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Thursday, January 05, 2017

The Spittoon

Imagine The Spittoon, a shocking new super-villain from Paranoid Productions. The Spittoon commits crimes with the help of a chewing tobacco gimmick; he uses different flavours for different foes and crimes. I picture him wearing a wide-rimmed, flat-topped black hat, one of those capes with little balls hanging from the hem, a bandoleer filled with different kinds of chaw, brown dungarees, a black shirt and black jackboots. A golden spittoon would hang from his belt, one he'd never use because his whole disgusting gimmick is spitting chewing tobacco at his nauseated victims.

When I ruminated on this character at work this afternoon, my colleagues Christa and Diane came up with some additional details: Christa surmises that The Spittoon's secret identity is that of a bitter dentist, while Diane suggested, quite brilliantly I thought, that The Spittoon would have social media accounts with which he would mock his victims and enemies. For example, his Instagram account would be full of shots of the people and places he's stained with chewing tobacco. #spittingmad #chaw-kitup2XP

You get the idea. 


Sean Woods said...

Can he also have specialized tobacco 'rounds'? E.g. explosive tobacco, corrosive tobacco, etc.

Earl J. Woods said...


Jeff Shyluk said...

Gut-Puncher, the feisty German former aircraft mechanic who discovered awesome super strength from mistakenly drinking radioactive Oktoberfest beer, but who can only apply that strength by punching people in the gut for the sake of Good, punches The Spittoon in the gut just as The Spittoon is about to launch his signature Doom Wad, at... I don't know? A nun? A group of fuzzy yellow ducklings? A Salvation Army marching band?

Well, Gut-Puncher hits The Spittoon square in the stomach, forcing him to involuntarily consume his Doom Wad. Boom!

"Ja, das ist 'gut'!"