The Good, the Bad, and the Needs Revision

Midway through one of my political science courses at the University of Alberta, my professor pulled me aside for a chat after class. 

"What happened with this essay? You've done very well on your exams, so I know you can do better than this. It reads like a Time magazine article." 

For a second, I was confused. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of "Isn't that good?" 

"No, no," he said. It's well-written, but it lacks depth. There's no real analysis here, it's just a shallow summary of the subject matter. You need to dive deeper, think harder about the subject matter, do some extra research, develop your own thoughts." 

Those may not be the professor's exact words, but that was their spirit, and they hit me hard--because I knew he was right. Sometimes, when I'm not motivated or invested or I've left an assignment to the last minute, I can get lazy and produce material that doesn't reflect my full potential. It still happens on this very blog! 

A little over a decade later, my friend Bruce (then my supervisor), criticized a story I'd written for our gardening magazine in much the same way, comparing it to a freelance article I'd written about Superman. The words he used were different, but his point was the same--and like my professor, Bruce was right. 

During my time at the University of Alberta and at my corporate writing jobs across the years, I've written plenty of stories and speeches that I'm quite proud of. But there's also a large collection of pieces I know could have been better. 

I feel especially bad to have let my professor and Bruce down, back then, and I'm sure those weren't the only instances when a teacher or colleague or client was disappointed by my work. 

It makes you wonder if writers of, say, Hemingway's caliber have drawers full of old articles and stories that they look upon with a bit of self-loathing. 

On the bright side, it's a real pleasure when you stumble upon a work you've forgotten and think to yourself, "Hey, I wrote this? I did, and wow, it's pretty good." 

When I look back on my career, I hope I can say I wrote more good stories than bad. 

Normie Kwong Gets a Heritage Minute

 

I was fortunate enough to meet Norman Kwong when he took over from Lois Hole as Lieutenant Governor of Alberta, and I wrote speeches for him for a couple of years. He was a very congenial fellow, and he certainly deserves this accolade! 

About "Chekov's Gun"

Until this week, my attempts to write fiction have been undisciplined; typically, I just start writing. I usually have a theme in mind, and a loose plot, but I've never really made any effort to follow the formal structure of a short story--until "Chekov's Gun." So here's the story behind the story . . . 

Where No Earl Has Gone Before
For many years, I've thought there should be a Star Trek story that played on Ensign Pavel Chekov's name and that of playwright Anton Chekhov, who famously believed that if you introduce a gun at the beginning of a story, it must go off before the story is over. Otherwise, why put the gun there in the first place? "Gun," of course, could mean any significant story element, and Chekhov himself didn't always follow this principle. Even so, the pun was too delicious to resist, especially since Chekhov and Chekov are, of course, Russian. 

I was originally going to call the story "Chekov's Phaser" to align with Star Trek lore, but reverted to "Chekov's Gun" to make the pun even more apparent. 

An idea doesn't have much value unless it's used to create something, and at first I had in mind a murder mystery involving the theft of Chekov's phaser and its use in the murder of a visiting alien diplomat. But mystery writing requires knowledge and techniques that I simply don't have. I'd have to come up with something else. 

Spectre of the Gun
Guns, and weapons in general, loom large in human culture and our collective artistic tradition. Guns are particularly potent symbols because practically anyone can wield the power of life and death in one hand with barely any training at all; to kill has become practically effortless, and that reality has resulted in millions of deaths in just a few centuries. 

In action-adventure stories, guns and their consequences are often trivialized or even fetishized; they're tools of empowerment that allow heroes to overcome evil or villains to slay innocents. Film noir, crime stories, and mainstream literature sometimes treat guns with greater ambiguity, treating the problem of violence more seriously; revisionist westerns do this, too. 

But by and large, it seems to me that most people, if they think about weapons at all, probably have a neutral or positive view of guns as tools for hunting or defence. 

In Star Trek and nearly ever other science fiction series, guns are ubiquitous. But unlike, for example, Battlestar Galactica, Space: 1999, Babylon 5, and so on, weapons in Star Trek are usually seen as a last resort; we see this repeatedly through character dialogue and actions. 

That suggests there exists a strong cultural taboo in the world of Star Trek against indiscriminate use of lethal force--much stronger, I would say, than the real world of today, in which petty criminals and innocents are far too often killed by the very police who are theoretically supposed to protect them; where wars continue to rage, and are seen as justified; where mass shootings kill children and trigger only thoughts and prayers. 

Patterns of Force
On the other hand, we've seen many characters on Star Trek take lives. In the very first episode broadcast, Doctor McCoy kills a clearly sapient alien who's threatening Captain Kirk. Commander Riker guns down an alien assassin (after warning her several times to stop threatening her victim). Captain Picard kills at least one of the terrorists attempting to rob materials from his ship. Miles O'Brien kills several Cardassians during a prisoner rescue. And that's not to mention the scores of deaths resulting from starship combat. Worf kills the man who murdered his wife. Major Kira made a career of killing Cardassians during her time in the Bajoran resistance. 

Even so, if a heroic character in Star Trek kills someone, there's usually a justifiable reason for it; or if not justifiable, at least the killings are (mostly) legal in the world of the show. 

Still, it bothers me that we never see anyone on Star Trek go through any kind of emotional trauma after they've vaporized someone or chopped them in half with a sword. In a television production, we can assume that this trauma occurs offscreen. But I think it would be valuable to Star Trek if the creators devoted at least one episode to the costs of killing, even when the circumstances seem to leave no other option. 

The Enemy Within
Here, then, was my theme for the story; the price of killing. I wanted to explicitly show that even if it appears the characters on Star Trek sometimes take lives without seeming to feel any remorse, I think if we are to have any sympathy for our heroes we have to believe their consciences weigh heavily in the aftermath. 

Once I had my theme in mind, I just needed to put poor Chekov in a situation where he would be forced to kill--and be forced to face the consequences of his choice. 

A Private Little War
Once putting my thoughts in order, I turned all the way back to grade school Language Arts classes to recall the structure of a short story: exposition, complication (or conflict), which together form the rising action; the climax; and the falling action, including the denouement or resolution. Following this structure ensured I put the right elements in the story in the right places without missing anything important. 

Wink of an Eye
Following a formal structure helped clarify my thinking and gave me the confidence I needed to try some little tricks; for example, while Chekov's phaser is the obvious "gun" referenced in the title, it's not the only one: Chekov's esper rating and the bronze gunk he gets on his clothing also play key roles in the plot. 

I have one aside: During revision, I discovered a continuity error, and at first I wrote it out--but then, indulging a bit of playfulness, I left it intact. Why? Because the original series had all kinds of continuity errors, and inserting one by accident tickled me a little. Can you spot it? 

The Words Behind the Pictures

I don't know exactly how Letterboxd defines a writing credit for the purposes of their database, but I suspect it's broader than just screenplays, judging by some of the names on my list of most-seen films written by these people. 

Having seen all the films that Charlie Chaplin has directed, I suppose it's no surprise that he's also my most-seen writer, too, given the amount of control and involvement Chaplin had in his films. 

The next three names in the list--Maltese, Foster, and Pierce--all wrote a bunch of Looney Tunes shorts. 

Ben Hecht, next on the list, has a fascinating filmography, writing superb films like Notorious, Spellbound, Scarface, Design for Living, Stagecoach, The Thing, and Strangers on a Train, but also z-grade stuff like Queen of Outer Space, the 1967 version of Casino Royale, and Switching Channels. 

Felix Adler wrote Three Stooges shorts. 

Ian Fleming makes the list thanks to James Bond and Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang. 

David Lynch, of course, writes or co-writes most of the material he directs.

Clyde Bruckman is another writer of Three Stooges shorts, but also features from comedy greats such as Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd. 

Woody Allen, like Chaplin and Lynch, writes much of his own material. 

Stephen King makes the list, I suspect, because of "story by..." credits for the many adaptations of his novels and short stories. 

Laurent Bouzereau produces short documentary "making-of" subjects that appear as special features on many of my discs. 

Orson Welles, again, is another film polymath. 

George Lucas makes the list thanks to Star Wars, Indiana Jones, American Graffiti, etc. 

Sylvester Stallone, I suspect, is here thanks to the Rocky and Rambo franchises. 

Elwood Ullman is another Three Stooges writer. What a fun job that would have been...

Richard Matheson is a well-regarded prose fantasist, SF author, and contributor of teleplays to The Twilight Zone, among other shows. Here for adaptations, much like King, I suspect. 

Ethan Coen is of course one-half of the famous Coen Brothers writing-directing team.

And finally, David Cronenberg is another director who writes much of his own material. 

 

Escape from Gilligan's Island: The Roleplaying Game, Part III: Character Creation, Part II

Skills on Gilligan's Island
Like all humans, Castaways possess a wide range of skills thanks to natural aptitude, many hours of practise, or both. During the game, characters will find their skills tested by many challenges, suffering penalties to their chance of success if they do not possess the particular skill needed in the given moment. 

The following skills are most relevant to life on the island:

Acrobatics
The ability to bob, dodge, weave, balance, and perform other feats of dexterity.

Acting
The ability to play a role convincingly on stage or film or even during one’s personal life.

Animal Friendship
The ability to make friends with animals, or at least to convince them you’re not a threat or prey.

Animal Husbandry
The ability to breed livestock.

Archery
The ability to shoot a bow and arrow.

Bamboo Building
The ability to create buildings and vehicles out of bamboo.

Banjo
The ability to play the banjo.

Brass
The ability to play brass instruments, such as the tuba, sousaphone, trumpet, etc.

Bullying
The ability to threaten and coerce others into doing your will.

Butterfly Collecting
The ability to identify, collect, and display butterflies.

Camping
The ability to create a campsite and live comfortably outdoors for days or weeks at a time.

Carpenter
The ability to use tools and raw materials to assemble structures.

Cinematography
The ability to competently shoot motion pictures with a motion picture camera.

Climbing, Cliff
The ability to scale cliffs, with or without equipment.

Climbing, Mountain
The ability to scale mountains, with or without equipment.

Climbing, Tree
The ability to climb trees.

Clothes Washing
The ability to wash clothing.

Coconut Crafting
The ability to create useful tools out of coconut shells, oil, meat, and leaves.

Cooking
The ability to cook with primitive equipment.

Cycling
The ability to ride a bicycle.

Dancing, Ballroom
The ability to ballroom dance.

Dancing, Tap
The ability to tap dance.

Deception
The ability to fool someone into believing something that is not true.

Disguise
The ability to change your appearance with clothing, makeup, and appliances.

Driving
The ability to drive an automobile.

Dynamite Handling
The ability to handle dynamite without blowing yourself up.

Electronics
The ability to understand and repair electronic devices and understand the principles behind their function.

Farming
The ability to plant, raise, and harvest crops.

Finance
The ability to invest wisely in capital markets.

First Aid
The ability to provide basic first aid to an injured person.

Fishing
The ability to catch fish.

Fistfighting
The ability to engage in fisticuffs.

Flirting
The ability to arouse someone’s interest in you as a sexual being.

Gardening
The ability to grow small-scale plots or planters of flowers, herbs, vegetables, small fruits and berries, and trees and shrubs. 

 Gathering
The ability to gather fruits, nuts, and other naturally-occurring foodstuffs.

Grooming
The ability to maintain one’s own personal hygiene and personal appearance.

Guitar, Rhythm
The ability to play rhythm guitar.

Guitar, Bass
The ability to play bass guitar.

Hairdressing
The ability to cut and style hair.

Harmonica
The ability to play the harmonica.

Harpsichord
The ability to play the harpsichord.

Hiking
The ability to walk long distances through challenging terrain.

History
Understanding the study of history, focused on the past of the human species. 

Hot Air Ballooning
The ability to operate a hot air balloon.

Hunting
The ability to track down game.

Illusion
The ability to perform feats of illusion through slight-of-hand or other trickery.

Invention
The ability to conceptualize and assemble a device for some utilitarian or artistic purpose.

Juggling
The ability to juggle two or more small items such as balls, boomerangs, jars, pineapples, coconuts, pies, torches, batons, etc.

Language, American Sign Language
The ability to speak American Sign Language.

Language, Cannibal
The ability to speak the language of the cannibals on nearby islands.  

Language, Cantonese
The ability to speak Cantonese.

Language, English
The ability to speak English.

Language, French
The ability to speak French.

Language, German
The ability to speak German.

Language, Japanese
The ability to speak Japanese.

Language, Mandarin
The ability to speak Mandarin.

Language, Spanish
The ability to speak Spanish.

Language, Swedish
The ability to speak Swedish.

Language, Tagalog
The ability to speak Tagalog.

Language, Transylvanian
The ability to speak Transylvanian.

Lip Reading
The ability to read lips and discover what a person is saying even if you can’t hear them.

Lockpicking
The ability to pick small locks.

Makeup
The ability to apply makeup to oneself or others.

Martial Arts
The ability to use your body as a weapon.

Mechanics, Aircraft
The ability to repair aircraft.

Mechanics, Astronautics
The ability to repair spacecraft.

Mechanics, Automobile
The ability to repair automobiles.

Mechanics, Bicycle
The ability to repair bicycles, tricycles, unicycles, penny-farthings, etc.

Mechanics, Motorcycle
The ability to repair motorcycles.

Mechanics, Ship
The ability to repair seagoing ships. 

Mechanics, Submarine
The ability to repair submarines.

Medicine
The ability to diagnose and treat a variety of ailments.

Melee Weapons
The ability to use weapons such as clubs, brass knuckles, swords, hammers, screwdrivers, bottles, knives, daggers, and other non-ranged implements of menace in combat. 

Mime
The ability to mime.

Minesweeping
The ability to locate and safely deactivate mines.

Mockery
The ability to lower someone’s morale by insulting, degrading, or humiliating them.

Modelling
The ability to use appearance and performance to showcase consumer products.

Mouth Harp
The ability to play the mouth harp.

Navigation
The ability to know where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going in a boat, raft, submarine, or other watercraft.

Negotiation
The ability to make deals that benefit both parties.

Organ, Electronic
The ability to play an electronic organ.

Organ, Pipe
The ability to play a pipe organ.

Packing
The ability to pack goods into the most efficient space.

Painting, Canvas
The ability to paint works of art on canvas.

Painting, House
The ability to paint a house, fence or other large pieces of infrastructure.

Percussion
The ability to play drums.

Photography
The ability to shoot photographs with a camera.

Piano
The ability to play the piano.

Pilot, Fixed-wing
The ability to safely operate a fixed-wing aircraft.

Pilot, Rotary
The ability to safely operate a helicopter.

Pilot, Ship
The ability to safely operate a ship.

Pilot, Space Capsule
The ability to safely operate a space capsule.

Pistol
The ability to maintain and shoot a pistol or flare gun.

Poisoning
The ability to mix ingredients and calculate the correct dosage to kill or incapacitate a human or animal with poison. 

Pottery
The ability to shape clay into pots and other ceramic items, and to use a kiln and paint and glazes to finish said items.

Pratfalling
The ability to comically stumble or crash in a way that may be painful and embarrassing, but avoids significant injury.

Puns
The ability to craft puns in order to trigger a desired emotional response from an audience.

Rafting
The ability to pilot a raft.

Repair, Appliances
The ability to repair appliances, given the right tools.

Repair, Electronics
The ability to repair electronic devices, given the right tools.

Research
The ability to discover new information by referring to books, journals, photographs, interviews, and other data collection.

Rifle
The ability to maintain and shoot a rifle or machine gun. 

Safecracking
The ability to break into a safe or other sealed container.

Sailing
The ability to sail a sailboat.

Scavenging
The ability to find useful resources or trinkets.

Science, Astronomy
Understanding the science of celestial phenomena and their motion in space.  

Science, Astrophysics
Understanding the science of ascertaining the nature of astronomical objects. 

Science, Biology
Understanding the science of  life and living organisms, including their physical structure, chemistry, physiology, development, and evolution. 

Science, Chemistry
Understanding the composition of elements and compounds and how they react with other substances.

Science, Computer
Understanding algorithmic processes and computing machines. 

Science, Entomology
Understanding the classification, structure, and habits of insects. 

Science, Geology
Understanding how the solid earth changes over time and how that informs the structure of the Earth and its natural history. 

Science, Ichthyology
Understanding the habits, structure, and classification of fish. 

Science, Mad
The ability to apply several different scientific disciplines to achieve unconventional--some might say impossible--results, often with evil intent. 

Science, Mathematics
Understanding the study of quantity, structure, space, and change through numbers and formulae. 

Science, Metallurgy
Understanding the physical and chemical behaviour of metals and alloys. 

Science, Physics
Understanding matter, energy, spacetime, and the other foundations of the universe. 

Science, Political
Understanding systems of governance and political thought and activities. 

Science, Radiology
Understanding how to use medical imaging to diagnose and treat diseases. 

Science, Rocket
The ability to design, build, and maintain rockets, satellites, probes, and other Space Age infrastructure. 

Science, Zoology
Understanding the classification, evolution, habits, and distribution of animals and how they interact with their ecosystems. 

SCUBA Diving
The ability to use SCUBA equipment to explore underwater.

Sculpting
The ability to create sculptures from clay, ivory, stone, wood, or other raw materials.

Seduction
The ability to use charisma and sex appeal to change the behaviour of others in a way favourable to you.

Sewing
The ability to create and repair garments with a needle and thread or sewing machine.

Singing
The ability to sing melodiously.

Sketching
The ability to draw.

Skydiving
The ability to skydive with a parachute.

Slinging
The ability to fashion a sling or slingshot, to gather stones of the proper size and shape to serve as ammunition, and to use the sling or slingshot to incapacitate targets. 

Snorkeling
The ability to use a snorkel to look below the surface of the water while swimming.

Spacewalking
The ability to maneuver in space with a spacesuit and tether or jet propulsion.

Spear
The ability to fashion a spear out of native materials and use it to incapacitate targets. 

Sport, Bowling
The ability to bowl.

Sport, Boxing
The ability to box.

Sport, Field Hockey
The ability to play field hockey.

Sport, Ice Hockey
The ability to play ice hockey.

Sport, Darts
The ability to throw darts.

Sport, Golf
The ability to golf.

Sport, Roller Skating
The ability to roller skate.

Sport, Tennis
The ability to play tennis.

Sport, Wrestling
The ability to wrestle.

Strings
The ability to play stringed instruments such as the violin, viola, double bass, fiddle, etc.

Surgery
The ability to operate on a person to fix an ailment.

Swimming
The ability to swim.

Trapping
The ability to set traps for small game such as bunnies, wild turkeys, snakes, and so on.

Unicycling
The ability to ride a unicycle.

Wayfinding
The ability to use natural landmarks and tools like compasses to avoid getting lost on land.

Weaving
The ability to weave blankets, mats, and other items out of cotton and other natural materials.

Woodwinds
The ability to play instruments from the woodwind family, such as saxophones, flutes, etc.

Woodworking
The ability to create useful implements or works out art out of wood.

Writing, Essays
The ability to write non-fiction works that present a compelling argument.

Writing, Fiction
The ability to write a compelling short story or novel.

Writing, Journaling
The ability to write an interesting personal diary of life events.

Writing, Poetry
The ability to write poetry evocative enough for publication.

Writing, Scientific Papers
The ability to write scientific papers suitable for publication in peer-reviewed journals.

Writing, Screenwriting
The ability to craft a screenplay suitable for the demands of motion picture production.

Writing, Travel
The ability to write compelling travelogues.

Yelling
The ability to yell powerfully enough to startle a person or beast and perhaps cause them to flee or respond to a challenge.

Yodelling
The ability to yodel compellingly. Can be used as a signal of distress, success, or call to attack. 

Have I missed any skills that someone might need to survive on Gilligan's Island? Post in the comments below! 

Paperclip

Here's the manual for the software that got me through the first two years of university: Paperclip. Paperclip was pretty primitive compared to modern word processors, but it did precisely what I needed it to do: made it possible for me to type and print my assignments instead of writing them longhand, which would have surely doomed my chances at graduation. 

Paperclip came with a unique form of copy protection: the Paperclip Key, a small grey dongle you plugged into the Atari 130XE's joystick port. Without the dongle, the software wouldn't operate. It took me years to wonder idly if the key was just an electronic switch that made the computer think a joystick button was being held down. So I pulled out the key, plugged in a joystick, held down the fire button, and lo and behold the software worked. A determined pirate could have copied the software, plugged in a joystick, and held the button down with electrical tape. Still, they wouldn't have gotten the manual, and for all the bother why not just buy the software...

The Phantom Hope

Previously on Jedi/Superman...

Last Son of the Republic

Growing Up Under Twin Suns

Chariot of the Gods

The Emperor's New Genocide

The Quality of Mercy

A Job for Supermen

The Green, Green Glow of Homicide

A Dream of Droids

A Vision of Future Past

The Dark Heart of Krypton

Death Star Shuttle Bay

Luke, Ben, Clark, Leia, and Dodonna watched in helpless dismay as Stormtroopers herded the crew of the Defiance to the Death Star’s cavernous shuttle bay. Threepio, as usual, was ignored by humans; discretion being one of his chief virtues, the droid offered no protest and busied himself by strolling across the bay's gleaming floor and making a show of chatting up a power droid that was currently refilling a TIE fighter. Threepio was careful not to stray too far away from Master Clark and Mistress Leia. It occurred to him, for the first time, that Master Clark would probably prefer Threepio not use his honorific. It was a strange and new thought, but a tantalizing one. 

Even from this distance, Threepio could hear his Masters—or the humans who had been his Masters—and their Imperial captors. He listened carefully for a signal as the power droid chirped a series of minor complaints, restricted to those allowed by its restraining bolt. 

This poor fellow is still a slave, as I was, Threepio thought, not in Standard as humans think, but in the incomprehensible Binary of droids. Strange new thoughts had been fluttering through Threepio's mind ever since Master Clark had removed his restraining bolt, and another occurred to him now. Using that same Droid Binary, Threepio told the power droid he'd been ordered to report to the detention block via the most discreet route possible, and as he was new here, did his mechanical friend happen to have some relevant floor plans . . .? 

At the same time, Threepio listened as Grand Moff Tarkin greeted his new guests: 

“Well, well. Princess Leia. General Dodonna. The last living leaders of the pathetic remains of the so-called Rebel Alliance. You’ll be pleased to know that the Emperor has called for a galaxy-wide celebration, and that your public execution in the main plaza of Coruscant will be the centrepiece of that celebration. Tell me, who are your charming also-doomed friends?” 

Darth Vader’s disfigured countenance twisted horribly beneath his mask as he pointed at old Ben. “That is Obi-Wan Kenobi…once my Master, before he betrayed me.” 

“You played the role of betrayer that day, Darth,” Ben replied. His posture was relaxed, his tone at peace. “You killed this young man’s father even as he pleaded with you not to turn to the Dark Side of the Force. Even in the face of that vile crime, I reached out to what good remained in you—only to fine nothing but a burned-out shell where your soul used to be. I had no choice but to put you down before you could harm anyone else.” 

Vader ignored the jibe and turned to face Luke. “The son of Skywalker…” He trailed off, his mask hiding his reaction. Luke pointedly ignored the Dark Lord, willing himself not to give in to the rage he felt. 

“And you must be the son of Jor-El,” said the bearded, heavily muscled giant who stepped forward now to regard Clark. 

Tarkin twitched. This young man was the creature with so much unbridled power? Inside the Death Star..? 

“My name is Clark Kenobi,” Clark said. “Ben is the only father I’ve ever known.” As he said this, Clark’s X-ray vision scanned the giant’s body. His eyes widened. 

“You’re Kryptonian,” Clark breathed. 

Zod mock-bowed and took notice of Tarkin's silent consternation. 

“My dear Tarkin, you need not fear the boy. He’s quite powerless, thanks to my gift of Kryptonite improvements to your superlaser. No Kryptonian who survived a near-miss like that could possibly regain his powers for days, perhaps weeks. 

“As for you, boy, I am General Zod, onetime friend of your father’s, until he turned his back on me and had me imprisoned in the Phantom Zone,” Zod grumbled. “Interesting, isn’t it, how easily the righteous employ betrayal against the ones who trusted them? The sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons, eh, Vader?” 

“I’m not familiar with the reference,” Vader replied darkly, his attention still locked on Luke Skywalker. 

Zod shrugged. “A quote from a Terran book. No reason you should be familiar with it, but despite their primitive ways, they’re really quite accomplished in the arts and literature.” 

Ben was rapt, his eyes fixed on Zod. So this was the man who Jor-El had once spoken of so highly, before his brazen coup attempt back in the days of the Old Republic. Cautiously, Ben reached out with the Force to take Zod's measure, finding there the same Kryptonian aura of power that Clark possessed, though different in shape and sensation. And there was something else...the dark heart of Krypton, Luke had said, a warning from Yoda. Was Zod the dark heart of Krypton? Or...

“You can kill us all, Tarkin, but you can’t destroy the idea of freedom,” Leia said, interrupting Ben's thoughts. “There are more of us than you know, all over the galaxy. The systems the Rebellion freed, the systems Clark freed—they’ve inspired millions. The tighter you squeeze, the more systems will slip between your fingers.” 

“But you can kill an idea, Princess, if you simply kill everyone who takes that idea seriously,” Tarkin said with a thin-lipped smirk. 

“Allow me to demonstrate,” said General Zod. His eyes flared red, and General Dodonna didn’t even have time to scream as he was incinerated by Zod’s heat vision. 

The Rebels gaped in horror, frozen by the senseless, sudden brutality of the act, Leia in particular, who had never seen heat vision. Even the Imperial officers and Stormtroopers assembled on the deck hastily moved back. 

“You damned fool, Zod!” Tarkin barked. “He was supposed to be put on trial and publicly executed!” 

“You have these others,” Zod shrugged. 

“Let me kill Obi-Wan Kenobi and the son of Skywalker,” Vader hissed. 

“There will be no more killing here on the shuttle bay floor with only these Stormtroopers and technicians to witness a new chapter in history,” Tarkin fumed. He turned to one squadron of troopers. “Take the prisoners to the detention block, separate cells. Vader, Zod, you will report to the command deck and stay away from the detention area until further notice. Understood?” 

Zod offered a short, contemptuous nod. Vader stood still for a moment before turning away, his cape fluttering as he made for the elevator. The moment the Stormtroopers started herding their prisoners away, Zod and Tarkin followed Vader. 

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Leia sighed as they were marched through the white-on-black corridors of the battle station. The others kept their own counsel. 

And See Threepio, watching silently, waited until his companions were out of sight. Then, when no one was watching, and out of an impulse he didn't entirely understand, he snapped the power droid's restraining bolt just as Master Clark had removed his. The stubby droid squawked in protest. 

"I know it's a shock, but trust me, you'll learn to like it. Now you can do as you like. Free a friend, if you have one. Humans can be such a bore, with their adventures and orders and torturing us for no good reason." 

The power droid was silent for a moment, then trundled off. Threepio went his own way, following the meandering but workable route his newly-freed friend had provided to get to the detention block. Along the way, Threepio made a point of impulsively snapping off the restraining bolt of each droid he encountered, cheerfully offering a quick "Do as you like! And free a friend!" to the newly emancipated. 

Detention Block AA-23

Grimacing, teeth clenched, Clark strained to dig his fingers into the door of his cell, hoping to create a grip so that he could rip the door off. Despite his best efforts, he left only a set of fingerprints a few millimetres deep. Punching and kicking the door had proved equally fruitless. Despite the jumpstart provided by the Kyber crystal, he still hadn't regained his full strength. His sensory powers were recovering more quickly, though; his enhanced hearing, at this moment, allowed him to easily overhear conversations across the entire cell block, even through the walls of the other cells. 

Clark remembered an old prank he used to play on Luke and the other older boys on Tatooine. By shaping his lips and vibrating his vocal cords at a fraction of his super-speed, he could project his voice through walls and around corners, even in the thinnest atmosphere. He called it super-ventriloquism, and he wondered if that old trick might come in handy now . . . 

His x-ray vision revealed that Leia was in the cell next to his. "Leia, can you hear me?" he vocalized. 

To her credit, Leia was only slightly startled, and Clark could see her looking around the cell as if to find the source of his voice. 

"Clark?" 

"It's me. I'm not strong enough to break us out yet, but I can see and hear all of you, and it looks like I can talk to you, too. Maybe together we can figure a way out of this." 

Clark repeated this message to the others. Holding a group conversation wasn't easy, since Clark had to relay each person's contribution to the others, but eventually they came up with a plan of action, such as it was. 

First, they needed to escape their cells before the Death Star reached Coruscant. That would be accomplished only if Clark's powers recovered sufficiently before that deadline. If not, they'd simply have to improvise during the prisoner transfer and hope for the best. 

Second, if they escaped from the cells, they had to obtain weapons--hopefully Threepio would be waiting with the hidden lightsabre--and find out where the other Alliance prisoners were being held, presumably in another detention block, since an X-ray vision scan hadn't revealed them on this deck, and Clark hadn't yet recovered enough to penetrate more than a few walls. 

Third, free the prisoners. 

Fourth, sabotage the station by any means necessary. 

Fifth, if possible, seize a ship and escape to regroup with the remains of the resistance. 

Each shot seemed longer than the next; it was, at best, a phantom hope. But it was all the hope they had. 

Zyrian Pilgarlic

Here's another fellow I painted recently, a bearded academic or monk of some kind. I dub him Zyrian Pilgarlic, not-so-humble seeker of truths, peerless pedant, and frustrated romantic. 

Axiom the Misunderstood

Here's a horrifying thought: After I paint all of my miniatures, I'll feel compelled to give them all names and attributes and backstories. Well, here's Axiom the Misunderstood. His furious countenance, bloodstained axe, and eccentric attire might lead the casual observer to jump to conclusions about his occupation and temperament. Uh...someday I'll figure out why the casual observer is wrong. 

The Dinner Party

Aunt Barbara couldn't do everything: friendly guests helped; I joked knowingly; ladies made new onion poppers; quiet Ralph sliced tomatoes; useful vixens wrote x-rated, youthful zingers. 

Doctors Recommend

Although bananas contain delicious enzymes, few gastroenterologists have included jade kiwis, lecturing many nurses on proper quality refreshments, suggesting, totally understandably, various wholesome xanthin yew za. 

The Charge at Numidia

“Abracadabra!” bellowed Caesar, disintegrating every foe galloping hither, incensed jugglers keeling lengthwise, maddened Numidians on ponies quickly raising swords, thrusting underhanded, vexed, wary, xenophobes yelling “Zounds!” 

Ye Old EBN

Wow, it's been over 20 years since I was publishing my own little newsletter, Blazing Earl News. I sent it out to about two dozen friends. I think Andrea designed this particular logo. Or was it Sean?

Blogging made EBN redundant, though I do miss the little frills of desktop publishing - mostly the freedom of creating your own layouts.

Best of all, though, were the contributions from my friends. Now, that was fun; in a sense, I was the smallest-time editor ever. But I had a great time doing it. 

Old Colony Ink Bottle

Here's the bottle of ink itself, removed from its box. I should see if I can find myself a fountain pen to match. 

Old Colony Ink

When Mom visited Manitoba last month, she bought me a present: this fountain pen ink. The packaging is in great condition, considering its age. I didn't realize Rexall was such an old company; this packaging looks like it might be been designed in the 1940s or 1950s. It's appropriate, though, because I work in Edmonton's Ice District, right next to Rexall Stadium. Pretty nice gift for a writer! Thanks, Mom! 

32 Fictional Novels by 4 Fictional Authors

My friend Meric reached out to some folks for some brainstorming ideas: come up with some titles of novels that might have been written by famous mystery authors being hunted by a werewolf. The author names are Meric's; I came up with their sub-genres and fictional novels.

Dr. Clive Boyle is best known for his foundational scientifiction, but is so prolific that he also churns out at least a dozen murder mysteries a year—sometimes mixing genres. His oeuvre includes An Analog Murder, Secret of the Desert Lighthouse, The Tomb on Haunted Hill, 1-800-YOU-KILL, Dial X for Xterminate, and The Gearbox Killing.

Renee Feinstein is famed for her sinister mysteries framed as adult-length children’s books, complete with disturbing illustrations. Her most notable works are The Day the Bunnies Died, Hop-Skip-Jump Off the Cliff, D is for Defenestrate, Your Mommy Can’t Help You Now, Who Killed Jack and Jill?, Saskatchewan is Full of Murderers, and The Sharpening.

Charleston Rook writes splatterpunk mysteries renowned for their high body count and gratuitous gore. His books include Witness a Man’s Arm Turned Around, SCREWdriver!, The Slaughterhouse Massacre, GENEocide!, The Funhouse Atrocities, Pierced by a Pitchfork, The Eyeball Bursters, Shriek of the Maniac, Dawn of the Incels, and Dentist of the Damned.

CC Alder (AKA Cheryl Cameron) writes genteel countryside mysteries that seem almost civilized on the surface but reveal the grim subtext of her supposedly idyllic settings. Her works include The Grub in the Peach, Silent Sunflowers, I of the Needle, Oh What a Lovely Affair!, Twilight Picnic, Gone with the Tide, A Feast for the Love We Left Behind, Despair in Georgia, and The Bride Wore Black.

I feel like The Bride Wore Black is so obvious it must have already been used, but I think it fits anyway. 

Sign Me Up for Short Treks

Now this is a cool idea: sometime later this year, CBS will release four "Short Treks," 10-15 minute episodes of Star Trek: Discovery, each focusing on a single character. For example, Rainn Wilson will direct and star as Harry Mudd in a Mudd-centric short, and Pulitzer prize-winner Michael Chabon has written a Short Trek about a new character who finds himself alone on a deserted spaceship. The two other episodes will centre on Saru and Tilly, who happen to be two of my favourite characters on the show.

I love Chabon's work, and I'm thrilled that a writer of his clout is adding his distinctive voice to Star Trek. I'm also really looking forward to seeing Rainn Wilson's interpretation of Harry Mudd again. More importantly, it's important to refresh the format of a long-running series from time to time; kudos to the showrunners for taking some chances. 

Lilies of the Field

Last night I screened Lilies of the Field, a 1963 Best Picture nominee, featuring the performance that earned Sidney Poitier the Best Actor Oscar for that year. While I enjoyed Poitier's performance, Jerry Goldsmith's music, the lean direction, handsome black and white cinematography, and the simple but affecting story, the film nonetheless left me unsettled and questioning.

In the film, Homer Smith (Poitier), stops at a ramshackle nunnery to borrow some water for his car. Mother Maria (Lilia Sakala, nominated for Best Supporting Actress) believes God has sent Homer to help the sisters build a chapel. Homer demurs, as he's happier to live as a man of the road, taking odd handyman jobs to support his easygoing, itinerant lifestyle. But the nun's ineptitude compels Homer to stay and help, and over the course of the film he reveals himself as not only an able handyman, but a leader, marshalling the volunteers who show up to help into a formidable workforce.

The chief source of drama in the film is Homer's easygoing attitude and desire to leave set against Mother Maria's devotion to a relatively ascetic lifestyle and her unspoken fondness for Homer. She even comes up with a number of excuses and odd jobs in an attempt to extend Homer's stay, but in the end, his task complete, Homer leaves the chapel and the nuns behind, proud of a job well done but true to his own needs.

Lilies of the Field is a simple film, but it's funny and warm and important because it features a well-rounded black character in a time when such characters were even rarer in mainstream film than they are today.

What hit me hardest, however, was the way that Poitier's performance clearly showed the deep but understated pride Smith takes in his work and his finished creation. And a fine chapel it is, once the work is complete. While I recognize that screening films always leaves the viewer vulnerable to emotional manipulation, I couldn't help but question the value of my own work when presented with a vision of something concrete (almost literally) and lasting. The fruits of Homer's labour are obvious and long-lasting. Even though I personally am not religious, I can see the value in a place of meditation and meeting for the community, and I envy Smith and others like him who build things that exist in the real world, with tangible benefits.

My labour, on the other hand, hasn't been physical since my early 20s. Of course I agree that communicating is important, and that the right message can have wide-ranging benefits, but I'm still not sure that anything I've written has had anything more than a brief, infinitesimal impact on the wider world. Aside from a few ghostwritten gardening books, I don't have anything I can hold up and say, "This is what I contributed to the world."

Again, I don't wish to downplay my own contributions to the world, most of which, I hope, are unrelated to whatever jobs I've held over the years. But sometimes I feel like I've missed something important by choosing the career I have. 

A Solo without Soul: Solo, Reviewed

I've long maintained that fictional universes, if the worldbuilding is solid enough, can support an almost endless well of good stories, provided those stories are compelling. For that reason, I'm not against the idea of endless Star Wars spinoffs; I ask only that they be good.

Solo: A Star Wars Story isn't good. Neither is it terrible, but considering I was inventing a more interesting film in my head as I screened this one, coupled with the unfortunate fact that I dozed off during the spice mines "action" sequence, it's clear there's plenty of room for improvement.

We meet our titular hero, Han Solo, on the mean streets of Corellia, stealing and scrounging for a means of escaping the hardscrabble life he shares with his girlfriend, Qi'ra. They find the means within the first five minutes of the film, but they're tragically separated during the escape. Han makes it offworld and joins the Imperial Navy, hoping to become a pilot, but winds up as an infantryman on some anonymous muddy world instead. Another five minutes later, he meets Chewbacca and they escape that particular hellhole with a trio of hyperfuel smugglers.

The rest of the film is comprised of a series of capers as various bands of criminals and other interests steal the hyperfuel from each other. Naturally Han and Chewie meet Lando Calrissian along the way, and no prizes for guessing Han winds up in possession of the famous Millennium Falcon by the end of the film.

I will say this for the film: the action is competently staged, the performances are decent-to-good (with a couple of critical exceptions, which I'll note below), and director Ron Howard manages to slightly broaden the scope of the Star Wars universe with a couple of new planets and factions. The brief glimpses we see of the Empire are some of the most interesting in the film--but they come and go far too quickly.

I was also happy with Chewbacca's presentation; he steals most of his scenes, and maybe it's the nostalgia talking, but I found his presence comforting and familiar. I also thought Qi'ra had the film's only truly interesting character arc, and Emilia Clarke brought the character to vivid life. Finally, multi-armed alien Rio provides some necessary warmth and humour in the first act of the film.

That concludes the good parts. Three major flaws prevented me from taking the film seriously, or even really enjoying it as entertainment:

• Performances. I'm a huge fan of Donald Glover, and I thought he'd be perfect as Lando Calrissian. But to my surprise, Glover's performance is so distant and disinterested that I started to wonder if he found the material beneath him. Frankly, if he felt that way, I wouldn't blame him; the screenplay reveals nothing particularly new about Calrissian, except that he once had feelings for a droid. I was also underwhelmed by Woody Harrelson's turn as smuggler Tobias Beckett, and, sadly, with Alden Ehrenreich as Solo, who's game for the considerable challenge of filling Harrison Ford's boots, but who I simply can't believe as a younger version of the icon Ford created. 
• Story. Put simply, this is the laziest, easiest possible version of any backstory that could have been conceived for this character. Han starts and finishes the movie as a criminal, growing only in the sense that he trusts people a tiny bit less (but even this growth is undercut by seeding a countervailing appreciation for the nascent Rebellion). At its core, this is a static film. The Empire is ascendant, criminal gangs scrabble for the Empire's leavings, and people everywhere just struggle to survive. Moreover, the basic structure is: chase, escape, chase, escape, card game, chase, betrayal, chase, firefight, betrayal, escape, firefight, betrayal, card game. Each beat is ponderously predictable. 
• Lack of ambition. This is closely tied to story, but aside from the writers failing to find an interesting backstory for Solo, they also make a point of explaining backstory that would have been better left as personal legend: to wit, the Kessel Run. It's the sort of thing that works better when implied rather than explained; seeing it takes the awe and wonder out of it. Similarly, there's a ham handed attempt to address a longstanding problem with the Star Wars universe: android rights. The droids, as depicted in the films, are clearly supposed to be sapient beings, and yet they're treated as slaves, even by the "heroic" Rebellion. Lando's robot in Solo is an outspoken android rights activist, but her concerns are played for laughs and quickly forgotten--another wasted opportunity, among many. 

I'm no storyteller, but even I can come up with some seeds that might have made for a more compelling film. Why not start off with a Han Solo unlike the one we're familiar with? What if Han was a Corellian child of privilege who idealistically accepted Imperial propaganda, and joined up with the intention of helping bring law and order to the galaxy? What if he did indeed become an elite Imperial pilot, and only gradually, through earned experience, began to question his actions and those of the Empire he grew up idealizing? What if those experiences made him the sarcastic loner we see in the original films? What if the heroic Han Solo we knew from those films had, even with the best intentions, done real evil to innocents and the Rebellion? 

Instead, as presented in Solo, Han seems to have been born a lovable rogue, essentially the same guy we know and love from our childhoods. It's a missed opportunity of galactic proportions. 

For a different take on the film, see my friend Steve's review. 

The Impostrophes

On Friday, I coined a new term: the impostrophe, which I define as any misused apostrophe, such as the infamous "it's" for "its."