an interesting backstory, a funky gimmick (the backwards spells), and a tragic past. She's the gateway to stories of myth and magic. 

Firestorm

As a composite of two people - a young jock and a middle-aged scientist - Firestorm combines atomic angst with the pressures of growing up and a very interesting surrogate father/son dynamic. Plus his powerset is very cool and unusual. 

Red Tornado

Red Tornado's 1970s look is one of the great character designs of the era, and like Firestorm, he has a versatile and interesting powerset. He's also an android built by a League enemy, which offers fertile storytelling possibilities. 

Black Lightning

Schoolteacher Jefferson Pierce is one of my favourite characters, an angry black man straight out of the blaxploitation era. Another hero with a great costume design and cool powers, Black Lightning comes with a tragic past to rival Batman's. 

Blue Beetle

Ted Kord was a great source of humour in the 80s League; he's also a rich guy with a lot of high-tech toys. He's sort of like Batman, but less troubled. 

Doctor Light

The first Doctor Light was a villain, but Kimiyo Hoshi took the name (and a similar costume) during the Crisis, and joined the 80s League a few years later. She's a single mother and a medical doctor, as well as a healthy dose of offputting arrogance. 

Captain Atom

Great powers, fantastic "costume" (really a shell of alien metal), excellent supporting characters and a military mindset, which works nicely in opposition to liberal characters like Green Arrow and Superman. 

Tomorrow Woman

Another android created by the same villain who built Red Tornado, Tomorrow Woman appeared in only one issue of JLA in the 90s - but it was such a great story that I'd find a way to bring her back. Fun, upbeat, heroic and self-sacrificing, she'd make a great counterpoint to the more dour Red Tornado. 

Bronze Tiger

A fearsome martial artist and reformed member of the evil League of Assassins. 

The Question

Faceless conspiracy theorist and a great foil for some of the more naive characters. Fantastic character design and great for the urban milieu. 

Jonah Hex

Yes, he's from the Wild West, but he's no stranger to time travel, and he'd be hilariously out of place in the Justice League. 

So that's my list. I think I could get a pretty solid two or three year run out of these guys. 

Superman Puns Too!

Art and dialogue by Daniel Brereton.

After battling an ancient and dangerous god to a standstill, the Justice League discusses future options in the denouement of 2000's JLA: Seven Caskets one-shot. Note that Brereton, a successful comics professional, takes great care to provide Superman with the perfect opening for a story-ending pun. Indeed, perhaps the entire 50-page story was nothing more than the lead-in for Superman's play on words! (I've highlighted the joke for you just in case it's too subtle.)

I find it interesting that Superman's expression mirrors my own when I deliver a pun. Batman's pained countenance is also familiar, as is Wonder Woman's indulgent grin and Aquaman's wry "he's at it again" look.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to justify my love of bad puns, in much the same way that LARPers use Captain Picard's love of the holodeck to justify their hobby.

Not-so-Wondrous Woman

To be fair, many people have trouble with this trick.

Earning Their Space Pay

Skylab, the US' first space station, was pretty big news in the 1970s. So perhaps it's only natural that the writers of DC Comics' Justice League of America wanted to pay homage to the intrepid space pioneers by giving them a one-panel cameo on the splash page. They even note Skylab's "twelfth record-breaking week in outer space."

But how must these astronauts feel, cooped up in a tin can made of Apollo program leftovers, when they can see the colossal Justice League satellite way up above them in geosynchronous orbit? The JLA satellite has room to accommodate dozens of people in a shirtsleeve (or spandex) environment - and it features artificial gravity and a teleporter, not to mention private staterooms. Meanwhile, Skylab astronauts have to poop in plastic bags and eat food through a straw. No wonder they'd give up half their "space pay" to trade places with the Leaguers.

This is one of the ways in which the conventions of the superhero genre batter suspension of disbelief into jelly. If such fantastic technology exists, why haven't the world's superheroes used it to uplift the entire human species? Imagine the problems they could solve with teleportation and artificial gravity alone. Instead, they use their advanced science to stop people in silly costumes from robbing banks (or, to be fair, from destroying the world.)

See Reed Richards is Useless at TV Tropes for more on this baffling storytelling convention.

The Giant Robots of Orwell's 1984

"Orwell's nightmare world of 1984!"
"Machines turning against men!"
"Programmed to destroy!"

I've read 1984 three or four times. Admittedly, the last time was probably fifteen years ago...but I don't remember any giant robots. I wonder if Superman, Batman, the Atom and Black Canary bugged Flash about this after the battle:

"Hey Barry...you know there aren't any robots in 1984, right?"

"Uh...sure...I was...speaking in metaphors. Like, um...how in the novel technology runs amok and the country is at war all the time and all the war machines - "

"Barry, the only obvious technology in the book is a two-way television that you can't turn off."

"See! Technology enabling a nightmare world!"

"That's really stretching it, Barry."

The Scariest Justice League Cover Ever

When I first saw this comic book cover, it gave me nightmares. Super-heroes reduced to red dust by a bug-eyed, pink-skinned monster! Those empty costumes, stark reminders of heroes blasted to atoms! Eeeeee! I had the heebie-jeebies over this for years.

Fortunately, the heroes were fine by the next issue.

JLExicon

Click to embiggen...

From Justice League of America #69, cover-dated February, 1969 (my birth month, oddly enough). How sad that these super-heroes feel the need to belittle the vocabulary of their foes. You'd think pounding them to a pulp would be punishment enough.

The Arrow of His Ways

Green Arrow has a lot of tricks up his quiver, and some of them even make sense. I can see how a flare arrow could come in handy for a super hero; if Green Arrow ever gets lost, he can simply shoot up a flare and one of his Justice League pals, or at least a forest ranger, will come running. A dry ice arrow could be employed to create a fog to befuddle foes. A two-stage rocket arrow could be used to launch a small satellite, or maybe an ICBM. (Hey, in comic books, the implausible is commonplace.)

But...a balloon arrow? A BOOMERANG ARROW? Yeah, that's what I want - an arrow that will turn around and impale me instead of the bad guy.

And why oh why is Green Arrow carrying around a fountain pen arrow? Are his skills so incredible that he can actually shoot this arrow and cause it to write something legible on the the target? Not only that, but why a fountain pen? He'd have to pause and dip it in an inkwell before firing. Wouldn't a ballpoint pen arrow make more sense?

I can only think of one possible dramatic use for this arrow: upon his induction into the Justice League, Superman must have said, "Welcome to the JLA, GREEN ARROW! To make your membership official, you must sign the OATH OF FEALTY!"

To which Green Arrow would have replied, "That's a cinch, SUPERMAN! With my trusty FOUNTAIN PEN ARROW, I can sign the document with just the flick of my bowstring!" Naturally, these words would have gushed forth in the instant it took Green Arrow to loose the arrow in question.

"Holy John Hancock!" Flash would say.

Wisteria Hysteria

In an email sent some months ago to a few of my friends, I described the lunacy of "The Negative-Crisis on Earths One-Two!" from JLA #56, September, 1967. Now, thanks to the wonders of the blogosphere, here's an updated missive, with illustrations!

A "Negative Crisis" has infected several superheroes - some from Earth-1, some from Earth-2 - with "negative radiation," causing them to run berzerk. The solution to such an unusual crisis?

Pages of senseless violence, of course.

Here, the Earth-2 Hawkman and the Earth-1 Green Arrow are in a battle with a mind-controlled Earth-1 Flash.


...explosi-arrows??


How chu doin', mang?

The mighty Flash, brought down with nothing more than an explosi-arrow (?!) and a few flower petals. And yet, this weakness isn't listed on his DC Heroes RPG character sheet.

Later, Mr. Terrific and Wildcat, both of Earth-2, must battle the possessed Green Lantern of Earth-1. The following exchange occurs just as Green Lantern whaps Wildcat and Mr. Terrific around with some giant tables (!) constructed with his power ring, a super-weapon that creates whatever Green Lantern can imagine out of thin air:




Mr. Terrific's abdominal plate is yellow. Why not use it as a sheild?




Sergio Leone's "A Fistful of Flowers," coming to a theatre near you.





Sour apples indeed

Parents, tired of your kids? Send them to Camp Green Lantern for the summer!




Almost as bad as Batman incapacitating himself by stepping on a pebble, but not quite.




Oh, the humanity. Beating an unconscious man with sticks. Comic books - they're not just for kids!




Livin' in a BOX...livin' in a wooden box...

This is how super-heroes treat their friends - by mercilessly beating them with sticks. Now, imagine how they treat their foes, and you can see why, in the real world, the ACLU would probably disapprove of costumed vigilantes.