Total Pageviews

Tuesday, July 09, 2024

The Way I Consume Eggo Waffles

Today I had a couple of Eggo waffles for breakfast. As is my usual method, I ate each waffle by nibbling off the rounded edges, leaving behind a square grid of waffle cells. I then ate a row of squares from each edge, leaving a smaller square, and so on and so on until I swallowed the last cell.

Does anyone else eat their waffles this way? 


Totty said...

I used to do it that way, but then I deliberately stopped and made a point of not being so methodically anal about it and now make a point of just cutting arbitrary slices, usually not along the grid.

Jeff Shyluk said...

If I didn't know you for so long, I'd consider that a friendship-ender. I had no idea.

The pieces are roughly the maximum size of what can contain the most syrup and still fit into my mouth without me having to make that "Mmmyonk" noise. Not that I've thought about it until now. I do appreciate your dedication to fine detail, though. The world needs more of that.

I do have one pancake/waffle foible. I consider that using a knife means the food is of the worst quality. No knife should be needed to cut a pancake or a waffle. Not using a knife means that there are no straight cuts, which is something I've never considered.

Thanks to you, however, now I eat Rolos like little barrels, something else I've never done before. What's next? Spaghetti wrapped around the uvula? Duelling peas that race up parallel nostrils. I've done the peanut-in-the-ear thing, it's not at all satisfying.

Jeff Shyluk said...

"Well, I did ask for that," Captain Woods sighed, "But you've confirmed the worst. Thank you for your report, Commander."

The ready room of the USS Encounter resembled a council of war. Civilian keepsakes were swept off to one side to make room for tactical charts and operations manuals. Standing respectfully to one side, Commander Kulysh resumed frowning: this was his most natural expression. The other officers who were seated around the long table dutifully awaited orders from their Captain.

Woods examined the known data. The USS Johnsonville was trapped. Her distress signal Class One left no doubt that if rescue were impossible the entire crew would perish. Woods had spared no time or energy to place Encounter at the closest edge of the peril.
What was it exactly? A defensive field? An energy wake? A sentient being the size of a small planet? It was round like a planet, but flat as a disk. Improbable in deep space, grid-like markings as big as continents criss-crossed the thing, no doubt attracting the scientific curiosity of the Johnsonville much as the science team on Encounter was intrigued. The difference was that Encounter remained safely on the outside, while Johnsonville was ensnared in the very center of the entity.

Sensors were baffled. Communcations yielded no response. Posturing with the ship - Woods had tried exposing the fragile underbelly of Encounter to see if he could elicit a response - did nothing. Yet Johnsonville remained in place, life support systems draining to minimums.
The last remaining option was the use of force, which Woods ordered with great reluctance. Concentrated phaser fire did blast away part of the material trapping Johnsonville, but when Woods called for the guns to stop the alien grid regenerated.

"There must be something we can do," Woods said.

Commander Kulysh shook his head. "If we fail to undertsand the nature of this phenomenon, then we must prepare for the eminent loss of the Johnsonville."

"Damn your logic!" Woods paced the length of the table, furious. At the far end was the welcoming slot hatch for the ready room food replicator. "Waffle, Eggo, hot," Woods intoned.
With a pleasant chime, the replicator produced the Captain's waffle. He bit into it, steadfast in concentrating on nibbling off the round outer edge so that the waffle became a square. Then, Woods proceeded to gnaw off one straight edge of the snack, and then the other. The square thus was reduced into its final orthogonal bite. Captain Woods examined the morsel between his thumb and forefinger before popping it in his mouth. "Yummy!"

Jeff Shyluk said...

The officers all watched this performance in open-mouthed silence.

"What?" asked Captain Woods, licking his fingers before brushing them dry discretely on the leg of his dark uniform pants. "Does anyone else want waffles? I can make some, if you like."

"Did you see what you just did?" Commander Kulysh demanded.

"I ate my waffle," said Woods. "Ohhh, oh my goodness! I see now: how can I possibly enjoy a waffle when the Johnsonville is over there unable to even replicate air let alone food. Gosh, that was terribly insensitive, wasn't it?"

Kulysh was very, very careful with his next words. "No, sir. That's not it at all. I believe you have discovered the pattern to disable the trap that holds Johnsonville at bay. You, sir, are a magnificent genius. A GENIUS!!!"

The enthusiasm of Kulysh overwhelmed his almost completely unflappable demeanor, and he could not help shrieking out his final thought. The other officers stood in unison and applauded loudly.

Captain Woods knew better to say "I am?" or "What did I do?". He was expert at delegating responsibility, and within moments Kulysh had developed an attack pattern that sent phaser fire dancing along the perimeter of the giant space waffle, cutting it down row by column until the final square remained. A well-placed tractor beam freed Johnsonville from the remnants of the space waffle, and the day was saved.

Later, the crews of both ships gathered to celebrate their victory. They all recounted the looming dangers of their adventure together and marvelled at how friendship and cooperation had saved the Johnsonville from certain doom.

"Good thing it wasn't a giant space pancake," Commander Kulysh commented.

"And there wasn't any syrup!" laughed Woods. The assembled officers and enlisted crew shared a roaring laughter in response.

"Next time," ruminated the interdimensional malevolent overbeing from their dark matter throne of evil, "Next time there will be syrup aplenty for you to deal with, my dear Captain Woods. And it will be blueberry..."

Earl J. Woods said...

As soon as I read the first sentence, I knew that Captain Woods was going to expose the Encounter's underbelly. Damn you, Captain Wolverine!

Jeff Shyluk said...

What would happen if Captain Woods gained command of one of those starships that are symmetrical and look the same upside down as right side up? No underbelly. A quandary!