At last, after sixteen arduous games of Scrabble, I've tied Sylvia. We each have eight wins apiece.
I'm back at work and the pace is frenetic...
There's a mosquito in the apartment!!!!! :-O
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Thursday, August 28, 2003
A Hot Time in Radium Hot Springs
Sylvia and I are back from Radium Hot Springs. Much fun was had, even though our intended journey through BC was cut short BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! We drove right by a burning mountain - the biggest fire I've ever witnessed. Quite a sight. After making it through that with barely a singe, we were nearly caught in a rockslide near the Yoho bridge, currently being refurbished. Okay, it was a small rockslide, but still worrisome, and I got dust all over my car. :-(
Our hotel room (at $95 per night, quite a steal) had a built-in private jacuzzi. Talk about relaxing - I nearly fainted in there. And at the hot springs, for that matter.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Shots to the Teeth
Susan Shyluk notes that her brother Steven Neumann won the Earl blog pool by being the first in their clan to be mentioned in the Bleak House of Blahgs. It's strange I haven't written about Steven, Susan, or Susan's husband Jeff before, since there are so many great stories about them.
Jeff, for example, has taken several punishing blows to the teeth in the time I've known him - ironic, since he tells a great Teeth Tale himself, about a young man who shattered his teeth on a gymnasium floor. But that's another tale.
Two of Jeff's teeth torment tales take place in the office of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club, still located in room 620 of the Student's Union Building. I don't quite recall the chronology of events, but during one incident, ST and Scuba Club member Andrea MacLeod was bouncing a nickel off the desk. An errant bounce caught Jeff in the upper incisors, and the sound was like...well, like a nickel smacking headlong into a defenceless set of choppers. Jeff yelled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
The Star Trek Club teeth story had similar roots (if you'll pardon the pun). I (or was it Tony Longworth?) was flicking a plastic paper clamp across the desk, using the spring action to propel it, when it flew into the air and smacked Jeff - you guessed it - square in the teeth. He yowled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Later, a bunch of us went down to Hawrelak Park to play frisbee. Well, not frisbee - we were tossing one of those flying rings around. We stood in a large circle, passing the toy back and forth, and for whatever reason, the circle got smaller, until Jeff and Susan were only three or four metres apart. The ring came to Susan, and she flung it with all her might at Jeff, not noticing how close he was. Jeff's arms were outstretched, and it looked like he was attempting to catch the ring in his teeth. Well, he caught it in the teeth all right - the ring mashed Jeff's lips against his brutalized incisors with a rubbery "twang," then rebounded into some bushes. Jeff howled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Poor Jeff.
Jeff, for example, has taken several punishing blows to the teeth in the time I've known him - ironic, since he tells a great Teeth Tale himself, about a young man who shattered his teeth on a gymnasium floor. But that's another tale.
Two of Jeff's teeth torment tales take place in the office of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club, still located in room 620 of the Student's Union Building. I don't quite recall the chronology of events, but during one incident, ST and Scuba Club member Andrea MacLeod was bouncing a nickel off the desk. An errant bounce caught Jeff in the upper incisors, and the sound was like...well, like a nickel smacking headlong into a defenceless set of choppers. Jeff yelled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
The Star Trek Club teeth story had similar roots (if you'll pardon the pun). I (or was it Tony Longworth?) was flicking a plastic paper clamp across the desk, using the spring action to propel it, when it flew into the air and smacked Jeff - you guessed it - square in the teeth. He yowled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Later, a bunch of us went down to Hawrelak Park to play frisbee. Well, not frisbee - we were tossing one of those flying rings around. We stood in a large circle, passing the toy back and forth, and for whatever reason, the circle got smaller, until Jeff and Susan were only three or four metres apart. The ring came to Susan, and she flung it with all her might at Jeff, not noticing how close he was. Jeff's arms were outstretched, and it looked like he was attempting to catch the ring in his teeth. Well, he caught it in the teeth all right - the ring mashed Jeff's lips against his brutalized incisors with a rubbery "twang," then rebounded into some bushes. Jeff howled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Poor Jeff.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
DVD ALERT!
HOLY SMASHAMOLEY!!!! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy is out on DVD!!!!!
I've seen the preview for this little-known film perhaps100 times, and it never gets old. As a clunking, clanking contraption of rivets and steel drums menaces mankind, to the rescue comes - THE AZTEC MUMMY! A shambling monstrosity, now mankind's ONLY HOPE!!!!!!! :-O
In the preview, the announcer screams, "The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!" And that's just what I'm screaming now! The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!! Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!
Since there are several "Aztec Mummy" films, I'm betting the Aztec Mummy wins, but even so, I can't wait to see this little gem. I mean, judging by the preview, it has several elements true cinephiles drool over:
1) A fake-looking humanoid robot that wreaks all kinds of havoc, sending villagers into a wild panic
2) An aztec mummy
3) An aztec mummy smashing through walls
4) A robot fighting an Aztec mummy
5) Underground tunnels
6) Loopy, completely insane dialogue delivered with the utmost gravity
Shout it out, my homies! THE ROBOT - VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!!
HOLY SMASHAMOLEY!!!! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy is out on DVD!!!!!
I've seen the preview for this little-known film perhaps100 times, and it never gets old. As a clunking, clanking contraption of rivets and steel drums menaces mankind, to the rescue comes - THE AZTEC MUMMY! A shambling monstrosity, now mankind's ONLY HOPE!!!!!!! :-O
In the preview, the announcer screams, "The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!" And that's just what I'm screaming now! The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!! Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!
Since there are several "Aztec Mummy" films, I'm betting the Aztec Mummy wins, but even so, I can't wait to see this little gem. I mean, judging by the preview, it has several elements true cinephiles drool over:
1) A fake-looking humanoid robot that wreaks all kinds of havoc, sending villagers into a wild panic
2) An aztec mummy
3) An aztec mummy smashing through walls
4) A robot fighting an Aztec mummy
5) Underground tunnels
6) Loopy, completely insane dialogue delivered with the utmost gravity
Shout it out, my homies! THE ROBOT - VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Clowns
Clowns, clowns, they're evil and weird
Even young children and pets have they jeered
Clowns, clowns, with faces all painted
Even strong men when confronted have fainted
Who was the sadist who came up with clowns?
Those merry mad demons who joyfully drown
All hopes and all dreams and all manner of joy
Who cheerfully laugh as they eat little boys
If I had two wishes, the first thing I'd do
Is wish all clowns away, and for wish number two
I'd erase all the clowns who lived in the past
(Like Fatty Arbuckle, alleged pederast)
Clowns, clowns, they juggle and jape
Those terrible, tortured, juggling jackanapes
Harlequin horrors under the big tops
Backstabbing jesters, dagger-toothed fops
Clowns, clowns, Pagliacchis and Jokers
Stabbing your eyes out with gleaming hot pokers
Joy buzzers and spritzers and fools stuffed in cars
A pie in the face, and Bozo on Mars...
Clowns, clowns, they won't go away
No matter how much little boys and girls pray
Even young children and pets have they jeered
Clowns, clowns, with faces all painted
Even strong men when confronted have fainted
Who was the sadist who came up with clowns?
Those merry mad demons who joyfully drown
All hopes and all dreams and all manner of joy
Who cheerfully laugh as they eat little boys
If I had two wishes, the first thing I'd do
Is wish all clowns away, and for wish number two
I'd erase all the clowns who lived in the past
(Like Fatty Arbuckle, alleged pederast)
Clowns, clowns, they juggle and jape
Those terrible, tortured, juggling jackanapes
Harlequin horrors under the big tops
Backstabbing jesters, dagger-toothed fops
Clowns, clowns, Pagliacchis and Jokers
Stabbing your eyes out with gleaming hot pokers
Joy buzzers and spritzers and fools stuffed in cars
A pie in the face, and Bozo on Mars...
Clowns, clowns, they won't go away
No matter how much little boys and girls pray
Friday, August 01, 2003
Review: Pirates of the Caribbean
Sylvia and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean last Friday. Here’s my review:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is the best pirate movie since the days of Errol Flynn. The film succeeds because of two key elements: sincerity and a great sense of fun.
The first step in creating a good film is to write a good script. This is common sense, but it seems almost a lost art these days. Lo and behold, Pirates not only has witty dialogue, but a logical plot that unfolds with precision and clarity. Most action films these days are just a collection of expensive set pieces connected by the most fragile threads, but not so here; each bit of action is integral to the story.
And a good story it is, with likeable (or appropriately detestable) characters who have actual motivations for their actions and understandable goals. The predicament of the villains, led by Geoffrey Rush’s pirate scourge Barbossa, is so ghastly that you even root for the bad guys a little, if only out of sympathy.
And who can help adoring Johnny Depp’s lovable rogue, Jack Sparrow, the pirate without a ship? He’s the Hunter S. Thompson of the seas, looking and acting as though he’s taken a lot of really good drugs to shore up his courage for his many acts of derring-do. Of course, any man who takes a date to the film will have to put up with some swooning over Depp, but that’s all right; there’s plenty of scenery for the men to admire, too.
Orlando Bloom as blacksmith Will Tanner and Keira Knightley as damsel-in-distress Elizabeth Swann play the straight roles here, commoner and noblewoman who are clearly meant for each other, no matter that society forbids fraternization between classes. Bloom reminded me very much of Errol Flynn, in fact; he buckles his swash with extreme flair, and Knightley is spunky and independent without being overbearing. Plus, she looks great in a corset.
There’s a lot of fun to be had from the supporting cast, too, most especially the British navy men, whose upper lips are so stiff that I’m sure they could repel cannonballs. Jack Sparrow’s pirate friends are only sketchily drawn, but they’re likeable nonetheless; the black female character can even be seen as a progressive element in the film; her race and sex are never commented upon, and yet she’s presented as a pirate captain in her own right, and takes the helm of the Interceptor during the key naval battle.
The action sequences—chiefly swordfights and ship-to-ship combat—are spectacular, an overused adjective that nonetheless applies here.
The battle between Barbossa’s Black Pearl—usurped from Depp’s character before the film begins—and Sparrow’s stolen British ship, the Interceptor, is a thrilling spectacle, with cannon fire aplenty, grappling hooks flying everywhere, a suspenseful chase, and a brilliant maneuver that I’ve never seen before, but which seems so logical that I’m surprised this is the first time we’ve seen it in a film.
The special effects are seamlessly integrated into the film, used only when appropriate, and they’re very effective. Special effects should always be used to serve the story, never the other way around, and it’s a huge relief to see them used properly.
Klaus Bedelt’s score is perfectly suited to the raucous goings-on, and reminded me of the glory days of Erich Korngold. There’s lots of crashing percussion and soaring brass, all appropriately nautical—perfect music to shoot cannons and cross swords by.
Clearly, the filmmakers approached this material with an abiding respect for the genre, but neither are they afraid to send up its excesses. The key animal sidekicks—monkey and parrot—have been included, there’s a desert island, rum, a stodgy colonial governor, scurvy dogs, pieces of eight, the skull and crossbones, flintlocks, broadsides, the plank, the obligatory comic relief, and almost all the other pirate trappings. The only things missing, as far as I can determine, were a character with a peg leg and someone with a hook for a hand. Maybe in the sequel.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is pure escapist entertainment at its best. It’s lighthearted, funny, exciting, romantic, and it does all this without pandering to the audience. It’s my second-favourite film of the year, after X2.
By the way, don’t be in a great rush to leave as the credits roll; as is becoming increasingly common in films these days, there’s an extra treat at the very end. Call it the “post-credits coda.”
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is the best pirate movie since the days of Errol Flynn. The film succeeds because of two key elements: sincerity and a great sense of fun.
The first step in creating a good film is to write a good script. This is common sense, but it seems almost a lost art these days. Lo and behold, Pirates not only has witty dialogue, but a logical plot that unfolds with precision and clarity. Most action films these days are just a collection of expensive set pieces connected by the most fragile threads, but not so here; each bit of action is integral to the story.
And a good story it is, with likeable (or appropriately detestable) characters who have actual motivations for their actions and understandable goals. The predicament of the villains, led by Geoffrey Rush’s pirate scourge Barbossa, is so ghastly that you even root for the bad guys a little, if only out of sympathy.
And who can help adoring Johnny Depp’s lovable rogue, Jack Sparrow, the pirate without a ship? He’s the Hunter S. Thompson of the seas, looking and acting as though he’s taken a lot of really good drugs to shore up his courage for his many acts of derring-do. Of course, any man who takes a date to the film will have to put up with some swooning over Depp, but that’s all right; there’s plenty of scenery for the men to admire, too.
Orlando Bloom as blacksmith Will Tanner and Keira Knightley as damsel-in-distress Elizabeth Swann play the straight roles here, commoner and noblewoman who are clearly meant for each other, no matter that society forbids fraternization between classes. Bloom reminded me very much of Errol Flynn, in fact; he buckles his swash with extreme flair, and Knightley is spunky and independent without being overbearing. Plus, she looks great in a corset.
There’s a lot of fun to be had from the supporting cast, too, most especially the British navy men, whose upper lips are so stiff that I’m sure they could repel cannonballs. Jack Sparrow’s pirate friends are only sketchily drawn, but they’re likeable nonetheless; the black female character can even be seen as a progressive element in the film; her race and sex are never commented upon, and yet she’s presented as a pirate captain in her own right, and takes the helm of the Interceptor during the key naval battle.
The action sequences—chiefly swordfights and ship-to-ship combat—are spectacular, an overused adjective that nonetheless applies here.
The battle between Barbossa’s Black Pearl—usurped from Depp’s character before the film begins—and Sparrow’s stolen British ship, the Interceptor, is a thrilling spectacle, with cannon fire aplenty, grappling hooks flying everywhere, a suspenseful chase, and a brilliant maneuver that I’ve never seen before, but which seems so logical that I’m surprised this is the first time we’ve seen it in a film.
The special effects are seamlessly integrated into the film, used only when appropriate, and they’re very effective. Special effects should always be used to serve the story, never the other way around, and it’s a huge relief to see them used properly.
Klaus Bedelt’s score is perfectly suited to the raucous goings-on, and reminded me of the glory days of Erich Korngold. There’s lots of crashing percussion and soaring brass, all appropriately nautical—perfect music to shoot cannons and cross swords by.
Clearly, the filmmakers approached this material with an abiding respect for the genre, but neither are they afraid to send up its excesses. The key animal sidekicks—monkey and parrot—have been included, there’s a desert island, rum, a stodgy colonial governor, scurvy dogs, pieces of eight, the skull and crossbones, flintlocks, broadsides, the plank, the obligatory comic relief, and almost all the other pirate trappings. The only things missing, as far as I can determine, were a character with a peg leg and someone with a hook for a hand. Maybe in the sequel.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is pure escapist entertainment at its best. It’s lighthearted, funny, exciting, romantic, and it does all this without pandering to the audience. It’s my second-favourite film of the year, after X2.
By the way, don’t be in a great rush to leave as the credits roll; as is becoming increasingly common in films these days, there’s an extra treat at the very end. Call it the “post-credits coda.”
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Dreaming of Days to Come in This World and Others
May the cube be with you!
Last night, I dreamed that my girlfriend Sylvia was reading my first novel, hot off the presses. It was called The Secondary, and it featured a balding, bespectacled man examining a compass, of the sort you use to draw a circle.
Since every dream is simply a brief glimpse of a parallel universe, I can't help but wonder if the Earl living in that world is pleased with his success. I hope so - and I wish I could ask him what the story's about, and who or what "the secondary" may be.
Hmmm. Perhaps a better question is: can I come up with my own answer to that question?
Be seeing you...
Last night, I dreamed that my girlfriend Sylvia was reading my first novel, hot off the presses. It was called The Secondary, and it featured a balding, bespectacled man examining a compass, of the sort you use to draw a circle.
Since every dream is simply a brief glimpse of a parallel universe, I can't help but wonder if the Earl living in that world is pleased with his success. I hope so - and I wish I could ask him what the story's about, and who or what "the secondary" may be.
Hmmm. Perhaps a better question is: can I come up with my own answer to that question?
Be seeing you...
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Tony on the Radio
Like a faithful servant, my clock radio awakens me each weekday at 0700. Most days, I'm wrested from the loving arms of Morpheus by the latest vat-grown pop icon, but today I heard instead the stentorian strains of an old friend, one Tony Longworth. Tony's been working at CompuSmart for a few years now, and the company is using him in their ads.
It's clear that Tony is getting a big kick out of the job; he gives it his best over-the-top reading. "I'm Tony, product manager, and if you can find a better price on high-quality computer gear...I'LL MATCH IT!"
Heh. Good for you, Tony. We may not see each other much anymore (and the last time was a happy accident), but it was good to hear your voice.
It's clear that Tony is getting a big kick out of the job; he gives it his best over-the-top reading. "I'm Tony, product manager, and if you can find a better price on high-quality computer gear...I'LL MATCH IT!"
Heh. Good for you, Tony. We may not see each other much anymore (and the last time was a happy accident), but it was good to hear your voice.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Happy Canada/Dominion Day!
136 years old and counting...
The fireworks are scheduled to start at 11 PM, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them from my window. Probably not. Still, it was a good day. Sylvia and I continued our Scrabble grudge matches, and I've nearly caught up to her; she leads six games to five. If it hadn't been for one remarkable play ("WHIZ" on a triple word score that's worth 57 points!), we'd be tied up. Curses!
We played our second-to-last game outside, on a picnic table close to my apartment. Sylvia's got a bit of a bug phobia, and she let out a piercing shriek when a spider leapt from her hair onto the table. I felt my heart seize up for a second, and when I recovered, I expected to hear police sirens. It was that loud.
I discovered today that people I don't even know are reading this blog, so thanks and salutations to Frank Lucas and Alex Zukowsky; I hope this little project remains entertaining.
FAME! I want to live forever...
I'm going to steal a page out of my friend Leslie's blog...
Today I like: thunderstorms.
Today I dislike: rude, crazy waitresses who don't even bother to hide their disdain. Hey, I know you're not making nearly enough money to put up with me, but oy! It'd be nice to order my lasagna without fear. (On a side note, that guy with the very distinctive voice who plays the incredibly annoying poltroon on a million commercials - you know who I mean, he used to be on Popcorn Playhouse - was seated just a few feet away from us.)
Movies That Need to Be on DVD so I Can Buy Them Right Away:
The Green Slime
Robot Monster (Criterion Collection)
The Six Million Dollar Man Season One Box Set
Gilligan's Island - The Complete Series
King Kong
That's all for now...
The fireworks are scheduled to start at 11 PM, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them from my window. Probably not. Still, it was a good day. Sylvia and I continued our Scrabble grudge matches, and I've nearly caught up to her; she leads six games to five. If it hadn't been for one remarkable play ("WHIZ" on a triple word score that's worth 57 points!), we'd be tied up. Curses!
We played our second-to-last game outside, on a picnic table close to my apartment. Sylvia's got a bit of a bug phobia, and she let out a piercing shriek when a spider leapt from her hair onto the table. I felt my heart seize up for a second, and when I recovered, I expected to hear police sirens. It was that loud.
I discovered today that people I don't even know are reading this blog, so thanks and salutations to Frank Lucas and Alex Zukowsky; I hope this little project remains entertaining.
FAME! I want to live forever...
I'm going to steal a page out of my friend Leslie's blog...
Today I like: thunderstorms.
Today I dislike: rude, crazy waitresses who don't even bother to hide their disdain. Hey, I know you're not making nearly enough money to put up with me, but oy! It'd be nice to order my lasagna without fear. (On a side note, that guy with the very distinctive voice who plays the incredibly annoying poltroon on a million commercials - you know who I mean, he used to be on Popcorn Playhouse - was seated just a few feet away from us.)
Movies That Need to Be on DVD so I Can Buy Them Right Away:
The Green Slime
Robot Monster (Criterion Collection)
The Six Million Dollar Man Season One Box Set
Gilligan's Island - The Complete Series
King Kong
That's all for now...
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Distant Earl-y Warning
Having a girlfriend sure keeps you busy! But not busy enough to dissuade me from accepting yet another writing assignment: the “Small Scout Ships” book for the Traveler roleplaying game. That should get me some more geek points! My friend Colin Dunn has been writing a number of supplements for Traveler and Jovian Chronicles, and he was kind enough to foist this on off on – I mean, to give me the opportunity to put my own spin on this particular SF universe. Cool! I’m writing fiction – for MONEY!
Not much money, and it is a game supplement, not a novel, but still…
A strange idea popped into my head a few weeks back: what if I were to take some old science fiction novels and movies with “Earth” in the title and replace “Earth” with “Earl?” What kind of stories would result?
Well, I discovered that if I actually wrote the stories, I could actually construct a far-reaching narrative – dare I say, an epic? Check out this list of novels in the life of a mythical Earl, arranged in chronological order:
The “Day” novels (AKA the Earl-y Years):
When the Earl Was Young
The Day the Earl Stood Still
The Day the Earl Caught Fire
The Day the Earl Got Stoned
The Day It Came to Earl
The Day the Earl Moved
The Long Afternoon of Earl
When the Earl Tilted
The “Anatomy of Earl” series, comprising the novels:
Bones of the Earl
The Brains of Earl
The Monster from Earl’s End
Earl Made of Glass
Earl’s Oddities
Worms of the Earl
Terraforming Earl
The “Earl Enslaved” series, comprising the novels:
Earl Enslaved
The Stubbornest Broad on Earl
Subjugating the Earl
Dibs on Earl
Earl Can Be Fun
The Last Man on Earl
…And the Earl Did Not Swallow Him
The Man Who Fell to Earl
The Greatest Show on Earl
Earl Girls Are Easy
Twixt Heaven and Earl
Inside Earl:
The Hollow Earl
Cave Pirates of the Hollow Earl
At the Earl’s Core
Tarzan at the Earl’s Core
Maureen Birnbaum at the Earl’s Core
The Swashbuckling Years:
Earl, the Marauder
Earl vs. the Spider
Report on the Recent Outbreak of Entertainment from Earl
The Menace from Earl
Emperor Earl:
Imperial Earl
The Empress of Earl
Representative of Earl
Foundation & Earl
The Dalek Invasion of Earl
Galactica Discovers Earl
The Little Green Men Send an Ambassador to Earl
Prisoners of Earl
The Shrines of Earl
Exiled from Earl
Earl’s Offspring:
The Naked Earl
Before Earl Came
Earl Comes
Earlseed
Earlborn
Farewell, Earl’s Bliss
A Child of Earl and Hell
A Child of Earl and Starry Heaven
Daughters of Earl
Inherit the Earl
The Girls from Earl
“The Madness of Emperor Earl,”
An Earl Gone Mad
Cursed Earl Asylum
A Paradigm of Earl
This Island Earl
The Rise and Fall of Earl
Earl on Trial:
The Defendant Earl
The Case for Earl
I Speak for Earl
The Clone Wars:
Earl 2
The Fourteenth Earl
Earl Eighteen
Earl’s Other Shadow
Earl Under Attack:
Target…Earl?
Tom Swift and His Atomic Earl Blaster
Earl vs. the Flying Saucers
Invasion: Earl
The Day Mars Invaded Earl
Battlefield Earl
Suicide Ship to Earl
Earl Factor X
The Man Who Stopped the Earl
The Earl in Peril
Earl Needs a Killer
Retreat from Earl
The Ship That Saved the Earl
Invaders from Earl
The Twilight Years:
Pilgrimage to Earl
But What of Earl?
Ecce and Old Earl
Dawn for a Distant Earl
The Songs of Distant Earl
The Legend That Was Earl
Earl Abides
The Death and Resurrection of Earl:
Assignment: Earl
The Last Days of (Parallel?) Earl
The Earl Killers
The Destruction and Exculpation of Earl
The Man Who Killed the Earl
Earl on Fire
The Dying Earl
The Earl Dies Screaming
How Death Came to Earl
Exit Earl
The Late Great Planet Earl
When the Earl Grew Cold
Cold the Stars Are, Cold the Earl
Requiem for Earl
Soliloquy at the Tomb of Earl
Lest We Forget Thee, Earl
When the Earl Lived
The Spirit of Earl
The Man Who Saved the Earl
The Earl Doth Like a Snake Renew
The Earl is on the Mend
The Search for Earl
Earl Does Not Reply
The Quiet Earl
The Earl is Missing
Echoes of Earl
Earlsong
20 Million Miles to Earl
Five Million Years to Earl
Northwest of Earl
One Step from Earl
The Far Ends of Time and Earl
Earl’s Return
Earlbound
The Bridge to Earl
The Earl Gods are Coming
Earlblood
Earl in Transit
Earl Triumphant
Of course, there would be television spin-offs, including From the Earl to the Moon, Gene Roddenberry’s Planet Earl, and Gene Roddenberry’s Earl: Final Conflict.
Collectively, this massive work shall be known as The Earliad.
Oh, come on. You know you’d buy at least a couple of books in the series…
Not much money, and it is a game supplement, not a novel, but still…
A strange idea popped into my head a few weeks back: what if I were to take some old science fiction novels and movies with “Earth” in the title and replace “Earth” with “Earl?” What kind of stories would result?
Well, I discovered that if I actually wrote the stories, I could actually construct a far-reaching narrative – dare I say, an epic? Check out this list of novels in the life of a mythical Earl, arranged in chronological order:
The “Day” novels (AKA the Earl-y Years):
When the Earl Was Young
The Day the Earl Stood Still
The Day the Earl Caught Fire
The Day the Earl Got Stoned
The Day It Came to Earl
The Day the Earl Moved
The Long Afternoon of Earl
When the Earl Tilted
The “Anatomy of Earl” series, comprising the novels:
Bones of the Earl
The Brains of Earl
The Monster from Earl’s End
Earl Made of Glass
Earl’s Oddities
Worms of the Earl
Terraforming Earl
The “Earl Enslaved” series, comprising the novels:
Earl Enslaved
The Stubbornest Broad on Earl
Subjugating the Earl
Dibs on Earl
Earl Can Be Fun
The Last Man on Earl
…And the Earl Did Not Swallow Him
The Man Who Fell to Earl
The Greatest Show on Earl
Earl Girls Are Easy
Twixt Heaven and Earl
Inside Earl:
The Hollow Earl
Cave Pirates of the Hollow Earl
At the Earl’s Core
Tarzan at the Earl’s Core
Maureen Birnbaum at the Earl’s Core
The Swashbuckling Years:
Earl, the Marauder
Earl vs. the Spider
Report on the Recent Outbreak of Entertainment from Earl
The Menace from Earl
Emperor Earl:
Imperial Earl
The Empress of Earl
Representative of Earl
Foundation & Earl
The Dalek Invasion of Earl
Galactica Discovers Earl
The Little Green Men Send an Ambassador to Earl
Prisoners of Earl
The Shrines of Earl
Exiled from Earl
Earl’s Offspring:
The Naked Earl
Before Earl Came
Earl Comes
Earlseed
Earlborn
Farewell, Earl’s Bliss
A Child of Earl and Hell
A Child of Earl and Starry Heaven
Daughters of Earl
Inherit the Earl
The Girls from Earl
“The Madness of Emperor Earl,”
An Earl Gone Mad
Cursed Earl Asylum
A Paradigm of Earl
This Island Earl
The Rise and Fall of Earl
Earl on Trial:
The Defendant Earl
The Case for Earl
I Speak for Earl
The Clone Wars:
Earl 2
The Fourteenth Earl
Earl Eighteen
Earl’s Other Shadow
Earl Under Attack:
Target…Earl?
Tom Swift and His Atomic Earl Blaster
Earl vs. the Flying Saucers
Invasion: Earl
The Day Mars Invaded Earl
Battlefield Earl
Suicide Ship to Earl
Earl Factor X
The Man Who Stopped the Earl
The Earl in Peril
Earl Needs a Killer
Retreat from Earl
The Ship That Saved the Earl
Invaders from Earl
The Twilight Years:
Pilgrimage to Earl
But What of Earl?
Ecce and Old Earl
Dawn for a Distant Earl
The Songs of Distant Earl
The Legend That Was Earl
Earl Abides
The Death and Resurrection of Earl:
Assignment: Earl
The Last Days of (Parallel?) Earl
The Earl Killers
The Destruction and Exculpation of Earl
The Man Who Killed the Earl
Earl on Fire
The Dying Earl
The Earl Dies Screaming
How Death Came to Earl
Exit Earl
The Late Great Planet Earl
When the Earl Grew Cold
Cold the Stars Are, Cold the Earl
Requiem for Earl
Soliloquy at the Tomb of Earl
Lest We Forget Thee, Earl
When the Earl Lived
The Spirit of Earl
The Man Who Saved the Earl
The Earl Doth Like a Snake Renew
The Earl is on the Mend
The Search for Earl
Earl Does Not Reply
The Quiet Earl
The Earl is Missing
Echoes of Earl
Earlsong
20 Million Miles to Earl
Five Million Years to Earl
Northwest of Earl
One Step from Earl
The Far Ends of Time and Earl
Earl’s Return
Earlbound
The Bridge to Earl
The Earl Gods are Coming
Earlblood
Earl in Transit
Earl Triumphant
Of course, there would be television spin-offs, including From the Earl to the Moon, Gene Roddenberry’s Planet Earl, and Gene Roddenberry’s Earl: Final Conflict.
Collectively, this massive work shall be known as The Earliad.
Oh, come on. You know you’d buy at least a couple of books in the series…
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Bulbs Selling Like Hotcakes
Lois Hole's Favorite Bulbs has sold out in a couple of places (I checked), and Lois is getting fantastic audience response to her speeches. Plus, I think Vegetable Favorites Mark II is going to be quite good.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
Friday, June 06, 2003
Some Days You Get the Bear...
...some days, the bear gets you. Sometimes the bear is an endangered species and you should call a forest ranger! Sometimes the bear is actually a robot guarding the Beam.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
More Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
Perhaps you noticed a cryptic blog entry a few weeks back: the opening teaser of a horror film screenplay. I've decided to move forward with the story, and here's what I've got thus far...
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
The Play's the Thing
I've introduced Sylvia to one of the very best shows on television: Homicide: Life on the Street, via the Seasons 1&2 DVD box set. She loves it, much to my delight - the girl's got class. Remind me to write an analysis of the show's opening credits; I've been meaning to do so for a long time.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Walk to the End of the World
On Sunday, I joined my friends Leslie Vermeer and Nicole Brenda for the annual MS Walk. I raised $120; not as good as last year, but hopefully enough to help. This year’s t-shirt is fire-engine red with a big yellow diamond in the middle, populated by shadow people. Nifty.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Monday, May 12, 2003
A Venomous Comeback
Yesterday was Stephen Fitzpatrick’s birthday, and the night before, a few of his faithful friends gathered at Steve’s to celebrate.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
I'm a big fan of horror movies, including an important sub-genre: the cheap 80s slasher film, in which teenagers are punished for having sex, doing drugs or simply spitting on the sidewalk. Here's the beginning of a screenplay that I hope satirizes these tropes with sufficient whimsy.
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
At the Movies Again
Go see X2. Do it now, because it rocks. I love intelligent science fiction. I love stories with integrity. And I love perfect casting. Even non-geeks will love this film.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
Monday, April 28, 2003
At the Movies - Featuring Bitter Litter
Oops...or maybe it IS working. In safe mode. Hmmph.
At the Movies
Time to take a break from speechwriting. Now the question: call girlfriend (I'm calling her my girlfiend, ha ha) or update the blahg? Why choose when I can do both?
Sylvia and I went to see Identity on Saturday. I went mostly because the previews made the film look like one of those high-concept flicks I love, and because two of my favourite actors, John Cusak and Ray Liotta, star. I also went because this was the film in which Spring Gardening 2002 had a chance to appear. (We received a letter from Columbia Pictures a few months back, asking for permission to use the magazine in a scene from the film.) Sadly, they went with Better Homes & Gardens. Dang.
My verdict? I enjoyed the film, but I was hoping for a twist with a scope that was just a little grander than the one that was eventually revealed. It's still a good film, don't get me wrong, but there were far cooler possibilities...
Afterwards, I dropped Sylvia off at her apartment and went over to Dustin's for a proud tradition: the Stoopid Movie Night. We watched Mike's bungy-jump video - he went to New Zealand and leapt from heights that made me a little queasy, frankly. I'll never be that brave/reckless/daring. Looked like fun, in a way, but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to leap off a precipice and face a 2000 foot plunge into the abyss. Remember, Mike - when you plunge into the abyss, the abyss also plunges into you. Or something.
After Mike's display of derring-do, we watched the Yul Brynner classic, Westworld, and the three Wallace & Gromit shorts.
And now, presenting for the first time anywhere, the fabulous screenplay you've all been waiting for...
BITTER LITTER
Screenplay Earl J. Woods
Director Earl J. Woods
CAST
Vengeful Man Ron Briscoe
The Robot Steven Neumann
The Mad Scientist Susan Neumann
Basil Jeff Shyluk
Victim/Voice of the Artificial Intelligence Earl J. Woods
SETS
The Institute
An apartment
LOCATIONS
A city street
1. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a striped shirt bearing an AIPD (Artificial Intelligence Programming Division) badge.
Credits and theme OVER as we DISSOLVE to
2. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a computer monitor, bearing a crudely-drawn happy face.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world’s very first and only artificial life form, doctor! Are mutants proved so successful?
DISSOLVE to
3. INT. the INSTITUTE. Credits continue as we see female hands preparing a syringe.
DISSOLVE to
4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The MAD SCIENTIST administers the syringe to the ROBOT, who is seated in a high-tech chair.
MAD SCIENTIST: You are just about alive. As soon as you drink the secret formula, Methazolamide, you will be able to arise!
She hands the ROBOT the drink.
The ROBOT drinks.
MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, my creation, you may now arise!
The ROBOT stands.
MAD SCIENTIST: It is amazing! He is alive! I have done it!
CUT to
5. INT. INSTITUTE
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
ROBOT: I am alive.
CUT to
6. INT. INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: Enter!
BASIL enters.
BASIL: Yeah, what do you want, Doctor? Oh, you got the android working? Oh, he’s so lifelike, but does it really work?
The ROBOT reaches out to grasp BASIL’s wrist.
ROBOT: Is this not obvious?
BASIL: Wow! Oh, Doc, that’s amazing. But let me check out his brain readings with the machine.
BASIL waves his brain meter over the ROBOT.
BASIL: I’m getting some funny readings, Doc. Are you sure he’s okay?
MAD SCIENTIST: I have tested him out completely. He is fine. In fact, I am sending him out for his first test run into society in just a few minutes.
BASIL: Are you sure that’s safe, Doc? I dunno – something’s kinda funny here with his head!
Cut to
7. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the Robot. As BASIL waves the brain meter before the ROBOT’s face, the ROBOT grabs BASIL’s wrist again, seemingly offended.
CUT to
8. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the MAD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: Don’t be bitter, Basil. He is going out for his test run into society today.
CUT to
9. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST (V.O.): Remember, Basil, don’t be bitter. Because bitterness leads to death and destruction, and we cannot have death and destruction in society. Just remember – don’t be bitter.
FADE to
10. EXT. CITY STREET
A man is enthusiastically blowing his nose. He discards the tissue, dropping it at his feet. The ROBOT enters the frame.
ROBOT: You should not be bitter.
VICTIM: Bitter? I’m not bitter, all I did was litter.
ROBOT (malfunctioning): Bitter. Litter.
The ROBOT twitches, then menaces the VICTIM.
VICTIM: You’re not human…don’t hurt me! No! Aiiieeee!
The ROBOT chokes the life from the hapless victim.
The VENGEFUL MAN steps into frame.
VENGEFUL MAN: My – my god – you killed that man!
ROBOT: Must return to the Institute.
VENGEFUL MAN: The Institute..!
DISSOLVE to
11. INT. the VENGEFUL MAN’s apartment. The VENGEFUL MAN takes a gun out of his closet and cocks it.
VENGEFUL MAN: This’ll stop that metal monster!
CUT to
12. INT. the INSTITUTE
The MAD SCIENTIST and BASIL examine the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST: He has returned.
BASIL: I dunno, Doc. Something funny about him! Funny reading on the brain machine – I think some of his programming is – I dunno!
The MAD SCIENTIST grabs at the brain scanner, examining the readings herself.
MAD SCIENTIST: Let me see this.
BASIL: Doc!
ROBOT: I went out. I found litter. I told him not to be bitter. He will no longer be bitter anymore.
BASIL: What’s he talking about?
MAD SCIENTIST: These are completely normal readings.
Cut to
13. INT. the INSTITUTE
The VENGEFUL MAN bursts onto the scene, gun in hand.
VENGEFUL MAN: There you are. You killed my brother!
Cut to
14. INT. The INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: That does it... he is fully recharged –
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST react to the VENGEFUL MAN.
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST: Who are you?
Cut to
15. INT. The INSTITUTE
VENGEFUL MAN: You created that abomination, now you die!
The VENGEFUL MAN shoots the MAD SCIENTIST, killing her in a flash of light. Then, he turns to BASIL.
VENGEFUL MAN (chuckling): Now it’s your turn.
BASIL: No, you can’t shoot me!
VENGEFUL MAN: Why not?
BASIL: I don’t wanna be shot, I’m too young to die!
VENGEFUL MAN: You were an accomplice. Now, it’s your turn.
BASIL: Noooooo!
The VENGEFUL MAN takes aim, but his gun jams!
VENGEFUL MAN: Oh, hell!
BASIL sees his chance and takes hold of the cord that connects the central processor of the brain-o-meter to the sensor wand.
BASIL: My mother told me never to be a quitter!
BASIL steps behind the VENGEFUL MAN and uses the cord as an impromptu garrote.
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrrgh!
They struggle.
BASIL: I’ll strangle you, you fiend! Strangle you!
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrgh! Stop!
The VENGEFUL MAN dies. BASIL, his mind snapping, laughs maniacally.
CUT to
16. INT. The INSTITUTE. The ROBOT, impassive while all this has been going on, finally reacts.
ROBOT: Bitter…quitter. Bitter…bitter…
The ROBOT takes a hammer in hand and swings it into BASIL’s skull, killing him.
ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.
Cut to
17. INT. The INSTITUTE.
The DIRECTOR appears, holding the same hammer that the ROBOT used to kill BASIL. He looks paranoid, and makes his way across the room to hide in a closet as he delivers the film’s coda:
DIRECTOR: This has been another Paranoid Production.
FADE TO BLACK.
At the Movies
Time to take a break from speechwriting. Now the question: call girlfriend (I'm calling her my girlfiend, ha ha) or update the blahg? Why choose when I can do both?
Sylvia and I went to see Identity on Saturday. I went mostly because the previews made the film look like one of those high-concept flicks I love, and because two of my favourite actors, John Cusak and Ray Liotta, star. I also went because this was the film in which Spring Gardening 2002 had a chance to appear. (We received a letter from Columbia Pictures a few months back, asking for permission to use the magazine in a scene from the film.) Sadly, they went with Better Homes & Gardens. Dang.
My verdict? I enjoyed the film, but I was hoping for a twist with a scope that was just a little grander than the one that was eventually revealed. It's still a good film, don't get me wrong, but there were far cooler possibilities...
Afterwards, I dropped Sylvia off at her apartment and went over to Dustin's for a proud tradition: the Stoopid Movie Night. We watched Mike's bungy-jump video - he went to New Zealand and leapt from heights that made me a little queasy, frankly. I'll never be that brave/reckless/daring. Looked like fun, in a way, but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to leap off a precipice and face a 2000 foot plunge into the abyss. Remember, Mike - when you plunge into the abyss, the abyss also plunges into you. Or something.
After Mike's display of derring-do, we watched the Yul Brynner classic, Westworld, and the three Wallace & Gromit shorts.
And now, presenting for the first time anywhere, the fabulous screenplay you've all been waiting for...
BITTER LITTER
Screenplay Earl J. Woods
Director Earl J. Woods
CAST
Vengeful Man Ron Briscoe
The Robot Steven Neumann
The Mad Scientist Susan Neumann
Basil Jeff Shyluk
Victim/Voice of the Artificial Intelligence Earl J. Woods
SETS
The Institute
An apartment
LOCATIONS
A city street
1. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a striped shirt bearing an AIPD (Artificial Intelligence Programming Division) badge.
Credits and theme OVER as we DISSOLVE to
2. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a computer monitor, bearing a crudely-drawn happy face.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world’s very first and only artificial life form, doctor! Are mutants proved so successful?
DISSOLVE to
3. INT. the INSTITUTE. Credits continue as we see female hands preparing a syringe.
DISSOLVE to
4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The MAD SCIENTIST administers the syringe to the ROBOT, who is seated in a high-tech chair.
MAD SCIENTIST: You are just about alive. As soon as you drink the secret formula, Methazolamide, you will be able to arise!
She hands the ROBOT the drink.
The ROBOT drinks.
MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, my creation, you may now arise!
The ROBOT stands.
MAD SCIENTIST: It is amazing! He is alive! I have done it!
CUT to
5. INT. INSTITUTE
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
ROBOT: I am alive.
CUT to
6. INT. INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: Enter!
BASIL enters.
BASIL: Yeah, what do you want, Doctor? Oh, you got the android working? Oh, he’s so lifelike, but does it really work?
The ROBOT reaches out to grasp BASIL’s wrist.
ROBOT: Is this not obvious?
BASIL: Wow! Oh, Doc, that’s amazing. But let me check out his brain readings with the machine.
BASIL waves his brain meter over the ROBOT.
BASIL: I’m getting some funny readings, Doc. Are you sure he’s okay?
MAD SCIENTIST: I have tested him out completely. He is fine. In fact, I am sending him out for his first test run into society in just a few minutes.
BASIL: Are you sure that’s safe, Doc? I dunno – something’s kinda funny here with his head!
Cut to
7. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the Robot. As BASIL waves the brain meter before the ROBOT’s face, the ROBOT grabs BASIL’s wrist again, seemingly offended.
CUT to
8. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the MAD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: Don’t be bitter, Basil. He is going out for his test run into society today.
CUT to
9. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST (V.O.): Remember, Basil, don’t be bitter. Because bitterness leads to death and destruction, and we cannot have death and destruction in society. Just remember – don’t be bitter.
FADE to
10. EXT. CITY STREET
A man is enthusiastically blowing his nose. He discards the tissue, dropping it at his feet. The ROBOT enters the frame.
ROBOT: You should not be bitter.
VICTIM: Bitter? I’m not bitter, all I did was litter.
ROBOT (malfunctioning): Bitter. Litter.
The ROBOT twitches, then menaces the VICTIM.
VICTIM: You’re not human…don’t hurt me! No! Aiiieeee!
The ROBOT chokes the life from the hapless victim.
The VENGEFUL MAN steps into frame.
VENGEFUL MAN: My – my god – you killed that man!
ROBOT: Must return to the Institute.
VENGEFUL MAN: The Institute..!
DISSOLVE to
11. INT. the VENGEFUL MAN’s apartment. The VENGEFUL MAN takes a gun out of his closet and cocks it.
VENGEFUL MAN: This’ll stop that metal monster!
CUT to
12. INT. the INSTITUTE
The MAD SCIENTIST and BASIL examine the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST: He has returned.
BASIL: I dunno, Doc. Something funny about him! Funny reading on the brain machine – I think some of his programming is – I dunno!
The MAD SCIENTIST grabs at the brain scanner, examining the readings herself.
MAD SCIENTIST: Let me see this.
BASIL: Doc!
ROBOT: I went out. I found litter. I told him not to be bitter. He will no longer be bitter anymore.
BASIL: What’s he talking about?
MAD SCIENTIST: These are completely normal readings.
Cut to
13. INT. the INSTITUTE
The VENGEFUL MAN bursts onto the scene, gun in hand.
VENGEFUL MAN: There you are. You killed my brother!
Cut to
14. INT. The INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: That does it... he is fully recharged –
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST react to the VENGEFUL MAN.
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST: Who are you?
Cut to
15. INT. The INSTITUTE
VENGEFUL MAN: You created that abomination, now you die!
The VENGEFUL MAN shoots the MAD SCIENTIST, killing her in a flash of light. Then, he turns to BASIL.
VENGEFUL MAN (chuckling): Now it’s your turn.
BASIL: No, you can’t shoot me!
VENGEFUL MAN: Why not?
BASIL: I don’t wanna be shot, I’m too young to die!
VENGEFUL MAN: You were an accomplice. Now, it’s your turn.
BASIL: Noooooo!
The VENGEFUL MAN takes aim, but his gun jams!
VENGEFUL MAN: Oh, hell!
BASIL sees his chance and takes hold of the cord that connects the central processor of the brain-o-meter to the sensor wand.
BASIL: My mother told me never to be a quitter!
BASIL steps behind the VENGEFUL MAN and uses the cord as an impromptu garrote.
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrrgh!
They struggle.
BASIL: I’ll strangle you, you fiend! Strangle you!
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrgh! Stop!
The VENGEFUL MAN dies. BASIL, his mind snapping, laughs maniacally.
CUT to
16. INT. The INSTITUTE. The ROBOT, impassive while all this has been going on, finally reacts.
ROBOT: Bitter…quitter. Bitter…bitter…
The ROBOT takes a hammer in hand and swings it into BASIL’s skull, killing him.
ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.
Cut to
17. INT. The INSTITUTE.
The DIRECTOR appears, holding the same hammer that the ROBOT used to kill BASIL. He looks paranoid, and makes his way across the room to hide in a closet as he delivers the film’s coda:
DIRECTOR: This has been another Paranoid Production.
FADE TO BLACK.
Friday, April 25, 2003
Spider-Mite
Looks like that last blog did indeed get posted, but my attempt to plug Bruce and Leslie's blog failed miserably. That's what I get for attempting to use HTML, grumble grumble. Here's the address: http://moreblaze.blogspot.com/
Sorry, you'll have to cut and paste that into your browser. :-P
I know everyone's eagerly awaiting the Bitter Litter screenplay, but I don't have it here at work. Hmmm...perhaps a poem will do:
Spider-Mite
Spider mite, spider mite
The unfortunate spider mite
Eats my plants, makes them die
Sends their souls to the sky
Watch out! Here comes the spider mite
Do they breed? Listen bub
They’ve got randiness in their blood
Do they swing from a thread?
Take a look, your plant’s dead
Hey there! Here comes the spider mite
In the heat of day
They will breed millions more
You can’t keep them out
Even if you shut the door
Spider mite, spider mite
Unfriendly ravenous spider mite
Spins a web, looks real gross
On the plants in my house
To him, the garden is one big banquet
Where ever plants are hung up
You’ll find the spider mite!
...well, it was a big hit at work...
Sorry, you'll have to cut and paste that into your browser. :-P
I know everyone's eagerly awaiting the Bitter Litter screenplay, but I don't have it here at work. Hmmm...perhaps a poem will do:
Spider-Mite
Spider mite, spider mite
The unfortunate spider mite
Eats my plants, makes them die
Sends their souls to the sky
Watch out! Here comes the spider mite
Do they breed? Listen bub
They’ve got randiness in their blood
Do they swing from a thread?
Take a look, your plant’s dead
Hey there! Here comes the spider mite
In the heat of day
They will breed millions more
You can’t keep them out
Even if you shut the door
Spider mite, spider mite
Unfriendly ravenous spider mite
Spins a web, looks real gross
On the plants in my house
To him, the garden is one big banquet
Where ever plants are hung up
You’ll find the spider mite!
...well, it was a big hit at work...
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Various and Sundry
Note: For two nights in a row, I’ve tried to post this blog from home, only to be thwarted by server errors. Let’s see if a post from my Mac at work is accepted…
Blog-readers, forgive me, for I have sinned; it's been fifteen days since my last entry...
First, a plug: anyone reading this blog (all six of you) should check out another blog, at
. There you'll find the blog of my friends Bruce and Leslie and their son Zak (who has yet to post an entry, I note). Bruce and Leslie also happen to be colleagues; Bruce is the publishing department manager at Hole's (and my nominal boss, although he doesn't like to invoke the hierarchy too often), and Leslie is an ex-boss and often my editor. Both of them are very entertaining, so check out their blog for some cool stream-of-consciousness stuff.
As soon as my friend Allan starts his blog, I'll post a plug here, too. Don't back out, Allan! If I can share my deep, dark secrets with the world, you can, too.
On to other business. I've almost finished watching Gerry Anderson's UFO (see previous blogs, faithful readers!), and the series has taken an interesting turn midway through. Remember how I mentioned that the aliens looked completely human, save a couple of cosmetic changes? Well, as it turns out, something even more sinister is going on...the intrepid men and women of SHADO discover evidence that the humanoid aliens aren't the true forms of the UFOites (oogh) at all. They speculate that the beings they're fighting are a new kind of "machine life..." Kind of a cool precursor to nanotech, although I'm sure that's not what the writers had in mind. I'll have to see what the final four episodes bring.
Coming soon: the screenplay of the Paranoid classic, Bitter Litter!
Blog-readers, forgive me, for I have sinned; it's been fifteen days since my last entry...
First, a plug: anyone reading this blog (all six of you) should check out another blog, at
. There you'll find the blog of my friends Bruce and Leslie and their son Zak (who has yet to post an entry, I note). Bruce and Leslie also happen to be colleagues; Bruce is the publishing department manager at Hole's (and my nominal boss, although he doesn't like to invoke the hierarchy too often), and Leslie is an ex-boss and often my editor. Both of them are very entertaining, so check out their blog for some cool stream-of-consciousness stuff.
As soon as my friend Allan starts his blog, I'll post a plug here, too. Don't back out, Allan! If I can share my deep, dark secrets with the world, you can, too.
On to other business. I've almost finished watching Gerry Anderson's UFO (see previous blogs, faithful readers!), and the series has taken an interesting turn midway through. Remember how I mentioned that the aliens looked completely human, save a couple of cosmetic changes? Well, as it turns out, something even more sinister is going on...the intrepid men and women of SHADO discover evidence that the humanoid aliens aren't the true forms of the UFOites (oogh) at all. They speculate that the beings they're fighting are a new kind of "machine life..." Kind of a cool precursor to nanotech, although I'm sure that's not what the writers had in mind. I'll have to see what the final four episodes bring.
Coming soon: the screenplay of the Paranoid classic, Bitter Litter!
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Alarming
Sylvia's alarm clock scared the wits out of me. It went off like a bomb and I must have leaped four feet in the air. Yikes.
Things Are Going Well
I'm so glad Colin and Julie introduced me to Sylvia. She's very special, and our relationship is developing fast.
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