Friday, August 28, 2009

Earl and Sean vs. the Flying Saucers



Boldly by day they came, the saucer-slayers in their sinister ships of silvery steel!

They ravaged the countryside, burned the cities with deadly beams of unstoppable terror!

Greatest weapons of super-science helpless before the awesome might of the menace from beyond!

First there was...

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Then there was...

EARL VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

And now, the greatest shock-spectacle of the silver screen!

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

*********

SCENE ONE. A hot summer day in southern Manitoba. EARL and SEAN are visiting the abandoned farm of their grandparents.

SEAN: It sure is neat to see this place at last.

EARL: Yes, these decaying buildings are a solemn reminder of the fact that one day, death comes to claim us all!

SEAN: Boy, you're gloomy today! Try to enjoy the heat of the sun on your face, the smell of grain, and the memories of a simpler time.

EARL (chuckling): Perhaps you're right. It's just that all this secretive talk about the X-74 project is starting to wear on my nerves.

SEAN: X-74, eh? Isn't that the secret plan to set up a defence against the so-called green men from outer space you government types are so concerned about?

EARL: Apparently it's not so secret as we would have liked! Yes, X-74 involves the fused transmission of microwaves, interspliced into a beam lattice that -

(a low humming can be heard from offscreen)

SEAN: Hold it - what's that?

EARL: I don't hear anything - wait. It's coming from over there.

SUDDENLY, three flying saucers zoom over the farm, shooting ray-beams into the barn and surrounding buildings, which EXPLODE INTO FLAMES!

SEAN: Run!

EARL and SEAN run from the flying saucers. The flying saucers pursue, shooting deadly ray beams at the brothers, which narrowly miss the men, setting the grass on fire!

EARL: The farmhouse basement! It's our only chance!

EARL and SEAN leap into the front door of the farmhouse and down the stairs into the cellar. The flying saucers fire their beams into the house, which EXPLODES in fury!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL OPENING CREDITS

OKR RODEO PICTURES PRESENTS

AN ORVILLE Q. BLISTERSON FILM

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

FILMED IN SCARE-O-SCOPE

STARRING

EARL J. WOODS
SEAN E. WOODS
HOMER BALTHAZAR SHAMBLY
SYLVIA F. BOUCHER
COUNT VLADIMIR R. RAZANKOFF III
SHAKIRA NINA FLORES
ABIGAIL ROSS

AND INTRODUCING

V O L U P T U A

AS HERSELF

**********

SMOKE BILLOWS FROM THE DESTROYED FARMHOUSE. BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF BEATS, HANDS EMERGE FROM THE WRECKAGE, AND TWO BODIES EMERGE, COVERED IN SOOT: EARL AND SEAN.

SEAN: That was close!

EARL: We've got to warn headquarters! But my televisor screen was damaged in the blast!

SEAN: If I knew about X-74, it's a cinch those moon men know about it, too! And they're on their way to destroy it before it becomes a threat to their empire!

EARL: Right!

CUT TO THE INTERIOR OF THE LEAD FLYING SAUCER. VOLUPTUA AND HER SECOND IN COMMAND, MOONTOR, ARE OBSERVING THE MAIN VIEWSCREEN OF THEIR CONTROL SAUCER, LOOKING OUT AT THE DEVESTATION BELOW THEM.

MOONTOR: With those fools Earl and Sean out of the way, our conquest of this pathetic planet is all but assured!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR VIOLENTLY.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such brazen overconfidence has no place aboard my royal flagship!

MOONTOR COWERS.

MOONTOR: A thousand pardons, my mistress!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR AGAIN.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such simpering obsequiousness hs no place aboard my royal flagship!

A BEAT AS MOONTOR TRIES TO FORMULATE A RESPONSE. FORTUNATELY, VOLUPTUA'S ATTENTION IS DISTRACTED BY A FLASHING ALERT-BEEPER ABOVE THE VIEWSCREEN.

VOLUPTUA: Silence! The so-called "secret" bunker that houses X-74 lies just ahead! FIRE THE DESTRUCTOR RAYS!

A CREWMAN PRESSES THE APPROPRIATE BUTTON. A FLASH OF LIGHT FLARES ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE SAUCER, THEN TRANSFORMS INTO A COHERENT BEAM OF DEADLY ENERGY, WHICH LASHES OUT TO VAPORIZE THE BUNKER.

MOONTOR: You've done it, O mighty one!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR.

VOLUPTA: Fool! I don't need yes-men to point out the obvious! Send down a landing party to survey the wreckage! Ensure that the X-74 is destroyed! And kill all survivors!

MOONTOR: Yes, O heavenly one!

*******

EARL AND SEAN FLAG DOWN A PASSING SEDAN, DRIVEN BY A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN. THEY ENTER THE CAR.

SYLVIA (TO EARL): Where to, handsome?

EARL (sternly): No time for flirting, honey! We need to get to the abandoned airfield at Virden, and fast!

SYLVIA: Oh, you mean the abandoned airfield that's really a secret research laboratory?

SEAN: She's got you there, brother.

EARL (nonplussed): Uh - yes! But make it fast, doll - there's no time to lose!

THE CAR SCREECHES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, HEADING FOR THE LAB.

...to be continued..?

4 comments:

Benchmark said...

Earl's at his best when he's nonplussed.

Eagerly anticipating part 2!

Totty said...

Someone else anticipated the same scenario:

http://basicinstructions.net/?p=1161

You're in good company, maybe he has a plan X-75?

Captain Jeff's Mandolin said...

Shakespeare never had any original ideas (well, maybe a few), but look how his stuff turned out.

Like Shakespeare, I predict that in the distant future there will be University-level courses on the works of Earl, while at the same time Scott Meyer's worm-eaten skeleton eventually disintegrates into dust particles resting in some lonely grave.

The only thing I can't figure is if Earl Woods Studies will be presented by the Literature Department, the Political Science Faculty, or in the Abnormal Psychology Class.

NAES said...

FYI, a few of my friends have found your blog & really enjoyed this post. They're hoping for a part II.