Friday, August 10, 2007

The Night Before

In just a few hours, Sylvia and I will be married. And yet we're still working out last-minute details. Tomorrow is going to be a long (but fun) day.

In the meantime, I want to thank the gang for putting on a terrific bachelor party for me back on July 21. I had a great time - here are some of the highlights.


The gang surprised me by showing up in superhero-themed t-shirts. In the back row we have Pete as the Greatest American Hero, Sean as Black Adam, Mike as Daredevil, Scott as Grendel, and Jeff as the Flash. Up front there's Steve as Batman, me as Superman, and Colin as Green Lantern.

Before heading to Schank's sports bar for boozeahol, we engaged in some old-school RPGing: Villains and Vigilantes. This game is amusing because its central conceit is to cast you, the player, as a superhero. In other words, rather than making up some imaginary character, you play yourself - but with abilities far beyond those of mortal men. If the way our game went is any indication, humanity's in deep trouble if any of our gang ever gets super powers.



Mike was mesmerized by this flying toy.


Whenever Mike gets drunk, he's overcome with the urge to stick his tongue in someone's ear. This time I was the victim.

Titty twister, ARRRGH






At right, Dustin finishes off some grog.


Mike explains his philosophy of life.
Guess this is my last blog post as a single guy. Stay frosty, true believers!

12 comments:

Steven in YVR said...

Hey Earl,

Sorry that I can't join you, Sylvia, and the rest to celebrate the occasion of your wedding to a fantastic lady like Sylvia,

All the best you two and I hope to see you in person to properly wish you all the best.


HSN

Greg said...

Well down Earl. That walk down the plank - aisle I mean - is a big step towards becoming a man. Whatever that means of course...

Congratulations
Greg

Leslie said...

Dear Earl and Sylvia,

Congratulations on your wedding. So sorry we couldn't be there -- but we were thinking of you and wishing you well.

Talk to you both soon!

Leslie

Anonymous said...

It's been bothering me that Earl has left his blog to wither on the vine for so long. I consider myself a stout anti-blogger, so its even more unseemly that I would log in here and find nary an update, although I guess it does feed my suspicions that Blogs = Decline Of Western Civilization.

I've been told that Earl is active on Facebook, but if I dislike blogs, how in faith could I justify submersing myself into that culture? So, for those of you who are pro-Earl&Sylvia, anti-Facebook, and at least blog-neutral, you may be wondering how the wedding went:

It was pretty much like Sean wanted. They went for the whole Flash Gordon thing. The Ming they hired was a hoot: he was bad -- campy bad, not so much evil bad -- so at first we were all ready to dismiss him. But he had a startling message of humanity, and that really added an unexpected dimension to his character. Sure, Ming was Merciless, but he also had a down-to-earth side that really hit home for many of us. There was not a dry eye in the house.

The wedding was a tremendous event: I would classify it as a Primary Experience, meaning that to have missed it would be to have missed on something that you need to live, like food or oxygen. Yes, it was that good. An amazing affirmation of the truth that Love Conquers All Obstacles, with a nice buffet dinner/dance thrown in for good measure.

Earl J. Woods said...

It was a pretty darn cool time, I must say, thanks to all the fantastic people who helped make it such a success. I was actually feeling guilty about the blog this past weekend - not quite guilty enough to post the wedding summary - but guilty enough to get started on the outline. Keep checking in, faithful readers, for the highlights.

Anonymous said...

My big idea was to keep the blog afloat by posting things that I thought Earl would write about. Hopefully, the post count would eventually drive him into blogging again. On the other hand, there is the danger that I would start blogging, and Earl would become the habitual reader. It's not my most rational plane ever.

Still, I had a few entries lined up for a rainy day like today:

EARL'S INSPIRATIONS

As a writer, Earl has to come up with all kinds of stuff all of the time to satisfy client demands. I am now going to blow the lid off of his best source ever.

You have to realize that Earl is incredibly well-read. His university education went a long way to build a foundation of erudition that is the basis for all of his work.

I do recall one snowy day Earl leaving the U of A library with a dusty nameless hardcover book the colour of coffee, one cream. When asked, he refused to show me the book and scuttled away, not taking his eyes from me until he was occluded by a large shrub. I followed him to the shrub, but by the time I arrived, Earl and the book were gone.

Later that day, I did find him in the Star Trek office, or rather his bookbag, as Earl had gone off on some errand, like helping write phoney parking tickets to put under Ron's windshield wiper (and that was fun!).

Inside the bag was the book, a volume of Japanese poetry.

Poems from the Far East are nowhere near my line of expertise. I know of haiku, and I've heard of Basho.

Still, this stuff was really far out there. It seems that Basho had a protege, Bongo, but that Bongo turned out to be so bad that he was evicted bodily from Japan and dumped into the Sulu Sea, and his book of poems was burned on sight. Yet this one volume remained, collected through arcane librarian sub-channels and biblio-skulduggery of unimagined proportions. I would have been less surprised to hold a genuine Necronomicon Ex Mortis.

Inside, is Bongo's most (in)famous poem, and I daresay it's a mainspring of Earl's creativity. I now present it in its entirety for your amazement:

それは私にくすくす笑いをする
衝撃的な困惑
あなたの形の

...right, I forgot I don't read or speak Japanese. Do you? Babelfish (the translating program) sort of helps:

"As for that the shocking perplexity your shape which laughs secretly in me"

You have to also understand a bit about world cinema. In University, Earl was a great fan of the silver screen. One of his favourite films at the time was the 1952 neo-samurai classic "順序の義侠の士", which roughly translates into "Paladins Of Order", it's English name.

I will never forget the scene, shot in glorious black and white, with hard oily rain pouring down, but the hulking, broken temple still spewing smoke, sparks and tongues of fire from the battle, and in the foregroung Toshiro Mifune (he's cut from swords, bleeding, near crazy from fatigue and the horror of the battle, one disclocated arm hanging uslessly in a sleeve that looks like a tattered flag of honour, and no more) Tohiro Mifune lowers his head and teeth clenched growls out this line, the English translation to Bongo's epic poem:

"It u-make u-me gigguru
The shocking puzzuru
Of your u-shape."

Please forgive my phonetic spelling, it's just that it's so rare to hear a Japanese speaker utter in English the lines of Bongo's forbidden verse. Since the movie was on Bravo! just the other day, I remember it clear as a bell tolls.

"It makes me giggle,
The shocking puzzle
Of your shape."

And now I will be chanting this mantra over and over again fifty times a day, it gets in my head so.

Anonymous said...

THE BLOGJACKER ENTRIES #2

No real blogging from Earl yet, although I understand he's busy. Well, I'm not, or at least not this minute. Time for another Blogjack!

From the files of Trivial Internet Research:

The famous Hildebrandt Brothers Star Wars poster did not receive final consideration as artwork for the original movie poster. In fact, the brothers copied from a poster that was realized by graphic artist Tom Jung.

Lucasfilm decided in the end to use the Jung poster as their official Star Wars art, although the Hildebrandt poster would be what many people would consider to be iconic. Not that it matters much: an image search shows that the Star Wars poster idea has been "treated" almost as many times as Dana Scully's face has been grafted onto a porno star's body. I think I like the Italian Guerre Stellari poster the best (see:

http://kennedy84hastalagiobbasiempre.
files.wordpress.com/2007/05/locandina.jpg

--I've broken up the link into two pieces because the comment area truncates large links, you'll have to piece it together!)

Here's a quote from a fan website called "Posterwire":

"What’s interesting about the Hilderbrant Star Wars movie poster is that it wasn’t used as a one-sheet for the initial Star Wars theatrical release in U.S. theaters — yet it is, for many, the first piece of artwork they remember for the film. Created as last minute alternate poster artwork, the Hildebrandt Star Wars poster art was an interpretation of a Star Wars movie poster design already created by artist Tom Jung. According to the Star Wars Poster Book, Lucasfilm felt the Jung artwork was “too dark”, and wanted another version:

“They hired twins Tim and Greg Hildebrandt, who were well-known fantasy artists at the time, to paint their own take on the Jung design. ‘The reason they called us is because Tim and I had just done the Lord of the Rings calendar, and we had a fan following.’ says Greg Hildebrandt. ‘We had come through literally overnight for them on a poster for Young Frankenstein. It wasn’t used, but we did it overnight, so they called us and said we need a poster fast.’

Given the direction to make the image look “comic bookish”, the Hildebrandt movie poster (completed in just thirty-six hours) featured very stylized illustrations of actors Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, as the brothers did not have photo reference for the characters of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. In the end, 20th Century Fox opted to use the earlier “dark” poster art by Tom Jung instead of the Hildebrandt art for the Star Wars theatrical poster — the Star Wars “Style A” movie poster — which had a more accurate likeness of the two main characters. The Hildebrandt artwork did appear on many early Star Wars promo items, a consumer retail poster, and eventually as a U.S. theatrical poster for the Star Wars 15th Anniversary re-release."

For the record, the OTHER other (wink, wink) iconic Star Wars inspired poster took about 70 hours to paint.

Anonymous said...

THE BLOGJACKER ENTRIES #3

Today is my wife's birthday, hooray! So, in honour of today's blogjacking of the Bleak House of Blahgs, I thought it would be appropriate to make a more thoughtful turn of phrase than is usual for me (although how a blogjacker can have a "usual" writing style is something that only flowers in blogs that don't get used much anymore).

Since Mrs. Anonymous has her identity hidden from the world at large, we can discuss things with more openness than if we were debating on her own blog. Friends, of course, will know her identity, but they will respect our anonymity here.

The topic of today's blogjack, then, is Children. Since my wife is another year sweeter, time is reduced for her to bear children. For some couples that's a real concern. It's a topic we discuss from time to time, and given her career, it's also a topic that sometimes weighs on both of us. A good percentage of our friends and relatives are incredibly fecund, reproducing themselves with a charming regularity that would make even old Benjamin Spock blush. Other couples, well, not so much, either by choice or by design.

Should we have children? This is too big of a question. No doubt some people should, and other's shouldn't. What would the world be like if the Hitlers, Lenins, Amins, Mussollinis, Bush's, and other such families used condoms a little more often? Again, too big of a question.

Let us allow one of the greatest writers of human civilization answer the question, the Bard:

PRO: "The world must be peopled." - Much Ado About Nothing, act 2, sc. 3, l. 229-31

CON: "At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school." - As You Like It, act 2, sc. 7, l. 139-66

Well, okay, even Shakespeare seems a bit ambivalent, at least in my view.

Topic change: I've been reading a lot about sailing ships. These are fascinating machines, especially given how modern transportation has revolutionized the way we see the world. Travel powered solely by the whims and vexations of the wind seems almost hopelessly anachronistic. Sailing is a skill that seems to be on a level with striking flint to make fire, in terms of being primitive. Yet in truth the able seaman has had many decades of life on the sea, and there is as much art and science to bending a sail as there is to splitting an atom. Certainly, sailing is "greener" than tending to a shipboard nuclear reactor.

The trick to sailing is to get to where you want to go despite which way the winds and tides have turned. Much of the time, the wind will blow your way, but other times you have to be prepared to have too much wind or too little, and what driving force there is flies into your teeth. No boat can set course directly into the wind on sails alone.

There is a "no-sail zone" as it were, that extends in a cone from the bow of any sailing ship. If you set course there, your ship is said to be "in irons": the sails will luff, and if anything, you will be propelled backwards. The trick to steering into the wind is to tack close-hauled, where you set your helm on the edge of the no-sail zone, and then swing about and travel along the other edge of the cone, in effect making a big zig-zag.

By way of example, here is a quote from Brady's "Kedge Anchor" (1888):

"350 - WIND ON THE QUARTER, ALL SAIL SET -- BRING-TO ON THE OTHER TACK, UNDER DOUBLE-REEFED TOPSAILS
"Reduce sail to topsails, station the crew forward, with one watch of topmen aloft to reef; brail up the spanker, up helm, brace in, and when before the wind, clew down the topsails, haul out reef-tackles, and up buntlines; let the men lay out and reef; wind on the quarter, brace up cross-jack yard, and haul out the spanker; as she comes-to, brace up the foreyard, and meet her with the helm and jib-sheet when coming-to, a good opportunity will be offered for reefing; when reefed, hoist away toptails, letting the main go a-back, the others fill."

Nobody said it was easy!

So where does thing bring us? I find that as I get older, the "no-sail zone" of my life has changed considerably over when I was younger. Maybe it's gotten bigger (my draft is definitely down by a strake at the stern), but I don't think so. Some opportunities have closed off, and others have opened. Wind and tide have changed in life as they would at sea.

Does having children (later in life) go into the no-sail zone? If it does, there are ways to tack into the wind. Or maybe there are other destinations in life to reach, and as long as the helm answers, we can go there.

"You cannot change the wind, but you can adjust your sails." -Anonymous (but not me, another Anonymous)

Great words of wisdom, borne from the age of sail. Or, judging by an Internet search of this phrase, a hack sentiment employed by computer game nerds and those too lazy to care about using cliches while on-line. Either way, it's something to consider as another birthday is here, the wind blows strong, long may our big jib draw!

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart, and remember, there's not a moment to be lost!

Anonymous said...

THE BLOGJACKER ENTRIES #4

CONSPIRACY REVEALED!!!

Today's blogjack is brought to you by the letters B, B, & Q.

Maybe people are reading this blog. Few, if any are willing to post right now. So I say this is the perfect place to blow the lid off of an amazing conspiracy. Internet historians will no doubt refer to this post as the Ground Zero event that changed the world.

I am referring to the Conspiracy Of Silence perpetrated worldwide by the makers, distributors, and purveyors of barbecue sauce!

What?!? you say, or more likely you stifle a yawn. But think of it, gentle readers, you will without guile plonk down $5.00 or even more for "gourmet-style" BBQ sauce, when you can have excellent quality sauce for half of that money! If you can afford a half-litre of cheap tomato catsup, you can afford to make your own quality BBQ sauce at a fraction of the price of what the stores are charging you. Friends, when you buy BBQ sauce, most times all you are buying is just a fancy label and spicy catsup.

Here's how the consipracy works: the main ingredients for American-style BBQ sauce are tomatoes, water, vinegar, sugar, and spices. Guess what the main ingredients for top-rated BBQ sauce are, you know, the stuff that gets presented with blue ribbons and prestige awards? That's right: tomatoes, water, vinegar, sugar, and spices.

In short, the same components that go into catsup go into BBQ sauce. If you have a bottle of catsup, you can make your own BBQ sauce at home for much less than what you would pay at the store.

Here's a recipe you can follow, and the sauce is out-of-this world! Note that you don't need organic tomatoes or anything like that. The cheaper (i.e. loaded with vinegar, water, and sugar) the catsup you buy, the better off your Conspiracy Buster Barbecue Sauce (CBBQ) will be:

CBBQ SAUCE RECIPE:

1-2 tb butter
1/2 yellow onion, diced finely
1 clove garlic chopped finely
1 cup catsup*
1/4 cup brown sugar, packed well**
1/4 cup cider vinegar***
1 tb spicy mustard****
1 tb Worcestershire sauce *****
1/4 tsp hot pepper sauce ******

(SUBSTITUTIONS:
*For catsup, you can substitute 1/2 cup catsup + 1/2 cup tomato-based salsa
**For brown sugar, you can substitute an equal amount of molasses
***If you don't have cider vinegar, you can make "replacement cider vinegar" with equal parts white vinegar and apple juice, (and optionally wine).
****If you don't have spicy mustard, crappy ordinary bright yellow mustard will do, but it isn't nearly as good. The sooner you wean yourself from crappy ordinary bright yellow mustard, the better!
*****Worcestershire Sauce can be replaced by Basalmic Vinegar; although it's not the same, it's easier to spell.
******Chili powder can be used instead of hot sauce, but you have to be very careful with the amount. Remember that light coloured chili powder is much hotter than dark powder, so only use a pinch at a time.)

1) In a large pan, melt the butter over medium heat. Once the butter has melted, add the onion and stir until the onion starts to brown (5 min). Add the garlic and stir for 1 more minute.

2) Add all of the ingredients EXCEPT THE HOTSAUCE/CHILIPOWDER. Stir frequently. The moment the sauce starts to bubble, turn the heat down to low, and stir. The sauce should just barely bubble. Stir periodically to avoid scorching. The sauce should thicken after 30 minutes of simmering. I also prefer to add 2 SHOTS OF WHISKEY: one goes into the sauce, one goes into me directly.

3) Once the sauce has thickened, take the pan off of the heat. Add the hotsauce/chilipowder. Taste to make sure the flavours are to your liking. Try not to faint from bliss.

4) OPTIONAL: If you like chunky sauce, you can store your sauce or use it right away. If you like smooth sauce, after it cools for a while, you can run it on high through a food processor until smooth.

This recipe will make about 1-1/2 cups of sauce, which is what you get in one of those fancy gourmet bottles. Double the recipe to make more.

Those behind the BBQ Sauce Conspiracy want you to believe that you need fancy ingedients to make quality BBQ sauce. I have demonstrated that you can make the stuff out of what you have in your kitchen. The BBQ Sauce Conspiracy also wants you to believe that home-made BBQ sauce won't keep for long. NOT SO! While it's not a good idea to keep anything in your fridge indefinitely, there's so much acid and sugar in this recipe that bacteria won't easily grow in your sauce. It's safe to refrigerate for 2 weeks, maybe more (I use it up pretty fast, so I can't say beyond that.) Reportedly, BBQ sauce freezes very poorly, so don't put it on ice.

Earl J. Woods said...

My blahg - HIJACKED! Fortunately it's entertaining, and it's all true, even the stuff about ancient Japanese poetry.

Sylvia and I are almost done the thank-you letters. Once those are in the mail, it's back to blahging!

Anonymous said...

If you make and eat the barbecue sauce, I guarantee you will work faster and better than you ever have before. Well, guarantee is a stong word.

If you are not in the mood for BBQ, there's also Coca-Cola Sweet & Sour Pork:

INGREDIENTS:

1 can of coke
2 boneless pork chops (400g total)

Put the chops in the freezer for an hour. With a sharp knife, cut the chops into bite-sized strips. If the meat is almost frozen, it's easier to slice. You don't have to put the meat in the freezer, but for beginners, this helps.

Heat a non-stick pan with a drop of oil. I prefer peanut oil, but any vegetable oil will do, even Pam.

Put the meat in the pan under medium-high heat. Open the can of coke and pour the contents on the meat.

What you will see is a bubbly, boily, brown mess. Strir it with a wooden spoon. DO NOT PANIC! The Coke will eventually boil off. IT WILL NOT LEAVE A STICKY RESIDUE! In fact, as you stir, the reduced Coke will bind to the pork, making it incredibly tender, and also giving it a very mild sweet & sour flavour - very subtle!

When the Coke boils off, the meat should be done: any juices run clear, and if you cut open a piece, there's no pink. Serve immediately with cooked rice or Chinese noodles. Vegetable garnish can include bamboo shoots, baby corn, fresh snow peas, and/or water chestnuts, any of which can be found in the Oriental section of most grocery stores. To serve the veg, simply stir fry it on high heat for a minute or two in a fry pan with a drop of oil.

The reason this recipe works is because the sugar in Coke carmelizes, forming a complex glaze, while the acid tenderizes the meat. French cooking uses a special caramel citrus sauce that you make with corn syrup blended with cider vinegar and/or orange juice. You have to watch the sauce like a hawk, as it will smoke up like a 5-alarm fire, and if the sugar burns, you are in for a miserable time cleaning up.

As it happense, a can of Coke has exacty the same amount of acid and sugar that's called for in caramel sauce, except it's read-made and oh so easy to use. You honestly can't go wrong!

Anonymous said...

THE FIFTH BLOGJACK!

I think my last entry was more of a comment than a blogjack. This will definitely be a blogjack. I know that Earl is super-busy right now, so there's no way he will be able to defend this super-juicy blog at this moment -- Muh hu hu ho ha ha ha haaaa! (Evil laugh!)

Blogjack #5 topic: baseball! But since Earl isn't a big fan of the game (but certainly he isn't a detractor of the sport, either), I've decided to expand on an observation I made to Mrs. Anonymous while we were watching baseball on TV: What Would The World Series Be Like On The Planet Gideon? WARNING: Extreme Star Trek geek content ahead.

------------------------

Welcome back to the Metron Network broadcast of the Planet Gideon World Series. I'm Tim McCarver, and to my right is colour analyst Chancellor Gorkon the Pitiless Eviscerator.

Hi, Tim, my pleasure to be here.

Thanks, Gorkon, and you know, you couldn't ask for a nicer day for a game of ball.

That's right, Tim, let's play two!

Good crowd on hand for the World Series of Baseball for the Planet Gideon...

Indeed Tim, I am told it's standing room only.

We're just waiting for the Gideon Planetary Anthem...

(Music plays: the theme from "Amok Time", where Spock is gonna kill Kirk. Good episode!)

And now that the preliminaries are done, we're ready to play ball.

Absolutely, Tim. First up to bat is Odona of the High Council. Previously, Odona has been known to go for the sacrifice play, let's see if that happens on this at-bat.

Thank you very much, Gorkon. Pitching for the visitors is Garth of Izar. He shakes off the first signal, winds up, and oh, my! He hits a spectator out on the infield!

For sure, Tim! He just uncorked the fastball, and it hit the specator right on the head! Ker-pow!

Thanks for that insight, Gorkon. Play has stopped while we wait for the ambulance to show up to help this poor fan.

That's affirmative Tim, except for one thing: no ambulances on Planet Gideon.

Really?

No doctors, either, Tim.

Huh. Well, how about that. Hey, it looks like things are getting cleared up, and the game is about to resume. Garth of Izar winds up, here's the pitch, looks like a fastball, Odona is swinging... oh, my goodness! Odona has hit another spectator while swinging the bat. The spectator is down. Looks like the Targs will feast well on his corpse tonight, right Gorkon?

Heck, yes, Tim, except for one thing: nobody dies on Planet Gideon.

No fooling?

Honest Injun, Tim. Everyone lives forever. The whole world is just super over-crowded or something.

Whaddayaknow, Gorkon. I guess that would explain why I couldn't find parking out front. In fact, I couldn't even park on the same continent.

You bet, Tim, that's why I used the valet service. Now it looks like they're ready to play.

Okay, Gorkon, you're right on the money. Umpire was talking to the managers. Due to the large numbers of spectators out on the field, it looks like it might be difficult to pitch the ball or swing the bat.

You got that right, Tim. The Gideon players are cautioned not to swing the bat at all, so that they do not hit any more fans.

Here's the play: Garth of Izar winds up, and he delivers the ball to the guy standing there right in fron of him. That guy gives the ball standing next to him. Then that guy gives the ball to the fellow standing next to him...

Was that last one a man, Tim?

Ooo, hard to say, Gorkon. Everyone is wearing the same outfit. The entire planet wears the same one-piece hooded jumpsuit. A planet absolutely covered with people, all wearing one-piece hooded jumpsuits, I wouldn't want to be in the line-up for the bathroom.

Dude looks like a lady, Tim.

Sure, well, SHE passes the ball to the guy standing next to the batter. That guy holds out the ball... Odona looks to swing, but there's no room! Odona lays down a bunt!

There's so many specators out on the field, the ball can't actually touch the ground, Tim.

All too true, Gorkon. The fans are moving the ball through the infield hand to hand. Garth of Izar is trying to make a play, but he can't get to the ball in time, he's blocked by a wall of Odona supporters laying down their bodies in front of the pitcher. The ball is headed towards first base... the ump signals fair ball! Now the fans are handing the ball to the spectators in the outfield. Since the ball hasn't touched the ground, it's still in play. The fielders are trying to run for the ball, but there's just too many people milling about on the field. Now the ball has reached the fence... one of the taller fans has the ball, he reaches up... the ball is over the wall!

It's a bunt home run, Tim! Odona is starting to round the bases now.

Acknowledged, Gorkon. It looks like the ball is... very slowly... heading out of the ballpark.

Yes, via the East Tribble Street exit, Tim. People are just passing the ball hand to hand for this amazing bunt... it still hasn't touched the ground, you know.

You know, Gorkon, I'm just looking at the stat book here. It looks like every baseball game ever played on the Planet Gideon has started off with a bunt home run.

Is that a fact, Tim?

Well, you could look it up, Gorkon.

Tim, the fans are still pretty excited about that amazing hit. While we're waiting for the players to get back to their positions, it looks like the stadium announcer is going to announce the winning number for the 50-50 draw.

I've got my ticket, Gorkon!

Tim, you're never going to win if you buy just one ticket.

Well, you're never going to win if you don't play at all, Gorkon.

I don't think I like that tone of voice, Tim.

I don't need you telling me how to play 50-50, Gorkon. Look, we're getting upset over nothing, here. Let's say if I win, we'll split the pot, okay?

Sounds, good, Tim.

Where are tonight's 50-50 charity proceeds going, Gorkon?

The Planet Gideon is using the 50-50 to save up to buy a gigantic life-size model of a Federation Starship, and then they will lure some hopeless, horny space captain into the model, have him mate with one of the local women, and use him to create a lethal virus that will hopefully wipe out the population.

Didn't they try that with last year's 50-50?

You're so right, Tim, except for one thing. Last year's model was a Klingon battlecruiser. Trouble was, when they were gluing it together, they got glue all over the windows.

Oh, I hate it when that happens, Gorkon. Glue makes the windows look all fogged-up.

Yeah, so they ended up hucking the model into this giant campfire, pretended the ship was trying to get past the Great Barrier Of The Galaxy.

Ooo, I bet that looked cool.

It was awesome, Tim.

Well, they're done reading out the 50-50 number. We didn't win.

Felgercarb, Tim. Would you look at the size of the pot? Q50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,999.50 quartloos. I could retire on that, you know?

I hear you, Gorkon, I hear you. Set up shop on a nice little out-of the way planet, rule it with unwavering fercoity, force the population to bend to my will, separate out the really pretty ones and have them...

Tim, it looks like there's a commotion out by West Tribble Street. I think... yes it is! It's the billions of fans just outside the stadium bringing the ball back!

Well, I think you're wong there, Gorkon, the ball left the stadium travelling east. This one is coming from the west. It's a different ball, Gorkon... yes, it's the ball from last year's World Series! I think the population of Gideon has passed that ball around the circumference of their planet without letting it ever touch the ground, and now after a year of moving the ball hand to hand, it's finally arrived on the other side of the stadium!

Sure, Tim, and here it comes! People are handing the ball through the West Tribble Street Entrance. It's travelling along the concourse... it's on the infield... it's coming up to the pitcher, Garth of Izar. Of Izar reaches out... he's got the ball! He's made the catch, and Odona is out, ending last year's World Series game!

For all those watching this game from home, be sure to stay tuned next year to see how this year's bunt home run turns out. In the meantime, we will leave live Metron Network coverage of the game to bring you the side-splittingly hilarious ancient Human comedy; "The Quiet Earth"...