Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Tales of Time & Terror #1: Gag Order
All Choked Up
Earl J. Woods, secret agent, crept into the apartment, eyes darting back and forth in search of hidden foes. But there was no one - the secret plans would soon be his.
But suddenly, from out of a dark corner leapt the fiendish Peter Harris, deadly assassin of hate, known colloquially as the Chuckling Choker. Harris vanquished his foes by strangling them from behind, and Earl's eyes goggled as he felt steely fingers close around his hapless neck.
"Ha, ha, ha!" chuckled the perfidous Peter. "I shall choke the life out of you, interfering swine! Dirty spy!"
"GAK!" said Earl. "I'M CHOKING!"
Earl's tongue lolled grotesquely as his tortured lungs wheezed desperately for precious oxygen. But to no avail! The Chuckling Choker's fingers were tight as a vise, squeezing Earl's windpipe into a lethal cinch.
"CAN'T...BREATHE!" Earl thought, "BRAIN...BEING DAMAGED...BY...LACK...OF...SOME...KIND...OF IMPORTANT...GAS...OR LIQUID...SOMETHING LIKE THAT..!"
The Chuckling Choker giggled malevolently, knowing that the spy's gruesome end was near. His victim's eyeballs rolled back in their sockets; his tongue swelled to twice its normal size; and his nostrils flared like the wings of a butterfly caught in a vacuum, as though subjected to cruel experiments by sadistic astronauts.
But then, just as Earl was about to succumb, the Chuckling Choker developed a sudden case of carpal tunnel syndrome - in all ten fingers! The deadly digits sprang open as the maladroit murderer howled in pain.
"Aiieeee!" he screamed. "What is this - my fingers - my precious fingers! THEY ACHE SO!"
Earl, wheezing for breath, staggered into the corner, chest heaving. In between ragged gasps, Earl explained his would-be assassin's fate:
"You...forgot...that with my Chronal Crainium...I can...speed up or slow down...the flow of time! I simply...aged your fingers into infirmity!"
"You...you...you FIEND!" shrieked the Chuckling Choker.
"I believe that's my line," chuckled Earl. "And now - off to turn the temporal tables on more enemies of democracy!"
Closing his fist around his nose, Earl squeezed once, and vanished into the timestream. WHAT MAD ADVENTURES WILL HE HAVE NEXT!?!?