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Thursday, July 19, 2007

From the Archives...

While searching for something else entirely, I stumbled upon an email I wrote to the Bulwer-Lytton "worst first sentence" contest back in 1999. I don't know if any of the three sentences I submitted ever appeared, but for the record, here's the original email...

Dear Professor Rice,

Having enjoyed (?) the various and sundry Dark and Stormy collections, I was delighted to discover that bad writing has found a home on the World Wide Web. While a mere piker in the field myself, I cannot hold back any longer - the clarion call of putrid prose beckons. Here, then, is my first humble offering, from the novel The Shambling Wrath Bean, a story of suspense and intruigue set in the mythical kingdom of Shinbarkia, in the year 20--. It begins:

Barney battled Bob, both boobs boxed betwixt barriers, butts bruised, balls busted, bodies battered, brandishing bottles.

And the second entry, from Rock Savage and the Pinwheel of Doom:

"A turd in the hand is worse than two in the bush," giggled Sabrina Virtue, the wide-eyed but pulchitrudinous sidekick of Rock Savage, sworn enemy of Dr. Cerebellum - Evil Brain in a Jar - and Rock, said turd in hand, sat down heavily, reminding himself never to fall for that particular college prank again.

The third, from Pair of Dice, Lost:

Thrice-whipped, the pale hula hoops of Hades roll on.

There you are, Professor. Enjoy - or grimace. And thank you for years of gut-churningly bad writing. Your compilations have been an inspiration!

Best wishes,

Earl J. Woods

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