Alberta Gothic

With Bill 44 likely to pass into law on Monday - keep sending those emails and making those phone calls, folks - what better way to encapsulate Alberta's new image than with a bit of artistic homage? That's Premier Ed Stelmach and Sustainable Development Minister Ted Morton, a marriage made in an Alberta that seems to turn more gothic with each passing day...

Oh, and I didn't create this image - credit for that goes to Calgary wit Corey Hogan. But I may have had some input into the concept... ;-)

The 25 Million Dollar Question: Freedom to, uh...fumble?

The gentleman attempting to answer Dr. Swann's question is Lindsay Blackett, the Minister for Culture and Community Spirit. I love how his fellow Tory MLAs have to shout the answer out for him.

One Last Chance to Stop Bill 44

Yesterday the Official Opposition managed to goad the Stelmach government into holding a free vote on bill 44, giving the Legislature a rare chance to actually defeat a bad bill.

Bill 44, for those who haven't heard, finally writes in protection for gays and lesbians into Alberta's human rights code. That's the good part of the bill. Unfortunately, Culture and Community Spirit Minister Lindsay Blackett added a parental opt-out clause that enshrines the right of parents to pull their children from classes that touch on human sexuality and matters of religion.

On the surface this doesn't sound like such a bad thing, but parents already have those abilities under the School Act. Enshrining these abilities as human rights, with all the protections that implies, could expose teachers to lawsuits from offended parents, and this threat could significantly chill classroom discussion on a wide range of topics: evolution, history, comparative religion, perhaps even educational attempts to curtail bullying, which you'd think should be universally approved - but how can you really teach people not to bully without touching on some of the triggers for bullying, such as the victims being members of a minority religion or sexual orientation?

In short, I believe this bill is very bad for education in Alberta and harms our long term prosperity and our growth as a society. The Alberta Teachers Association, the Centre for Inquiry, the United Church and a host of other groups from within and outside Alberta have condemned the bill, and it is in fact international news, with the vast majority of the coverage being negative. This is doing terrible things to Alberta's reputation, at a time when the Alberta government is spending millions on rebranding our image!

I encourage everyone to google Bill 44 for the extensive news coverage of the story, and if you're as worried about this bill as I am, then give your MLA a call and ask them to vote no on 44 when the free vote comes up. That could happen as early as late afternoon today. If nothing else, the free vote will allow Albertans to see which MLAs are truly Red Tories and which are buckling under the pressure from the party's right wing.

Visit this site to find out the name of your MLA and their contact information: http://www.assembly.ab.ca/net/index.aspx?p=mla_home

Review: Star Trek (2009)

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK (2009). DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW UNTIL YOU SEE THE FILM (unless of course you have no interest in seeing it).

Review continues after photo to create spoiler space...


Kevin Kelly, Earl J. Woods and Jeff Pitts, Halloween 1987









Every lasting mythology needs reinvention. That includes popular culture. The stories of Tarzan, Sherlock Holmes, Dracula, Superman and others have been reimagined by dozens of different writers, artists and actors across the decades. And yet, whether played by Johnny Weissmuller or Rony Ely, whether written by Edgar Rice Burroughs or Philip Jose Farmer, Tarzan remains instantly recognizable as Tarzan. Any child or senior citizen can identify any photo or drawing of Superman, no matter the artist or actor.

For a long time, Star Trek was a curious exception to this phenomenon; Shatner's Kirk, Nimoy's Spock, Kelley's McCoy and all the others seemed to lock actor and character together, seemingly forever. The story of Kirk's Enterprise had a beginning, a middle, and an end, and instead of reinvention, sequel series, some of them very good, others mediocre to awful, were created. Of all the figures in the Star Trek stories created by Gene Roddenberry and his inheritors, it has always been the original crew who had the best chance of making the leap from short-lived pop culture phenomenon to enduring mythology. A mission of exploration, a heroic leader, a shamanic outsider, an emotional, everyman healer, their stalward companions, each a recognizable ethnic and character type - these are the perfect elements for the kinds of myths that could be told and retold for hundreds of years.

Until now, however, Star Trek's endurance was by no means a sure thing. I believe, for all its flaws and all its merits, JJ Abrams' new Star Trek film is the key to giving these characters the same longevity as other, earlier figures of popular culture.

The film is brash, gorgeous, and most of all, fun. The plot is driven too much by coincidence and some laughable science (the vastness of the universe seems about the size of a modest backyard, given the travel times), but if these hiccups are overlooked (and many audience members won't even notice), Star Trek is the kind of movie that people will see more than once in theatres - and in these days of DVDs and downloads, that's a rare thing indeed.

The film's greatest strengths are its loveable characters, engaging performances, a wry sense of humour and a powerful emotional core.

Every actor delivers a note-perfect performance.

There are no mocking imitations here of William Shatner's often-parodied line delivery; Chris Pine's Kirk is utterly, believably the hero we grew up with, cast in a new guise, with a new attitude, but still Kirk to the core.

Zachary Quinto shows no trace of Sylar (his villainous role from television's Heroes); rather, he gives us a new interpretation of everyone's favourite Vulcan, a Spock under desperate new circumstances, a situation Nimoy's Spock never in his worst nightmares had to face.

There are moments when Karl Urban's turn as Dr. Leonard McCoy seem to draw upon the spirit of DeForest Kelley himself; I'm not a believer in the afterlife, but when watching the character's introduction, I felt Kelley's approving presence manifesting itself within McCoy's new actor. It was eerie and comforting and wonderful, and I hope Urban/McCoy is given more screen time in the sequel. It's been too long since this character's humanizing touch has been felt.

Zoe Saldana's Uhura is smart, compassionate and tough - at last, a story in which this too-often-underused character makes a real difference, and has an emotional arc of her own.

John Cho's Sulu is less developed due to limited screen time, but an actor better known for light comedy definitely shows great potential here as the swashbuckling helmsman. Likewise Anton Yelchin as Chekov, a 17 year old prodigy in this incarnation, with an incomprensible accent and a penchant for saving the day.

Simon Pegg as engineer Scotty was the one casting choice that made me think "Cool!" and "Oh no!" at the same time. I wasn't sure if the hero of Sean of the Dead and Hot Fuzz would make a convincing miracle worker, but Pegg nails it with a lighthearted performance that neatly sidesteps cliche, if only just.

Bruce Greenwood as Captain Pike plays a pivotal role as inspiration and mentor - the kind of guy you'd want to follow into the unknown. And Eric Bana's Nero is sufficiently desperate to provide the film's necessary menace.

My favourite performance, though, was that of Leonard Nimoy as the elder Spock. Nimoy shows us that Spock has grown even wiser in the years since we last saw his character (chronologically, in a two part episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, back in 1991). He's warm, brave, compassionate and inspirational, and Nimoy seems to relish stepping back into the role to pass the torch to his younger counterpart.

This is an origin story. We see the childhoods of both James Kirk and Spock, in brief but revealing scenes that capture why and how these boys grew into the mythic figures that would be admired by millions. In one of film's best scenes, a gifted but bitter Kirk gets into a horrendous bar brawl; we see his amazing potential, hindered by the tragic circumstances of his birth and flawed upbringing. But a new father figure, Captain Christopher Pike, offers a second chance in a short but inspirational speech that gives young Kirk the opportunity to realize his full potential.

"I dare you to do better," Pike says, and this line isn't just a challenge to one man, but a reflection of the Star Trek philosophy, namely that humanity as a whole should be dared to do better: to clean up our environment, to work together in peace, to reach out for the stars and keep pushing to new and greater heights. Earth is a clean, utopian world in this film as it has always been in this myth, and it became so because men like Pike - and before him, figures real and imaginary - dared their fellow citizens to do better. This is the most important message in the film, and it's thematically repeated at later points in the movie: Kirk challenges Spock, Future Spock (Nimoy) challenges Kirk, Kirk challenges the Academy, Spock challenges his unknowlingly racist peers.

I saw more than a few tears being held back at a couple of key moments in the film - the tragic circumstances of James T. Kirk's birth, and Mr. Spock's terrible loss a couple of decades later. And perhaps most of all, by Spock's father Sarek's confession to his son in the wake of that loss.

The film isn't perfect. The movie rushes to put all the character pieces in place by the end of the film, with the result that promotions that would normally take years to achieve occur in days (on the other hand, if you were presented with an Academy graduate that quite literally saved the planet Earth itself, would you not perhaps be inclined to put him in charge of a starship?). Stellar distances are compressed to the point of nonsense. And too many plot points depend upon vast coincidence (and again, the stories of Edgar Rice Burroughs are infamous for this, and yet they remain enjoyable). And if you think too hard about the strategy of the main villain, the plot falls apart completely.

But even in the face of these misssteps, Star Trek remains full of wonderful character moments, thrilling action, and gorgeous spectacle. My favourite visual in the film is that of the Enterprise rising from the clouds of Titan, with majestic Saturn looming in the backgroud. That image alone gave me a chill and a sense of wonder, something I haven't felt in a movie for some time.

With Star Trek's characters and setting recast in a fresh new light, the story of Kirk's Enterprise takes its place alongside the great 20th century myths of pop culture. The human adventure really is just beginning.

YAY

Star Trek was so much fun. Details to follow.

Less Than 24 Hours to Go...

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Still Nearly Famous

Back in 1984, when I was working on CBC's pilot If Your Parents Split, one of the actors gave me a button that said "I'm Nearly Famous," a reference to my just-granted role of show host.

Twenty-five years later, it looks like I'm still merely "nearly" famous. Today, my old electoral foe Ed Stelmach is Wikipedia's featured article of the day:



(I find it amusing to refer to the Premier as "old foe" or "nemesis" not because I take myself that seriously, but because I find it incredibly amusing that he probably doesn't even know who I am, given his landslide victory over me, seen here, in my brief appearance in Ed's Wiki article:



So there we are, my footnote in history, at the losing end of a whopping 10,000 vote margin. Still pretty cool to be in Wikipedia, though, even if it is just my name beside some numbers!

Congrats to the Premier - and the Wiki editors who wrote the article! - on being named feature article of the day.

You Animal! Aiiiieeearrrrrr

This classic image is from the equally classic Paranoid Production, Generous Nature. Here, Pliers (Ron Briscoe) tortures Roarke Norway (Jeff Shyluk). Directed by Earl J. Woods, this forgotten noir masterpiece will soon be available on YouTube, completely remastered with all-new digital effects - unless the players object strenuously.

On Wings of Balsa

On April 25th, a fellow named Steve Eves broke a world record by launching the world's biggest and heaviest model rocket, a 1/10 scale Saturn V.

When I was younger, model rockets captured my imagination. I only wound up launching a few, with varying degrees of success, but I always had fun.



One day in 1983, Keith Gylander, Ron Westman and my brother Sean and I (Sean's the young one in the middle) crossed the street to East Elementary and launched a model X-Wing, purchased several years before in Leaf Rapids, assembled only days before this launch.



Unfortunately, I forgot to stuff the protective wadding into the nose cone, so the parachute flare damaged the 'chute and the model plunged to earth instead of floating down safely. So this rocket had one and only one launch. But for a few moments, we all slipped the surly bonds of Earth and rode in that tiny plastic cockpit, heading for the stars.

Earl J. Woodshol

Earl: Total War

A few days back Jeff Shyluk was playing Empire: Total War when he noticed something interesting and took the screenshot above.



If you zoom in, you'll see that this bewigged fellow, one Earl Woods, is serving as Governor of a territory in northern Ontario. Sadly, Jeff tells me that my computer warlord namesake lasted only a few months in the position. That's longer than I'd last as a real-world warlord, I expect.

Graduation Day

I've completed my whirlwind 10-week graphic design course! For the last lesson, Professor Shyluk and I crafted this diploma, which I'll frame and display in my office.

I'm very grateful to Jeff for putting together a very well-designed, informative and challenging course. I learned a lot about Photoshop, design principles, and art history. Now the challenge is to see if I have any sort of talent to apply to graphic design! At the very least, I know what to look for and how to tell the difference between good design, bad design, and passable but uninspiring design.

Thanks Jeff!

Chocolate Defiant

I meant to make note of this a while back - for Easter, Sylvia found a chocolate USS Defiant, Captain Sisko's ship from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It's interesting that the chocolatiers chose this relatively lesser-known vessel; why not the Enterprise? Probably because the short, stubby shape of the Defiant is less likely to break into several pieces during shipping.

This thing is huge; two weeks later, I've barely managed to eat one of the warp nacelles.

Alberta Liberal AGM After-Action Report

Close to 300 Alberta Liberals - many of them new and/or young members - crammed into the Radisson Hotel today to elect a new executive and hear from Alberta Liberal Leader Dr. David Swann.

The biggest news of the day was Dr. Swann's crystal clear announcement that any notion of changing the name of the party is off the table, calling himself a proud Liberal ready to move forward under that proud tradition.

There was also a lot of good news on the fundraising front; in recent days, individual donors have come forth with donations worth multiple thousands of dollars, on top of a rising wave of donations that have turned the tide on the staff and office front, allowing the party to keep operating smoothly for several months.

Most executive positions were contested by at least two candidates, an exciting renewal of interest. The winners:

President: Tony Sansotta
Secretary: Nancy Cavanaugh
Vice-President, Policy: Dr. Avalon Roberts
Vice-President, Communications: Jody MacPherson
Treasurer: Stephanie Fuehreur

(My apologies if I've misspelled any of those names.)

Finally, party members voted to extend membership eligibility to Albertans 14 years of age and up, down from 16, recognizing the growing number of young adults who have been coming forward to help the party.

At the risk of sounding partisan, I was genuinely excited by the level of energy and spirit shown at this meeting. Hundreds of people travelled from across the province to handle some important business, and Dr. Swann really shone as he outlined his vision for a healthy Alberta - I wish I had a transcript of his speech. Sylvia and I are both very glad to have attended.

Video Report: Alberta Liberal AGM

At Long Last, a Little Love for Libraries

During my tenure as the late Lois Hole's speechwriter, I wrote dozens, if not hundreds, of speeches on the importance of libraries. Libraries were Lois' number one passion, so I have to give credit to the Alberta government for significantly boosting public library funding. I'm honestly surprised that the provincial Tories are doing this, but I'm nonetheless delighted.

For old times' sake, here's an excerpt from one of the speeches on libraries Lois had me put together, a celebration of the Wildwood public library's 50th anniversary back in 2004. I think she'd be pretty pleased by the government's decision.

...These people, in their quiet way, have maintained one of civilization’s great traditions: the gathering and dissemination of hard-won human wisdom. In this way, libraries have been and shall always be the engines of civilization’s progress.

In fact, without libraries, such progress would be impossible, especially in the modern era. These days, we all depend upon libraries, whether we know it or not.

Because in the library, those with sufficient drive and curiosity can uncover the deepest truths, using books to explore the thoughts and actions of others and to inform their own creativity.

Books are the gateway to a better tomorrow, for books challenge us to use our minds, to find better ways of conducting ourselves and managing the great problems of human existence.

In the library, we can find the resources to examine and confront our most difficult social problems.

Or we can find solace there in times of stress, indulging in the great works of literature, or even the not-so-great – whatever suits your particular taste.

Libraries are as crucial to our survival as schools, hospitals, farms, or any other institution you can name, because they ensure that we need not learn the same lessons over and over again, from scratch. Unlike our stone age ancestors, we can learn from the experience of those who came before.

And that gives us a remarkable power to change and grow and do things better.

But sometimes, because Canada enjoys such a high rate of literacy, we take libraries for granted. Well, we can’t afford to do that anymore.

In an age where giant media conglomerates try to shape our opinions with sound bites, we need books more than ever before.

Good documentaries and news programs have their place, but when you really need to understand an issue in depth, you’ve got to turn to books.

And because books are so expensive these days, libraries have become even more important, to ensure that reading doesn’t become a hobby for the rich.

Without true literacy, democracy itself becomes impossible; the real battle of the 21st century, I believe, will be between those who would use ignorance to serve their own greed, and those who selflessly open the doors of knowledge to anyone who cares to listen.

By building a culture that venerates the principles of literacy, we may yet save ourselves from a grim future of literary haves and have-nots.

Libraries are the cornerstone of civil society, of the liberal democracy that we’ve come to cherish. We must not allow them to crumble into disuse.

...Our libraries require all the love and care we can give them, for libraries don’t just preserve the wisdom of the past; they contain the seeds of a better future.

For fifty years, Wildwood’s library has performed a mission that’s absolutely critical to Alberta’s continued prosperity: maintaining and improving the literacy of our people.

And we cannot underestimate the importance of that mission, for learning to read is the first duty of every citizen; teaching another to do so is the second; using that ability to maintain your education and the education of others is the third. As Gandhi once said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

With those words in mind, I think we owe it to ourselves and to future generations to serve others by keeping learning and literacy alive. One day, hopefully not so very far in the future, everyone on this Earth will enjoy the gift of literacy, and when that day arrives, we’ll be one giant leap closer to building a more just, more peaceful, more prosperous world.

The future of our country absolutely depends upon a literate population, and attaining that goal involves not only vigorous support of our public schools, universities, and public libraries, but also public health care and the fine arts.

All of these institutions, when taken together, form the foundation of a prosperous, literate culture, and we must not neglect any one of these institutions for the sake of another.

As I grow older, I've been thinking more and more about what kind of future the next generation can hope to expect.

While human beings have made a lot of progress, especially in the last hundred years, we also have a long way yet to travel.

Some of the problems we face—hunger, crime, disease, poverty, racism, war—seem almost insurmountable.

It's no wonder that many of our young people have cynical attitudes about their future prospects for employment and a good life.

But we can bury that cynicism if we work together, young and old, to fight poverty, injustice, and racism.

And the best way to build a better world for our children is to fight for our public libraries and public schools.

If I could bestow one gift upon young people, it would be a good education, an education rich in literature, science, mathematics, history, crafts, sport, and the fine arts. It would be an education with no shortage of excellent teachers and a full supply of the world's best books.

And part of that ideal education would include teaching youth about community responsibility, public awareness, trustworthiness, respect, and compassion for their fellows.

Education doesn't just provide the next generation with the knowledge and skills they need to prosper; it also gives them the tools they need to make ethical choices.

Whenever I wonder why we’ve been put on this Earth, the example of the men and women I’ve known gives me my answer: we’re here to help, and to make the world a better place. Any chance we have to make a positive difference, as you have by supporting your library, should be taken: it’s a blessing.


...We all have a very personal stake in libraries, and so we have a responsibility to take a more active role in their maintenance and growth.

In a world of changes, contributing to the health of your library is one of the only legacies that really lasts.

And in building a legacy for your loved ones, you’re also investing in a more literate, more enlightened world.

Thank you, and enjoy your library.

Ne Cinema Verite Pas Avec Baseball

Un film de Earl J. Woods, starring Sean Woods.

The Wont of a Nail

Saturday gave me a lot to think about.

It was my brother's 33rd birthday, and I was regretting my inability to find a Black Belt Jones poster for him, hoping that the Robby the Robot bank I found would be interesting and unusual enough to amuse him.

Sylvia and I rose early so that I could load a bunch of cardboard into my car for recycling and hit an ATM for some cash for our new housekeepers, who were to arrive that morning.



I stopped the car to dispose of some garbage and found this painting. I paused, because I'm currently taking a graphic design course from Jeff Shyluk, and art history is a major component of the course. I'm scared to critique this because I can't identify it. Could someone have abandoned a master's work by the trash?



I drove to the recycling station near SuperStore and disposed of my cardboard. Then I entered SuperStore to purchase some Pepsi for Sylvia, and found, to my delight, six-packs of Coca-Cola in glass bottles. But the contents of my groceries shifted in the trunk, and when I opened the lid to retreive my booty, one six-pack of Coke fell to earth and two bottles smashed upon the asphalt.

Grumbling, I gathered up the surviving soldiers and went upstairs to our condo for a broom and dustpan. Our housekeepers had arrived in my absence, and were busy sterilizing our home, much to Sylvia's delight.

I swept up the shards of glass and walked over to our condo's garbage bin. On the way, a man asked me, "Are you Quentin?"

"Nope. Just a guy with a bunch of broken glass," I replied, using my best smooth talkin' grifter voice. I flung the glass into the trash and returned to the condo to hand over the cash (to the housekeepers).

When the housekeepers left, Sylvia and I gathered up Sean's presents and drove south, along the Anthony Henday, to Joey's in South Edmonton Common. My parents and brother had already arrived. Sean performed a hat trick, flipping his hat through the air to land on his head. I asked him to do it again for the camera, but the second attempt was unsuccessful and Sean was unwilling to make a third.

We ate. Sean had a chicken thing, Dad had a beef dip, Mom had hot wings, Sylvia had blackened Cajun basa, and I had some kind of chicken thing. A thing on a bun.

We left. Mom and Dad handed over some Super 8 mm film, which I plan to tranfer to DVD using the services of Cine audio visual, or perhaps London Drugs. Sean went with Mom and Dad, and Sylvia and I went to IKEA.

We purchased BOOBLI curtains. Sylvia liked the colours; I liked the Tarzan of the Jungle pattern of leaves. We purchased a DAVE laptop stand, seen here:



We purchased a clay pot and saucer, for Sylvia's transplanting plants plan. The pot and saucer fell from the cart seconds after the IKEA teller rang the purchases through. She rushed out and told us she'd see we received replacements. Minutes later, the debris was disposed of (I cut my finger) and another IKEA person brought us a new ULBGORT and BOOGINK.

We left. Hmmm, I thought to myself. Today I smashed four things: two retro Cokes, a clay pot, and a clay whatever-you-call-the-thing-you-put-under-a-clay-pot-to-catch-the-excess-water.



We drove to the City of Edmonton Eco Station on 51st avenue and 99th street, where I disposed of my old Dell and VAIO computers. The Dell caused me problems from day one; the VAIO served faithfully and well for many years, and was in fact still fully functional until I ripped out its hard drives. Shades of Dave singing "Daisy."

We returned home. I built the (other) DAVE for Sylvia. I watched last week's episodes of 24 and Heroes.

Later, I gently stubbed my left big toe. That's the toe with a slightly ingrown toenail - nothing serious or even noticeable, except the flesh is tender if disturbed.

I looked down at my toe and wondered why I perceive of the toe as "my" toe, as a possession. My toe, my fingers, my chin, my back, my arms, my spine, my stomach, even my brain, my mind. These are the things, conceptually, I own.

I wondered: what is "me?"

I thought, not for the first time, that I think of myself as the bit up inside my skull that talks, the silent voice that is thinking these words as I type them into the "new post" window.

I wondered why it is that I should exist as a consciousness mapped onto the grey matter of my brain. I understand that there's a biological reason, but what's the metaphysical reason? If there is a reason at all, which I do not presume.

I wondered if perhaps my body was just an extension of some greater being, a universal consciousness using me to sense and experience and move through our three dimensional world in the same way that my brain directs my fingers to type these words.

I wondered if each human being - or every sentient being - is perhaps just a sensory organ of some greater thing, the universe itself using bits of matter to experience this reality we struggle to understand.

I wondered if Sylvia and I and our parents and our siblings and neighbours and friends and everyone else are actually just different aspects of that same being.

A being who, a long time ago, thought to itself, "I want to experience life as a Caucasian male born in Flin Flon, Manitoba in 1969 who becomes a moderately successful professional writer and breaks four brittle things on a spring day in 2009."

Maybe those shards of glass and clay, the ones I cleaned up yesterday, were the entire reason for my existence. Who knows?

I should really take care of this ingrown toenail.

Add Your Voice to the Alberta Budget Debate

As most of my readers know, I work for the Alberta Liberal Caucus, the nine MLAs who serve as the Official Opposition here in Edmonton, the provincial capital. Today our caucus unveiled what I believe is a pretty darn cool idea: a toll-free number and website Albertans can use to send us their questions, concerns and opinions on the government's budget, to be released this Tuesday.

If you haven't been following the news, you may not be aware that this budget may return the government to deficit spending, prompting speculation that the Tories will turn to their first and favourite solution: slashing public services.

As someone who cares passionately about public education, public health care, the arts and our social safety net, this possibility worries me quite a bit. That's why I'm so glad that Dr. David Swann, Leader of the Official Opposition, is making it so easy for Albertans to make their voices heard.

All you have to do is phone the toll-free number on the card I'm holding up: 1-888-886-2834. Or visit http://www.budget2009.ca/ and fill out the simple form.

Our Alberta Liberal MLAs will bring the best questions into the Legislative Assembly, ensuring that the voices of Alberta's extraordinary citizens are heard.

It's our budget, too. If you care about fiscal responsibility, about public services, about caring for the less fortunate - give the number a call.

If I Had a Billion Dollars

While commuting the other day, Sylvia and I heard a news story about Alberta's latest lotto winners. As many people do, I started to think about what I'd do were I presented with a huge windfall.

For the record, I'm not a big fan of lotteries. While they're a useful source of government revenue, I think the false dreams and dashed hopes they propagate are pretty damaging in the long run - not to mention the countless stories of winning players whose lives are made worse by their "lucky" day! Far better to balance a reasonable, progressive tax burden with prudent government spending, rather than levying what amounts to another tax on the poor and desperate. Why should essential services like public health care and community infrastructure have to depend upon lotteries? Madness.

Anyway, the larger political issues don't prevent a little harmless fantasizing. Let's pretend that Sylvia and I find a two-ton meteorite made of pure platinum and that we're sufficiently wise enough to stake a legal claim and sell the wealth bits at a time to prevent a platinum glut. (All pretty crazy assumptions with about as much likelihood of success as...winning the lottery.)

So we wind up with a billion dollars. What would I do with my half?

Naturally I'd take care of the essentials first - some money for mom and dad and my brother, some generous donations to UNICEF, Doctors Without Borders, and so on.

But on to the fun stuff. In all honesty, if I had more money than I knew what to do with and I gave millions to every charity on my list...I'd spend the rest of the cash being as eccentric as possible - but, I hope, in a fun and progressive way.

So. First order of business: Earl Acres, i.e., our new home. I'd have an architect build a haunting Gothic mansion, something out of Frankenstein. There would be a pipe organ in the main hallway, so that when guests arrive I would be ready, hunched over the keys, wearing a black cloak, playing that scary "DAH NA NA...DA NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAAAA..." music.

There would be a USS Enterprise bridge simulator room, built to scale, with all the stations intact and functional - well, functional in a simulator sense - this room would be used to play a custom-designed Star Trek combat/exploration game of epic scope. Naturally, this would double as a home theatre, with the stations folding out comfy home theatre seats, for those reluctant to sit for hours on those tiny retro chairs the crew had to endure.

Of course we'd need a staff to handle our estate and business affairs. I would hire each staff member based not only on their qualifications, but how well they fit Hollywood stereotypes for their roles. To wit, I would require:

One British butler, tall and gaunt and perpetually 60-ish, with a rapier deadpan wit.

One irritable French chef, a master of his art, but completely intolerant of his employers' lack of culinary refinement.

One beefy, handsome, macho, silent German chauffeur for Sylvia. He'd also be a crack bodyguard.

One gorgeous Brazilian housekeeper with an affinity for fishnets.

One inscrutable Japanese gardener, replete with Asian wisdom.

One officious, perpetually worried Canadian financial advisor, preferably balding with glasses.

One Indian secret agent woman, or at least an actress pretending to be an Indian secret agent, reporting all kinds of international intruigue and (fake) threats against Woods Foundation interests.

One African American martial arts instructor of the sweet sweetback badassss school.

One Ukrainian "mad"/absent-minded scientist - preferably a theoretical physicist. Must wear a lab coat constantly and play the Frankenstein role with glee.

I would pay all these folks extremely well, and provide them with state-of-the-art facilities for their daily routines. I think we could have a lot of fun running my little lunatic asylum, and in the process we might collectively make a point about cultural and sexual stereotypes. And perhaps make some scientific breakthroughs!

I wonder what Sylvia would do with her $500 million?

Finger Puppet Star Trek

Way back in the early 90s, some members of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club got together to film their own version of Star Trek: The Motion Picture...with painted fingers and cardboard sets. This is the result.

Superhero Speeches #1: The End of My Double Life, by Clark Kent

A few posts back, I promised to present a fictional speech, one delivered by a superhero. For this speech, I pretended that Clark Kent came to me with a very special request. Here's how I would have written Mr. Kent's speech.

The End of My Double Life
Speaking notes for Clark Kent
Daily Planet, Metropolis, Delaware
June 19, 2015

Good afternoon, and thank you all for coming today. Before I begin, I'd like to thank Perry White, Managing Editor of the Daily Planet, and Galaxy Broadcasting, owner of the Planet building, for hosting this news conference.

I have a brief statement to read, and I'll take questions afterward.

For ten years, I have served as a reporter for the Daily Planet. I am very grateful for that privilege. I have done my best to serve the public with honesty and diligence; to uncover corruption, to reveal heroism, and to shine the light of truth in the dark corners of this city.

In fact, it's truth that I want to discuss today. And I'll begin by admitting that I have bent the truth over the years - bent it, I hope, for a higher purpose. That will be up to you to judge.

Truth is a reporter's most cherished value, and I hope you'll believe me when I say that I did not bend the truth lightly.

As you know, the Bartlett administration has scheduled a news conference with the President, to occur later this afternoon.

At that time, President Bartlett will announce that I, Clark Kent, am in fact also Superman.

[pause for laughter]

The President is correct.

[pause]

I understand your scepticism, especially in light of past events that seem to have proved that Superman and I cannot be the same person. Today, I am telling you that those events were orchestrated by me or my circle of associates to hide the truth. If you saw Clark Kent and Superman in the same place, one of them was a robot, a shapeshifter, or one of my friends, typically the Batman, in disguise.

Please watch me closely for a moment.

[pause to stand up straight, remove glasses, fix hair, remove tie and unbutton shirt]

As you can see, for years I've been using a few simple tricks to hide my double identity. Different clothes, hairstyle, voice, posture and demeanour - it's nothing more than any actor would do during the course of a role.

So, why? And which role is the real person - Clark, or Superman?

I'll answer the second question first.

I was raised as a human being by my parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent, who you'll see are with us today. Hi, Ma. Hi, Pa. They raised me with human values: the importance of truth, compassion, of fighting for what's right, of helping others.

I think of myself as a human being, and an American. My biology may differ from yours, but I consider myself a part of this society, this culture. I am Clark Kent, Kansas farmboy, Metropolitan newspaper reporter.

Why, then, the disguise? Why didn't I simply become a policeman and use my abilities in the open, as myself?

Ma, Pa and I had to invent Superman when we realized that although I may be invulnerable, the people I love are not. We realized that any criminal I brought to justice, any politician or corporate giant I troubled, could retaliate through my friends and family.

I couldn't let that happen. So we invented the costume, a distracting blend of primary colours, designed to attract attention. I've always felt a little silly in it, but it helped establish a profound difference between my natural look and the public figure we invented.

There's a more selfish reason, too. Once I realized that I was different from all the other people around me, I started to worry that others might not judge me for who I am, but for the things I can do. I wondered if I could ever land a job on my own merits, or publish a novel, or find a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved and respected for my character, not my abilities.

I suppose a lot of wealthy folks and celebrities have experienced the same feelings.

[pause]

With my secret revealed, many people will feel angry, and with good reason. Any deception hurts. I regret hiding the truth from my good friends Jimmy Olsen, Perry White, and my other friends and colleagues at the Daily Planet and WGBS television. I especially regret deceiving Lois Lane, who always suspected the truth.

Perhaps most of all, I regret hiding the truth from every citizen I've interviewed. You opened up your hearts and minds to me for the sake of truth, because you hoped that telling your stories would help make the world a better place.

You did. I like to think that together, by revealing truth, we've done as much good as Superman ever has.

And yes, I have used my abilities while performing my duties as a reporter. I have used my x-ray vision, super-hearing, infrared vision, super-speed and other powers to uncover facts that would have been closed to other reporters. Some of you will claim that gives me an unfair advantage as a reporter, and I cannot disagree. But I hope you'll understand that I never used my powers for personal gain or to invade the privacy rights of citizens - except in cases where lives were immediately threatened. In those cases, I knowingly committed a small evil in the hopes of preventing a greater one.

I hope no one will blame the President for choosing to reveal the truth to the world. Once his administration uncovered it, they felt that they had no choice but to reveal it. I am confident that they chose to take this step not for political reasons, but because they felt the people had a right to know.

What the administration's attitude says about privacy rights, I leave to others wiser than I to discuss.

I was born as Clark Kent, and that is how I intend to lead my life. I won't wear glasses or stoop any longer; nor will I wear Superman's primary colours. I'll still watch over the world as best I can, but don't look for the bright red cape anymore; it'll just be an ordinary man with a few extraordinary gifts, doing his best to help the community, like any other citizen.

If Perry and Lois and Jimmy and all the others will have me, I would like to remain a reporter for the Daily Planet. I understand the special challenges this would entail, and it's quite possible that those challenges will prevent me from remaining an effective journalist. I understand that it might be hard for sources to trust a reporter who can detect lies, even the innocent ones.

Sharing the truth with you today has been hard for me - hard to admit that I have lied by omission and commission nearly every day, even if I considered each lie an altruistic one.

So I stand before you today with sadness and relief; guilt and hope; embarrassment and confidence. It's quite possible that I never trusted you enough, my fellow citizens: trusted you to understand and embrace the truth, trusted you to judge me fairly, trusted you to look after my loved ones those times when I cannot.

I would like to trust you today, and I hope that in time your trust in me will be restored.

Truth, like justice, is our way - the American way, the human way. I know your judgement of the truths I have revealed today will be fair, and I will accept that judgement.

Thank you.

Alberta Government Will Cover Cancer Drug Avastin Starting April 1

Every so often, you win one...this will provide massive relief to Albertans suffering from colorectal cancer. Kudos to the government for doing the right thing.

I Watched the Watchmen

Thanks to Michael and his studio connections, I was fortunate enough to attend a sneak preview of Watchmen tonight. I went in with low expectations, but I was pleasantly surprised - this is a reasonably faithful adaptation that does little violence to the source material, even though the






SPOILER SPACE







ending has been updated to suit the times. Haunting, beautiful imagery, good performances from little-known actors - there's a lot to like here. It's even a little sexy in parts, never a bad thing. There is some brutality, however, so if you're squeamish, you may want to close your eyes during the fight scenes and one very disturbing rape scene midway through the film.

Rorsach definitely steals the show, but my favourite character remains Night Owl, who does his best to hang on to a sense of decency even in the face of armageddon.

Four bloody smiley faces out of five.

Trail of the Skulker

Yesterday I startled two coworkers out of their seats.

First, I innocently walked into Amanda's office to ask her a question. The words "Amanda, would you mind..." left my lips and prompted her to shriek and leap out of her chair.

Barely a couple of hours later, I walked into Michael's office to ask him a question. This time, my inadvertent victim coughed up some food, did a spit take and yelped, "Earl! Gah!"

A few years back, while working at the Western Board of Music, I scared Gloria coming up out of the basement and Leslie coming around a corner - or perhaps it was the other way around.

I routinely scare Sylvia at home.

None of this is deliberate. I would have thought that someone of my girth would make more noise while stumbling around the office, but apparently not. In any event, my apologies to all I have startled.

Giggle.