Thursday, July 16, 2009

10

The following conversation takes place on Thursday night, before a showing of the Woods condo, between 7:40 and 7:50 pm. Events occur in real time.

"Just put some vinegar in the pail, and some hot water."

"Where's the vinegar?"

"Under the sink in a clear bottle."

"Is this it?"

"No."

"Wait, is it in this one that says 'vinegar?'"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me that the bottle says 'vinegar?'"

"I didn't think of it."

"Okay, now what do I do?"

"Pour the vinegar into the pail along with some hot water."

"The whole bottle?"

"NO. This is enough."

"Okay, now just the hot water?"

"No, add some dish soap."

"Wait, you're not supposed to mix chemicals. Besides, you can't wash the floor with dish soap. Dish soap is for dishes. For that matter, vinegar is for French fries."

"JUST DO IT."

"Wait, I have to write this conversation down before I forget it."

...

"EARL! Wash the floors!"

"Just a minute! I'll just be a second!"

"Well hurry up, I have to take a shower and I have to pee..!"

BOOP...BEEP...BOOP...BEEP...BOOP...BEEP

7 comments:

AllanX said...

The spirit of the Bleak House of Blahs lives on.

Anonymous said...

My favourite episode is the one where they discover a container of cooked spaghetti sprinkled with oregano that's been in the back of the fridge for a month.

"That's not oregano!" Classic! That line should be on T-shirts.

Anonymous said...

I remember this like it was yesterday:

I once went grocery shopping with Earl. We were going up and down the aisles, and then all of the sudden Earl stops abruptly.

It was one of those stops you make when your brain gets so filled with issues that you literally forget to move. Earl was absolutely transfixed as a statue.

He was staring at boxes of dry lasagna noodles, his brows furrowed over dark stormy eyes. He had this scowl on his face, unmoving, and his cheeks quickly turned to red. Something was obviously up, and I was getting genuinely concerned that Earl was in some kind of medical distress when he blurts out rather loudly:

"DIRECT-O-FOUR!"

"Wha-at?"

"Direct-o-four! What the HECK does that mean!?" Earl had such a pleading tone to his voice. I am not sure he even said "heck", he might have said "hell".

"It means 'oven-ready'"

Earl looks at me like I am some kind of savant lunatic. I mean that his eyes had this wierd fiery power to them, because for whatever reason we stopped communicating as members of the same species, and he clearly did not understand that. I felt I had to repeat myself.

"Direct au four means oven ready."

"But it says Direct-O-Four!"

"And that means its oven ready."

"What do you mean it's oven ready?"

"Well, you don't have to boil it first, you can just bake it in the oven."

Earl just took off on that in the way some people have when they don't realize that you can see the whites in their eyes all around the pupil, "How... do... you... get... that... from Direct-O-Four?"

This was getting really intense, like playing out the "Who's On First" gag for an audience who was willing to shoot to death the first performer to get a line wrong. It was funny, but I was unsure how Earl was going to come out of this. There was an outside chance of blood and lifetime banishment from the Safeway, or so I was thinking at the time. Earl was chanting "Direct-O-Four" over and over again.

The stock clerks had faced all of the lasagna noodle packages with the French side facing the aisle. The words "Direct Au Four" pretty much mean "direct to the oven".

I don't know what level of French education Earl has, but he got totally stuck on an anglo version of "Direct 04", which spun his cerebral wheels in semantic mud right up to the axles.

I picked up a carton, turned it over to the English side, and showed it to Earl.

"Direct-O-Four means oven ready," he concedes, "So you need to boil a lasagna?"

Oh, boy.

Anonymous said...

"Direct O Four" is hysterical! LMAO...

AllanX said...

Are all you Anonymouses Jeff? I mean, the one ending in "Oh, boy." is a dead giveaway seeing as I actually read that in his voice, but the others? I'm confused.

My word verification is "cladiski".

Earl J. Woods said...

Oh dear, Direct-O-Four. Jeff's account may be slightly exaggerated for effect, but unfortunately I recall the story quite vividly too.

As Jeff As It Gets said...

No, I am not all of the Anonymouses.

I did double post after you, though, Allan. I recalled Direct-O-Four right after making the first post. Sue was asking me what I was typing, and I told her DIRECT-O-FOUR. She said, "Oh!", and no explaination was needed between us. It's one of those inside things about Earl (one of the most complex people I know) that can be condensed into such a short phrase. That will be handy if he wins a Webby, or if we are pressed for time during his celebrity roast:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to say a few words about Earl, but management is telling me that our lease on this auditoreum will run out in five seconds, so: DIRECT-O-FOUR!!!" And the lights lights go out.

Susan also points out I can use the NAME function on Earl's blog. I don't recall this feature being available when Earl got his start. At that time, you needed a Google account to post your name. I've never signed up for that, it seems like a waste for me. The blog admin could have added the NAME feature years ago, and I would never have noticed. I chose Anonymous because it's easier, but now I will make some effort to be more identifiable.