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Friday, May 06, 2016

Bitter Litter II: Basil's Revenge

Bitter Litter II: Basil's Revenge

Screenplay.....Earl J. Woods
Directed.....Earl J. Woods

Steven Neumann.....The Robot
Ron Briscoe.....Corpse
Jeff Shyluk.....Basil
Earl J. Woods...Voice of the Artificial Intelligence

1. INT. An apartment and adjoining hallway. A body lies prone with a cord wrapped around its neck. Another body is sprawled across the first. A humanoid ROBOT stands over them, a hammer in hand.

ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.

The ROBOT drags the two men - BASIL and VENGEFUL MAN - out the door and down the hall.

CLOSE SHOT of BASIL's eyes, fluttering open. He appears to have only been stunned by the blow delivered in the first BITTER LITTER film!

BASIL: My head...what...what happened...the brain mother told me...never to be a quitter...Doc...Doc...he shot her...that punk with the ray gun shot her...earrrgghhh!!!!

BASIL wrenches himself from the ROBOT's grasp. The ROBOT drops the CORPSE of the man with the cord around his neck.

ROBOT: Stop. You are trash. You are no longer bitter.

BASIL: No longer bitter? No longer bitter? I'll show you how bitter I am! I still have the brain machine!

BASIL starts turning and twisting dials. The ROBOT stutters and spasms.

ROBOT: Stop! My circuits - you are scrambling them - making my eyes - glitter - flitter -

BASIL: Yeah!? Why don't you tweet about it on Twitter???

ROBOT: Danger! Anachron particles detected! Continuity crisis made possible by mutant machine!


2. INT. OFFICE. A 1990s-era IBM PC sits on a desk. A happy face glows on the green CRT monitor.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world's first and only artificial life form, Doctor! Well, except for your Robot, and it doesn't count because it's just a rhyming murder machine! Aren't humans proved so respectful?

3. INT. HALLWAY. ROBOT and BASIL battle. ROBOT knocks BASIL's glasses off with his hammer.

BASIL: My glasses! I can't see a thing without them! I'm blind as a ba-aaa-aaa--aaaattt!

ROBOT: Now you can change careers and be a pipe fitter. You no longer need to be the witter of us anymore.

BASIL: You're not making seee-eeennn---ssseeee!!!

BASIL, in desperation, throws the brain machine at the ROBOT. The ROBOT's face is smashed and its head explodes.

BASIL: I did it! I killed the Robot! Now who's the quitter, Ma? Now who's the quitter!? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The DIRECTOR appears, carrying the brain machine. He scurries down a dark hallway as he delivers the film's coda:

DIRECTOR: This has been another...Paranoid...Production. 


Jeff Shyluk said...

5. INT. ACADEMY AWARDS. The famous awards show is in progress.

ROBERT DENIRO: And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to... JEFF SHYLUK! You know, this is the first time an Oscar has been awarded to an actor, nay, a visionary, who starred in a couple of shorts no longer than ten minutes put together. But as the world has seen, Mr. Shyluk has opened up new possibilities, new frontiers of artistic expression that will take generations if not eons to surpass.

SHYLUK: Thanks, Bob.

ROBERT DENIRO: I bow before your magnificence.

SFX. (door slamming open, screaming, shouting)

CHAIRMAN OF NOBEL PRIZE AWARDS: Robert De Niro, hold that Oscar! You can't give Jeff Shyluk that Lifetime Achievement Award...

(crowd gasps)

... because WE have to give him OUR Lifetime Achievement Award. See? We welded together all the Nobel medals for Peace, Science, Medicine, and Art to make this really big supermedal, the very first of its kind.

EVA GREEN (in bikini): I love you, Jeff Shyluk!

JEFF'S WIFE (magnificent and gorgeous, to GREEN): That's so nice, dear. But don't you think he's a little out of your league?

(The roof of the theatre comes off, revealing hovering menacing ALIEN MOTHER SHIP)

ALIEN LEADER: Jeff Shyluk, your brave words about never being a quitter have inspired the galaxy. We have arrived just in time...

ROBERT DENIRO: No you haven't.


EVA GREEN: I love you Jeff Shyluk!!

JEFF'S WIFE: Come on sweetie, let's go back to the green room together.

EVA GREEN: They named it after me!

ALIEN LEADER: ... to present to you the Cherished Honour Of All Sentience award. It's the highest accolade ever created in the Universe.

SHYLUK: Thanks. But: hmmm... "Cherished Honour Of All Sentience"... that spells "CHAOS"!

6. EARTH'S MOON explodes

7. SHYLUK: Don't worry, folks, I've got this one. (SHYLUK leaps into the air like Superman, and mates the two halves of the sundered MOON back together)

etc. etc. etc.

See, Earl? See what I did there? Now that's how you write a movie script.

Earl J. Woods said...

Not bad, but it's no Bitter Litter.