Picked up The Zombie Survival Guide a couple of days ago; halfway through it now.
1. Stay alert. Keep a close watch on your environment, and watch for danger signs: increased police activity, hoarding, looting, "random" tests of the Emergency Broadcast System.
2. Equip yourself with care. Keep a two-week supply of provisions on hand at all times, as well as an emergency kit if you have to flee the premises suddenly.
3. Your body and mind are weapons; keep them well-honed.
4. Travel in small groups. Three or four are manageable; anything more is a chaotic mob.
5. And most importantly, be as quiet as possible at all times. If you make any noise, the zombies will home in on your position and eat you alive.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Special Guest Blagh: Susan Shyluk
Blahg reader Susan Shyluk responded to my David Bowie blahg, and has kindly given me permission to post her comments here:
"Hi Earl,
I have been a bit behind in reading your blog, and I finally caught up. I really enjoy reading it, you have been doing some really great writing.
When I read about how you attended the Bowie concert I thought of something I would like to share with you. You mentioned that most of these gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money, so I wanted to share with you one I know of that isn't. Where I work we have a room where hospitals, schools and communities can teleconference in groups. Areas all over BC are connected with each other for educational sessions available for staff, and as you may suspect it costs our hospital money for everyone to
attend.
Just recently some doctors have made a wonderful donation of personal conference time to isolated patients. The hospital I work at is a centre for maternity care in the province. We often have pregnant women who are on bedrest for months. Some are separated from their families for the entire time because they live so far away from Vancouver. Because of the donation, we are able to arrange for these women to go on a stretcher to the conference room and live connect with their families who in turn have gone to a similar conference room close to home.
Every day I learn about something like this I am in awe how significantly things are changing. This last weekend I attended a youth conference (I fit the age category of under 35 by 23 days) and I am pleased to see that the new generation has taken this is stride. It makes me wonder if humanity is heading towards the dream that Gene Roddenberry expressed in Star Trek.
Keep on blahgging! Susan."
Thanks, Susan. I found your story quite uplifting; I'm glad you shared it.
Susan's husband Jeff notes that SF author and visionary futurist Arthur C. Clarke should be mentioned, since it was he that originally came up with the idea of communications satellites, a technology without which Bowie's simulcast would have been impossible. So hats off to Sir Arthur, and to everyone who dreams of a better tomorrow.
"Hi Earl,
I have been a bit behind in reading your blog, and I finally caught up. I really enjoy reading it, you have been doing some really great writing.
When I read about how you attended the Bowie concert I thought of something I would like to share with you. You mentioned that most of these gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money, so I wanted to share with you one I know of that isn't. Where I work we have a room where hospitals, schools and communities can teleconference in groups. Areas all over BC are connected with each other for educational sessions available for staff, and as you may suspect it costs our hospital money for everyone to
attend.
Just recently some doctors have made a wonderful donation of personal conference time to isolated patients. The hospital I work at is a centre for maternity care in the province. We often have pregnant women who are on bedrest for months. Some are separated from their families for the entire time because they live so far away from Vancouver. Because of the donation, we are able to arrange for these women to go on a stretcher to the conference room and live connect with their families who in turn have gone to a similar conference room close to home.
Every day I learn about something like this I am in awe how significantly things are changing. This last weekend I attended a youth conference (I fit the age category of under 35 by 23 days) and I am pleased to see that the new generation has taken this is stride. It makes me wonder if humanity is heading towards the dream that Gene Roddenberry expressed in Star Trek.
Keep on blahgging! Susan."
Thanks, Susan. I found your story quite uplifting; I'm glad you shared it.
Susan's husband Jeff notes that SF author and visionary futurist Arthur C. Clarke should be mentioned, since it was he that originally came up with the idea of communications satellites, a technology without which Bowie's simulcast would have been impossible. So hats off to Sir Arthur, and to everyone who dreams of a better tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Plans from Outer Space
Edward D. Wood, Jr. has long been reviled as the worst director of all time. But for several years now, I've investigated Wood's films and his strange, twisted life - and I have come to the shocking conclusion that Wood was, in fact, a documentary filmmaker. Glen or Glenda was an accurate portrayal of the director's obsession with angora sweaters; Bride of the Monster, a revealing look at the dangers of atomic power; and his masterpiece, Plan 9 from Outer Space, an expose disguised as a grade-z science fiction film.
As documented in Plan 9 from Outer Space, the unknown humanoid aliens from beyond planned an insidious attack upon our own dearly departed. As the alien Ruler said,
"Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance
electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead."
Fortunately, brave men of Earth put a stop to this plan, but not before a half-dozen innocent souls fell victim to the aliens' diabolical scheme. But what of Plans 1-8? Until now, the teeming masses of man remained blissfully - but dangerously - ignorant. At last, it can be told - the shocking TRUE FACTS behind the plans that came BEFORE Plan 9...
Plan 1 from Outer Space: Invasion of the Sex Changers (1934)
The Ruler: "Plan 1 involves our agrarian division. Mass planting of our homeworld's gyno beans, planted all over plantations in the continent known as North America. Switching the genders of the people of earth, sundering their sense of self."
The plan failed when alien agents Penos and Shava forgot to take into account the common earth locust, which ate all the gyno bean crops before human beings were even aware of the threat. Endemic drought also contributed to the failure of the plan.
Plan 2 from Outer Space: Carpet Bombing (1936)
The Ruler: "Plan 2, unlike plan 1, cannot fail, for it renders the very sun of this pitiful Earth planet helpless, by means of eliminating the nutrient-rich sun-rays which give life to this pitiful planet Earth."
The plan misfired when alien fiends Gendo and Flebulge surrounded Earth's sun with actual carpet instead of the asbestos sheeting they were supposed to use. The carpet burned, and the "pitiful" inhabitants of earth noticed no ill effects.
Plan 3 from Outer Space: The Sounds of Silence (1937)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 and 2 were flawed because they failed to take into account the strange and special properties of this sun-system, with its yellow star and green-blue third world. But Plan 3, which involves sonic bombardment of Earth from beyond the orbit of their pitiful Moon, will shake, rattle and roll the humans into suffering, shell-shocked submission."
The plan failed when alien Chief Designer Designate Erko forgot that sound waves, no matter how powerful, cannot travel through the airless medium of space. There were no human casualties.
Plan 4 from Outer Space: Bubble Gumfight (1941)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2 and 3 failed due to the resistance of those stubborn humans, their mettle greater than even our cleverest Space Generals anticipated. But Plan 4, with its focus on impressionable teens, will send these simple Solarians into a frenzy of begging for our mercy, which we will not offer. According to your Plan 4 plans, this chewy substance called chewing gum, filled with our powerful mind-control drugs, will sour their teenage minds on authority and bring their pitiful national governments to their knees, leaving them ripe for invasion."
Plan 4 went awry when the aliens added their "mind control drug" to the nation's bubblegum supply. Unfortunately for the aliens, human beings consume sugar without ill effect - save to their teeth.
Plan 5 from Outer Space: Time Slaves (1943)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2, 3 and 4 failed - but Plan 5 is truly infallilble, relying as it does on the humans' own innate savagery. With the new Atomic Time Hole, we can enslave Earth's mightiest warriors, flinging fearsome Roman Legions, bloodthirsty Zulu armies, and crazed Mongol hordes against Earth's defences. Not even the cleverest Earth generals of 1943 can hope to stand fast against our time-lost zombie battallions!"
Plan 5 was the best plan yet, but the aliens, in their ignorance of Earth history, failed to take into account the technological disparities involved when pitting Roman legions, Mongol hordes, and Zulu armies against the sophisticated war machines of the Axis and Allied powers. The invading forces, armed only with swords and spears, were promptly cut to ribbons by machine-guns, bazookas, and torpedoes wherever they appeared.
Plan 6 from Outer Space: Rain of Terror (1950)
The Ruler: "Ah yes, Plan 6 - at last, a foolproof plan, wherein we superior space-men at last bring the foolish, primitive Earth-men under our heel. We shall seed their stratocumulus cloud layer, which protects the humans from ultraviolet radiation, with Atomic Dust, which will force the clouds to lose altitude and break up into deadly sheets of radioactive rain."
Plan 6 was foiled in the testing stages by a group of precocious teens, though three residents of West Armpit, Nebraska, including the county sherrif, were burned into radioactive ash by the alien weapon.
Plan 7 from Outer Space: Pornographic Priestesses (1953)
The Ruler: "Although our last six plans failed, Plan 7 - and I note that the humans consider 7 a lucky number - is a guaranteed success. For this time, we depend upon the very weaknesses of the very Earthlings we seek to conquer. The human procreative drive is the most powerful in the known galaxy, and our seductive "sleeper" agents will seduce Earth's most powerful men into precarious positions from which they are vulnerable to our black-hearted blackmail."
Plan 7 failed because Earth politicians, long masters of adultery, were proficient at escaping the grip of seductive slatterns and gorgeous gigolos.
Plan 8 from Outer Space: Strength in Numbers (1957)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 through 7 all met with failure, not because the humans are inherently superior, but because we have grown too proud. There is strength in numbers, and by calling upon others who have cause to conquer this irritating world, we will surely triumph. Prepare conference by Electro-Atom Video Phone Screen."
Plan 8, while perhaps the most ambitious of the alien plans, failed when our would-be alien conquerors tried fruitlessly for years to contact Ming the Merciless, Guidance Ro-Man, and the brain from planet Arous, unaware that these supposed arch-enemies of man were in fact fictional human creations.
By 1959, the aliens were discouraged, but no less determined to put an end to humanity, a species they saw as a menace to galactic civilization. The visionary Ed Wood fearlessly documented this plan, and perhaps because of the exposure, the aliens retreated, seemingly defeated. But were all of the aliens truly destroyed, as depicted at the end of Wood's documentary? It seems unlikely. While decades have passed since the failure of Plan 9, it seems prudent to keep watching the skies, for our fearsome foes may put the next plan into motion when we least expect it. Ed Wood knew the power of persistence, and so too must we, dear readers, be tirelessly vigilant in our defence of this green and noble world. Are you prepared to face the shocking facts about...Plan 10 from Outer Space?
As documented in Plan 9 from Outer Space, the unknown humanoid aliens from beyond planned an insidious attack upon our own dearly departed. As the alien Ruler said,
"Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance
electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead."
Fortunately, brave men of Earth put a stop to this plan, but not before a half-dozen innocent souls fell victim to the aliens' diabolical scheme. But what of Plans 1-8? Until now, the teeming masses of man remained blissfully - but dangerously - ignorant. At last, it can be told - the shocking TRUE FACTS behind the plans that came BEFORE Plan 9...
Plan 1 from Outer Space: Invasion of the Sex Changers (1934)
The Ruler: "Plan 1 involves our agrarian division. Mass planting of our homeworld's gyno beans, planted all over plantations in the continent known as North America. Switching the genders of the people of earth, sundering their sense of self."
The plan failed when alien agents Penos and Shava forgot to take into account the common earth locust, which ate all the gyno bean crops before human beings were even aware of the threat. Endemic drought also contributed to the failure of the plan.
Plan 2 from Outer Space: Carpet Bombing (1936)
The Ruler: "Plan 2, unlike plan 1, cannot fail, for it renders the very sun of this pitiful Earth planet helpless, by means of eliminating the nutrient-rich sun-rays which give life to this pitiful planet Earth."
The plan misfired when alien fiends Gendo and Flebulge surrounded Earth's sun with actual carpet instead of the asbestos sheeting they were supposed to use. The carpet burned, and the "pitiful" inhabitants of earth noticed no ill effects.
Plan 3 from Outer Space: The Sounds of Silence (1937)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 and 2 were flawed because they failed to take into account the strange and special properties of this sun-system, with its yellow star and green-blue third world. But Plan 3, which involves sonic bombardment of Earth from beyond the orbit of their pitiful Moon, will shake, rattle and roll the humans into suffering, shell-shocked submission."
The plan failed when alien Chief Designer Designate Erko forgot that sound waves, no matter how powerful, cannot travel through the airless medium of space. There were no human casualties.
Plan 4 from Outer Space: Bubble Gumfight (1941)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2 and 3 failed due to the resistance of those stubborn humans, their mettle greater than even our cleverest Space Generals anticipated. But Plan 4, with its focus on impressionable teens, will send these simple Solarians into a frenzy of begging for our mercy, which we will not offer. According to your Plan 4 plans, this chewy substance called chewing gum, filled with our powerful mind-control drugs, will sour their teenage minds on authority and bring their pitiful national governments to their knees, leaving them ripe for invasion."
Plan 4 went awry when the aliens added their "mind control drug" to the nation's bubblegum supply. Unfortunately for the aliens, human beings consume sugar without ill effect - save to their teeth.
Plan 5 from Outer Space: Time Slaves (1943)
The Ruler: "Plans 1, 2, 3 and 4 failed - but Plan 5 is truly infallilble, relying as it does on the humans' own innate savagery. With the new Atomic Time Hole, we can enslave Earth's mightiest warriors, flinging fearsome Roman Legions, bloodthirsty Zulu armies, and crazed Mongol hordes against Earth's defences. Not even the cleverest Earth generals of 1943 can hope to stand fast against our time-lost zombie battallions!"
Plan 5 was the best plan yet, but the aliens, in their ignorance of Earth history, failed to take into account the technological disparities involved when pitting Roman legions, Mongol hordes, and Zulu armies against the sophisticated war machines of the Axis and Allied powers. The invading forces, armed only with swords and spears, were promptly cut to ribbons by machine-guns, bazookas, and torpedoes wherever they appeared.
Plan 6 from Outer Space: Rain of Terror (1950)
The Ruler: "Ah yes, Plan 6 - at last, a foolproof plan, wherein we superior space-men at last bring the foolish, primitive Earth-men under our heel. We shall seed their stratocumulus cloud layer, which protects the humans from ultraviolet radiation, with Atomic Dust, which will force the clouds to lose altitude and break up into deadly sheets of radioactive rain."
Plan 6 was foiled in the testing stages by a group of precocious teens, though three residents of West Armpit, Nebraska, including the county sherrif, were burned into radioactive ash by the alien weapon.
Plan 7 from Outer Space: Pornographic Priestesses (1953)
The Ruler: "Although our last six plans failed, Plan 7 - and I note that the humans consider 7 a lucky number - is a guaranteed success. For this time, we depend upon the very weaknesses of the very Earthlings we seek to conquer. The human procreative drive is the most powerful in the known galaxy, and our seductive "sleeper" agents will seduce Earth's most powerful men into precarious positions from which they are vulnerable to our black-hearted blackmail."
Plan 7 failed because Earth politicians, long masters of adultery, were proficient at escaping the grip of seductive slatterns and gorgeous gigolos.
Plan 8 from Outer Space: Strength in Numbers (1957)
The Ruler: "Plans 1 through 7 all met with failure, not because the humans are inherently superior, but because we have grown too proud. There is strength in numbers, and by calling upon others who have cause to conquer this irritating world, we will surely triumph. Prepare conference by Electro-Atom Video Phone Screen."
Plan 8, while perhaps the most ambitious of the alien plans, failed when our would-be alien conquerors tried fruitlessly for years to contact Ming the Merciless, Guidance Ro-Man, and the brain from planet Arous, unaware that these supposed arch-enemies of man were in fact fictional human creations.
By 1959, the aliens were discouraged, but no less determined to put an end to humanity, a species they saw as a menace to galactic civilization. The visionary Ed Wood fearlessly documented this plan, and perhaps because of the exposure, the aliens retreated, seemingly defeated. But were all of the aliens truly destroyed, as depicted at the end of Wood's documentary? It seems unlikely. While decades have passed since the failure of Plan 9, it seems prudent to keep watching the skies, for our fearsome foes may put the next plan into motion when we least expect it. Ed Wood knew the power of persistence, and so too must we, dear readers, be tirelessly vigilant in our defence of this green and noble world. Are you prepared to face the shocking facts about...Plan 10 from Outer Space?
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Cuts Like a Bowie Knife
My brother and I went to the Silver City Imax last night to see the David Bowie interactive concert. Not only did Bowie and the band put on a great set, but the man was quite charming and funny during the Q&A that followed. It was quite neat; Bowie and a moderator sat in a studio in New York while audience questions were transmitted from Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, Sao Paulo, and Rio de Janiero. There were a few technical glitches, including some bizarre audio looping when Paul, the guy in our Edmonton audience chosen to speak to Bowie, asked his question. Bowie looked a little confused, and no wonder - Paul's voice was echoing back and forth, along with the laughter of our audience when the problem became apparent. Trippy. But he was a trooper and answered the question ("Do you enjoy working in the studio more, or performing live?") with candour.
I couldn't help but ruminate on the phenomenon; fifty thousand people from half a dozen countries, linked via technology in mutual appreciation of a talented artist. I felt something close to elation when I considered the possibilities, tempered by the understanding that such gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money. I can't fault Bowie for that - I've always respected his talent, and he doesn't seem to be in it for the cash - but it's still somewhat sobering.
And yet, I can just imagine giant town hall meetings, people from North and South coming together to hash out the inequities between rich and poor, formulating plans to take back this planet from the robber barons and the scoundrels.
One day...one day.
I couldn't help but ruminate on the phenomenon; fifty thousand people from half a dozen countries, linked via technology in mutual appreciation of a talented artist. I felt something close to elation when I considered the possibilities, tempered by the understanding that such gatherings are almost always motivated by a desire for money. I can't fault Bowie for that - I've always respected his talent, and he doesn't seem to be in it for the cash - but it's still somewhat sobering.
And yet, I can just imagine giant town hall meetings, people from North and South coming together to hash out the inequities between rich and poor, formulating plans to take back this planet from the robber barons and the scoundrels.
One day...one day.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Mister Tambourine Man
By the way, I do not, in fact, own a copy of William Shatner's masterpiece "The Transformed Man," but one day I will indeed have a copy...MISTER TAMBOURINE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!
Special Guest Blogger: Alex Zukowsky
Alex Zukowsky of Edmonton amuses his coworkers by sending Top Ten lists via his work email account, and he's graciously provided a new Top Ten list especially for Bleak House of Blahgs readers. Thanks, Alex!
Top Ten Perks to Owning Your Own Website
10. The money
9. Always have the last word in every argument
8. When pulled over for speeding can get out of ticket by flashing your "web designer" badge
7. Can work on website wearing nothing more then a smile
6. Al Gore personally calls you up to apologize for his "invented the internet" claim
5. The women
4. With pasty white "indoor only" skin you do a great imitation of Michael Jackson
3. Free Dilbert calendar for every 1000 site visitors
2. Ability to explain purchase of William Shatner's 1968 "The Transformed Man" album as work related
and the Number One Perk to Owning Your Own Website...
1. Can misspell word like "Blahs" and come off looking like a genius
Top Ten Perks to Owning Your Own Website
10. The money
9. Always have the last word in every argument
8. When pulled over for speeding can get out of ticket by flashing your "web designer" badge
7. Can work on website wearing nothing more then a smile
6. Al Gore personally calls you up to apologize for his "invented the internet" claim
5. The women
4. With pasty white "indoor only" skin you do a great imitation of Michael Jackson
3. Free Dilbert calendar for every 1000 site visitors
2. Ability to explain purchase of William Shatner's 1968 "The Transformed Man" album as work related
and the Number One Perk to Owning Your Own Website...
1. Can misspell word like "Blahs" and come off looking like a genius
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Victory is Mine
At last, after sixteen arduous games of Scrabble, I've tied Sylvia. We each have eight wins apiece.
I'm back at work and the pace is frenetic...
There's a mosquito in the apartment!!!!! :-O
I'm back at work and the pace is frenetic...
There's a mosquito in the apartment!!!!! :-O
Thursday, August 28, 2003
A Hot Time in Radium Hot Springs
Sylvia and I are back from Radium Hot Springs. Much fun was had, even though our intended journey through BC was cut short BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! We drove right by a burning mountain - the biggest fire I've ever witnessed. Quite a sight. After making it through that with barely a singe, we were nearly caught in a rockslide near the Yoho bridge, currently being refurbished. Okay, it was a small rockslide, but still worrisome, and I got dust all over my car. :-(
Our hotel room (at $95 per night, quite a steal) had a built-in private jacuzzi. Talk about relaxing - I nearly fainted in there. And at the hot springs, for that matter.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Shots to the Teeth
Susan Shyluk notes that her brother Steven Neumann won the Earl blog pool by being the first in their clan to be mentioned in the Bleak House of Blahgs. It's strange I haven't written about Steven, Susan, or Susan's husband Jeff before, since there are so many great stories about them.
Jeff, for example, has taken several punishing blows to the teeth in the time I've known him - ironic, since he tells a great Teeth Tale himself, about a young man who shattered his teeth on a gymnasium floor. But that's another tale.
Two of Jeff's teeth torment tales take place in the office of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club, still located in room 620 of the Student's Union Building. I don't quite recall the chronology of events, but during one incident, ST and Scuba Club member Andrea MacLeod was bouncing a nickel off the desk. An errant bounce caught Jeff in the upper incisors, and the sound was like...well, like a nickel smacking headlong into a defenceless set of choppers. Jeff yelled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
The Star Trek Club teeth story had similar roots (if you'll pardon the pun). I (or was it Tony Longworth?) was flicking a plastic paper clamp across the desk, using the spring action to propel it, when it flew into the air and smacked Jeff - you guessed it - square in the teeth. He yowled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Later, a bunch of us went down to Hawrelak Park to play frisbee. Well, not frisbee - we were tossing one of those flying rings around. We stood in a large circle, passing the toy back and forth, and for whatever reason, the circle got smaller, until Jeff and Susan were only three or four metres apart. The ring came to Susan, and she flung it with all her might at Jeff, not noticing how close he was. Jeff's arms were outstretched, and it looked like he was attempting to catch the ring in his teeth. Well, he caught it in the teeth all right - the ring mashed Jeff's lips against his brutalized incisors with a rubbery "twang," then rebounded into some bushes. Jeff howled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Poor Jeff.
Jeff, for example, has taken several punishing blows to the teeth in the time I've known him - ironic, since he tells a great Teeth Tale himself, about a young man who shattered his teeth on a gymnasium floor. But that's another tale.
Two of Jeff's teeth torment tales take place in the office of the University of Alberta Star Trek Club, still located in room 620 of the Student's Union Building. I don't quite recall the chronology of events, but during one incident, ST and Scuba Club member Andrea MacLeod was bouncing a nickel off the desk. An errant bounce caught Jeff in the upper incisors, and the sound was like...well, like a nickel smacking headlong into a defenceless set of choppers. Jeff yelled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
The Star Trek Club teeth story had similar roots (if you'll pardon the pun). I (or was it Tony Longworth?) was flicking a plastic paper clamp across the desk, using the spring action to propel it, when it flew into the air and smacked Jeff - you guessed it - square in the teeth. He yowled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Later, a bunch of us went down to Hawrelak Park to play frisbee. Well, not frisbee - we were tossing one of those flying rings around. We stood in a large circle, passing the toy back and forth, and for whatever reason, the circle got smaller, until Jeff and Susan were only three or four metres apart. The ring came to Susan, and she flung it with all her might at Jeff, not noticing how close he was. Jeff's arms were outstretched, and it looked like he was attempting to catch the ring in his teeth. Well, he caught it in the teeth all right - the ring mashed Jeff's lips against his brutalized incisors with a rubbery "twang," then rebounded into some bushes. Jeff howled and clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes watering.
Poor Jeff.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
DVD ALERT!
HOLY SMASHAMOLEY!!!! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy is out on DVD!!!!!
I've seen the preview for this little-known film perhaps100 times, and it never gets old. As a clunking, clanking contraption of rivets and steel drums menaces mankind, to the rescue comes - THE AZTEC MUMMY! A shambling monstrosity, now mankind's ONLY HOPE!!!!!!! :-O
In the preview, the announcer screams, "The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!" And that's just what I'm screaming now! The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!! Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!
Since there are several "Aztec Mummy" films, I'm betting the Aztec Mummy wins, but even so, I can't wait to see this little gem. I mean, judging by the preview, it has several elements true cinephiles drool over:
1) A fake-looking humanoid robot that wreaks all kinds of havoc, sending villagers into a wild panic
2) An aztec mummy
3) An aztec mummy smashing through walls
4) A robot fighting an Aztec mummy
5) Underground tunnels
6) Loopy, completely insane dialogue delivered with the utmost gravity
Shout it out, my homies! THE ROBOT - VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!!
HOLY SMASHAMOLEY!!!! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy is out on DVD!!!!!
I've seen the preview for this little-known film perhaps100 times, and it never gets old. As a clunking, clanking contraption of rivets and steel drums menaces mankind, to the rescue comes - THE AZTEC MUMMY! A shambling monstrosity, now mankind's ONLY HOPE!!!!!!! :-O
In the preview, the announcer screams, "The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!" And that's just what I'm screaming now! The ROBOT - versus the AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!! Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!
Since there are several "Aztec Mummy" films, I'm betting the Aztec Mummy wins, but even so, I can't wait to see this little gem. I mean, judging by the preview, it has several elements true cinephiles drool over:
1) A fake-looking humanoid robot that wreaks all kinds of havoc, sending villagers into a wild panic
2) An aztec mummy
3) An aztec mummy smashing through walls
4) A robot fighting an Aztec mummy
5) Underground tunnels
6) Loopy, completely insane dialogue delivered with the utmost gravity
Shout it out, my homies! THE ROBOT - VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Clowns
Clowns, clowns, they're evil and weird
Even young children and pets have they jeered
Clowns, clowns, with faces all painted
Even strong men when confronted have fainted
Who was the sadist who came up with clowns?
Those merry mad demons who joyfully drown
All hopes and all dreams and all manner of joy
Who cheerfully laugh as they eat little boys
If I had two wishes, the first thing I'd do
Is wish all clowns away, and for wish number two
I'd erase all the clowns who lived in the past
(Like Fatty Arbuckle, alleged pederast)
Clowns, clowns, they juggle and jape
Those terrible, tortured, juggling jackanapes
Harlequin horrors under the big tops
Backstabbing jesters, dagger-toothed fops
Clowns, clowns, Pagliacchis and Jokers
Stabbing your eyes out with gleaming hot pokers
Joy buzzers and spritzers and fools stuffed in cars
A pie in the face, and Bozo on Mars...
Clowns, clowns, they won't go away
No matter how much little boys and girls pray
Even young children and pets have they jeered
Clowns, clowns, with faces all painted
Even strong men when confronted have fainted
Who was the sadist who came up with clowns?
Those merry mad demons who joyfully drown
All hopes and all dreams and all manner of joy
Who cheerfully laugh as they eat little boys
If I had two wishes, the first thing I'd do
Is wish all clowns away, and for wish number two
I'd erase all the clowns who lived in the past
(Like Fatty Arbuckle, alleged pederast)
Clowns, clowns, they juggle and jape
Those terrible, tortured, juggling jackanapes
Harlequin horrors under the big tops
Backstabbing jesters, dagger-toothed fops
Clowns, clowns, Pagliacchis and Jokers
Stabbing your eyes out with gleaming hot pokers
Joy buzzers and spritzers and fools stuffed in cars
A pie in the face, and Bozo on Mars...
Clowns, clowns, they won't go away
No matter how much little boys and girls pray
Friday, August 01, 2003
Review: Pirates of the Caribbean
Sylvia and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean last Friday. Here’s my review:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is the best pirate movie since the days of Errol Flynn. The film succeeds because of two key elements: sincerity and a great sense of fun.
The first step in creating a good film is to write a good script. This is common sense, but it seems almost a lost art these days. Lo and behold, Pirates not only has witty dialogue, but a logical plot that unfolds with precision and clarity. Most action films these days are just a collection of expensive set pieces connected by the most fragile threads, but not so here; each bit of action is integral to the story.
And a good story it is, with likeable (or appropriately detestable) characters who have actual motivations for their actions and understandable goals. The predicament of the villains, led by Geoffrey Rush’s pirate scourge Barbossa, is so ghastly that you even root for the bad guys a little, if only out of sympathy.
And who can help adoring Johnny Depp’s lovable rogue, Jack Sparrow, the pirate without a ship? He’s the Hunter S. Thompson of the seas, looking and acting as though he’s taken a lot of really good drugs to shore up his courage for his many acts of derring-do. Of course, any man who takes a date to the film will have to put up with some swooning over Depp, but that’s all right; there’s plenty of scenery for the men to admire, too.
Orlando Bloom as blacksmith Will Tanner and Keira Knightley as damsel-in-distress Elizabeth Swann play the straight roles here, commoner and noblewoman who are clearly meant for each other, no matter that society forbids fraternization between classes. Bloom reminded me very much of Errol Flynn, in fact; he buckles his swash with extreme flair, and Knightley is spunky and independent without being overbearing. Plus, she looks great in a corset.
There’s a lot of fun to be had from the supporting cast, too, most especially the British navy men, whose upper lips are so stiff that I’m sure they could repel cannonballs. Jack Sparrow’s pirate friends are only sketchily drawn, but they’re likeable nonetheless; the black female character can even be seen as a progressive element in the film; her race and sex are never commented upon, and yet she’s presented as a pirate captain in her own right, and takes the helm of the Interceptor during the key naval battle.
The action sequences—chiefly swordfights and ship-to-ship combat—are spectacular, an overused adjective that nonetheless applies here.
The battle between Barbossa’s Black Pearl—usurped from Depp’s character before the film begins—and Sparrow’s stolen British ship, the Interceptor, is a thrilling spectacle, with cannon fire aplenty, grappling hooks flying everywhere, a suspenseful chase, and a brilliant maneuver that I’ve never seen before, but which seems so logical that I’m surprised this is the first time we’ve seen it in a film.
The special effects are seamlessly integrated into the film, used only when appropriate, and they’re very effective. Special effects should always be used to serve the story, never the other way around, and it’s a huge relief to see them used properly.
Klaus Bedelt’s score is perfectly suited to the raucous goings-on, and reminded me of the glory days of Erich Korngold. There’s lots of crashing percussion and soaring brass, all appropriately nautical—perfect music to shoot cannons and cross swords by.
Clearly, the filmmakers approached this material with an abiding respect for the genre, but neither are they afraid to send up its excesses. The key animal sidekicks—monkey and parrot—have been included, there’s a desert island, rum, a stodgy colonial governor, scurvy dogs, pieces of eight, the skull and crossbones, flintlocks, broadsides, the plank, the obligatory comic relief, and almost all the other pirate trappings. The only things missing, as far as I can determine, were a character with a peg leg and someone with a hook for a hand. Maybe in the sequel.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is pure escapist entertainment at its best. It’s lighthearted, funny, exciting, romantic, and it does all this without pandering to the audience. It’s my second-favourite film of the year, after X2.
By the way, don’t be in a great rush to leave as the credits roll; as is becoming increasingly common in films these days, there’s an extra treat at the very end. Call it the “post-credits coda.”
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is the best pirate movie since the days of Errol Flynn. The film succeeds because of two key elements: sincerity and a great sense of fun.
The first step in creating a good film is to write a good script. This is common sense, but it seems almost a lost art these days. Lo and behold, Pirates not only has witty dialogue, but a logical plot that unfolds with precision and clarity. Most action films these days are just a collection of expensive set pieces connected by the most fragile threads, but not so here; each bit of action is integral to the story.
And a good story it is, with likeable (or appropriately detestable) characters who have actual motivations for their actions and understandable goals. The predicament of the villains, led by Geoffrey Rush’s pirate scourge Barbossa, is so ghastly that you even root for the bad guys a little, if only out of sympathy.
And who can help adoring Johnny Depp’s lovable rogue, Jack Sparrow, the pirate without a ship? He’s the Hunter S. Thompson of the seas, looking and acting as though he’s taken a lot of really good drugs to shore up his courage for his many acts of derring-do. Of course, any man who takes a date to the film will have to put up with some swooning over Depp, but that’s all right; there’s plenty of scenery for the men to admire, too.
Orlando Bloom as blacksmith Will Tanner and Keira Knightley as damsel-in-distress Elizabeth Swann play the straight roles here, commoner and noblewoman who are clearly meant for each other, no matter that society forbids fraternization between classes. Bloom reminded me very much of Errol Flynn, in fact; he buckles his swash with extreme flair, and Knightley is spunky and independent without being overbearing. Plus, she looks great in a corset.
There’s a lot of fun to be had from the supporting cast, too, most especially the British navy men, whose upper lips are so stiff that I’m sure they could repel cannonballs. Jack Sparrow’s pirate friends are only sketchily drawn, but they’re likeable nonetheless; the black female character can even be seen as a progressive element in the film; her race and sex are never commented upon, and yet she’s presented as a pirate captain in her own right, and takes the helm of the Interceptor during the key naval battle.
The action sequences—chiefly swordfights and ship-to-ship combat—are spectacular, an overused adjective that nonetheless applies here.
The battle between Barbossa’s Black Pearl—usurped from Depp’s character before the film begins—and Sparrow’s stolen British ship, the Interceptor, is a thrilling spectacle, with cannon fire aplenty, grappling hooks flying everywhere, a suspenseful chase, and a brilliant maneuver that I’ve never seen before, but which seems so logical that I’m surprised this is the first time we’ve seen it in a film.
The special effects are seamlessly integrated into the film, used only when appropriate, and they’re very effective. Special effects should always be used to serve the story, never the other way around, and it’s a huge relief to see them used properly.
Klaus Bedelt’s score is perfectly suited to the raucous goings-on, and reminded me of the glory days of Erich Korngold. There’s lots of crashing percussion and soaring brass, all appropriately nautical—perfect music to shoot cannons and cross swords by.
Clearly, the filmmakers approached this material with an abiding respect for the genre, but neither are they afraid to send up its excesses. The key animal sidekicks—monkey and parrot—have been included, there’s a desert island, rum, a stodgy colonial governor, scurvy dogs, pieces of eight, the skull and crossbones, flintlocks, broadsides, the plank, the obligatory comic relief, and almost all the other pirate trappings. The only things missing, as far as I can determine, were a character with a peg leg and someone with a hook for a hand. Maybe in the sequel.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl is pure escapist entertainment at its best. It’s lighthearted, funny, exciting, romantic, and it does all this without pandering to the audience. It’s my second-favourite film of the year, after X2.
By the way, don’t be in a great rush to leave as the credits roll; as is becoming increasingly common in films these days, there’s an extra treat at the very end. Call it the “post-credits coda.”
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Dreaming of Days to Come in This World and Others
May the cube be with you!
Last night, I dreamed that my girlfriend Sylvia was reading my first novel, hot off the presses. It was called The Secondary, and it featured a balding, bespectacled man examining a compass, of the sort you use to draw a circle.
Since every dream is simply a brief glimpse of a parallel universe, I can't help but wonder if the Earl living in that world is pleased with his success. I hope so - and I wish I could ask him what the story's about, and who or what "the secondary" may be.
Hmmm. Perhaps a better question is: can I come up with my own answer to that question?
Be seeing you...
Last night, I dreamed that my girlfriend Sylvia was reading my first novel, hot off the presses. It was called The Secondary, and it featured a balding, bespectacled man examining a compass, of the sort you use to draw a circle.
Since every dream is simply a brief glimpse of a parallel universe, I can't help but wonder if the Earl living in that world is pleased with his success. I hope so - and I wish I could ask him what the story's about, and who or what "the secondary" may be.
Hmmm. Perhaps a better question is: can I come up with my own answer to that question?
Be seeing you...
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Tony on the Radio
Like a faithful servant, my clock radio awakens me each weekday at 0700. Most days, I'm wrested from the loving arms of Morpheus by the latest vat-grown pop icon, but today I heard instead the stentorian strains of an old friend, one Tony Longworth. Tony's been working at CompuSmart for a few years now, and the company is using him in their ads.
It's clear that Tony is getting a big kick out of the job; he gives it his best over-the-top reading. "I'm Tony, product manager, and if you can find a better price on high-quality computer gear...I'LL MATCH IT!"
Heh. Good for you, Tony. We may not see each other much anymore (and the last time was a happy accident), but it was good to hear your voice.
It's clear that Tony is getting a big kick out of the job; he gives it his best over-the-top reading. "I'm Tony, product manager, and if you can find a better price on high-quality computer gear...I'LL MATCH IT!"
Heh. Good for you, Tony. We may not see each other much anymore (and the last time was a happy accident), but it was good to hear your voice.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Happy Canada/Dominion Day!
136 years old and counting...
The fireworks are scheduled to start at 11 PM, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them from my window. Probably not. Still, it was a good day. Sylvia and I continued our Scrabble grudge matches, and I've nearly caught up to her; she leads six games to five. If it hadn't been for one remarkable play ("WHIZ" on a triple word score that's worth 57 points!), we'd be tied up. Curses!
We played our second-to-last game outside, on a picnic table close to my apartment. Sylvia's got a bit of a bug phobia, and she let out a piercing shriek when a spider leapt from her hair onto the table. I felt my heart seize up for a second, and when I recovered, I expected to hear police sirens. It was that loud.
I discovered today that people I don't even know are reading this blog, so thanks and salutations to Frank Lucas and Alex Zukowsky; I hope this little project remains entertaining.
FAME! I want to live forever...
I'm going to steal a page out of my friend Leslie's blog...
Today I like: thunderstorms.
Today I dislike: rude, crazy waitresses who don't even bother to hide their disdain. Hey, I know you're not making nearly enough money to put up with me, but oy! It'd be nice to order my lasagna without fear. (On a side note, that guy with the very distinctive voice who plays the incredibly annoying poltroon on a million commercials - you know who I mean, he used to be on Popcorn Playhouse - was seated just a few feet away from us.)
Movies That Need to Be on DVD so I Can Buy Them Right Away:
The Green Slime
Robot Monster (Criterion Collection)
The Six Million Dollar Man Season One Box Set
Gilligan's Island - The Complete Series
King Kong
That's all for now...
The fireworks are scheduled to start at 11 PM, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them from my window. Probably not. Still, it was a good day. Sylvia and I continued our Scrabble grudge matches, and I've nearly caught up to her; she leads six games to five. If it hadn't been for one remarkable play ("WHIZ" on a triple word score that's worth 57 points!), we'd be tied up. Curses!
We played our second-to-last game outside, on a picnic table close to my apartment. Sylvia's got a bit of a bug phobia, and she let out a piercing shriek when a spider leapt from her hair onto the table. I felt my heart seize up for a second, and when I recovered, I expected to hear police sirens. It was that loud.
I discovered today that people I don't even know are reading this blog, so thanks and salutations to Frank Lucas and Alex Zukowsky; I hope this little project remains entertaining.
FAME! I want to live forever...
I'm going to steal a page out of my friend Leslie's blog...
Today I like: thunderstorms.
Today I dislike: rude, crazy waitresses who don't even bother to hide their disdain. Hey, I know you're not making nearly enough money to put up with me, but oy! It'd be nice to order my lasagna without fear. (On a side note, that guy with the very distinctive voice who plays the incredibly annoying poltroon on a million commercials - you know who I mean, he used to be on Popcorn Playhouse - was seated just a few feet away from us.)
Movies That Need to Be on DVD so I Can Buy Them Right Away:
The Green Slime
Robot Monster (Criterion Collection)
The Six Million Dollar Man Season One Box Set
Gilligan's Island - The Complete Series
King Kong
That's all for now...
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Distant Earl-y Warning
Having a girlfriend sure keeps you busy! But not busy enough to dissuade me from accepting yet another writing assignment: the “Small Scout Ships” book for the Traveler roleplaying game. That should get me some more geek points! My friend Colin Dunn has been writing a number of supplements for Traveler and Jovian Chronicles, and he was kind enough to foist this on off on – I mean, to give me the opportunity to put my own spin on this particular SF universe. Cool! I’m writing fiction – for MONEY!
Not much money, and it is a game supplement, not a novel, but still…
A strange idea popped into my head a few weeks back: what if I were to take some old science fiction novels and movies with “Earth” in the title and replace “Earth” with “Earl?” What kind of stories would result?
Well, I discovered that if I actually wrote the stories, I could actually construct a far-reaching narrative – dare I say, an epic? Check out this list of novels in the life of a mythical Earl, arranged in chronological order:
The “Day” novels (AKA the Earl-y Years):
When the Earl Was Young
The Day the Earl Stood Still
The Day the Earl Caught Fire
The Day the Earl Got Stoned
The Day It Came to Earl
The Day the Earl Moved
The Long Afternoon of Earl
When the Earl Tilted
The “Anatomy of Earl” series, comprising the novels:
Bones of the Earl
The Brains of Earl
The Monster from Earl’s End
Earl Made of Glass
Earl’s Oddities
Worms of the Earl
Terraforming Earl
The “Earl Enslaved” series, comprising the novels:
Earl Enslaved
The Stubbornest Broad on Earl
Subjugating the Earl
Dibs on Earl
Earl Can Be Fun
The Last Man on Earl
…And the Earl Did Not Swallow Him
The Man Who Fell to Earl
The Greatest Show on Earl
Earl Girls Are Easy
Twixt Heaven and Earl
Inside Earl:
The Hollow Earl
Cave Pirates of the Hollow Earl
At the Earl’s Core
Tarzan at the Earl’s Core
Maureen Birnbaum at the Earl’s Core
The Swashbuckling Years:
Earl, the Marauder
Earl vs. the Spider
Report on the Recent Outbreak of Entertainment from Earl
The Menace from Earl
Emperor Earl:
Imperial Earl
The Empress of Earl
Representative of Earl
Foundation & Earl
The Dalek Invasion of Earl
Galactica Discovers Earl
The Little Green Men Send an Ambassador to Earl
Prisoners of Earl
The Shrines of Earl
Exiled from Earl
Earl’s Offspring:
The Naked Earl
Before Earl Came
Earl Comes
Earlseed
Earlborn
Farewell, Earl’s Bliss
A Child of Earl and Hell
A Child of Earl and Starry Heaven
Daughters of Earl
Inherit the Earl
The Girls from Earl
“The Madness of Emperor Earl,”
An Earl Gone Mad
Cursed Earl Asylum
A Paradigm of Earl
This Island Earl
The Rise and Fall of Earl
Earl on Trial:
The Defendant Earl
The Case for Earl
I Speak for Earl
The Clone Wars:
Earl 2
The Fourteenth Earl
Earl Eighteen
Earl’s Other Shadow
Earl Under Attack:
Target…Earl?
Tom Swift and His Atomic Earl Blaster
Earl vs. the Flying Saucers
Invasion: Earl
The Day Mars Invaded Earl
Battlefield Earl
Suicide Ship to Earl
Earl Factor X
The Man Who Stopped the Earl
The Earl in Peril
Earl Needs a Killer
Retreat from Earl
The Ship That Saved the Earl
Invaders from Earl
The Twilight Years:
Pilgrimage to Earl
But What of Earl?
Ecce and Old Earl
Dawn for a Distant Earl
The Songs of Distant Earl
The Legend That Was Earl
Earl Abides
The Death and Resurrection of Earl:
Assignment: Earl
The Last Days of (Parallel?) Earl
The Earl Killers
The Destruction and Exculpation of Earl
The Man Who Killed the Earl
Earl on Fire
The Dying Earl
The Earl Dies Screaming
How Death Came to Earl
Exit Earl
The Late Great Planet Earl
When the Earl Grew Cold
Cold the Stars Are, Cold the Earl
Requiem for Earl
Soliloquy at the Tomb of Earl
Lest We Forget Thee, Earl
When the Earl Lived
The Spirit of Earl
The Man Who Saved the Earl
The Earl Doth Like a Snake Renew
The Earl is on the Mend
The Search for Earl
Earl Does Not Reply
The Quiet Earl
The Earl is Missing
Echoes of Earl
Earlsong
20 Million Miles to Earl
Five Million Years to Earl
Northwest of Earl
One Step from Earl
The Far Ends of Time and Earl
Earl’s Return
Earlbound
The Bridge to Earl
The Earl Gods are Coming
Earlblood
Earl in Transit
Earl Triumphant
Of course, there would be television spin-offs, including From the Earl to the Moon, Gene Roddenberry’s Planet Earl, and Gene Roddenberry’s Earl: Final Conflict.
Collectively, this massive work shall be known as The Earliad.
Oh, come on. You know you’d buy at least a couple of books in the series…
Not much money, and it is a game supplement, not a novel, but still…
A strange idea popped into my head a few weeks back: what if I were to take some old science fiction novels and movies with “Earth” in the title and replace “Earth” with “Earl?” What kind of stories would result?
Well, I discovered that if I actually wrote the stories, I could actually construct a far-reaching narrative – dare I say, an epic? Check out this list of novels in the life of a mythical Earl, arranged in chronological order:
The “Day” novels (AKA the Earl-y Years):
When the Earl Was Young
The Day the Earl Stood Still
The Day the Earl Caught Fire
The Day the Earl Got Stoned
The Day It Came to Earl
The Day the Earl Moved
The Long Afternoon of Earl
When the Earl Tilted
The “Anatomy of Earl” series, comprising the novels:
Bones of the Earl
The Brains of Earl
The Monster from Earl’s End
Earl Made of Glass
Earl’s Oddities
Worms of the Earl
Terraforming Earl
The “Earl Enslaved” series, comprising the novels:
Earl Enslaved
The Stubbornest Broad on Earl
Subjugating the Earl
Dibs on Earl
Earl Can Be Fun
The Last Man on Earl
…And the Earl Did Not Swallow Him
The Man Who Fell to Earl
The Greatest Show on Earl
Earl Girls Are Easy
Twixt Heaven and Earl
Inside Earl:
The Hollow Earl
Cave Pirates of the Hollow Earl
At the Earl’s Core
Tarzan at the Earl’s Core
Maureen Birnbaum at the Earl’s Core
The Swashbuckling Years:
Earl, the Marauder
Earl vs. the Spider
Report on the Recent Outbreak of Entertainment from Earl
The Menace from Earl
Emperor Earl:
Imperial Earl
The Empress of Earl
Representative of Earl
Foundation & Earl
The Dalek Invasion of Earl
Galactica Discovers Earl
The Little Green Men Send an Ambassador to Earl
Prisoners of Earl
The Shrines of Earl
Exiled from Earl
Earl’s Offspring:
The Naked Earl
Before Earl Came
Earl Comes
Earlseed
Earlborn
Farewell, Earl’s Bliss
A Child of Earl and Hell
A Child of Earl and Starry Heaven
Daughters of Earl
Inherit the Earl
The Girls from Earl
“The Madness of Emperor Earl,”
An Earl Gone Mad
Cursed Earl Asylum
A Paradigm of Earl
This Island Earl
The Rise and Fall of Earl
Earl on Trial:
The Defendant Earl
The Case for Earl
I Speak for Earl
The Clone Wars:
Earl 2
The Fourteenth Earl
Earl Eighteen
Earl’s Other Shadow
Earl Under Attack:
Target…Earl?
Tom Swift and His Atomic Earl Blaster
Earl vs. the Flying Saucers
Invasion: Earl
The Day Mars Invaded Earl
Battlefield Earl
Suicide Ship to Earl
Earl Factor X
The Man Who Stopped the Earl
The Earl in Peril
Earl Needs a Killer
Retreat from Earl
The Ship That Saved the Earl
Invaders from Earl
The Twilight Years:
Pilgrimage to Earl
But What of Earl?
Ecce and Old Earl
Dawn for a Distant Earl
The Songs of Distant Earl
The Legend That Was Earl
Earl Abides
The Death and Resurrection of Earl:
Assignment: Earl
The Last Days of (Parallel?) Earl
The Earl Killers
The Destruction and Exculpation of Earl
The Man Who Killed the Earl
Earl on Fire
The Dying Earl
The Earl Dies Screaming
How Death Came to Earl
Exit Earl
The Late Great Planet Earl
When the Earl Grew Cold
Cold the Stars Are, Cold the Earl
Requiem for Earl
Soliloquy at the Tomb of Earl
Lest We Forget Thee, Earl
When the Earl Lived
The Spirit of Earl
The Man Who Saved the Earl
The Earl Doth Like a Snake Renew
The Earl is on the Mend
The Search for Earl
Earl Does Not Reply
The Quiet Earl
The Earl is Missing
Echoes of Earl
Earlsong
20 Million Miles to Earl
Five Million Years to Earl
Northwest of Earl
One Step from Earl
The Far Ends of Time and Earl
Earl’s Return
Earlbound
The Bridge to Earl
The Earl Gods are Coming
Earlblood
Earl in Transit
Earl Triumphant
Of course, there would be television spin-offs, including From the Earl to the Moon, Gene Roddenberry’s Planet Earl, and Gene Roddenberry’s Earl: Final Conflict.
Collectively, this massive work shall be known as The Earliad.
Oh, come on. You know you’d buy at least a couple of books in the series…
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Bulbs Selling Like Hotcakes
Lois Hole's Favorite Bulbs has sold out in a couple of places (I checked), and Lois is getting fantastic audience response to her speeches. Plus, I think Vegetable Favorites Mark II is going to be quite good.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
Friday, June 06, 2003
Some Days You Get the Bear...
...some days, the bear gets you. Sometimes the bear is an endangered species and you should call a forest ranger! Sometimes the bear is actually a robot guarding the Beam.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
More Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
Perhaps you noticed a cryptic blog entry a few weeks back: the opening teaser of a horror film screenplay. I've decided to move forward with the story, and here's what I've got thus far...
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
The Play's the Thing
I've introduced Sylvia to one of the very best shows on television: Homicide: Life on the Street, via the Seasons 1&2 DVD box set. She loves it, much to my delight - the girl's got class. Remind me to write an analysis of the show's opening credits; I've been meaning to do so for a long time.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Walk to the End of the World
On Sunday, I joined my friends Leslie Vermeer and Nicole Brenda for the annual MS Walk. I raised $120; not as good as last year, but hopefully enough to help. This year’s t-shirt is fire-engine red with a big yellow diamond in the middle, populated by shadow people. Nifty.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Monday, May 12, 2003
A Venomous Comeback
Yesterday was Stephen Fitzpatrick’s birthday, and the night before, a few of his faithful friends gathered at Steve’s to celebrate.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
I'm a big fan of horror movies, including an important sub-genre: the cheap 80s slasher film, in which teenagers are punished for having sex, doing drugs or simply spitting on the sidewalk. Here's the beginning of a screenplay that I hope satirizes these tropes with sufficient whimsy.
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
At the Movies Again
Go see X2. Do it now, because it rocks. I love intelligent science fiction. I love stories with integrity. And I love perfect casting. Even non-geeks will love this film.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
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