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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

High Stakes Puns

Last night Sylvia and I cooked steak and potatoes for supper. Before putting the steaks into the oven, I held them at arm's length above my head and looked at her. She stared back blankly for a moment, and I said, "Looks like the steaks are pretty high!"

Get it? "Steaks are high?" I.e., "stakes are high?" Nyuck nyuck...

Anyway, she only rolled her eyes, then sighed and nodded as if resigned to some horrible fate. But one day, she and the world will recognize my comic genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-O :-O

Monday, December 15, 2003

Movies I'd Like to See

Somewhere on my hard drive, I have a half-finished story called Radar Women of Mars. I think it would make a pretty good (well, by certain definitions of the word "good") movie, and I so I've imagined a solar system in which many of the celestial bodies are inhabited (or ruled) by women.

Each heavenly body (heh, heh) gets her own movie:

Fire Foxes of Sol
Meteor Matriarchs of Mercury
Vampire Vixens of Venus
Saber Wenches of Terra
Laser Libertines of Luna
Radar Women of Mars
Savage She-Cats of Phobos
Photon Damsels of Deimos
Avenging Angels of the Asteroid Belt
Fighting Females of Jupiter
Kung-Fu Hellcats of Callisto
Blaster Bombshells of Europa
Gas Girls of Ganymede
Radioactive Sirens of Io
Saucer Sisters of Saturn
Rocket Lasses of Titan
Dagger D├ębutantes of Uranus
Amazon Mermaids of Neptune
Sonar Princesses of Triton
Pulchitrudinous Ice Maidens of Pluto
Chopper Chicks of Charon
Cannibal Cavegirls of the Kuiper Belt

Of course, for every cheesy, sexist b-picture parody, there should be a matching film that mocks/celebrates male stereotypes. How about...

Beefcake Boors of Beta 9
Hover Hunks of Hyperion
Nervous Nerds of Neptune
Gamma Geeks of Ganymede

Thursday, December 11, 2003

As Heard on TV

Heh. I notice my last blog ("International Cluck Like a Chicken Day") befuddled the blogger ad engine..."This blank space brought to you by..."
I recorded a voiceover for a TV ad for Hole's, so watch CFRN carefully during the holiday season and you may catch me saying immortal lines such as, "Hole's...helping you enjoy the holidays."

International Cluck Like a Chicken Day

I think we might enjoy a more peaceful world if all the planet’s governments, in cooperation with the UN, decided to declare February 25th (my birthday, coincidentally) International Cluck Like a Chicken Day. All over the world, people of all races, creeds, and colours would bend their arms, hunch over, scratch their feet against the ground, and go “buck-buck-ba-GAWK!”

Before you call my plan mad, consider this: on each side of the heavily fortified frontier between Pakistan and India, Hindus and Muslims would consider their would-be foes in a new light, as they scratched, pecked, and clucked together in the spirit of genial mirth. The same happy tale would be repeated between Hutu and Tutsi, Arab and Jew, Fleming and Waloon, Catholic and Orthodox, Trekkie and Warsie.

Or maybe not. World peace would appear to be more complicated than empty gestures such as international adoption of little more than a silly variation of the Chicken Dance. :-(