Finger Puppet Star Trek: The Motion Picture

One evening in mid 1992, members of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club, riding high on the success of their 1991 film, Finger Puppet Casablanca, decided to create their magnum opus: Finger Puppet Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Submitted for your approval: actual video captures of scenes from the original Paramount film, and their Paranoid Productions counterparts.

First, the players:

Ron Briscoe as Mr. Spock


Jeff Shyluk as Dr. McCoy, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, and Scotty


Susan Neumann as Lt. Uhura

Carrie Humphrey as Admiral James T. Kirk


Earl J. Woods as the voice of Admiral James T. Kirk


As the film opens, Klingon citizens respond to a threat on their frontier: a gigantic space cloud of immense energy. Here's the scene as realized by legendary director Robert Wise:

Mark Lenard as the Klingon captain







And here's the scene as realized by "nearly famous" director Earl J. Woods:

The finger of Jeff Shyluk as the Klingon captain.


Incoming energy bolt!
The Klingons are destroyed by the cloud. Meanwhile, on planet Vulcan, Spock, retired from Starfleet, feels the cloud's presence, even from light years away. He feels the touch of raw, vast emotion, and realizes that he can never reach the final level of the Vulcan ritual of Kohlinahr: the ultimate purging of all emotion, and the attainment of perfect logic.


Spock feels the touch of...V'ger.


Ron Briscoe as Mr. Spock, pondering his failure to achieve Kohlinahr.

On Earth, the Federation becomes aware that the space cloud is heading for Earth. Robert Wise treats us to a spectacular vision of the San Fransisco of the future:


Starfleet Command
Not having Robert Wise's budget, we had to settle for a static shot of a calendar page that happened to sport a photo of the Golden Gate bridge.


Eat Your Heart Out, Douglas Trumbull

Admiral Kirk learns about the threat, and he is determined to take the Enterprise out to meet the cloud. He informs Commander Sonak, his Vulcan science officer, of his intentions.


Sonak and Kirk


Finger Puppet Sonak and Kirk
Sonak dies in a transporter accident, a scene we neglected to film (we also forgot to mention - or film - two very important characters, Commander Will Decker and Lieutenant Ilia).

Undeterred by tragedy - and the lack of a science officer - Captain Kirk pushes his crew and his ship hard, triggering an imbalance in the matter-antimatter flow of the engines and sending the ship into a wormhole!

Wormhole!


Finger Puppet Wormhole!


Scotty frets over his wee poor bairns.


They canna take much more 'o this!
Lucky for Kirk (and his crew, and planet Earth, and all that is wholesome and good in the universe), Mister Spock turns up to help out. He'll fix those engines!

Spock returns!

Finger Puppet Spock Returns!

The crew reacts!

Finger Puppet Crew Reacts!

Spock fixes the engines, and the Enterprise cautiously intercepts the cloud. Kirk and McCoy see that Spock has changed, both by his experiences on Vulcan and his communication with the cloud. They wonder if Spock can be trusted...


Kirk and McCoy wonder if Spock is off his rocker.

Kirk and McCoy hope Spock hasn't gone off the deep end.

Attempts at communication yield mixed results; they learn that the cloud is a living entity called V'ger. Mister Spock, eager to know more, enters V'ger's inner chambers in a spacesuit.


Deeper into V'ger

Finger Puppet Spock Walk.
Spock returns from his walk, and informs Admiral Kirk that V'ger is an awesome intelligence...but one whose soul is somehow hollow. V'ger informs Kirk that he will destroy Earth, unless "the creator" answers his calls for communication. Kirk figures out that as a representative of humanity, he might be able to respond. V'ger extends a "space drawbridge" and an oxygen-gravity envelope, so that Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and the "Ilia probe" (an android replacement of an Enterprise crewmember created by V'ger) may commune directly with the space cloud.


Understanding V'ger.

Low-budget climax.
Kirk discovers that V'ger is, in fact, the evolutionary product of an old Earth space probe: Voyager 6. V'ger, in a desperate quest for its creator, demands communion with humanity, and Commander Decker agrees to merge with V'ger, in the person of the Ilia probe.


Decker and Ilia/V'ger merge

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock watch as Decker makes the ultimate sacrifice.
After Decker and V'ger merge, the Enterprise soars free of the cloud, which vanishes in a spectacular shower of light, moving to a higher plane of existence - beyond logic, beyond emotion, beyond humanity. The crew ponders what they have just witnessed...


After the delivery.


Birth of a new life form.


Unique production still of Ron Briscoe and Carrie Humphrey getting into character.

Our finger puppet epic was created with a few important resources: the voice talents of the cast, the dexterity of their fingers, Jeff Shyluk's peerless drawing ability, and Jeff and Susan's ability to create all the sets out of construction paper, Saran wrap, a box of tissue paper, and various household odds and ends. Video effects were created by pointing the video camera at its monitor, which caused visual feedback that simulated Douglas Trumbull's groundbreaking vistas of V'ger.

As usual, my cast (often rounded up against their better judgement) had to put up with physical and emotional discomfort. In order to cram all the characters into a very tiny set, the actors had to crowd together on the floor and thrust their fingers through the set bottoms. This led to some pretty excruciating gymnastics, and the source video is punctuated with cries of "MY LEG!" "I CAN'T BREATHE!" "WHAT'S MY LINE?" "WAIT, THAT'S CHEKOV, NOT SULU!"

Nine more Star Trek movies to finger puppetize...who's in?

William Shatner's Next Project

I think William Shatner, the 21st century's King of Irony, should consider this. Bill, for your next project, I'd like you to cover Right Said Fred's hit single, "I'm Too Sexy."

I've heard you sing it many times in my head since I came up with idea last week, and I can't wait to hear if your interpretation is as spellbinding as it sounds within the echoing depths of my fevered brain.

Please, Bill - do it for me, and for the people of our bewildered Earth.

I'm too sexy for the Shat - how sexy is that?

How I Spent My Solstice Vacation

In a couple days I start my new job, so it seems appropriate to report on some of my activities since leaving Hole's back in October.


Caught in the act of housekeeping.

Naturally, I spent some time catching up on a few unfamiliar activities, including helping Sylvia with the laundry.


Jeff, Colin and Pete prepare for another round of violent role-playing.

I had plenty of free time for social activities, participating in a number of healthy roleplaying sessions. (During this particular adventure, we had to slaughter several astronauts who were possessed by evil alien beings.)


After seeing King Kong.

Sylvia and I took in a few movies, both at home and at the theatre. I really enjoyed King Kong, particularly the New York sequences and the magnificently staged climax, while Sylvia found the extensive CGI distracting.


Sylvia and the goat.

On Christmas Eve, our friends Colin and Julie were kind enough to invite us over to their acreage for snacks and companionship. There, Sylvia was introduced to this charming baby goat.


Too much cuteness can cause acute nausea.

...no, we are not getting a goat.


Sylvia rips open her presents.

Later that evening, we travelled to Sylvia's parents' place to open some Christmas presents.


Beware falling wrapping paper.

The following morning, we repeated the task at my parents' abode.


Earl prepares for the New Year's Eve gathering.

Sylvia and I decided that we should try to host some sort of event this year, which gave me a reason to vacuum.


Woods Bros. Representin', Yo!

Sean came over to help.


Battle of the Seans!

Sean was beside himself before the event.


Sylvia looks on in horror as Sean gulps down a whole bottle of champagne!

But a little liquid courage went a long way.


Earl and Sylvia pose (photo by Sean Woods).

Sylvia and I were looking forward to a better year. 2005 was a little rough, from Lois' passing to family health problems to my own career changes.


Sean catches a bubble (photo by Mike Totman).

With the right attitude, however, such challenges can be overcome.


More tomfoolery in 2006!

Our friends Carl and Suzanne, Mike, and Jim and Marcia joined Sean and Sylvia and I for the passing of one year to the next, and while the gathering was small, I think everyone had a good time. I know I certainly did!

Sylvia and I have resolved to have more fun in 2006, and to respond more effectively to crises. I thought perhaps we might use our place to host Cranium tournaments, so watch this space for dates and times!

Christmas with the Infidels

An Infidel Christmas - Click to Embiggen!

Last night I headed out to Avenue Pizza to meet up with some of Alberta's Internet Infidels, members of a secular message board community. From left we have Jason, Ross, Keri, Dwayne, Carmelita, Terri, Vince, and my old friend from high school and university, Daryle Tilroe.

It was an entertaining evening - the conversation covered politics, foreign films, vegetarianism, peer to peer filesharing, and, naturally religion (or lack thereof).

Whenever I see Daryle, I can't help but remember our time together on the Leduc Composite High School newspaper. I was the editor, and Daryle did a lot of the layout and press work. Often, we wound up working pretty late in the school's Vis Comm lab, long after school hours. On one of those occasions, Daryle dropped a very heavy inkwell from the offset press onto his big toe - I could only look on in helpless horror as he hopped around on one foot, shrieking obscenities.

Poor Daryle. But, as they say, you can't put a paper to bed without spilling some ink - or even a little blood.

SYLVIA NEEDS EGGS

Eggs for You Happy Smile Time Super Sasquatch Variety Show!

Sylvia Boucher stars in "Eggs for You Happy Smile Time Super Sasquatch Variety Show!"

She receives eggs with many smiles! Helper man delivers with speed, steam rises! Eggs boiled to perfection! Smashed open and served on a hot toast spread into the form of a waffle! Cut slice the toast, mash fork handsomely!

The Earliad Historical Archive: Entry #221B

Earl J. Woods, circa 1985

For the past several months, I've been scanning my photographs into the computer, in chronological order. And in doing so, I have rediscovered an important artifact: the first (and possibly only) known photograph of Earl J. Woods offering the Vulcan salute, sometime during grade 10. I believe I still have the pencil case seen atop my open locker.

Q

Don't get stuck with Q
In the final round of a game of Scrabble

Don't get stuck with Q
On a starship if it's run by rabble

Don't get stuck with Q
When he's proud of his gadgets and wants to babble

Don't get stuck with Q
When it's a winged serpent who wants to dabble
In dining on that human rabble
Who while away the hours with babble
And stalemates at games of Scrabble

New Job!

Just a quick note to say that starting January 4th, I'll be joining the Alberta Liberals as Communications Coordinator! I'm extremely excited about this, and look forward to helping bring about the political change that our province so desperately needs. Woo woo! It's going to be a fascinating experience and an invigorating challenge.

Vixens of V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E.

Finished and posted another movie, the first adventure of the Vixens of V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E. (Voluptuous Individuals Of Libidinous Extraction Now Combatting Evil). (Although I screwed up the acronym in the film, darn it.)

UPDATE: The Movies Online has been shut down and the film is no longer available.

Why Hast He Forsaken Thee?

If you've been following my brother Sean's blog, you already know that he stuck his finger into a live electrical outlet and wound up shocking himself. Not since I attempted to pull a roast out of a searing hot oven with my bare hands has a member of Woods Bros. done something so silly, but what I really found amusing was Sean's later comment that "By that point, not even God himself could have stopped me from sticking my finger in that socket."

It made me wonder: what was keeping God so busy that he couldn't prevent one foolish human from sticking his finger in a live plugin?

Maybe he was caught up at Cain's parole hearing. Maybe he was in the bathroom. Maybe god is omniscient, but not omnipotent, aware of Sean's problem but powerless to stop it. Or maybe he's omnipotent but not omniscient, perfectly capable of preventing Sean from shocking himself, but unaware of the predicament. Maybe god has a perverse sense of humour and enjoys watching people shock themselves. Maybe God himself was the electrical outlet, and wanted to personally punish Sean for past sins. Maybe God wanted to give Sean super powers, but wasn't sure if Sean would use them for good, or for Awesome and so changed his mind at the last second.

Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.

Anyway, I'm glad Sean wasn't electrocuted.

Earl Goes to the Movies

I picked up the new game The Movies a few days ago, and I've finally put something together I'm willing to post online. It's called Chaucer and the Saucer, and it asks the ages-old question, "what would happen if English writer Geoffrey Chaucer were kidnapped by aliens?"

Check it out on The Movies webpage at this address.

UPDATE: The Movies Online has been shut down, and the films are no longer available.

The Fickle Finger of Fame

Yesterday I had an errand to run downtown and I wound up getting captured on film by a photographer for the Edmonton Sun. I was feeding coins into a parking meter without realizing that a large billboard of Darth Vader was looming behind me, as if making sure I was contributing sufficient change.

The photo ran in today's Sun. Obivously I can't post it here, but it's an amusing enough shot if you care enough to pick up the tabloid today.

In lieu of that photograph, here's one I shot while fooling around yesterday.



UPDATED!
See the photo online at the Edmonton Sun. Thanks to Susan Neumann for bringing this to my attention.