As men and women are wont to do, Sylvia and I were discussing male/female stereotypes today, one of them being the supposed unwillingness of men to display their emotions. I tossed off a line I quite like:
"Just because you feel love for someone doesn't mean you have to express it!"
I got a pretty good dirty look for that one. Hee hee.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Happy Birthday Superman!
Yes, it's February 29th, Leap Day, and according to tradition, Superman's birthday. Ever wonder why Superman still looks so young, even though he was created in 1938? Because he only ages on Leap Day.
In other birthday news, my 35th was on the 25th, and my incredibly generous girlfriend decided that my present will be a trip to Cuba...or Mexico, she hasn't decided yet.
All I can say is, Great Krypton!
In other birthday news, my 35th was on the 25th, and my incredibly generous girlfriend decided that my present will be a trip to Cuba...or Mexico, she hasn't decided yet.
All I can say is, Great Krypton!
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Icing the Angel Cake
Well, my favourite show, Angel, is being cancelled. But at least I can enjoy quality episodes like "Smile Time" until that bitter day in May...
"I do not have puppet cancer!"
"See, my nose comes off."
"I'm gonna send your puppet ass back to Hell!"
Hee hee hee. (giggle)
"I do not have puppet cancer!"
"See, my nose comes off."
"I'm gonna send your puppet ass back to Hell!"
Hee hee hee. (giggle)
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Revising a Pseudo-Classic: The New Battlestar Galactica
The original Battlestar Galactica was a show with many faults, including uneven acting, gaping plot holes, and laughable science.
But the show had its merits, too, chiefly its premise, a science-fiction take on the old story of the Jewish Exodus, with a liberal dose of Erich Von Daniken's screwy "Ancient Astronauts" pop-mythology of the seventies. A thriving civilization is betrayed and ambushed by a terrifying enemy, and the devastated survivors are left with no choice but to flee, led by a visionary prophet (Adama) to some far-off promised land (Earth).
Having just re-watched the entire original series on DVD, I am more aware than ever of the grand potential of the show, a potential that never came close to being realized. There certainly were a number of good episodes, notably the original three-part pilot (much better than the whittled-down movie version most of us probably remember), "The Living Legend," in which the Galactica encounters another Battlestar, "The Gun on Ice Planet Zero," "War of the Gods," and the final episode, "The Hand of God."
The friendship between pilots Apollo (Richard Hatch), Starbuck (Dirk Benedict), and Boomer (Herb Jefferson, Jr.) is nicely developed, and I've been forced to reevaluate Dirk Benedict's skills; he clearly has a lot of charisma, great comic timing, and a better emotional range than I once gave him credit for. Herb Jefferson deserves a lot of credit, too; his Boomer is eminently likeable, and believable as a no-nonsense, if somewhat resigned, Viper pilot. Richard Hatch is a little wooden at times, but he certainly portrays Apollo's love for Serena and Boxey convincingly, and the depth of his grief (after the loss of his younger brother, and later Serena) is well-acted.
But while the show's creators were working hard to develop a larger mythology for Battlestar Galactica, their efforts were undercut by far too many "planet of the week" episodes, in which either Apollo or Starbuck crashed on some lost colony or other, which usually had a Wild West or medieval theme, almost certainly to make use of existing Universal sets and props. Episodes such as "The Young Lords," "The Magnificent Warriors," "Fire in Space," and "Greetings from Earth" are either ridiculous or mind-numbingly dull, and have done much to diminish this series' reputation. Maren Jensen's overwrought turn as Athena doesn't help, nor does the obnoxious robot dog, Muffit II. And the short-lived but disastrous follow-up series, Galactica 1980, with its flying motorcycles and tired "fish out of water" jokes, seemed certain to completely destroy any hope of redemption for the series.
The new version of Battlestar Galactica, then, comes as a pleasant surprise. While by no means perfect, it is certainly intriguing, and well worth a look for anyone who enjoyed Space: Above and Beyond, whose storytelling ethos it seems to most closely resemble.
In this retelling of the myth, the Cylons were not created by lizard-like aliens, but humans themselves, and some forty years before the events of the series, the Cylons turned on their human creators. (Obviously the Colonials hadn't been exposed to Earth fiction that could have warned them of this possibility, such as Demon Seed, Colossus, or the aforementioned Space: Above and Beyond.) The humans won the war, the Cylons retreated, and an uneasy peace was born. But as the series opens, the Cylons launch a sneak attack, using electronic counter-measures to disable almost all of the Colonial defences and lay waste to the twelve worlds of humanity. Even worse, there's a new model of Cylon, indistinguishable from human beings, and possessing incredible depths of passion and righteous anger. One of these Cylons, played by Edmontonian beauty Tricia Helfer, dupes one of the Colonies' leading scientists, Dr. Gaius Baltar, into handing over access to vital defence facilities. This time, Baltar isn't a diabolical traitor, but a selfish and arrogant fool, one so wrapped up in his own genius that he forgets his obligations to his fellow humans. Whether he'll grow up at some point in the series is an open question.
Of course, there's one ship that survives the initial assault: the Galactica, an old, worn-out hulk that's immune to the ECM weapons because her ancient technology isn't sophisticated enough to be vulnerable to such attacks. While the ship is full of computers, they aren't networked, and information is relayed from deck to deck by old-style telephone headsets and computer printouts. Very retro, and quite cool.
As the colonies burn - an event that is chillingly portrayed, and quite believable - the Galactica retreats to a human weapons depot, having no ammunition because of her imminent decommission. Meanwhile, human survivors are fleeing in whatever ships they can find, some with FTL drive, some without, which leads to a heartbreaking - and shocking - decision by the new Colonial President, formerly the Minister of Education, a woman so far down the line of succession she could never have dreamed of wielding such power.
In the original series, military authority was infallible, and the civilian Council of the Twelve was filled with buffoons. Thankfully, this time around there's a bit more balance; the civilian President and Commander Adama each have very difficult decisions to make, and they make them pragmatically. By the show's end, it's clear that while these two characters may butt heads, they share mutual respect, something quite lacking in the original show.
The new Apollo is pretty dry, but the new Starbuck - this time a woman - is delightful. Boomer, too, is a woman this time around, one with a shocking secret that promises to provide plenty of dramatic tension if the miniseries is turned into an ongoing series.
I also liked the focus on "lower decks" characters, the maintenance crews who make the hotshot antics of the pilots possible.
The special effects are as excellent as one expects these days, and the re-imagined starships are quite ingenious, particularly the living Cylon raiders. The FTL effect is pretty nifty, and the landing bays need to retract before the ship jumps, giving the Viper pilots plenty of incentive to get aboard before the train leaves the station, as it were.
In the final analysis, this new incarnation of Battlestar Galactica has as much or more potential as the original, and thus far much more of that potential has been realized. I hope that the show is picked up - it promises to be more entertaining, at least, than the current Star Trek series, Enterprise.
Much more.
But the show had its merits, too, chiefly its premise, a science-fiction take on the old story of the Jewish Exodus, with a liberal dose of Erich Von Daniken's screwy "Ancient Astronauts" pop-mythology of the seventies. A thriving civilization is betrayed and ambushed by a terrifying enemy, and the devastated survivors are left with no choice but to flee, led by a visionary prophet (Adama) to some far-off promised land (Earth).
Having just re-watched the entire original series on DVD, I am more aware than ever of the grand potential of the show, a potential that never came close to being realized. There certainly were a number of good episodes, notably the original three-part pilot (much better than the whittled-down movie version most of us probably remember), "The Living Legend," in which the Galactica encounters another Battlestar, "The Gun on Ice Planet Zero," "War of the Gods," and the final episode, "The Hand of God."
The friendship between pilots Apollo (Richard Hatch), Starbuck (Dirk Benedict), and Boomer (Herb Jefferson, Jr.) is nicely developed, and I've been forced to reevaluate Dirk Benedict's skills; he clearly has a lot of charisma, great comic timing, and a better emotional range than I once gave him credit for. Herb Jefferson deserves a lot of credit, too; his Boomer is eminently likeable, and believable as a no-nonsense, if somewhat resigned, Viper pilot. Richard Hatch is a little wooden at times, but he certainly portrays Apollo's love for Serena and Boxey convincingly, and the depth of his grief (after the loss of his younger brother, and later Serena) is well-acted.
But while the show's creators were working hard to develop a larger mythology for Battlestar Galactica, their efforts were undercut by far too many "planet of the week" episodes, in which either Apollo or Starbuck crashed on some lost colony or other, which usually had a Wild West or medieval theme, almost certainly to make use of existing Universal sets and props. Episodes such as "The Young Lords," "The Magnificent Warriors," "Fire in Space," and "Greetings from Earth" are either ridiculous or mind-numbingly dull, and have done much to diminish this series' reputation. Maren Jensen's overwrought turn as Athena doesn't help, nor does the obnoxious robot dog, Muffit II. And the short-lived but disastrous follow-up series, Galactica 1980, with its flying motorcycles and tired "fish out of water" jokes, seemed certain to completely destroy any hope of redemption for the series.
The new version of Battlestar Galactica, then, comes as a pleasant surprise. While by no means perfect, it is certainly intriguing, and well worth a look for anyone who enjoyed Space: Above and Beyond, whose storytelling ethos it seems to most closely resemble.
In this retelling of the myth, the Cylons were not created by lizard-like aliens, but humans themselves, and some forty years before the events of the series, the Cylons turned on their human creators. (Obviously the Colonials hadn't been exposed to Earth fiction that could have warned them of this possibility, such as Demon Seed, Colossus, or the aforementioned Space: Above and Beyond.) The humans won the war, the Cylons retreated, and an uneasy peace was born. But as the series opens, the Cylons launch a sneak attack, using electronic counter-measures to disable almost all of the Colonial defences and lay waste to the twelve worlds of humanity. Even worse, there's a new model of Cylon, indistinguishable from human beings, and possessing incredible depths of passion and righteous anger. One of these Cylons, played by Edmontonian beauty Tricia Helfer, dupes one of the Colonies' leading scientists, Dr. Gaius Baltar, into handing over access to vital defence facilities. This time, Baltar isn't a diabolical traitor, but a selfish and arrogant fool, one so wrapped up in his own genius that he forgets his obligations to his fellow humans. Whether he'll grow up at some point in the series is an open question.
Of course, there's one ship that survives the initial assault: the Galactica, an old, worn-out hulk that's immune to the ECM weapons because her ancient technology isn't sophisticated enough to be vulnerable to such attacks. While the ship is full of computers, they aren't networked, and information is relayed from deck to deck by old-style telephone headsets and computer printouts. Very retro, and quite cool.
As the colonies burn - an event that is chillingly portrayed, and quite believable - the Galactica retreats to a human weapons depot, having no ammunition because of her imminent decommission. Meanwhile, human survivors are fleeing in whatever ships they can find, some with FTL drive, some without, which leads to a heartbreaking - and shocking - decision by the new Colonial President, formerly the Minister of Education, a woman so far down the line of succession she could never have dreamed of wielding such power.
In the original series, military authority was infallible, and the civilian Council of the Twelve was filled with buffoons. Thankfully, this time around there's a bit more balance; the civilian President and Commander Adama each have very difficult decisions to make, and they make them pragmatically. By the show's end, it's clear that while these two characters may butt heads, they share mutual respect, something quite lacking in the original show.
The new Apollo is pretty dry, but the new Starbuck - this time a woman - is delightful. Boomer, too, is a woman this time around, one with a shocking secret that promises to provide plenty of dramatic tension if the miniseries is turned into an ongoing series.
I also liked the focus on "lower decks" characters, the maintenance crews who make the hotshot antics of the pilots possible.
The special effects are as excellent as one expects these days, and the re-imagined starships are quite ingenious, particularly the living Cylon raiders. The FTL effect is pretty nifty, and the landing bays need to retract before the ship jumps, giving the Viper pilots plenty of incentive to get aboard before the train leaves the station, as it were.
In the final analysis, this new incarnation of Battlestar Galactica has as much or more potential as the original, and thus far much more of that potential has been realized. I hope that the show is picked up - it promises to be more entertaining, at least, than the current Star Trek series, Enterprise.
Much more.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Ballad of the Canadian Gunfighter
Today's Experiment
Just for a lark, I thought I'd try to compose a country ballad, one like Marty Robbins used to sing, or Jim Reeves, or one of those other old guys I discovered via my parents' 8-tracks. Here it is...
Ballad of the Canadian Gunfighter
Long ago in this great nation
Came a girl with hair of red
She had no true relations
All her brethren were long dead
She was raised by Yukon Mounties
She was raised by loving nuns
But she was truly sired by
Her dead father’s six-guns
They say her blood ran red
Not with iron but with lead
They say she grew up cold
They say she was born old
At the tender age of twelve
She brought her first man down
She shot him through his black heart
And so doing, saved the town
By the time she reached sixteen
Her legend had grown tall
She was known from Nome Alaska
To the outskirts of The Pas
Then at the age of twenty
She med a lad named Jim
But he was a man of peace
So she left her guns for him
But a blackguard named Dakota
Came up from Tennessee
And he drilled a hole through Jim
Laid him low with a cruel grin
That villain named Dakota
Knew not to stick around
So he leapt onto his horse
Left Jim bleeding on the ground
When the girl saw her man
Lying dying in the street
Her wrath was something beautiful
Something deadly, something sweet
She came down from Dawson City
Rode the trail through Yellowknife
And she shot her way through Flin Flon
With rage sharper than a knife
She rode south through Winnipeg
She rode south through Yellowstone
She rode south until she reached the place
That Dakota called home
She cornered him in Tombstone
And gave him one chance to explain
She asked him why he’d killed poor Jim
And this was his refrain:
“I killed him for a lark
I killed him just for fun
But most of all I killed him
Because I longed to meet your guns.”
And so the redhead nodded
And they walked into the street
A girl with red hair blazing
In the deadly desert heat
Dakota drew his six-guns
Or imagined he did so;
But before his hands touched leather
Her bullets laid him low
She knelt before the bloody form
Of the man who killed her man
She laid her guns down on his chest
And then she walked into the West
She never crossed the border
To come back North and home
And legend tells that she still walks
Through the borderlands alone
She’s long forgotten Jim
But she can still remember
How her life was briefly touched
By a love both sweet and tender
They say that up in Canada there are no legends worth the tale
But that’s because we keep them close to home, behind the veil
There are stories to be told, but our Canuck blood runs cold
Runs cold and deep and sharp and sweet
Like the blood of heroines bold…
Just for a lark, I thought I'd try to compose a country ballad, one like Marty Robbins used to sing, or Jim Reeves, or one of those other old guys I discovered via my parents' 8-tracks. Here it is...
Ballad of the Canadian Gunfighter
Long ago in this great nation
Came a girl with hair of red
She had no true relations
All her brethren were long dead
She was raised by Yukon Mounties
She was raised by loving nuns
But she was truly sired by
Her dead father’s six-guns
They say her blood ran red
Not with iron but with lead
They say she grew up cold
They say she was born old
At the tender age of twelve
She brought her first man down
She shot him through his black heart
And so doing, saved the town
By the time she reached sixteen
Her legend had grown tall
She was known from Nome Alaska
To the outskirts of The Pas
Then at the age of twenty
She med a lad named Jim
But he was a man of peace
So she left her guns for him
But a blackguard named Dakota
Came up from Tennessee
And he drilled a hole through Jim
Laid him low with a cruel grin
That villain named Dakota
Knew not to stick around
So he leapt onto his horse
Left Jim bleeding on the ground
When the girl saw her man
Lying dying in the street
Her wrath was something beautiful
Something deadly, something sweet
She came down from Dawson City
Rode the trail through Yellowknife
And she shot her way through Flin Flon
With rage sharper than a knife
She rode south through Winnipeg
She rode south through Yellowstone
She rode south until she reached the place
That Dakota called home
She cornered him in Tombstone
And gave him one chance to explain
She asked him why he’d killed poor Jim
And this was his refrain:
“I killed him for a lark
I killed him just for fun
But most of all I killed him
Because I longed to meet your guns.”
And so the redhead nodded
And they walked into the street
A girl with red hair blazing
In the deadly desert heat
Dakota drew his six-guns
Or imagined he did so;
But before his hands touched leather
Her bullets laid him low
She knelt before the bloody form
Of the man who killed her man
She laid her guns down on his chest
And then she walked into the West
She never crossed the border
To come back North and home
And legend tells that she still walks
Through the borderlands alone
She’s long forgotten Jim
But she can still remember
How her life was briefly touched
By a love both sweet and tender
They say that up in Canada there are no legends worth the tale
But that’s because we keep them close to home, behind the veil
There are stories to be told, but our Canuck blood runs cold
Runs cold and deep and sharp and sweet
Like the blood of heroines bold…
Monday, January 05, 2004
The Age of Asparagus
To the tune of "The Age of Aquarius"
When the soil
Is warm enough to work
And gardeners
All do the herky-jerk
Then will
The time be on us
The time—
To plant the crowns!
This is the dawning of the age of asparagus
The age of asparagus
Asparagus
Asparagus
Don't forget that they're perennials
Stick them in a spot that's nice
They're not just for California
In Alberta they'll do fine
Tasty spears with juice like wine
Kill all weeds and you will dine on
Asparagus
Asparagus!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
Let spears grow tall!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
The spears grow tall!
Placement in the garden's crucial
Pick a spot that's nice and warm
Keep away from all perennials
Plant it early, like in March
Water it so it's not parched
It tastes like sugar not like starch
Asparagus!
Asparagus!
When the soil
Is warm enough to work
And gardeners
All do the herky-jerk
Then will
The time be on us
The time—
To plant the crowns!
This is the dawning of the age of asparagus
The age of asparagus
Asparagus
Asparagus
Don't forget that they're perennials
Stick them in a spot that's nice
They're not just for California
In Alberta they'll do fine
Tasty spears with juice like wine
Kill all weeds and you will dine on
Asparagus
Asparagus!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
Let spears grow tall!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
The spears grow tall!
Placement in the garden's crucial
Pick a spot that's nice and warm
Keep away from all perennials
Plant it early, like in March
Water it so it's not parched
It tastes like sugar not like starch
Asparagus!
Asparagus!
The Age of Asparagus
(To the tune of "The Age of Aquarius")
When the soil
Is warm enough to work
And gardeners
All do the herky-jerk
Then will
The time be on us
The time—
To plant the crowns!
This is the dawning of the age of asparagus
The age of asparagus
Asparagus
Asparagus
Don't forget that they're perennials
Stick them in a spot that's nice
They're not just for California
In Alberta they'll do fine
Tasty spears with juice like wine
Kill all weeds and you will dine on
Asparagus
Asparagus!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
Let spears grow tall!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
The spears grow tall!
Placement in the garden's crucial
Pick a spot that's nice and warm
Keep away from all perennials
Plant it early, like in March
Water it so it's not parched
It tastes like sugar not like starch
Asparagus!
Asparagus!
When the soil
Is warm enough to work
And gardeners
All do the herky-jerk
Then will
The time be on us
The time—
To plant the crowns!
This is the dawning of the age of asparagus
The age of asparagus
Asparagus
Asparagus
Don't forget that they're perennials
Stick them in a spot that's nice
They're not just for California
In Alberta they'll do fine
Tasty spears with juice like wine
Kill all weeds and you will dine on
Asparagus
Asparagus!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
Let spears grow tall!
Let the spears grow!
Let the spears grow!
The spears grow tall!
Placement in the garden's crucial
Pick a spot that's nice and warm
Keep away from all perennials
Plant it early, like in March
Water it so it's not parched
It tastes like sugar not like starch
Asparagus!
Asparagus!
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
High Stakes Puns
Last night Sylvia and I cooked steak and potatoes for supper. Before putting the steaks into the oven, I held them at arm's length above my head and looked at her. She stared back blankly for a moment, and I said, "Looks like the steaks are pretty high!"
Get it? "Steaks are high?" I.e., "stakes are high?" Nyuck nyuck...
Anyway, she only rolled her eyes, then sighed and nodded as if resigned to some horrible fate. But one day, she and the world will recognize my comic genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-O :-O
Get it? "Steaks are high?" I.e., "stakes are high?" Nyuck nyuck...
Anyway, she only rolled her eyes, then sighed and nodded as if resigned to some horrible fate. But one day, she and the world will recognize my comic genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-O :-O
Monday, December 15, 2003
Movies I'd Like to See
Somewhere on my hard drive, I have a half-finished story called Radar Women of Mars. I think it would make a pretty good (well, by certain definitions of the word "good") movie, and I so I've imagined a solar system in which many of the celestial bodies are inhabited (or ruled) by women...sexy women.
Each heavenly body (heh, heh) gets her own movie:
Fire Foxes of Sol
Meteor Matriarchs of Mercury
Vampire Vixens of Venus
Saber Wenches of Terra
Laser Libertines of Luna
Radar Women of Mars
Savage She-Cats of Phobos
Photon Damsels of Deimos
Avenging Angels of the Asteroid Belt
Fighting Females of Jupiter
Kung-Fu Hellcats of Callisto
Blaster Bombshells of Europa
Gas Girls of Ganymede
Radioactive Sirens of Io
Saucer Sisters of Saturn
Rocket Lasses of Titan
Dagger Débutantes of Uranus
Amazon Mermaids of Neptune
Sonar Princesses of Triton
Pulchitrudinous Ice Maidens of Pluto
Chopper Chicks of Charon
Cannibal Cavegirls of the Kuiper Belt
Of course, for every cheesy, sexist b-picture parody, there should be a matching film that mocks/celebrates male stereotypes. How about...
Beefcake Boors of Beta 9
Hover Hunks of Hyperion
Nervous Nerds of Neptune
Gamma Geeks of Ganymede
Each heavenly body (heh, heh) gets her own movie:
Fire Foxes of Sol
Meteor Matriarchs of Mercury
Vampire Vixens of Venus
Saber Wenches of Terra
Laser Libertines of Luna
Radar Women of Mars
Savage She-Cats of Phobos
Photon Damsels of Deimos
Avenging Angels of the Asteroid Belt
Fighting Females of Jupiter
Kung-Fu Hellcats of Callisto
Blaster Bombshells of Europa
Gas Girls of Ganymede
Radioactive Sirens of Io
Saucer Sisters of Saturn
Rocket Lasses of Titan
Dagger Débutantes of Uranus
Amazon Mermaids of Neptune
Sonar Princesses of Triton
Pulchitrudinous Ice Maidens of Pluto
Chopper Chicks of Charon
Cannibal Cavegirls of the Kuiper Belt
Of course, for every cheesy, sexist b-picture parody, there should be a matching film that mocks/celebrates male stereotypes. How about...
Beefcake Boors of Beta 9
Hover Hunks of Hyperion
Nervous Nerds of Neptune
Gamma Geeks of Ganymede
Thursday, December 11, 2003
As Heard on TV
Heh. I notice my last blog ("International Cluck Like a Chicken Day") befuddled the blogger ad engine..."This blank space brought to you by..."
I recorded a voiceover for a TV ad for Hole's, so watch CFRN carefully during the holiday season and you may catch me saying immortal lines such as, "Hole's...helping you enjoy the holidays."
I recorded a voiceover for a TV ad for Hole's, so watch CFRN carefully during the holiday season and you may catch me saying immortal lines such as, "Hole's...helping you enjoy the holidays."
International Cluck Like a Chicken Day
I think we might enjoy a more peaceful world if all the planet’s governments, in cooperation with the UN, decided to declare February 25th (my birthday, coincidentally) International Cluck Like a Chicken Day. All over the world, people of all races, creeds, and colours would bend their arms, hunch over, scratch their feet against the ground, and go “buck-buck-ba-GAWK!”
Before you call my plan mad, consider this: on each side of the heavily fortified frontier between Pakistan and India, Hindus and Muslims would consider their would-be foes in a new light, as they scratched, pecked, and clucked together in the spirit of genial mirth. The same happy tale would be repeated between Hutu and Tutsi, Arab and Jew, Fleming and Waloon, Catholic and Orthodox, Trekkie and Warsie.
Or maybe not. World peace would appear to be more complicated than empty gestures such as international adoption of little more than a silly variation of the Chicken Dance. :-(
Before you call my plan mad, consider this: on each side of the heavily fortified frontier between Pakistan and India, Hindus and Muslims would consider their would-be foes in a new light, as they scratched, pecked, and clucked together in the spirit of genial mirth. The same happy tale would be repeated between Hutu and Tutsi, Arab and Jew, Fleming and Waloon, Catholic and Orthodox, Trekkie and Warsie.
Or maybe not. World peace would appear to be more complicated than empty gestures such as international adoption of little more than a silly variation of the Chicken Dance. :-(
Friday, November 28, 2003
The Bleak House of Blahgs II: Electric Boogaloo
Some sequels that should never be made:
Unforgiven II: The Bloody Rampage of Will Munny
Leprechaun V: Pot 'o Pot
Vertigo II: Dizzy New Heights
The Return of the Searchers
Straw Dogs II: Revenge of the Mathematician
The Wilder Bunch
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon Again
The Thing From Yet Another World
Forbidden Planet II: Embargo Lifted!
When Worlds Collide Again
World War II of the Worlds
Gold Diggers of 2004
Allan Quatermain and the Forbidden Gazebo of Doom
Die Hard 4ever
Rebirth of a Nation
Citizen Kane II: Citizenship Revoked!
The Apartment Next Door
Return of the Green Slime
Ishtar II
Pulpier Fiction
Once Upon a Time in Burkina Faso
Speed 3-D
Unforgiven II: The Bloody Rampage of Will Munny
Leprechaun V: Pot 'o Pot
Vertigo II: Dizzy New Heights
The Return of the Searchers
Straw Dogs II: Revenge of the Mathematician
The Wilder Bunch
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon Again
The Thing From Yet Another World
Forbidden Planet II: Embargo Lifted!
When Worlds Collide Again
World War II of the Worlds
Gold Diggers of 2004
Allan Quatermain and the Forbidden Gazebo of Doom
Die Hard 4ever
Rebirth of a Nation
Citizen Kane II: Citizenship Revoked!
The Apartment Next Door
Return of the Green Slime
Ishtar II
Pulpier Fiction
Once Upon a Time in Burkina Faso
Speed 3-D
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Going Round About Capes
Last weekend, my friend Pete noted that DC's stable of superheroes sported more capes than Marvel's. Immediately I started a chart outlining which characters were caped and which lacked same, but the lists quickly grew out of control. The following discussion, then, focusses only on first- and second-tier characters, in roughly descending order of historical importance and cultural prominence. Basically, I've listed important heroes and villains, plus major supporting characters, who either had their own comic book or back-up feature at one time or another.
Let's begin with Marvel:
Caped Flagship Characters
The Mighty Thor
Dr. Strange
Dr. Doom
Magneto
Storm
The Scarlet Witch
The Watcher
Mysterio
The Vision
Caped Second-Tier Characters
The Black Panther
Quasar
Ms. Marvel
The Mole Man
The Black Knight
Capeless Flagship Characters
The Amazing Spider-Man
Captain America
The Incredible Hulk
Mr. Fantastic
The Invisible Woman
The Human Torch II
The Thing
Iron Man
Daredevil
Elektra
The Black Widow
Wolverine
Cyclops
Beast
Professor X
Marvel Girl
Iceman
Colossus
Nightcrawler
The Green Goblin
Dr. Octopus
Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner
The Human Torch I
Rogue
Mystique
Tigra
Galactus
The Kingpin
The Lizard
The Wasp
Ant-Man/Giant-Man/Yellowjacket
Capeless Second-Tier Characters
Stilt-Man
She-Hulk
Spider-Woman I
Spider-Woman II
Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics Version)
Electro
Bucky
Quicksilver
Crystal
Black Bolt
Medusa
Karnak
Scorpion
Nova
And now, DC:
Caped Flagship Characters
Superman (also as Superboy)
Supergirl
Bizarro
Batman
Robin
Batgirl
Captain Marvel (Fawcett/DC Comics version, i.e., "Shazam!")
Martian Manhunter
Caped Second-Tier Characters
Dr. Fate
Dr. Mid-Nite
The Atom I
The Phantom Stranger
Red Tornado I
Red Tornado II
Steel
Krypto, the Superdog
Beppo the Super-Monkey
Streaky the Super-Cat
Comet the Super-Horse
The Weather Wizard
Raven
Huntress
Capeless Flagship Characters
Wonder Woman I
Wonder Woman II
Aquaman
The Flash I
The Flash II
The Flash III
The Atom II
Green Lantern I (Alan Scott)
Green Lantern II (Hal Jordan)
Green Lantern III (John Stewart)
Green Lantern IV (Guy Gardner)
Green Lantern V (Kyle Rayner)
Green Arrow
Black Canary
Plastic Man
The Elongated Man
Firestorm
Zatara
Zatanna
Swamp Thing
The Joker
The Penquin
Catwoman
Poison Ivy
Mr. Freeze
The Riddler
Lex Luthor
Solomon Grundy
Brainiac
Nightwing (formerly Robin)
Jimmy Olsen
Lois Lane
Lana Lang
Perry White
Alfred Pennyworth
Dream
Death
Capeless Second-Tier Characters
Black Lightning
Blue Beetle I
Blue Beetle II
Booster Gold
Fire (formerly Green Flame)
Ice Maiden I
Ice (formerly Ice Maiden II)
Captain Boomerang
Slam Bradley
Dr. Occult
Johnny Thunder and the Thunderbolt
Mr. Mxyzptlk
The Parasite
Titano, the Super-Ape
Gorilla Grodd
Detective Chimp
Angel and the Ape
Congorilla
Cyborg
Captain Atom
Starfire
Wonder Girl/Troia
Speedy/Arsenal
The Creeper
Shade, the Changing Man
Desire
Destiny
Despair
Destruction
Delerium (formerly Delight)
Brother Power, the Geek
Prez Rickard
Kamandi
This list is by no means comprehensive, but I think I've included most of the heroes and villains that the general public has any hope of recognizing. The results? I think it's clear that Marvel and DC have actually made less use of capes than is generally acknowleged, though it's notable that most of the universally recognized DC characters (Superman, Batman, Captain Marvel) are caped, while those of Marvel (Spider-Man, the Hulk, Captain America) are capeless.
Did this exercise have a point? I've forgotten. Next time, let's talk about the super-animals phenomenon, or maybe all the different colours of Kryptonite. Whee!
Let's begin with Marvel:
Caped Flagship Characters
The Mighty Thor
Dr. Strange
Dr. Doom
Magneto
Storm
The Scarlet Witch
The Watcher
Mysterio
The Vision
Caped Second-Tier Characters
The Black Panther
Quasar
Ms. Marvel
The Mole Man
The Black Knight
Capeless Flagship Characters
The Amazing Spider-Man
Captain America
The Incredible Hulk
Mr. Fantastic
The Invisible Woman
The Human Torch II
The Thing
Iron Man
Daredevil
Elektra
The Black Widow
Wolverine
Cyclops
Beast
Professor X
Marvel Girl
Iceman
Colossus
Nightcrawler
The Green Goblin
Dr. Octopus
Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner
The Human Torch I
Rogue
Mystique
Tigra
Galactus
The Kingpin
The Lizard
The Wasp
Ant-Man/Giant-Man/Yellowjacket
Capeless Second-Tier Characters
Stilt-Man
She-Hulk
Spider-Woman I
Spider-Woman II
Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics Version)
Electro
Bucky
Quicksilver
Crystal
Black Bolt
Medusa
Karnak
Scorpion
Nova
And now, DC:
Caped Flagship Characters
Superman (also as Superboy)
Supergirl
Bizarro
Batman
Robin
Batgirl
Captain Marvel (Fawcett/DC Comics version, i.e., "Shazam!")
Martian Manhunter
Caped Second-Tier Characters
Dr. Fate
Dr. Mid-Nite
The Atom I
The Phantom Stranger
Red Tornado I
Red Tornado II
Steel
Krypto, the Superdog
Beppo the Super-Monkey
Streaky the Super-Cat
Comet the Super-Horse
The Weather Wizard
Raven
Huntress
Capeless Flagship Characters
Wonder Woman I
Wonder Woman II
Aquaman
The Flash I
The Flash II
The Flash III
The Atom II
Green Lantern I (Alan Scott)
Green Lantern II (Hal Jordan)
Green Lantern III (John Stewart)
Green Lantern IV (Guy Gardner)
Green Lantern V (Kyle Rayner)
Green Arrow
Black Canary
Plastic Man
The Elongated Man
Firestorm
Zatara
Zatanna
Swamp Thing
The Joker
The Penquin
Catwoman
Poison Ivy
Mr. Freeze
The Riddler
Lex Luthor
Solomon Grundy
Brainiac
Nightwing (formerly Robin)
Jimmy Olsen
Lois Lane
Lana Lang
Perry White
Alfred Pennyworth
Dream
Death
Capeless Second-Tier Characters
Black Lightning
Blue Beetle I
Blue Beetle II
Booster Gold
Fire (formerly Green Flame)
Ice Maiden I
Ice (formerly Ice Maiden II)
Captain Boomerang
Slam Bradley
Dr. Occult
Johnny Thunder and the Thunderbolt
Mr. Mxyzptlk
The Parasite
Titano, the Super-Ape
Gorilla Grodd
Detective Chimp
Angel and the Ape
Congorilla
Cyborg
Captain Atom
Starfire
Wonder Girl/Troia
Speedy/Arsenal
The Creeper
Shade, the Changing Man
Desire
Destiny
Despair
Destruction
Delerium (formerly Delight)
Brother Power, the Geek
Prez Rickard
Kamandi
This list is by no means comprehensive, but I think I've included most of the heroes and villains that the general public has any hope of recognizing. The results? I think it's clear that Marvel and DC have actually made less use of capes than is generally acknowleged, though it's notable that most of the universally recognized DC characters (Superman, Batman, Captain Marvel) are caped, while those of Marvel (Spider-Man, the Hulk, Captain America) are capeless.
Did this exercise have a point? I've forgotten. Next time, let's talk about the super-animals phenomenon, or maybe all the different colours of Kryptonite. Whee!
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Bah
Well, that didn't make any difference to the archive problem...double rats.
Anyway, enjoy the new look. Coming soon: the great Marvel vs. DC Cape Controversy.
Anyway, enjoy the new look. Coming soon: the great Marvel vs. DC Cape Controversy.
All New Look!
As you can see, I've changed my blog template and added a couple of links. I'm hoping that this change will fix the archive problem...quite a few old posts are missing, and others require multiple reloads to access. So after I publish this post, I'm going to check the archives again and see what happens...
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Monday, November 10, 2003
A Surreal Short Story: Sidestepping
A failed experiment - an attempt at stream-of-consciousness storytelling. There's a reason good fiction writers get paid; they don't write nonsense like this. Still, I think a couple of sentences, read in isolation, are sort of amusing.
Sidestepping
I folded myself into a painting of a choo-choo train coming out of a fireplace - you know, the one by Dali. Dali fireplace, burning itself to death with green flame!
And then, without warning, the universe belched again, and I was hip-checked into another dimension.
The night was quiet when I entered the saloon...quiet but for the fact that Quincy Jones' "Soul Bossa Nova" was playing on the juke...
I thought to myself, "I remember when I thought of this tune as "The Theme From 'Definition.'"
Then the acrid stench of cigarette smoke seared my nostrils, and Icoughed, then sneezed, grey, smoke-stained snot blowing across my upper lip.
"Blurgh!" I grunted in disgust. That was when the lady in red handed me a silk handkerchief. "You know how to whistle, don't you?" she said, "Just put the hanky to your nose...and blow."
Perplexed, I obeyed, and sure enough my nostrils did make quite a whistle as I blew into the handkerchief. But when Iopened my eyes, the lady in red was gone, vanished into the smoky night.
"So it goes," I said to no one, "left with a hanky, but no panky." And so I stuffed the soiled bit of silk into the back pocket of his jeans, wondering...
...BAM! No warning again, falling flat on my face in the dirt, Marty Robbins singing "Devil Woman" as someone tosses an empty whiskey bottle through the space just above my upthrust bum.
I roll onto my back, moaning, and overhear the following:
First voice (male): ...no? I was certain you'd be eating canned bananas. What are you eating, then?
Second voice (female): Taboule. They don't can bananas.
First voice: Oooo, taboule. Fancy.
[Pause]
First voice: Doesn't that have humus in it or something?
Second voice: Nope. Not even fancy. It's just tomato, parsley, and some bulgar-like thing.
First voice: Hmmmm.
[Pause]
First voice: Bulgar...that's like...wheat...or something. If you but marijuana in it, you'd have a taboo leaf salad.
Second voice: [Muffled chewing sounds]
Sidestepping
I folded myself into a painting of a choo-choo train coming out of a fireplace - you know, the one by Dali. Dali fireplace, burning itself to death with green flame!
And then, without warning, the universe belched again, and I was hip-checked into another dimension.
The night was quiet when I entered the saloon...quiet but for the fact that Quincy Jones' "Soul Bossa Nova" was playing on the juke...
I thought to myself, "I remember when I thought of this tune as "The Theme From 'Definition.'"
Then the acrid stench of cigarette smoke seared my nostrils, and Icoughed, then sneezed, grey, smoke-stained snot blowing across my upper lip.
"Blurgh!" I grunted in disgust. That was when the lady in red handed me a silk handkerchief. "You know how to whistle, don't you?" she said, "Just put the hanky to your nose...and blow."
Perplexed, I obeyed, and sure enough my nostrils did make quite a whistle as I blew into the handkerchief. But when Iopened my eyes, the lady in red was gone, vanished into the smoky night.
"So it goes," I said to no one, "left with a hanky, but no panky." And so I stuffed the soiled bit of silk into the back pocket of his jeans, wondering...
...BAM! No warning again, falling flat on my face in the dirt, Marty Robbins singing "Devil Woman" as someone tosses an empty whiskey bottle through the space just above my upthrust bum.
I roll onto my back, moaning, and overhear the following:
First voice (male): ...no? I was certain you'd be eating canned bananas. What are you eating, then?
Second voice (female): Taboule. They don't can bananas.
First voice: Oooo, taboule. Fancy.
[Pause]
First voice: Doesn't that have humus in it or something?
Second voice: Nope. Not even fancy. It's just tomato, parsley, and some bulgar-like thing.
First voice: Hmmmm.
[Pause]
First voice: Bulgar...that's like...wheat...or something. If you but marijuana in it, you'd have a taboo leaf salad.
Second voice: [Muffled chewing sounds]
Bad Poems Unfit for Human Eyes
Holy Smashamoley! It's been nearly a month since my last update. Perhaps some bad poetry is in order.
Eye
An EYE
undying
lies amongst
the cries
and anguished
sighs of
those who
failed to
snatch the
prize that
only truth
or courage
buys; and
sees that
ichor in
the skies
rains down
to strike
both witless
and wise.
Silly Nelly and the Jelly
Willy-nilly, silly Nelly spread some jelly on her belly
“Ugh,” she said, “this jelly’s smelly,
But I’ll apply it just for Kelly
So he’ll see me on the telly.”
Poor, poor Nelly! Wed to Kelly
Who’s nothing but a boorish bully
From the wrong side of the gully.
Kelly, scheming, spoke with Sully
(Also from that ghetto gully)
“When those smelly proles see Nelly
With that jelly on her belly
Displayed upon erotic telly
They’ll scream for more, and surely, Sully,
We’ll rake in money willy-nilly.”
“A perfect plan,” chortled Sully,
“Our future’s looking bright and sunny
Our eggs well cooked, no longer runny.”
“And as for Nell,” replied foul Kelly,
“She’ll twitch and grind her sexy belly
Turning men’s minds into jelly
Exploiting supple assets fully.”
Meanwhile, Nelly, feeling sorry
For herself and sick with worry
Consoled herself with rice and curry
Her vision clear, no longer blurry.
“Why should I expose my belly
(sexy though it is) for Kelly?
I should see some of that money
And it better not be funny –
Or they’ll find out in a hurry
Worse than Hell is woman’s fury.”
A tragic trio, watch them scurry
Their lives exploding in a flurry
And unless all three are wary
Their dreams and hopes they soon will bury.
The Individualator
Here I sit at head of class
Flopped upon my flabby ass
Eyes sharp-peeled to catch a cheat
And grind their papers into meat
This I do not want to do
It would leave me feeling blue
So I pray with all my might
That these students know what’s right.
I used to drive a truck
Now I drive a desk
I do not need to say
Which I like the best
I don’t know if it’s permanent
I don’t know if I’ll stay
But while I’m on the firmament
I’ll take it day by day.
Eye
An EYE
undying
lies amongst
the cries
and anguished
sighs of
those who
failed to
snatch the
prize that
only truth
or courage
buys; and
sees that
ichor in
the skies
rains down
to strike
both witless
and wise.
Silly Nelly and the Jelly
Willy-nilly, silly Nelly spread some jelly on her belly
“Ugh,” she said, “this jelly’s smelly,
But I’ll apply it just for Kelly
So he’ll see me on the telly.”
Poor, poor Nelly! Wed to Kelly
Who’s nothing but a boorish bully
From the wrong side of the gully.
Kelly, scheming, spoke with Sully
(Also from that ghetto gully)
“When those smelly proles see Nelly
With that jelly on her belly
Displayed upon erotic telly
They’ll scream for more, and surely, Sully,
We’ll rake in money willy-nilly.”
“A perfect plan,” chortled Sully,
“Our future’s looking bright and sunny
Our eggs well cooked, no longer runny.”
“And as for Nell,” replied foul Kelly,
“She’ll twitch and grind her sexy belly
Turning men’s minds into jelly
Exploiting supple assets fully.”
Meanwhile, Nelly, feeling sorry
For herself and sick with worry
Consoled herself with rice and curry
Her vision clear, no longer blurry.
“Why should I expose my belly
(sexy though it is) for Kelly?
I should see some of that money
And it better not be funny –
Or they’ll find out in a hurry
Worse than Hell is woman’s fury.”
A tragic trio, watch them scurry
Their lives exploding in a flurry
And unless all three are wary
Their dreams and hopes they soon will bury.
The Individualator
Here I sit at head of class
Flopped upon my flabby ass
Eyes sharp-peeled to catch a cheat
And grind their papers into meat
This I do not want to do
It would leave me feeling blue
So I pray with all my might
That these students know what’s right.
I used to drive a truck
Now I drive a desk
I do not need to say
Which I like the best
I don’t know if it’s permanent
I don’t know if I’ll stay
But while I’m on the firmament
I’ll take it day by day.
You're Not Being Paranoid When They Really Are Out to Get You
Picked up The Zombie Survival Guide a couple of days ago; halfway through it now.
1. Stay alert. Keep a close watch on your environment, and watch for danger signs: increased police activity, hoarding, looting, "random" tests of the Emergency Broadcast System.
2. Equip yourself with care. Keep a two-week supply of provisions on hand at all times, as well as an emergency kit if you have to flee the premises suddenly.
3. Your body and mind are weapons; keep them well-honed.
4. Travel in small groups. Three or four are manageable; anything more is a chaotic mob.
5. And most importantly, be as quiet as possible at all times. If you make any noise, the zombies will home in on your position and eat you alive.
1. Stay alert. Keep a close watch on your environment, and watch for danger signs: increased police activity, hoarding, looting, "random" tests of the Emergency Broadcast System.
2. Equip yourself with care. Keep a two-week supply of provisions on hand at all times, as well as an emergency kit if you have to flee the premises suddenly.
3. Your body and mind are weapons; keep them well-honed.
4. Travel in small groups. Three or four are manageable; anything more is a chaotic mob.
5. And most importantly, be as quiet as possible at all times. If you make any noise, the zombies will home in on your position and eat you alive.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Special Guest Blagh: Susan Shyluk
Blahg reader Susan Shyluk responded to my David Bowie blahg, and has kindly given me permission to post her comments here:
"Hi Earl,
I have been a bit behind in reading your blog, and I finally caught up. I really enjoy reading it, you have been doing some really great writing.
When I read about how you attended the Bowie concert I thought of something I would like to share with you. You mentioned that most of these gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money, so I wanted to share with you one I know of that isn't. Where I work we have a room where hospitals, schools and communities can teleconference in groups. Areas all over BC are connected with each other for educational sessions available for staff, and as you may suspect it costs our hospital money for everyone to
attend.
Just recently some doctors have made a wonderful donation of personal conference time to isolated patients. The hospital I work at is a centre for maternity care in the province. We often have pregnant women who are on bedrest for months. Some are separated from their families for the entire time because they live so far away from Vancouver. Because of the donation, we are able to arrange for these women to go on a stretcher to the conference room and live connect with their families who in turn have gone to a similar conference room close to home.
Every day I learn about something like this I am in awe how significantly things are changing. This last weekend I attended a youth conference (I fit the age category of under 35 by 23 days) and I am pleased to see that the new generation has taken this is stride. It makes me wonder if humanity is heading towards the dream that Gene Roddenberry expressed in Star Trek.
Keep on blahgging! Susan."
Thanks, Susan. I found your story quite uplifting; I'm glad you shared it.
Susan's husband Jeff notes that SF author and visionary futurist Arthur C. Clarke should be mentioned, since it was he that originally came up with the idea of communications satellites, a technology without which Bowie's simulcast would have been impossible. So hats off to Sir Arthur, and to everyone who dreams of a better tomorrow.
"Hi Earl,
I have been a bit behind in reading your blog, and I finally caught up. I really enjoy reading it, you have been doing some really great writing.
When I read about how you attended the Bowie concert I thought of something I would like to share with you. You mentioned that most of these gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money, so I wanted to share with you one I know of that isn't. Where I work we have a room where hospitals, schools and communities can teleconference in groups. Areas all over BC are connected with each other for educational sessions available for staff, and as you may suspect it costs our hospital money for everyone to
attend.
Just recently some doctors have made a wonderful donation of personal conference time to isolated patients. The hospital I work at is a centre for maternity care in the province. We often have pregnant women who are on bedrest for months. Some are separated from their families for the entire time because they live so far away from Vancouver. Because of the donation, we are able to arrange for these women to go on a stretcher to the conference room and live connect with their families who in turn have gone to a similar conference room close to home.
Every day I learn about something like this I am in awe how significantly things are changing. This last weekend I attended a youth conference (I fit the age category of under 35 by 23 days) and I am pleased to see that the new generation has taken this is stride. It makes me wonder if humanity is heading towards the dream that Gene Roddenberry expressed in Star Trek.
Keep on blahgging! Susan."
Thanks, Susan. I found your story quite uplifting; I'm glad you shared it.
Susan's husband Jeff notes that SF author and visionary futurist Arthur C. Clarke should be mentioned, since it was he that originally came up with the idea of communications satellites, a technology without which Bowie's simulcast would have been impossible. So hats off to Sir Arthur, and to everyone who dreams of a better tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Plans from Outer Space
Edward D. Wood, Jr. has long been reviled as the worst director of all time. But for several years now, I've investigated Wood's films and his strange, twisted life - and I have come to the shocking conclusion that Wood was, in fact, a documentary filmmaker. Glen or Glenda was an accurate portrayal of the director's obsession with angora sweaters; Bride of the Monster, a revealing look at the dangers of atomic power; and his masterpiece, Plan 9 from Outer Space, an expose disguised as a grade-z science fiction film.
As documented in Plan 9 from Outer Space, the unknown humanoid aliens from beyond planned an insidious attack upon our own dearly departed. As the alien Ruler said,
"Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance
electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead."
Fortunately, brave men of Earth put a stop to this plan, but not before a half-dozen innocent souls fell victim to the aliens' diabolical scheme. But what of Plans 1-8? Until now, the teeming masses of man remained blissfully - but dangerously - ignorant. At last, it can be told - the shocking TRUE FACTS behind the plans that came BEFORE Plan 9...
Plan 1 from Outer Space: Invasion of the Sex Changers (1934)
The Ruler: "Plan 1 involves our agrarian division. Mass planting of our homeworld's gyno beans, planted all over plantations in the continent known as North America. Switching the genders of the people of earth, sundering their sense of self."
The plan failed when alien agents Penos and Shava forgot to take into account the common earth locust, which ate all the gyno bean crops before human beings were even aware of the threat. Endemic drought also contributed to the failure of the plan.
Plan 2 from Outer Space: Carpet Bombing (1936)
The Ruler: "Plan 2, unlike plan 1, cannot fail, for it renders the very sun of this pitiful Earth planet helpless, by means of eliminating the nutrient-rich sun-rays which give life to this pitiful planet Earth."
The plan misfired when alien fiends Gendo and Flebulge surrounded Earth's sun with actual carpet instead of the asbestos sheeting they were supposed to use. The carpet burned, and the "pitiful" inhabitants of earth noticed no ill effects.
Plan 3 from Outer Space: The Sounds of Silence (1937)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 and 2 were flawed because they failed to take into account the strange and special properties of this sun-system, with its yellow star and green-blue third world. But Plan 3, which involves sonic bombardment of Earth from beyond the orbit of their pitiful Moon, will shake, rattle and roll the humans into suffering, shell-shocked submission."
The plan failed when alien Chief Designer Designate Erko forgot that sound waves, no matter how powerful, cannot travel through the airless medium of space. There were no human casualties.
Plan 4 from Outer Space: Bubble Gumfight (1941)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2 and 3 failed due to the resistance of those stubborn humans, their mettle greater than even our cleverest Space Generals anticipated. But Plan 4, with its focus on impressionable teens, will send these simple Solarians into a frenzy of begging for our mercy, which we will not offer. According to your Plan 4 plans, this chewy substance called chewing gum, filled with our powerful mind-control drugs, will sour their teenage minds on authority and bring their pitiful national governments to their knees, leaving them ripe for invasion."
Plan 4 went awry when the aliens added their "mind control drug" to the nation's bubblegum supply. Unfortunately for the aliens, human beings consume sugar without ill effect - save to their teeth.
Plan 5 from Outer Space: Time Slaves (1943)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2, 3 and 4 failed - but Plan 5 is truly infallilble, relying as it does on the humans' own innate savagery. With the new Atomic Time Hole, we can enslave Earth's mightiest warriors, flinging fearsome Roman Legions, bloodthirsty Zulu armies, and crazed Mongol hordes against Earth's defences. Not even the cleverest Earth generals of 1943 can hope to stand fast against our time-lost zombie battallions!"
Plan 5 was the best plan yet, but the aliens, in their ignorance of Earth history, failed to take into account the technological disparities involved when pitting Roman legions, Mongol hordes, and Zulu armies against the sophisticated war machines of the Axis and Allied powers. The invading forces, armed only with swords and spears, were promptly cut to ribbons by machine-guns, bazookas, and torpedoes wherever they appeared.
Plan 6 from Outer Space: Rain of Terror (1950)
The Ruler: "Ah yes, Plan 6 - at last, a foolproof plan, wherein we superior space-men at last bring the foolish, primitive Earth-men under our heel. We shall seed their stratocumulus cloud layer, which protects the humans from ultraviolet radiation, with Atomic Dust, which will force the clouds to lose altitude and break up into deadly sheets of radioactive rain."
Plan 6 was foiled in the testing stages by a group of precocious teens, though three residents of West Armpit, Nebraska, including the county sherrif, were burned into radioactive ash by the alien weapon.
Plan 7 from Outer Space: Pornographic Priestesses (1953)
The Ruler: "Although our last six plans failed, Plan 7 - and I note that the humans consider 7 a lucky number - is a guaranteed success. For this time, we depend upon the very weaknesses of the very Earthlings we seek to conquer. The human procreative drive is the most powerful in the known galaxy, and our seductive "sleeper" agents will seduce Earth's most powerful men into precarious positions from which they are vulnerable to our black-hearted blackmail."
Plan 7 failed because Earth politicians, long masters of adultery, were proficient at escaping the grip of seductive slatterns and gorgeous gigolos.
Plan 8 from Outer Space: Strength in Numbers (1957)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 through 7 all met with failure, not because the humans are inherently superior, but because we have grown too proud. There is strength in numbers, and by calling upon others who have cause to conquer this irritating world, we will surely triumph. Prepare conference by Electro-Atom Video Phone Screen."
Plan 8, while perhaps the most ambitious of the alien plans, failed when our would-be alien conquerors tried fruitlessly for years to contact Ming the Merciless, Guidance Ro-Man, and the brain from planet Arous, unaware that these supposed arch-enemies of man were in fact fictional human creations.
By 1959, the aliens were discouraged, but no less determined to put an end to humanity, a species they saw as a menace to galactic civilization. The visionary Ed Wood fearlessly documented this plan, and perhaps because of the exposure, the aliens retreated, seemingly defeated. But were all of the aliens truly destroyed, as depicted at the end of Wood's documentary? It seems unlikely. While decades have passed since the failure of Plan 9, it seems prudent to keep watching the skies, for our fearsome foes may put the next plan into motion when we least expect it. Ed Wood knew the power of persistence, and so too must we, dear readers, be tirelessly vigilant in our defence of this green and noble world. Are you prepared to face the shocking facts about...Plan 10 from Outer Space?
As documented in Plan 9 from Outer Space, the unknown humanoid aliens from beyond planned an insidious attack upon our own dearly departed. As the alien Ruler said,
"Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance
electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead."
Fortunately, brave men of Earth put a stop to this plan, but not before a half-dozen innocent souls fell victim to the aliens' diabolical scheme. But what of Plans 1-8? Until now, the teeming masses of man remained blissfully - but dangerously - ignorant. At last, it can be told - the shocking TRUE FACTS behind the plans that came BEFORE Plan 9...
Plan 1 from Outer Space: Invasion of the Sex Changers (1934)
The Ruler: "Plan 1 involves our agrarian division. Mass planting of our homeworld's gyno beans, planted all over plantations in the continent known as North America. Switching the genders of the people of earth, sundering their sense of self."
The plan failed when alien agents Penos and Shava forgot to take into account the common earth locust, which ate all the gyno bean crops before human beings were even aware of the threat. Endemic drought also contributed to the failure of the plan.
Plan 2 from Outer Space: Carpet Bombing (1936)
The Ruler: "Plan 2, unlike plan 1, cannot fail, for it renders the very sun of this pitiful Earth planet helpless, by means of eliminating the nutrient-rich sun-rays which give life to this pitiful planet Earth."
The plan misfired when alien fiends Gendo and Flebulge surrounded Earth's sun with actual carpet instead of the asbestos sheeting they were supposed to use. The carpet burned, and the "pitiful" inhabitants of earth noticed no ill effects.
Plan 3 from Outer Space: The Sounds of Silence (1937)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 and 2 were flawed because they failed to take into account the strange and special properties of this sun-system, with its yellow star and green-blue third world. But Plan 3, which involves sonic bombardment of Earth from beyond the orbit of their pitiful Moon, will shake, rattle and roll the humans into suffering, shell-shocked submission."
The plan failed when alien Chief Designer Designate Erko forgot that sound waves, no matter how powerful, cannot travel through the airless medium of space. There were no human casualties.
Plan 4 from Outer Space: Bubble Gumfight (1941)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2 and 3 failed due to the resistance of those stubborn humans, their mettle greater than even our cleverest Space Generals anticipated. But Plan 4, with its focus on impressionable teens, will send these simple Solarians into a frenzy of begging for our mercy, which we will not offer. According to your Plan 4 plans, this chewy substance called chewing gum, filled with our powerful mind-control drugs, will sour their teenage minds on authority and bring their pitiful national governments to their knees, leaving them ripe for invasion."
Plan 4 went awry when the aliens added their "mind control drug" to the nation's bubblegum supply. Unfortunately for the aliens, human beings consume sugar without ill effect - save to their teeth.
Plan 5 from Outer Space: Time Slaves (1943)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2, 3 and 4 failed - but Plan 5 is truly infallilble, relying as it does on the humans' own innate savagery. With the new Atomic Time Hole, we can enslave Earth's mightiest warriors, flinging fearsome Roman Legions, bloodthirsty Zulu armies, and crazed Mongol hordes against Earth's defences. Not even the cleverest Earth generals of 1943 can hope to stand fast against our time-lost zombie battallions!"
Plan 5 was the best plan yet, but the aliens, in their ignorance of Earth history, failed to take into account the technological disparities involved when pitting Roman legions, Mongol hordes, and Zulu armies against the sophisticated war machines of the Axis and Allied powers. The invading forces, armed only with swords and spears, were promptly cut to ribbons by machine-guns, bazookas, and torpedoes wherever they appeared.
Plan 6 from Outer Space: Rain of Terror (1950)
The Ruler: "Ah yes, Plan 6 - at last, a foolproof plan, wherein we superior space-men at last bring the foolish, primitive Earth-men under our heel. We shall seed their stratocumulus cloud layer, which protects the humans from ultraviolet radiation, with Atomic Dust, which will force the clouds to lose altitude and break up into deadly sheets of radioactive rain."
Plan 6 was foiled in the testing stages by a group of precocious teens, though three residents of West Armpit, Nebraska, including the county sherrif, were burned into radioactive ash by the alien weapon.
Plan 7 from Outer Space: Pornographic Priestesses (1953)
The Ruler: "Although our last six plans failed, Plan 7 - and I note that the humans consider 7 a lucky number - is a guaranteed success. For this time, we depend upon the very weaknesses of the very Earthlings we seek to conquer. The human procreative drive is the most powerful in the known galaxy, and our seductive "sleeper" agents will seduce Earth's most powerful men into precarious positions from which they are vulnerable to our black-hearted blackmail."
Plan 7 failed because Earth politicians, long masters of adultery, were proficient at escaping the grip of seductive slatterns and gorgeous gigolos.
Plan 8 from Outer Space: Strength in Numbers (1957)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 through 7 all met with failure, not because the humans are inherently superior, but because we have grown too proud. There is strength in numbers, and by calling upon others who have cause to conquer this irritating world, we will surely triumph. Prepare conference by Electro-Atom Video Phone Screen."
Plan 8, while perhaps the most ambitious of the alien plans, failed when our would-be alien conquerors tried fruitlessly for years to contact Ming the Merciless, Guidance Ro-Man, and the brain from planet Arous, unaware that these supposed arch-enemies of man were in fact fictional human creations.
By 1959, the aliens were discouraged, but no less determined to put an end to humanity, a species they saw as a menace to galactic civilization. The visionary Ed Wood fearlessly documented this plan, and perhaps because of the exposure, the aliens retreated, seemingly defeated. But were all of the aliens truly destroyed, as depicted at the end of Wood's documentary? It seems unlikely. While decades have passed since the failure of Plan 9, it seems prudent to keep watching the skies, for our fearsome foes may put the next plan into motion when we least expect it. Ed Wood knew the power of persistence, and so too must we, dear readers, be tirelessly vigilant in our defence of this green and noble world. Are you prepared to face the shocking facts about...Plan 10 from Outer Space?
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Cuts Like a Bowie Knife
My brother and I went to the Silver City Imax last night to see the David Bowie interactive concert. Not only did Bowie and the band put on a great set, but the man was quite charming and funny during the Q&A that followed. It was quite neat; Bowie and a moderator sat in a studio in New York while audience questions were transmitted from Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, Sao Paulo, and Rio de Janiero. There were a few technical glitches, including some bizarre audio looping when Paul, the guy in our Edmonton audience chosen to speak to Bowie, asked his question. Bowie looked a little confused, and no wonder - Paul's voice was echoing back and forth, along with the laughter of our audience when the problem became apparent. Trippy. But he was a trooper and answered the question ("Do you enjoy working in the studio more, or performing live?") with candour.
I couldn't help but ruminate on the phenomenon; fifty thousand people from half a dozen countries, linked via technology in mutual appreciation of a talented artist. I felt something close to elation when I considered the possibilities, tempered by the understanding that such gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money. I can't fault Bowie for that - I've always respected his talent, and he doesn't seem to be in it for the cash - but it's still somewhat sobering.
And yet, I can just imagine giant town hall meetings, people from North and South coming together to hash out the inequities between rich and poor, formulating plans to take back this planet from the robber barons and the scoundrels.
One day...one day.
I couldn't help but ruminate on the phenomenon; fifty thousand people from half a dozen countries, linked via technology in mutual appreciation of a talented artist. I felt something close to elation when I considered the possibilities, tempered by the understanding that such gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money. I can't fault Bowie for that - I've always respected his talent, and he doesn't seem to be in it for the cash - but it's still somewhat sobering.
And yet, I can just imagine giant town hall meetings, people from North and South coming together to hash out the inequities between rich and poor, formulating plans to take back this planet from the robber barons and the scoundrels.
One day...one day.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Mister Tambourine Man
By the way, I do not, in fact, own a copy of William Shatner's masterpiece "The Transformed Man," but one day I will indeed have a copy...MISTER TAMBOURINE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!
Special Guest Blogger: Alex Zukowsky
Alex Zukowsky of Edmonton amuses his coworkers by sending Top Ten lists via his work email account, and he's graciously provided a new Top Ten list especially for Bleak House of Blahgs readers. Thanks, Alex!
Top Ten Perks to Owning Your Own Website
10. The money
9. Always have the last word in every argument
8. When pulled over for speeding can get out of ticket by flashing your "web designer" badge
7. Can work on website wearing nothing more then a smile
6. Al Gore personally calls you up to apologize for his "invented the internet" claim
5. The women
4. With pasty white "indoor only" skin you do a great imitation of Michael Jackson
3. Free Dilbert calendar for every 1000 site visitors
2. Ability to explain purchase of William Shatner's 1968 "The Transformed Man" album as work related
and the Number One Perk to Owning Your Own Website...
1. Can misspell word like "Blahs" and come off looking like a genius
Top Ten Perks to Owning Your Own Website
10. The money
9. Always have the last word in every argument
8. When pulled over for speeding can get out of ticket by flashing your "web designer" badge
7. Can work on website wearing nothing more then a smile
6. Al Gore personally calls you up to apologize for his "invented the internet" claim
5. The women
4. With pasty white "indoor only" skin you do a great imitation of Michael Jackson
3. Free Dilbert calendar for every 1000 site visitors
2. Ability to explain purchase of William Shatner's 1968 "The Transformed Man" album as work related
and the Number One Perk to Owning Your Own Website...
1. Can misspell word like "Blahs" and come off looking like a genius
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