From the Archives...

While searching for something else entirely, I stumbled upon an email I wrote to the Bulwer-Lytton "worst first sentence" contest back in 1999. I don't know if any of the three sentences I submitted ever appeared, but for the record, here's the original email...

Dear Professor Rice,

Having enjoyed (?) the various and sundry Dark and Stormy collections, I was delighted to discover that bad writing has found a home on the World Wide Web. While a mere piker in the field myself, I cannot hold back any longer - the clarion call of putrid prose beckons. Here, then, is my first humble offering, from the novel The Shambling Wrath Bean, a story of suspense and intruigue set in the mythical kingdom of Shinbarkia, in the year 20--. It begins:


Barney battled Bob, both boobs boxed betwixt barriers, butts bruised, balls busted, bodies battered, brandishing bottles.


And the second entry, from Rock Savage and the Pinwheel of Doom:

"A turd in the hand is worse than two in the bush," giggled Sabrina Virtue, the wide-eyed but pulchitrudinous sidekick of Rock Savage, sworn enemy of Dr. Cerebellum - Evil Brain in a Jar - and Rock, said turd in hand, sat down heavily, reminding himself never to fall for that particular college prank again.

The third, from Pair of Dice, Lost:

Thrice-whipped, the pale hula hoops of Hades roll on.

There you are, Professor. Enjoy - or grimace. And thank you for years of gut-churningly bad writing. Your compilations have been an inspiration!

Best wishes,


Earl J. Woods

Droplights

Don't forget to click to embiggen.

It's No Joke

Sylvia just phoned to tell me that her on-call doctor at Grandview is none other than...

Dr. Spock.

I feel much better about this whole affair now.

And as if That Weren't Enough...

Just as I was pulling into my parking spot last night, returning home from a visit with Sylvia, my brother called my cell.

"I have some exciting news," he said.

"Oh?"

"Jeff and I just got rear-ended."

Jeff being Jeff Pitts, professional catastrophe magnet. Both Jeff and Sean are bruised but unbroken - in fact, Jeff laughed it off with a "I can't believe Earl missed this!"

Where's that other shoe? Zounds.

Achy Breaky Leg

On July 3, Sylvia and I arrived home from work simultaneously, a reasonably rare occurence. We took the elevator up to our condo together, started down the hall, and as I was unlocking the door Sylvia fell down in just the wrong way and broke her tibia in three places.

I called 911. The ambulance took at least a half hour to arrive - emergency services in Aberta's major cities often experience such delays thanks to growth pressures. We were taken to the Royal Alex, then waited in the hallway with the paramedics for a couple of hours, Sylvia trying to manage the incredible pain as best she could. A doctor - or was it a nurse? - my memory probably isn't to be trusted - put on a splint. Then they called orthopedics. X-rays were taken, we moved from room to room, and by three in the morning, Sylvia had a proper bed in section 32. I arrived home at four, got a couple of hours sleep, then headed back to the hospital.

Sylvia was still on the waiting list for emergency surgery; they had to put a rod in her tibia to properly fix the break. More than a day later, the operation was done, and done well; the doctors expect a full recovery, though it's going to take a couple of months. Now Sylvia is recuperating at Grandview, undergoing physiotherapy. She'll probably be there at least a couple of weeks, though she's determined to get out sooner.

Fortunately, the health care professionals at the Alex and at Grandview have been superb. Sylvia's received excellent care, and I'm very grateful to everyone who has helped her recover thus far.

As might be expected, Sylvia's emotions are bouncing up and down a little at this point. But she's exceptionally brave and tough, two qualities that attracted me to her in the first place. The wedding is going ahead as planned, though we might have to make some different arrangements for Sylvia's walk down the aisle...she was thinking of getting one of those man-portable things that Cleopatra rode around in (at least in popular fiction). At least it'll fit into the movie theme...

(Sylvia gave me her blessing to blog about this bit of news; it just didn't feel right to blithely write about comic books or Star Trek after a serious accident like this.)

Logdriver's Waltz

In honour of Canada Day, I present what I believe should be our second official national anthem: The Log Driver's Waltz.

Queen of the Road

So a few days back I was asked if I'd volunteer to take some photographs of Kevin and a few carefully chosen models for this year's tour van. I'm no professional, but some of the shots turned out pretty well, and one of them was actually used for one side of the van. Even better, Sylvia came out to the shoot since she's done some modelling in the past, and made the final cut. So this summer she'll be touring the province, larger than life, on the side of Kevin's van.

Hail Naes!

From: Earl J. Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 8:37 PM

To: Sean Woods

Subject: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

http://video.scifi.com/player/?id=123885

From: Sean Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 9:09 PM

To: 'Earl J. Woods'

Subject: RE: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I will watch this, no matter how horrible it is.

Hopefully it has dialogue that compares to that of the 1980 film.

“Congratulations, Flash – you’ve saved your Earth. Have a nice day.”

From: Earl J. Woods

Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 9:24 PM

To: 'Sean Woods'

Subject: RE: FLASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Premieres the day before the wedding…what kind of omen is that?

From: Sean Woods

Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 5:09 PM

To: 'Earl J. Woods'

It disgusts me that you do not know the answer to this question. Very well, I will provide you with the meaning of the release date.

It OBVIOUSLY means that you need to hire a Ming stand-in that will make the crowd believe that Sylvia is being forced to marry him against her will. The vows to be used will be pulled directly from the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. When Sylvia gives the answer “I will NOT” to Ming’s vows/proposal, you will crash through the wall/windows/doors in your Corolla, which incidentally will be rigged to look like War Rocket Ajax. The crowd will scatter, and you will get out of the Corolla/WR Ajax and say “Forget it Ming, Sylvia’s with me!” You will push “Ming” to the ground, Dad will kick him in the ribs (in true Bob Woods fashion), and the wedding will commence as “normal.”

There. I’ve planned your wedding.

Never-Before-Published Mad Science Adventure!

Back in the 90s, I wrote a few comic strips for Prairie Jam, a publication of ESPA, the Edmonton Small Press Association. This is the last strip, gorgeously illustrated by Michael Gushue, never publicly revealed...until now! Don't forget to click to embiggen.

Supernatural Deal

Last winter, tickets for DJ Fresh Christ were selling for less than 50 bucks! Can't pass up a heavenly deal like that..

Subtle Superhero Subtext

Why does Nemesis react so poorly to the other hero's friendly gesture? It seems like there's something else going on here, something I can't quite put my finger on.

The Plot to Review the Plot to Save Socrates

Some time ago, I wrote a brief review of John Scalzi's Old Man's War. (Read the review at http://earljwoods.blogspot.com/2007/02/young-mans-fancy-old-mans-war.html. )

Author Paul Levinson left a short blahgthering on the review, and in response I mentioned that I'd been wanting to read his well-reviewed time travel tale, The Plot to Save Socrates, for some time.

That time has come - and without even meaning to, I've used the word "time" three times - whoops, now four - before even mentioning that the book's plot device, which drives the plot of The Plot to Save Socrates, is, you guessed it, time travel.

I love time travel stories. There's something compelling about the human desire to slip beyond our minute-by-minute existence and either correct an imperfect past or steal an advance glimpse of our tomorrows.

Levinson treats us to both in The Plot to Save Socrates. In brief, an American grad student runs across a never-before-seen Socratic dialogue, a dialogue that seems to hint that Socrates was, just before his execution, visited by a time traveller. From that starting point, an appealling cast of characters from ancient Greece to the mid-21st century tries to solve the enigma of the dialogue. Who wrote it? To what purpose? And is it possible that Socrates can be saved?

Like many time travel novels, the questions of paradox, predestination, fate and the urge to fight it loom large in Levinson's work. In fact, the philosophy of time travel has rarely been so thoroughly explored - Levinson can't resist having the father of philosophy himself weigh in on the debate, and Socrates' musings alone are worth the read.

Levinson's prose is clear, concise, and a pleasure to read, something he has in common with Scalzi, McDevitt and Haldeman, the three authors I mentioned in the review Levinson commented on. And thank goodness, because the novel's plot is rather Byzantine, with characters hopping back and forth through time and shifting points of view in both time, space and identity. A solid prose style combined with excellent storytelling ability is a rare thing, and made The Plot to Save Socrates a real pleasure to read.

I do have one small quibble. A significant subplot involving the ultimate fate of one of the leads was wrapped up "offscreen," as it were, resolved in narration rather than shown. I suppose I didn't need to be force-fed the resolution, but I was curious...

On the whole, though, The Plot to Save Socrates is worth a read because it raises the philosophical and moral questions of time travel in a new and interesting way. Is it morally correct to attempt to change history - even "for the better?" Does free will really exist, or is it an illusion? Levinson asks some pointed questions about Socrates' legacy too, and if you're a casual student of philosophy like me, you'll find the discussion fascinating.

Dooley Elected?

On Saturday, June 9, I headed down to Drumheller-Stettler to support Tom Dooley, Alberta Liberal candidate for today's by-election. Tom is a stand-up guy; he's already a committed public servant, and a very warm, approachable, caring person. Rural Alberta is still pretty hostile territory for Liberals of any stripe, but Tom ran a great campaign and people in the riding have responded very positively to his genuine manner. Polls close in a few minutes, so we'll see to what degree his work - and the work of the dozens of volunteers who came out to help his campaign - has paid off.

The last time I campaigned for a candidate was back in 1986; I volunteered for Don Sparrow, the PC candidate for Leduc. (I was 17, and hadn't yet realized that conservative values are not my values.) It was a very different experience this time around, campaigning from the opposition side, and particularly in Stettler, where conservatism is, according to conventional wisdom, king. No one spat in my face, but there were a few pretty coolly polite responses.

On the other hand, there was certainly an undercurrent of discontent with the current government, and I found more Alberta Liberal voters than I thought I would. So perhaps the political ground is shifting. (We'll find out shortly.)

At one house, a huge dog, as tall as I was, leapt onto me, paws on my shoulders, tongue in my face. But, surprising myself, I was able to continue my schpiel. Dogs of that size usually scare the jeepers out of me, but somehow I managed to step outside and away from those emotions and focus on the job at hand.

It felt like a positive step. Of course, I did wind up with a pretty swollen right eye, thanks to my allergies. (A couple of fellow volunteers worried that perhaps someone had punched me.)

7:57 - time to see if Tom (and Craig Cheffins, our candidate in Calgary-Elbow) will be joining us in the Legislature.

UPDATE: Well, with 71 of 71 polls reporting, it looks like the PC's Jack Hayden has emerged victorious, with 58% of the vote; Tom placed second, with 14%.

FURTHER UPDATE: On the bright side, it looks like Mr. Cheffins has won in Calgary-Elbow, with 75 of 77 polls reporting; he's leading 45% to 38%. Considering this is former Premier Klein's old riding, that's a pretty satisfying result.

Geek Dojo Master Supreme Excellence of Happy Pop Culture Time Celebrates 40 Years Pineapple Show

Earlier this month, we celebrated Stephen Fitzpatrick’s 40th birthday. Since I’ve known Stephen for over 20 years now, this seems an opportune time to offer tribute.

I’ve known Steve since high school. We met, to the best of my recollection, while serving on Student Council; I was the Grade 10 Representative, and I believe he was the Vice-President…I’m sure Steve will step in to correct me. I liked Stephen right from the start, even though we weren’t much alike on the surface; he was outgoing where I was introspective, he was tall and I was short, he seemed like the least neurotic person I’d ever met, while I felt like I was drowning in teenage angst every moment. Steve was a breath of fresh air.

Stephen Fitzpatrick and Earl J. Woods, back row, right.

Stephen is a very gregarious guy, one of the most fun and fun-loving people I’ve ever met. When Stephen discovers something he loves, he shares it with his friends. And I’ve benefited from that generosity from the beginning. Steve’s impulse to share introduced me to a wide variety of important pop culture touchstones. Steve has long been on the cutting edge of this stuff; without his guidance, I might not have become the geek I am today. Stephen introduced me to...

Moonlighting. It was quite possibly the best television drama/comedy of the 1980s, with terrific writing, inventive direction, and the most engaging leads ever to grace the screen. This was smart TV, and helped me fall in love with the medium.

Crisis on Infinite Earths. I was at that age when I thought that I’d grown too old for comics, but Steve told me that I had to check this out – they’d killed the Flash! And Supergirl! I thought he was nuts – superheroes didn’t die. At the very least, they didn’t stay dead. But Steve drove me up to a comic shop in Edmonton – I don’t recall the name, only that it belonged to a guy named Jim – and I caught up on the Crisis, got hooked on the reimagining of Superman, and collected comics for the next twenty years or so, before I finally realized I was spending more on the hobby than I was paying in rent. My pocketbook may not be too happy with Stephen, but I’m grateful for the endless hours of entertainment.

Science fiction conventions. I knew they existed, but I’d never been to one until Steve drove a group of us down to Con-Version II in Calgary. There’s something very liberating about dressing up like a fool and trading obscure inside jokes while racing from panel discussions to the dealers’ tables to the movie room, all while enduring the befuddled stares of less addled folk. Steve and I even shared a costuming prize one year – he was a Klingon accountant, I was the Starfleet officer tasked to deal with him.

Stephen Fitzpatrick in cosume as...I'm not sure what.

Stephen as a dog soldier, I think, second from left

New tabletop roleplaying games. To wit, the Star Trek RPG (naturally) and Villains & Vigilantes. Villains and Vigilantes was a great game, with a novel conceit: you played yourself, but with super-powers. We had a blast uprooting telephone poles to use as clubs, foiling bank robbers, and surviving nuclear catastrophe.

John Carpenter Movies. Stephen introduced me to John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing and Big Trouble in Little China – two very different, but equally awesome films. The first is one of the most bleak and chilling SF/horror pictures ever made, while the second is one of my favourite comedies. John Carpenter’s filmography is pretty uneven, but these are masterpieces of the genre, and I’m grateful Steve brought the director to my attention.

So with all that preamble out of the way, let’s enjoy a few pictures of the party. Here’s to your first 40 years, Stephen!

Stephen is sure to enjoy this fine bottle of...cat's piss?

The "Hawaii Four-Oh" theme encouraged loud partying and loud shirts.

Even though fire, alcohol, tools and skipping ropes were all present at the party, Jeff managed not to hurt himself.

Colin, Audrey and Scott look on as Stephen delivers a rousing speech (edited for content and length)

I liked the indoor palm tree, so Stephen was kind enough to take this photo of Sylvia and me.

Pete hammers a coconut, presumably so he can put a lime in it.

Mike sculpts. From the expression on his face, I'm not sure I want to know what horrors he hopes to coax from the clay.

Heather and Jeff, just because it's a nice picture. Except for the branch sticking out of Jeff's head...I'd like to pretend that Jeff merely had another accident, but in this case it's just my bad composition.

Pinnacle of Evolution

Earl J. Woods at Dinosaur Provincial Park, Drumheller; May 31, 1987. Photo by Jeff Crozier.

While looking through photo albums for another project, I found this gem. I'm not sure what I was doing...complaining about the heat, perhaps? This was taken on a school field trip to the Tyrell Museum in Drumheller. Timely, since Friday's Edmonton Journal noted that some creationists are building an alternative, anti-evolution museum in Big Valley. Come to think of it, this image would serve nicely as my reaction shot when I heard the news...

Woods World of Sports: Flowerpot Throw

Earl J. Woods begins his spin for Backyard Games glory. It looks good...

The centripetal forces are shocking - will Woods' body collapse under the strain?

AND THE THROW! Up...up...and Away! Look at that form!

OHHHH! INTO THE TREES! A horrifying miscalculation.

Next, Sean Woods makes his bid for glory:

The release...angle looks a little strange...wait...wait...

LOOK AT THE HEIGHT ON THAT THROW! ASTOUNDING!

OHHHHHHHHHH! DIRT CLUMPS EVERYWHERE...the throw is short...but good enough to assure the younger Woods of victory!

Woods World of Sports

Welcome to the Woods World of Sports, where wacky Woods brothers wage the Battle of the Back Yard, beginning here in the front yard with the Flowerbed Jump. Sean Woods clears the tulip field with ease.

Earl Woods is up next, clearing the treacherous tulips with grace and panache. This event: a tie!

Next event: the fiendish Net Toss. Contestants must escape the net, tossed by Saskatchewan Bob. Sean begins his run.

The net is in the air - can Sean evade?

Up, up...

...and away! Sean escapes.
Earl's out of the starting gate with a measured yet powerful stride. Will it be enough?

A precision throw! But Earl's lightning speed may yet win the day.

The crowd gasps in suspense - they've never seen an event like this!

Ladies and gentlemen, just a moment - it looks like - wait - wait -

Yes! Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, Earl J. Woods has been snared! Sean Woods takes a dramatic 1-0 lead! But up next - the flowerpot throw!