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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

C.H.A.O.S. Agent Profile: Shin Barker

Alias: Shin Barker
Affiliation: Minion of CHAOS
Real Name: Jack Shemp
Height: 170 cm
Weight: 65 kg
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Distinguishing Features: 1950s crewcut; caucasian; prominent Adam's apple and chin dimple
Costume: Casual clothes; wears shirt with slogan "Shin-Bark-A-Delic"
Birthplace: Etobicoke, Canada
Birthdate: June 17, 1974
Powers: Causes others to bark their shins
Skills: Good at math
Weaknesses: Barks own shin frequently
Equipment: None
Secret Origin: Mutant
Notes: Friends with Toe Stubber; jilted lover of Paladin of ORDER Sabrina Virtue
Quotes: "My shin!", "Shin-Bark-A-Delic!"

Jack Shemp, AKA "Shin Barker," is one of the more recent recruits of the Minions of CHAOS. Interred into the ranks by new Head Minion Dr. Cerebellum, Evil Brain in a Jar, Shin Barker has proved his usefulness on several CHAOS missions, including the destruction of a Paladin aircraft (pilot Whiskey Ripper barked his shin on the controls, sending the plane careening into the indestructible form of Paramount Importance).

Shin Barker was seen as a neutral force in the CHAOS/ORDER conflict until Paladin agent Sabrina Virtue turned down his marriage proposal. Enraged, Shin Barker was heard to yell, "I'll show you! I'll show you all!" before storming off in a huff, spoiling the effect by barking his shin on a park bench. Nevertheless, Shin Barker contacted Dr. Cerebellum just a few days later, and now his turn to CHAOS seems irreversible.

If you encounter Shin Barker, contact an agent of ORDER immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend him yourself - you could suffer a badly barked shin, or worse.


Sean Woods said...

Does Shin Barker listen to "The Shins?"

(incidentally, I highly recommend that all members of the Bleak House of Blaghs give "The Shins" a listen sometime)

Earl J. Woods said...

Do they call their album "Barking"? Because if they do, I'll give them mad props.

Woo, I'm so hip.