Having a girlfriend sure keeps you busy! But not busy enough to dissuade me from accepting yet another writing assignment: the “Small Scout Ships” book for the Traveler roleplaying game. That should get me some more geek points! My friend Colin Dunn has been writing a number of supplements for Traveler and Jovian Chronicles, and he was kind enough to foist this on off on – I mean, to give me the opportunity to put my own spin on this particular SF universe. Cool! I’m writing fiction – for MONEY!
Not much money, and it is a game supplement, not a novel, but still…
A strange idea popped into my head a few weeks back: what if I were to take some old science fiction novels and movies with “Earth” in the title and replace “Earth” with “Earl?” What kind of stories would result?
Well, I discovered that if I actually wrote the stories, I could actually construct a far-reaching narrative – dare I say, an epic? Check out this list of novels in the life of a mythical Earl, arranged in chronological order:
The “Day” novels (AKA the Earl-y Years):
When the Earl Was Young
The Day the Earl Stood Still
The Day the Earl Caught Fire
The Day the Earl Got Stoned
The Day It Came to Earl
The Day the Earl Moved
The Long Afternoon of Earl
When the Earl Tilted
The “Anatomy of Earl” series, comprising the novels:
Bones of the Earl
The Brains of Earl
The Monster from Earl’s End
Earl Made of Glass
Earl’s Oddities
Worms of the Earl
Terraforming Earl
The “Earl Enslaved” series, comprising the novels:
Earl Enslaved
The Stubbornest Broad on Earl
Subjugating the Earl
Dibs on Earl
Earl Can Be Fun
The Last Man on Earl
…And the Earl Did Not Swallow Him
The Man Who Fell to Earl
The Greatest Show on Earl
Earl Girls Are Easy
Twixt Heaven and Earl
Inside Earl:
The Hollow Earl
Cave Pirates of the Hollow Earl
At the Earl’s Core
Tarzan at the Earl’s Core
Maureen Birnbaum at the Earl’s Core
The Swashbuckling Years:
Earl, the Marauder
Earl vs. the Spider
Report on the Recent Outbreak of Entertainment from Earl
The Menace from Earl
Emperor Earl:
Imperial Earl
The Empress of Earl
Representative of Earl
Foundation & Earl
The Dalek Invasion of Earl
Galactica Discovers Earl
The Little Green Men Send an Ambassador to Earl
Prisoners of Earl
The Shrines of Earl
Exiled from Earl
Earl’s Offspring:
The Naked Earl
Before Earl Came
Earl Comes
Earlseed
Earlborn
Farewell, Earl’s Bliss
A Child of Earl and Hell
A Child of Earl and Starry Heaven
Daughters of Earl
Inherit the Earl
The Girls from Earl
“The Madness of Emperor Earl,”
An Earl Gone Mad
Cursed Earl Asylum
A Paradigm of Earl
This Island Earl
The Rise and Fall of Earl
Earl on Trial:
The Defendant Earl
The Case for Earl
I Speak for Earl
The Clone Wars:
Earl 2
The Fourteenth Earl
Earl Eighteen
Earl’s Other Shadow
Earl Under Attack:
Target…Earl?
Tom Swift and His Atomic Earl Blaster
Earl vs. the Flying Saucers
Invasion: Earl
The Day Mars Invaded Earl
Battlefield Earl
Suicide Ship to Earl
Earl Factor X
The Man Who Stopped the Earl
The Earl in Peril
Earl Needs a Killer
Retreat from Earl
The Ship That Saved the Earl
Invaders from Earl
The Twilight Years:
Pilgrimage to Earl
But What of Earl?
Ecce and Old Earl
Dawn for a Distant Earl
The Songs of Distant Earl
The Legend That Was Earl
Earl Abides
The Death and Resurrection of Earl:
Assignment: Earl
The Last Days of (Parallel?) Earl
The Earl Killers
The Destruction and Exculpation of Earl
The Man Who Killed the Earl
Earl on Fire
The Dying Earl
The Earl Dies Screaming
How Death Came to Earl
Exit Earl
The Late Great Planet Earl
When the Earl Grew Cold
Cold the Stars Are, Cold the Earl
Requiem for Earl
Soliloquy at the Tomb of Earl
Lest We Forget Thee, Earl
When the Earl Lived
The Spirit of Earl
The Man Who Saved the Earl
The Earl Doth Like a Snake Renew
The Earl is on the Mend
The Search for Earl
Earl Does Not Reply
The Quiet Earl
The Earl is Missing
Echoes of Earl
Earlsong
20 Million Miles to Earl
Five Million Years to Earl
Northwest of Earl
One Step from Earl
The Far Ends of Time and Earl
Earl’s Return
Earlbound
The Bridge to Earl
The Earl Gods are Coming
Earlblood
Earl in Transit
Earl Triumphant
Of course, there would be television spin-offs, including From the Earl to the Moon, Gene Roddenberry’s Planet Earl, and Gene Roddenberry’s Earl: Final Conflict.
Collectively, this massive work shall be known as The Earliad.
Oh, come on. You know you’d buy at least a couple of books in the series…
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Bulbs Selling Like Hotcakes
Lois Hole's Favorite Bulbs has sold out in a couple of places (I checked), and Lois is getting fantastic audience response to her speeches. Plus, I think Vegetable Favorites Mark II is going to be quite good.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
In other news, I took Sylvia to the Hole's BBQ on Saturday. It was quite nice, aside from the mosquitoes, but Karen from cutflowers loaned us some Kids Off (great stuff - no nasty smell), and that took care of the worst of the bugs. Had a brief but very enjoyable talk with Leslie, got to know a couple of Hole's people a little better, and then went out to Steve Fitzpatrick's place to see the visiting Rob Day. Sylvia fits in with the geek crowd quite nicely, despite having a very low geek quotient herself.
Speaking of which, I took the online Geek Test and scored over 66% - which apparently puts me at #3 on the all-time list. I really hadn't expected such a...er...stellar/shameful result. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my status as Geek God.
Friday, June 06, 2003
Some Days You Get the Bear...
...some days, the bear gets you. Sometimes the bear is an endangered species and you should call a forest ranger! Sometimes the bear is actually a robot guarding the Beam.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
More Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
Perhaps you noticed a cryptic blog entry a few weeks back: the opening teaser of a horror film screenplay. I've decided to move forward with the story, and here's what I've got thus far...
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
FADE IN on
5. EXT. Main Street at dawn, just outside Pop’s Soda Pop Shoppe. It’s dawn, and POP PRUITT, a balding, greying senior, rail-thin, is sweeping the sidewalk before his store, whistling. Gentle music informs us that this is an idyllic small-town scene, in sharp contrast to the horror we’ve just witnessed. A young woman on a shiny red bicycle, a perky teenaged brunette, rides into view. This is PENNY PRUITT, POP’s daughter. She comes to a stop in front of her father.
PENNY: Hi, Daddy!
POP: Good morning, my dear. Where are you off to today?
PENNY: Chip and I are meeting some friends at the old amusement park. We’re going to set up some tents and camp out!
POP: I hope you’re not thinking of going near any of those old rides. They should have sealed off that place – it’s dangerous!
PENNY: We’re not going to fool around with the rides…we just want to camp out close to the beach. We won’t be anywhere near anything dangerous.
POP: Well, I don’t know…if your mother were alive…
PENNY: Daddy, what could possibly happen? Don’t worry – I’ll see you in a couple of days!
PENNY rides off, leaving her father shaking his head. As PENNY rides into the distance, he returns to sweeping.
CUT to
6. EXT. Further down Main Street, PENNY rides along. TRACK with PENNY as CHIP COWAN, her best friend, pulls alongside on his shiny blue bicycle. CHIP is around PENNY’s age, with close-cropped brown hair and fresh, exuberant features. He’s the All-Canadian boy.
CHIP: Hi, Penny! Is everything set?
PENNY: The guys already have the campsite set up! All we need to bring is…us!
DISSOLVE to
7. EXT. The beach. Gathered here beside a huge 50s-esque Cadillac are PENNY and CHIP’s friends, CHEST BONEWELL, JULIE NYMFO, CHASTITY DYKE, PITMAN SPEER, LANCE BOYLE, APRIL RAYNE, FENTON NG, PREETA HUJANDULEEP, JACKSON BOWMAN, SHIVA MCANDREWS, SIOBHAN KADESHI, DILTON PUNK, ROBIN-SHIELA JAMSPLATTER, and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS. All are dressed in bathing suits or shorts and t-shirts.
In the distance, we see the hulking ruins of the old amusement park, not overtly sinister, but still somehow unsettling.
In a series of quick scenes, we introduce the major players.
ROBIN-SHIELA, an attractive young African-Canadian, is conferring with CHEST, a bespectacled Caucasian beanpole. The others amuse themselves by playing Frisbee, tossing baseballs, etc.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Chest, weren’t Rick and Elaine supposed to be the first ones here? They had all the sleeping bags and tents!
CHEST: They were working on a case for the Junior Detective Squad. Something about the Spectre of the Sideshow.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Not the Junior Detective Squad again!
CHEST: Yes, apparently there were strange, ghostly sounds emanating from the abandoned sideshow. Rick and Elaine speculated that one of the sideshow candy vendors, who was crushed by a falling roller coaster car the day before the fair closed forever, returned to haunt the park.
ROBIN-SHIELA: Bah! I don’t believe it. Why don’t our friends join the cool clubs, like cheerleading or baseball.
CHEST: Well, I’m on the debate team.
ROBIN-SHIELA: The debate team is not “cool.”
CHEST (hopeful): I’m going to be editor of the yearbook club next year.
ROBIN-SHIELA merely stares.
CUT to
8. The beach. CHASTITY DYKE and SHIVA MCANDREWS are playing Frisbee.
CHASTITY: Shiva, I’m so horny, even you’re starting to look good. You’re cute, but I’m not into girls.
SHIVA: Chastity, don’t you think about anything besides sex? Don’t worry – sunset’s only an hour away, and I’m sure one of the guys will be more than willing to service your needs.
CUT to
9. The beach. PITMAN SPEER and FENTON NG are laying out towels. PITMAN is a muscular black male; FENTON, a thin, reedy Asian-Canadian.
PITMAN: So, you going to make your move on Shiva tonight?
FENTON: Nah. She’s way out of my league. Besides, she’s had a crush on Lance since she was eleven.
PITMAN: Lance is a dillweed. Besides, he’s had his eye on Siobhan all year.
FENTON: Yeah, but Siobhan obviously has a huge Sapphic crush on Preeta.
PITMAN: Which is ironic, because Preeta is totally into Chastity, who doesn’t have a lesbian bone in her body despite having a last name like “Dyke.”
FENTON: Can you put a lesbian bone into a body?
PITMAN: Anyway, don’t let Lance stand in your way. Brains will win out over brawn every time.
FENTON: Except when it comes to getting laid.
PITMAN (considering): Hmm.
CUT to
10. Bikini-clad damsels PREETA HUJANDULEEP and JULIE NYMFO are stretching out on their towels to do some tanning. PREETA is watching CHASTITY play Frisbee; JULIE watches PREETA watching.
JULIE: When are you going to figure out that Dyke…isn’t?
PREETA (sighing): I can dream, can’t I? The only girl in school who isn’t bisexual, and I fall for her.
JULIE: We all want what we can’t have.
PREETA (singing): I can’t get no…na na na…Sapphic action…na na na…
JULIE (exasperated): Here, let me rub some suntan oil on those huge boobs of yours, paying special attention to your turgid nipples.
As she moves into position to do so, we CUT to
11. EXT. the beach. LANCE BOYLE and JACKSON BOWMAN, sitting on the rear bumper of the Cadillac. The trunk is open; we can see coolers behind them, presumably containing food and beverages. LANCE is a long-haired, athletic Caucasian, with the beginnings of a goatee. His friend JACKSON is African-Canadian, also athletic, but with a swimmer’s build.
LANCE (watching SIOBHAN, who is standing a bit farther down the beach with APRIL): Dude, I think Siobhan is finally warming up to me. I really cleaned up at the track meet.
JACKSON: She’d be more impressed if you cleaned up your act. We all like to let loose once in a while, but Siobhan’s a straight shooter – if she finds out you’ve been doing crack again, your chances will go from zero to…uh, less than zero.
LANCE (wounded): A little cocaine never hurt anyone!
JACKSON looks a little startled by this pronouncement.
CUT to
12. SIOBHAN KADESHI and APRIL RAYNE, standing ankle-deep in the surf, looking out towards the abandoned amusement park.
APRIL: Kinda spooky, isn’t it? Like the skeleton of some huge, ancient dinosaur that died just before it was able to devour its prey.
SIOBHAN: Nice simile, April. I guess Rick and Elaine were out there last night, investigating some spook or other.
APRIL: And they still haven’t arrived. Maybe they started investigating each other.
SIOBHAN (pensive): I’m worried. Rick and Elaine are usually so dependable. They were going to bring the root beer.
APRIL: Well, as founding members of the Junior Detective Squad, maybe you and I should do some investigating of our own. Maybe the Spectre of the Sideshow was too much for Elaine and Rick to handle!
SIOBHAN: No, let’s give them a little more time. If they’re not here by sundown, let’s see if we can convince the others to start a search.
CUT to
13. EXT. the beach. DILTON PUNK and JAMES “JIMBO” JOENS are throwing sticks into a pile, getting ready to start a fire.
DILTON (conspiratorially): Did you bring it?
JIMBO: Yeah, man, quit worrying.
DILTON: This is gonna be so bitchin’. I can hardly wait to see…
DILTON breaks off as ROBIN-SHIELA and CHEST approach.
CHEST: Look, I brought matches.
****
That's all I've got thus far. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but I'm having fun.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
The Play's the Thing
I've introduced Sylvia to one of the very best shows on television: Homicide: Life on the Street, via the Seasons 1&2 DVD box set. She loves it, much to my delight - the girl's got class. Remind me to write an analysis of the show's opening credits; I've been meaning to do so for a long time.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
My friend Allan is telling me, via instant messenger, that he's working on a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's doing the sound and lighting. Very cool.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Walk to the End of the World
On Sunday, I joined my friends Leslie Vermeer and Nicole Brenda for the annual MS Walk. I raised $120; not as good as last year, but hopefully enough to help. This year’s t-shirt is fire-engine red with a big yellow diamond in the middle, populated by shadow people. Nifty.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Midway through the walk, Leslie went running through some unsuspecting homeowner’s lawn sprinkler to cool off. She attempted to do so a second time at a different address, but she was foiled by beer-swilling sentries.
If her courage hadn’t failed her, I wonder what could have happened…
EXT. A city street in Edmonton, Alberta. A warm, sunny morning. NICOLE, EARL, and LESLIE, each dressed in an MS shirt, are walking purposefully down the street. LESLIE breaks away and dances through the spray of a lawn sprinkler, much to the shock and horror of two BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES.
LESLIE: Tra la la, whee!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: Tarnation! That gal is plumb jumpin’ all over our fresh green lawn!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: I reckon we gots to teach her a lesson!
LESLIE: Oh oh!
NICOLE: Ulp!
EARL: D’oh!
LESLIE, NICOLE, and EARL run for their lives. The BEER-SWILLING SENTRIES give chase.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: Y’all walked on m’grass! Come back for yer whuppin’!
LESLIE: No way!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1 trips and falls, barking his shins against the curb.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #1: MY SHINS! Oh no, I barked ‘em good! MY SHINS! Jumpin’ banjos, MY SHINS!
EARL: Good Lord! (choke)
NICOLE: That’ll teach you for wearing sandals when you’re giving chase to sprinkler-hopping fugitives!
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2 stops to aid his fallen companion. He shakes his fist at the retreating trio.
BEER-SWILLING SENTRY #2: You haven’t heard the last of this!
EARL: Nice of you to invite us to your little SHIN-dig! Ha ha! Losers!
FADE OUT as the triumphant walkers continue their quest.
…
Well, it could have happened.
Monday, May 12, 2003
A Venomous Comeback
Yesterday was Stephen Fitzpatrick’s birthday, and the night before, a few of his faithful friends gathered at Steve’s to celebrate.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
I was, as usual, the first to arrive. Stephen and his wife Audrey have two daughters; the eldest, Fenya, is four. It was she who greeted me at the door when I arrived.
“This is a cobra,” she said, wielding a purple plastic snake. “It’s really mean, and poisonous.”
I played along as Fenya showed me the signature hood and the deadly fangs.
“Well,” I said, somewhat condescendingly, “You’d better be careful – you don’t want to get bitten.”
She gave me a look full of exasperation and rolled her eyes. “It’s only a toy,” she said.
Now I know why W.C. Fields didn’t work with kids. They always get the best lines.
***
It was a pretty busy weekend all around. Friday night Sylvia and I went to Ikea; she bought me a picture frame and a lamp. The picture frame is for the bathroom; she wants me to hang something that will go with my film noir shower curtain. I thought maybe I’d create a single enigmatic question mark to place within the frame, to hang above my toilet. Or perhaps the word “OBEY.”
Sunday was Mother’s Day, of course, and Staff Photo Day at Hole’s. Routine is comforting; Mom and Dad came out for brunch, I gave Mom one of Hole’s signature hanging baskets, and then I came home to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we coexisted with cartoons? Maybe then, we’d realize how absurd the whole affair is.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Curse of the Bloody Skeleton
I'm a big fan of horror movies, including an important sub-genre: the cheap 80s slasher film, in which teenagers are punished for having sex, doing drugs or simply spitting on the sidewalk. Here's the beginning of a screenplay that I hope satirizes these tropes with sufficient whimsy.
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
At the Movies Again
Go see X2. Do it now, because it rocks. I love intelligent science fiction. I love stories with integrity. And I love perfect casting. Even non-geeks will love this film.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
What a find at the video store - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Mad Mission films - all in one spectacular DVD box set!!!!! :-O I didn't even know there were four Mad MIssion movies!
Mad Mission! Mad Mission! MAD MISSION!!!!!!!! It's mad, I tell you! MAD!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation points in the universe to express my glee.
In other news, Sylvia and I cooked a steak tonight. This whole cooking deal isn't as hard as people make it out to be. Take that!
Work on the Chaos/Order database continues. I'm working on Minion #63, Smoking Gardener. This is turning into quite a job.
Monday, April 28, 2003
At the Movies - Featuring Bitter Litter
Oops...or maybe it IS working. In safe mode. Hmmph.
At the Movies
Time to take a break from speechwriting. Now the question: call girlfriend (I'm calling her my girlfiend, ha ha) or update the blahg? Why choose when I can do both?
Sylvia and I went to see Identity on Saturday. I went mostly because the previews made the film look like one of those high-concept flicks I love, and because two of my favourite actors, John Cusak and Ray Liotta, star. I also went because this was the film in which Spring Gardening 2002 had a chance to appear. (We received a letter from Columbia Pictures a few months back, asking for permission to use the magazine in a scene from the film.) Sadly, they went with Better Homes & Gardens. Dang.
My verdict? I enjoyed the film, but I was hoping for a twist with a scope that was just a little grander than the one that was eventually revealed. It's still a good film, don't get me wrong, but there were far cooler possibilities...
Afterwards, I dropped Sylvia off at her apartment and went over to Dustin's for a proud tradition: the Stoopid Movie Night. We watched Mike's bungy-jump video - he went to New Zealand and leapt from heights that made me a little queasy, frankly. I'll never be that brave/reckless/daring. Looked like fun, in a way, but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to leap off a precipice and face a 2000 foot plunge into the abyss. Remember, Mike - when you plunge into the abyss, the abyss also plunges into you. Or something.
After Mike's display of derring-do, we watched the Yul Brynner classic, Westworld, and the three Wallace & Gromit shorts.
And now, presenting for the first time anywhere, the fabulous screenplay you've all been waiting for...
BITTER LITTER
Screenplay Earl J. Woods
Director Earl J. Woods
CAST
Vengeful Man Ron Briscoe
The Robot Steven Neumann
The Mad Scientist Susan Neumann
Basil Jeff Shyluk
Victim/Voice of the Artificial Intelligence Earl J. Woods
SETS
The Institute
An apartment
LOCATIONS
A city street
1. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a striped shirt bearing an AIPD (Artificial Intelligence Programming Division) badge.
Credits and theme OVER as we DISSOLVE to
2. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a computer monitor, bearing a crudely-drawn happy face.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world’s very first and only artificial life form, doctor! Are mutants proved so successful?
DISSOLVE to
3. INT. the INSTITUTE. Credits continue as we see female hands preparing a syringe.
DISSOLVE to
4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The MAD SCIENTIST administers the syringe to the ROBOT, who is seated in a high-tech chair.
MAD SCIENTIST: You are just about alive. As soon as you drink the secret formula, Methazolamide, you will be able to arise!
She hands the ROBOT the drink.
The ROBOT drinks.
MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, my creation, you may now arise!
The ROBOT stands.
MAD SCIENTIST: It is amazing! He is alive! I have done it!
CUT to
5. INT. INSTITUTE
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
ROBOT: I am alive.
CUT to
6. INT. INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: Enter!
BASIL enters.
BASIL: Yeah, what do you want, Doctor? Oh, you got the android working? Oh, he’s so lifelike, but does it really work?
The ROBOT reaches out to grasp BASIL’s wrist.
ROBOT: Is this not obvious?
BASIL: Wow! Oh, Doc, that’s amazing. But let me check out his brain readings with the machine.
BASIL waves his brain meter over the ROBOT.
BASIL: I’m getting some funny readings, Doc. Are you sure he’s okay?
MAD SCIENTIST: I have tested him out completely. He is fine. In fact, I am sending him out for his first test run into society in just a few minutes.
BASIL: Are you sure that’s safe, Doc? I dunno – something’s kinda funny here with his head!
Cut to
7. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the Robot. As BASIL waves the brain meter before the ROBOT’s face, the ROBOT grabs BASIL’s wrist again, seemingly offended.
CUT to
8. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the MAD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: Don’t be bitter, Basil. He is going out for his test run into society today.
CUT to
9. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST (V.O.): Remember, Basil, don’t be bitter. Because bitterness leads to death and destruction, and we cannot have death and destruction in society. Just remember – don’t be bitter.
FADE to
10. EXT. CITY STREET
A man is enthusiastically blowing his nose. He discards the tissue, dropping it at his feet. The ROBOT enters the frame.
ROBOT: You should not be bitter.
VICTIM: Bitter? I’m not bitter, all I did was litter.
ROBOT (malfunctioning): Bitter. Litter.
The ROBOT twitches, then menaces the VICTIM.
VICTIM: You’re not human…don’t hurt me! No! Aiiieeee!
The ROBOT chokes the life from the hapless victim.
The VENGEFUL MAN steps into frame.
VENGEFUL MAN: My – my god – you killed that man!
ROBOT: Must return to the Institute.
VENGEFUL MAN: The Institute..!
DISSOLVE to
11. INT. the VENGEFUL MAN’s apartment. The VENGEFUL MAN takes a gun out of his closet and cocks it.
VENGEFUL MAN: This’ll stop that metal monster!
CUT to
12. INT. the INSTITUTE
The MAD SCIENTIST and BASIL examine the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST: He has returned.
BASIL: I dunno, Doc. Something funny about him! Funny reading on the brain machine – I think some of his programming is – I dunno!
The MAD SCIENTIST grabs at the brain scanner, examining the readings herself.
MAD SCIENTIST: Let me see this.
BASIL: Doc!
ROBOT: I went out. I found litter. I told him not to be bitter. He will no longer be bitter anymore.
BASIL: What’s he talking about?
MAD SCIENTIST: These are completely normal readings.
Cut to
13. INT. the INSTITUTE
The VENGEFUL MAN bursts onto the scene, gun in hand.
VENGEFUL MAN: There you are. You killed my brother!
Cut to
14. INT. The INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: That does it... he is fully recharged –
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST react to the VENGEFUL MAN.
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST: Who are you?
Cut to
15. INT. The INSTITUTE
VENGEFUL MAN: You created that abomination, now you die!
The VENGEFUL MAN shoots the MAD SCIENTIST, killing her in a flash of light. Then, he turns to BASIL.
VENGEFUL MAN (chuckling): Now it’s your turn.
BASIL: No, you can’t shoot me!
VENGEFUL MAN: Why not?
BASIL: I don’t wanna be shot, I’m too young to die!
VENGEFUL MAN: You were an accomplice. Now, it’s your turn.
BASIL: Noooooo!
The VENGEFUL MAN takes aim, but his gun jams!
VENGEFUL MAN: Oh, hell!
BASIL sees his chance and takes hold of the cord that connects the central processor of the brain-o-meter to the sensor wand.
BASIL: My mother told me never to be a quitter!
BASIL steps behind the VENGEFUL MAN and uses the cord as an impromptu garrote.
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrrgh!
They struggle.
BASIL: I’ll strangle you, you fiend! Strangle you!
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrgh! Stop!
The VENGEFUL MAN dies. BASIL, his mind snapping, laughs maniacally.
CUT to
16. INT. The INSTITUTE. The ROBOT, impassive while all this has been going on, finally reacts.
ROBOT: Bitter…quitter. Bitter…bitter…
The ROBOT takes a hammer in hand and swings it into BASIL’s skull, killing him.
ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.
Cut to
17. INT. The INSTITUTE.
The DIRECTOR appears, holding the same hammer that the ROBOT used to kill BASIL. He looks paranoid, and makes his way across the room to hide in a closet as he delivers the film’s coda:
DIRECTOR: This has been another Paranoid Production.
FADE TO BLACK.
At the Movies
Time to take a break from speechwriting. Now the question: call girlfriend (I'm calling her my girlfiend, ha ha) or update the blahg? Why choose when I can do both?
Sylvia and I went to see Identity on Saturday. I went mostly because the previews made the film look like one of those high-concept flicks I love, and because two of my favourite actors, John Cusak and Ray Liotta, star. I also went because this was the film in which Spring Gardening 2002 had a chance to appear. (We received a letter from Columbia Pictures a few months back, asking for permission to use the magazine in a scene from the film.) Sadly, they went with Better Homes & Gardens. Dang.
My verdict? I enjoyed the film, but I was hoping for a twist with a scope that was just a little grander than the one that was eventually revealed. It's still a good film, don't get me wrong, but there were far cooler possibilities...
Afterwards, I dropped Sylvia off at her apartment and went over to Dustin's for a proud tradition: the Stoopid Movie Night. We watched Mike's bungy-jump video - he went to New Zealand and leapt from heights that made me a little queasy, frankly. I'll never be that brave/reckless/daring. Looked like fun, in a way, but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to leap off a precipice and face a 2000 foot plunge into the abyss. Remember, Mike - when you plunge into the abyss, the abyss also plunges into you. Or something.
After Mike's display of derring-do, we watched the Yul Brynner classic, Westworld, and the three Wallace & Gromit shorts.
And now, presenting for the first time anywhere, the fabulous screenplay you've all been waiting for...
BITTER LITTER
Screenplay Earl J. Woods
Director Earl J. Woods
CAST
Vengeful Man Ron Briscoe
The Robot Steven Neumann
The Mad Scientist Susan Neumann
Basil Jeff Shyluk
Victim/Voice of the Artificial Intelligence Earl J. Woods
SETS
The Institute
An apartment
LOCATIONS
A city street
1. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a striped shirt bearing an AIPD (Artificial Intelligence Programming Division) badge.
Credits and theme OVER as we DISSOLVE to
2. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a computer monitor, bearing a crudely-drawn happy face.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world’s very first and only artificial life form, doctor! Are mutants proved so successful?
DISSOLVE to
3. INT. the INSTITUTE. Credits continue as we see female hands preparing a syringe.
DISSOLVE to
4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The MAD SCIENTIST administers the syringe to the ROBOT, who is seated in a high-tech chair.
MAD SCIENTIST: You are just about alive. As soon as you drink the secret formula, Methazolamide, you will be able to arise!
She hands the ROBOT the drink.
The ROBOT drinks.
MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, my creation, you may now arise!
The ROBOT stands.
MAD SCIENTIST: It is amazing! He is alive! I have done it!
CUT to
5. INT. INSTITUTE
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
ROBOT: I am alive.
CUT to
6. INT. INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: Enter!
BASIL enters.
BASIL: Yeah, what do you want, Doctor? Oh, you got the android working? Oh, he’s so lifelike, but does it really work?
The ROBOT reaches out to grasp BASIL’s wrist.
ROBOT: Is this not obvious?
BASIL: Wow! Oh, Doc, that’s amazing. But let me check out his brain readings with the machine.
BASIL waves his brain meter over the ROBOT.
BASIL: I’m getting some funny readings, Doc. Are you sure he’s okay?
MAD SCIENTIST: I have tested him out completely. He is fine. In fact, I am sending him out for his first test run into society in just a few minutes.
BASIL: Are you sure that’s safe, Doc? I dunno – something’s kinda funny here with his head!
Cut to
7. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the Robot. As BASIL waves the brain meter before the ROBOT’s face, the ROBOT grabs BASIL’s wrist again, seemingly offended.
CUT to
8. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the MAD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: Don’t be bitter, Basil. He is going out for his test run into society today.
CUT to
9. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST (V.O.): Remember, Basil, don’t be bitter. Because bitterness leads to death and destruction, and we cannot have death and destruction in society. Just remember – don’t be bitter.
FADE to
10. EXT. CITY STREET
A man is enthusiastically blowing his nose. He discards the tissue, dropping it at his feet. The ROBOT enters the frame.
ROBOT: You should not be bitter.
VICTIM: Bitter? I’m not bitter, all I did was litter.
ROBOT (malfunctioning): Bitter. Litter.
The ROBOT twitches, then menaces the VICTIM.
VICTIM: You’re not human…don’t hurt me! No! Aiiieeee!
The ROBOT chokes the life from the hapless victim.
The VENGEFUL MAN steps into frame.
VENGEFUL MAN: My – my god – you killed that man!
ROBOT: Must return to the Institute.
VENGEFUL MAN: The Institute..!
DISSOLVE to
11. INT. the VENGEFUL MAN’s apartment. The VENGEFUL MAN takes a gun out of his closet and cocks it.
VENGEFUL MAN: This’ll stop that metal monster!
CUT to
12. INT. the INSTITUTE
The MAD SCIENTIST and BASIL examine the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST: He has returned.
BASIL: I dunno, Doc. Something funny about him! Funny reading on the brain machine – I think some of his programming is – I dunno!
The MAD SCIENTIST grabs at the brain scanner, examining the readings herself.
MAD SCIENTIST: Let me see this.
BASIL: Doc!
ROBOT: I went out. I found litter. I told him not to be bitter. He will no longer be bitter anymore.
BASIL: What’s he talking about?
MAD SCIENTIST: These are completely normal readings.
Cut to
13. INT. the INSTITUTE
The VENGEFUL MAN bursts onto the scene, gun in hand.
VENGEFUL MAN: There you are. You killed my brother!
Cut to
14. INT. The INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: That does it... he is fully recharged –
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST react to the VENGEFUL MAN.
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST: Who are you?
Cut to
15. INT. The INSTITUTE
VENGEFUL MAN: You created that abomination, now you die!
The VENGEFUL MAN shoots the MAD SCIENTIST, killing her in a flash of light. Then, he turns to BASIL.
VENGEFUL MAN (chuckling): Now it’s your turn.
BASIL: No, you can’t shoot me!
VENGEFUL MAN: Why not?
BASIL: I don’t wanna be shot, I’m too young to die!
VENGEFUL MAN: You were an accomplice. Now, it’s your turn.
BASIL: Noooooo!
The VENGEFUL MAN takes aim, but his gun jams!
VENGEFUL MAN: Oh, hell!
BASIL sees his chance and takes hold of the cord that connects the central processor of the brain-o-meter to the sensor wand.
BASIL: My mother told me never to be a quitter!
BASIL steps behind the VENGEFUL MAN and uses the cord as an impromptu garrote.
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrrgh!
They struggle.
BASIL: I’ll strangle you, you fiend! Strangle you!
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrgh! Stop!
The VENGEFUL MAN dies. BASIL, his mind snapping, laughs maniacally.
CUT to
16. INT. The INSTITUTE. The ROBOT, impassive while all this has been going on, finally reacts.
ROBOT: Bitter…quitter. Bitter…bitter…
The ROBOT takes a hammer in hand and swings it into BASIL’s skull, killing him.
ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.
Cut to
17. INT. The INSTITUTE.
The DIRECTOR appears, holding the same hammer that the ROBOT used to kill BASIL. He looks paranoid, and makes his way across the room to hide in a closet as he delivers the film’s coda:
DIRECTOR: This has been another Paranoid Production.
FADE TO BLACK.
Friday, April 25, 2003
Spider-Mite
Looks like that last blog did indeed get posted, but my attempt to plug Bruce and Leslie's blog failed miserably. That's what I get for attempting to use HTML, grumble grumble. Here's the address: http://moreblaze.blogspot.com/
Sorry, you'll have to cut and paste that into your browser. :-P
I know everyone's eagerly awaiting the Bitter Litter screenplay, but I don't have it here at work. Hmmm...perhaps a poem will do:
Spider-Mite
Spider mite, spider mite
The unfortunate spider mite
Eats my plants, makes them die
Sends their souls to the sky
Watch out! Here comes the spider mite
Do they breed? Listen bub
They’ve got randiness in their blood
Do they swing from a thread?
Take a look, your plant’s dead
Hey there! Here comes the spider mite
In the heat of day
They will breed millions more
You can’t keep them out
Even if you shut the door
Spider mite, spider mite
Unfriendly ravenous spider mite
Spins a web, looks real gross
On the plants in my house
To him, the garden is one big banquet
Where ever plants are hung up
You’ll find the spider mite!
...well, it was a big hit at work...
Sorry, you'll have to cut and paste that into your browser. :-P
I know everyone's eagerly awaiting the Bitter Litter screenplay, but I don't have it here at work. Hmmm...perhaps a poem will do:
Spider-Mite
Spider mite, spider mite
The unfortunate spider mite
Eats my plants, makes them die
Sends their souls to the sky
Watch out! Here comes the spider mite
Do they breed? Listen bub
They’ve got randiness in their blood
Do they swing from a thread?
Take a look, your plant’s dead
Hey there! Here comes the spider mite
In the heat of day
They will breed millions more
You can’t keep them out
Even if you shut the door
Spider mite, spider mite
Unfriendly ravenous spider mite
Spins a web, looks real gross
On the plants in my house
To him, the garden is one big banquet
Where ever plants are hung up
You’ll find the spider mite!
...well, it was a big hit at work...
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Various and Sundry
Note: For two nights in a row, I’ve tried to post this blog from home, only to be thwarted by server errors. Let’s see if a post from my Mac at work is accepted…
Blog-readers, forgive me, for I have sinned; it's been fifteen days since my last entry...
First, a plug: anyone reading this blog (all six of you) should check out another blog, at
. There you'll find the blog of my friends Bruce and Leslie and their son Zak (who has yet to post an entry, I note). Bruce and Leslie also happen to be colleagues; Bruce is the publishing department manager at Hole's (and my nominal boss, although he doesn't like to invoke the hierarchy too often), and Leslie is an ex-boss and often my editor. Both of them are very entertaining, so check out their blog for some cool stream-of-consciousness stuff.
As soon as my friend Allan starts his blog, I'll post a plug here, too. Don't back out, Allan! If I can share my deep, dark secrets with the world, you can, too.
On to other business. I've almost finished watching Gerry Anderson's UFO (see previous blogs, faithful readers!), and the series has taken an interesting turn midway through. Remember how I mentioned that the aliens looked completely human, save a couple of cosmetic changes? Well, as it turns out, something even more sinister is going on...the intrepid men and women of SHADO discover evidence that the humanoid aliens aren't the true forms of the UFOites (oogh) at all. They speculate that the beings they're fighting are a new kind of "machine life..." Kind of a cool precursor to nanotech, although I'm sure that's not what the writers had in mind. I'll have to see what the final four episodes bring.
Coming soon: the screenplay of the Paranoid classic, Bitter Litter!
Blog-readers, forgive me, for I have sinned; it's been fifteen days since my last entry...
First, a plug: anyone reading this blog (all six of you) should check out another blog, at
. There you'll find the blog of my friends Bruce and Leslie and their son Zak (who has yet to post an entry, I note). Bruce and Leslie also happen to be colleagues; Bruce is the publishing department manager at Hole's (and my nominal boss, although he doesn't like to invoke the hierarchy too often), and Leslie is an ex-boss and often my editor. Both of them are very entertaining, so check out their blog for some cool stream-of-consciousness stuff.
As soon as my friend Allan starts his blog, I'll post a plug here, too. Don't back out, Allan! If I can share my deep, dark secrets with the world, you can, too.
On to other business. I've almost finished watching Gerry Anderson's UFO (see previous blogs, faithful readers!), and the series has taken an interesting turn midway through. Remember how I mentioned that the aliens looked completely human, save a couple of cosmetic changes? Well, as it turns out, something even more sinister is going on...the intrepid men and women of SHADO discover evidence that the humanoid aliens aren't the true forms of the UFOites (oogh) at all. They speculate that the beings they're fighting are a new kind of "machine life..." Kind of a cool precursor to nanotech, although I'm sure that's not what the writers had in mind. I'll have to see what the final four episodes bring.
Coming soon: the screenplay of the Paranoid classic, Bitter Litter!
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Alarming
Sylvia's alarm clock scared the wits out of me. It went off like a bomb and I must have leaped four feet in the air. Yikes.
Things Are Going Well
I'm so glad Colin and Julie introduced me to Sylvia. She's very special, and our relationship is developing fast.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Ted Hole, 1926-2003
Mr. Hole died last Wednesday, and today I was one of the thousands who went to the Winspear Centre to pay their respects. It was a beautiful memorial, held in a beautiful building, with beautiful music.
I really only knew Mr. Hole as Lois' husband, but despite our casual acquaintance I did feel a connection with Ted. He made a point of telling me what a great job I was doing, and I admired his quiet dignity and wry sense of humour. He was a philanthropist, a gentleman, a man who appreciated the fine arts, a man who never hesitated to give anyone a helping hand. Family friend Donna Powell, Ted's sons Bill and Jim, his granddaughter Kate, and U of A President Rod Fraser all spoke eloquently of Mr. Hole. It was probably Bill who moved me most, if only because he was so obviously distraught; the Holes generally keep a tight reign on their emotions in public, and it was a little shocking, if understandable, to see Bill cry.
At the reception, I ran into Carol Mellors, who had been playing timpani with the Edmonton Schoolboys Alumni Band at the beginning of the program. Carol used to serve as a director of the Western Board of Music, the outfit I used to work for. As we were chatting, Lois passed by, and she touched my shoulder; I almost didn't see her, and all I had time to say was "Hello, Your Honour" before she and her escort were off. Then, just a few seconds later, Bill passed us, and he reached out and gave my shoulder a firm squeeze, saying, "Thanks, Earl." And then, almost as if they'd timed it, Jim came by and squeezed my shoulder as well, giving me just a nod.
I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person, but for some reason, those three brief moments of human contact really meant a lot to me. If anything I did (and I really did very little for this sad event) made any of this any easier for them, I'm very glad, and very grateful.
I really only knew Mr. Hole as Lois' husband, but despite our casual acquaintance I did feel a connection with Ted. He made a point of telling me what a great job I was doing, and I admired his quiet dignity and wry sense of humour. He was a philanthropist, a gentleman, a man who appreciated the fine arts, a man who never hesitated to give anyone a helping hand. Family friend Donna Powell, Ted's sons Bill and Jim, his granddaughter Kate, and U of A President Rod Fraser all spoke eloquently of Mr. Hole. It was probably Bill who moved me most, if only because he was so obviously distraught; the Holes generally keep a tight reign on their emotions in public, and it was a little shocking, if understandable, to see Bill cry.
At the reception, I ran into Carol Mellors, who had been playing timpani with the Edmonton Schoolboys Alumni Band at the beginning of the program. Carol used to serve as a director of the Western Board of Music, the outfit I used to work for. As we were chatting, Lois passed by, and she touched my shoulder; I almost didn't see her, and all I had time to say was "Hello, Your Honour" before she and her escort were off. Then, just a few seconds later, Bill passed us, and he reached out and gave my shoulder a firm squeeze, saying, "Thanks, Earl." And then, almost as if they'd timed it, Jim came by and squeezed my shoulder as well, giving me just a nod.
I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person, but for some reason, those three brief moments of human contact really meant a lot to me. If anything I did (and I really did very little for this sad event) made any of this any easier for them, I'm very glad, and very grateful.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Memory Alley
I've told myself many times never to look through my old photo albums, but the Hole's morale committee is having one of those "guess who this is" photo contests, so I had to find a suitable picture of myself. I found one, but the search brings back those old familiar feelings of deep melancholy - along with something new.
Those photos show what a privilege it is to live life as a young Canadian. All we had to worry about was homework and fitting in, and some of us didn't particularly care about even that. To think that all of us harboured such angst, when we were living in paradise.
Those photos show what a privilege it is to live life as a young Canadian. All we had to worry about was homework and fitting in, and some of us didn't particularly care about even that. To think that all of us harboured such angst, when we were living in paradise.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Drooling Nostrils
Well, I have a cold. A bad one. It started Friday night, and it's gotten progressively worse. Pity me, for rivers of yellow bile are streaming from my recalcitrant nasal orifices.
I'm actually having company on Friday night, so I've been madly cleaning my apartment, wheezing and hacking all the while. Mom and Dad came over on Sunday to pick up two and half years worth of pop cans - turns out they were worth almost 57 dollars. So I bought my parents lunch and now the kitchen floor is clear of cans, which means that I can mop it. Not that I've been feeling well enough to do that...
There's some kind of grody stain on the bathroom floor. I don't know what it is, and it won't go away, no matter how much bleach I use. I think I need to pick up a sandblaster. Or maybe I'll simply cut up that piece of tile and put something on top of it - a statue or maybe a bathmat.
If I had people over more often than once a year, maybe I wouldn't have these problems.
I'm actually having company on Friday night, so I've been madly cleaning my apartment, wheezing and hacking all the while. Mom and Dad came over on Sunday to pick up two and half years worth of pop cans - turns out they were worth almost 57 dollars. So I bought my parents lunch and now the kitchen floor is clear of cans, which means that I can mop it. Not that I've been feeling well enough to do that...
There's some kind of grody stain on the bathroom floor. I don't know what it is, and it won't go away, no matter how much bleach I use. I think I need to pick up a sandblaster. Or maybe I'll simply cut up that piece of tile and put something on top of it - a statue or maybe a bathmat.
If I had people over more often than once a year, maybe I wouldn't have these problems.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
More Cryptic Messages
I found another sheet of paper. None of the handwriting is mine:
"Target: March 27 & 28 Wed & Thurs
To the world
you may be only one
person
But to one person
you may be the
world."
I remember finding that among my notes during the time I was directing The Importance of Being Earnest at Lister Hall. Sometimes I like to imagine that it was written for me, but it's more likely that it just got mixed into my stuff during the chaos of the production. I liked it enough to keep it, though.
Strangely enough, just last night I was talking to a friend about memories, and how so many of them fade, even the ones that may have seemed so very important while they were happening. It makes me very sad when I think about all the collective experiences completely lost to humanity because of our imperfect brains. How much more civilized could we be if we remembered every lesson? (On the other hand, how savage could we be if we remembered every slight?)
If I could design an afterlife, all those memories, good and bad alike, would come flooding back when we arrived in heaven. And we'd use our collective experience to unlock the secrets of the universe.
And maybe I'd meet the person who wrote the note.
"Target: March 27 & 28 Wed & Thurs
To the world
you may be only one
person
But to one person
you may be the
world."
I remember finding that among my notes during the time I was directing The Importance of Being Earnest at Lister Hall. Sometimes I like to imagine that it was written for me, but it's more likely that it just got mixed into my stuff during the chaos of the production. I liked it enough to keep it, though.
Strangely enough, just last night I was talking to a friend about memories, and how so many of them fade, even the ones that may have seemed so very important while they were happening. It makes me very sad when I think about all the collective experiences completely lost to humanity because of our imperfect brains. How much more civilized could we be if we remembered every lesson? (On the other hand, how savage could we be if we remembered every slight?)
If I could design an afterlife, all those memories, good and bad alike, would come flooding back when we arrived in heaven. And we'd use our collective experience to unlock the secrets of the universe.
And maybe I'd meet the person who wrote the note.
Embrace Your Inner Geek
Right now I'm working on an Excel spreadsheet, one that describes, once and for all, the names, appearances, origins, and abilities of the canonical Paladins of O.R.D.E.R. and Minions of C.H.A.O.S. In an effort to ensure accuracy, I must of course do some research. So I've been perusing my old binders, and I discovered some old character sheets from my Dungeons & Dragons days. Among these sheets is a cryptic piece of paper that lists "Turtle Treasure." Apparently, one of my characters managed to haul the following items out of some demon-infested dungeon:
"Robe, brown - radiates evocation/alteration magic
Horn of fog production
Girdle of many pouches
A wooden sword: a folding boat
Cube of frost resistance
A net of sharing
Quall's Feather Token of the Fan
Cloak of the Elvenkind
Stone - unidentified grey rock, radiates high magic
Mirror of past scrying"
All this was found in "room #71," or so another scribbled note suggests. (There's also a phone number for "Halls of Adv. + Magic." I don't dare call...)
This many years removed, I can only guess what amazing properties these items may have possessed. The brown robe, radiating evocation/alteration magic, seems as though it may have been useful in such mischief as casting fireballs or turning people into badgers.The horn of fog production doesn't seem very useful, unless you're working as a special effects man on a John Carpenter movie, or if you need some fast cover for a hasty retreat. "A wooden sword: a folding boat" was written exactly that way, colon and all, so it seems that the wooden sword somehow turned into a folding boat...or maybe it's some kind of cryptic Zen koan, who knows?
Cube of frost resistance...not an ice cube, I guess. "Quall's Feather Token of the Fan." Is this one item, or two? Let's see...either Quall (whoever he or she may have been) had a token representing a fan made of a feather, or I simply stolle Quall's Feather, along with a Token of the Fan...a fan? Isn't that sort of anachronistic? I guess it could have been one of those manual fans like geishas have...maybe it was a token of a fanatic...I'm getting a headache.
Cloak of the Elvenkind seems simple enough - a cloak giving me some sort of elven abilities, maybe the ability to see in the dark or what have you. The mirror of past scrying seems self-explanatory, too; presumably, if you looked into the mirror, you could catch a glimpse of the past.
Mind you, given the limitations of the speed of light, you're looking into the past every time you peer into a mirror anyway, even if it is only a nanosecond or so...
"Robe, brown - radiates evocation/alteration magic
Horn of fog production
Girdle of many pouches
A wooden sword: a folding boat
Cube of frost resistance
A net of sharing
Quall's Feather Token of the Fan
Cloak of the Elvenkind
Stone - unidentified grey rock, radiates high magic
Mirror of past scrying"
All this was found in "room #71," or so another scribbled note suggests. (There's also a phone number for "Halls of Adv. + Magic." I don't dare call...)
This many years removed, I can only guess what amazing properties these items may have possessed. The brown robe, radiating evocation/alteration magic, seems as though it may have been useful in such mischief as casting fireballs or turning people into badgers.The horn of fog production doesn't seem very useful, unless you're working as a special effects man on a John Carpenter movie, or if you need some fast cover for a hasty retreat. "A wooden sword: a folding boat" was written exactly that way, colon and all, so it seems that the wooden sword somehow turned into a folding boat...or maybe it's some kind of cryptic Zen koan, who knows?
Cube of frost resistance...not an ice cube, I guess. "Quall's Feather Token of the Fan." Is this one item, or two? Let's see...either Quall (whoever he or she may have been) had a token representing a fan made of a feather, or I simply stolle Quall's Feather, along with a Token of the Fan...a fan? Isn't that sort of anachronistic? I guess it could have been one of those manual fans like geishas have...maybe it was a token of a fanatic...I'm getting a headache.
Cloak of the Elvenkind seems simple enough - a cloak giving me some sort of elven abilities, maybe the ability to see in the dark or what have you. The mirror of past scrying seems self-explanatory, too; presumably, if you looked into the mirror, you could catch a glimpse of the past.
Mind you, given the limitations of the speed of light, you're looking into the past every time you peer into a mirror anyway, even if it is only a nanosecond or so...
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Bulb Enlightenment
Well, it's finally here - Lois Hole's Favorite Bulbs. The first copies of the book came off the presses today, and everyone at Hole's jumped about gleefully as the quality of the finished product set in. It really turned out well; I'm glad I played a role in its creation. The photography is absolutely spectacular; the colours just blew me away.
But, there's no rest for the weary - there's always another book on the horizon, and I started work today on one of our next big projects.
In other news, I had a chance to redeem myself at Sylvia's with another round of Scrabble. But just as I was building up an impressive lead, our pizza arrived, and my plans for sweet revenge were cruelly foiled. By the Gods! Is there no justice? :-O
Ha ha ha...I'm watching another episode of UFO as I write this, and Sky One was just launched to intercept a possible "you-foe..." and it turned out to be a weather baloon. Whoops. Another hundred million pounds down the drain.
Ouch! And a sexy reporter just whacked Straker over the head with an ash tray. Excellent! Except he should have said, "Ow! No one makes an ash out of me!"
Why aren't I writing TV scripts?
But, there's no rest for the weary - there's always another book on the horizon, and I started work today on one of our next big projects.
In other news, I had a chance to redeem myself at Sylvia's with another round of Scrabble. But just as I was building up an impressive lead, our pizza arrived, and my plans for sweet revenge were cruelly foiled. By the Gods! Is there no justice? :-O
Ha ha ha...I'm watching another episode of UFO as I write this, and Sky One was just launched to intercept a possible "you-foe..." and it turned out to be a weather baloon. Whoops. Another hundred million pounds down the drain.
Ouch! And a sexy reporter just whacked Straker over the head with an ash tray. Excellent! Except he should have said, "Ow! No one makes an ash out of me!"
Why aren't I writing TV scripts?
Friday, March 07, 2003
UFO-OH
Whoops...in my last blahg, I made a boo-boo. I called a UFO character "Ken Freeman," when his first name is, in fact, Alec. I'm not sure what I was thinking...
In other news...there is no other news.
In other news...there is no other news.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
UFO
I've been watching Gerry Anderson's 1970s TV series, UFO. It's a post-Thunderbirds, pre-Space: 1999, live-action romp, with all the familiar Anderson hallmarks: transcendent Derrick Meddings model work, peppy music, bizarre fashions, creative sets, a multiethnic mix of characters, and a futuristic setting.
Gerry Anderson's live-action shows, including Space: 1999 and Space Precinct are generally regarded as inferior to his puppet-based, "Supermarionation" efforts - Fireball XL-5, Thunderbirds, and the like. But UFO has surprised me thus far; it shows far more internal consistency than the schizophrenic Space: 1999 ever did, and it's far more tightly written than Space Precinct.
Here's the basic premise: it's the year 1980, and UFOs of unknown origin are swooping down upon a largely unsuspecting Earth, harvesting her citizens for organs. Earth - or rather, the UK - has created a top secret organization, SHADO (Supreme Headquarters Alien Defence Organization) to stop the aliens. SHADO command, hidden beneath a London film studio, is the hub of a far-reaching defence network, including a functioning moonbase with a trio of deadly-looking interceptors, SID (Space Intruder Detector), an artificial intelligence housed within a satellite in Earth orbit, Skydiver, a submarine capable of launching Sky One, an atmospheric fighter plane, and the SHADO mobiles, tracked land vehicles used to hunt down aliens who've managed to penetrate the outer defences and make a landing on Earth. The models are remarkably creative, inspiring a silent "gee whiz!" from anyone who appreciates fine craftsmanship.
American Ed Straker is the show's protagonist, a hard, bitter man who pretends to be a movie producer but secretly commands far greater responsibilities, for he is the commander of SHADO. He is assisted by a much warmer human being, Ken Freeman, his second-in-command and the moral centre of SHADO's claustrophobic universe. These two men, and their huge cadre of secret agents, fighter pilots, submariners, psychologists, and astronauts, fight a silent war for the fate of Earth.
The pilot episode sets the tone for the series: the first hapless humans who spot a UFO are graphically machine-gunned into oblivion by its spacesuited inhabitants, with realistic blood spatters that have excellent shock value even today, let alone in 1970, when the show was originally aired. One member of this unfortunate trio survives his wounds and winds up joining SHADO, but his sister is captured by the aliens. Later, a UFO crashes and an alien is taken into SHADO custody; we discover that the alien has that young woman's organs. It's a chilling scene.
The aliens aren't very alien at all; they're basically human beings with green skin and funky contact lenses. But even as I was thinking to myself, "How cheap; they're just people with bad makeup," one of the characters says, "They're practically identical to us - this green stuff is just chemical residue from their breathing tanks, and these are just contacts to protect them from the sun." By drawing attention to the low-budget makeup, the producers have effectively given us a better mystery to consider: why do these creatures look exactly like us? It should be impossible. But it does explain why they want our organs, or at least it explains why they have a use for them at all.
Commander Straker pronounces "UFO's" as "U-Foes." I'm not sure if the producers intended it, but I interpret this reading as "Unidentified foes," or simply, "you foes." Cool.
The moonbase is populated by three purple-haired British women; one of them, Lt. Ellis, seems to be the nominal commander of the outpost, although in one episode a male, Colonel Foster takes the job, seemingly temporarily. I find it interesting that the producers were willing to position three women as the first line of defence, even if they did put them in skintight silver uniforms and give them fetishistic wigs. Not that I'm complaining...
The show has its faults; often, the aliens appear to be ineffective. In episode after episode, SID detects a UFO (usually a single ship; never more than three), Lt. Ellis scrambles the interceptors, and the UFOs are destroyed. If they slip past the interceptors, you can almost guarantee that Sky One will shoot them down in Earth's atmosphere. Why do they only send just a few ships at once? Why not en masse, since Earth seems to have only three moonbase interceptors and one airborne fighter to defend it? To make matters worse, even if they make it to Earth's surface, UFOs break down in Earth's atmosphere very quickly. The organ harvesting can't be going well with all these limitations, and one wonders why Straker and company are so concerned.
On the other hand, the aliens can be very sneaky. In one memorable episode, a UFO takes advantage of sunspots to slip past Moonbase tracking and lands just a couple of kilometers away from the base. A suited alien steps out with a rifle, creeps towards the base, takes careful aim, and shoots a hole through one of the base's windows. Explosive decompression is the inevitable result, and it's only blind luck that only a single crewman dies. And he's not even blown out the window - the air simply evacuates, and the man slowly suffocates, dying in the airless silence.
The life of a SHADO operative is rarely easy; Commander Straker loses his young son in one episode, largely because of Straker's responsibilities to SHADO. His ex-wife isn't happy, and clearly Straker is shattered by the loss. The atmosphere at SHADO headquarters is almost always tense; there isn't much humour in this show, nor should there be.
Though I've watched less than half of the show's 26 episode run so far, I have to say that I'm impressed. This is one of television's lost gems, and I'm glad I ran across it.
Gerry Anderson's live-action shows, including Space: 1999 and Space Precinct are generally regarded as inferior to his puppet-based, "Supermarionation" efforts - Fireball XL-5, Thunderbirds, and the like. But UFO has surprised me thus far; it shows far more internal consistency than the schizophrenic Space: 1999 ever did, and it's far more tightly written than Space Precinct.
Here's the basic premise: it's the year 1980, and UFOs of unknown origin are swooping down upon a largely unsuspecting Earth, harvesting her citizens for organs. Earth - or rather, the UK - has created a top secret organization, SHADO (Supreme Headquarters Alien Defence Organization) to stop the aliens. SHADO command, hidden beneath a London film studio, is the hub of a far-reaching defence network, including a functioning moonbase with a trio of deadly-looking interceptors, SID (Space Intruder Detector), an artificial intelligence housed within a satellite in Earth orbit, Skydiver, a submarine capable of launching Sky One, an atmospheric fighter plane, and the SHADO mobiles, tracked land vehicles used to hunt down aliens who've managed to penetrate the outer defences and make a landing on Earth. The models are remarkably creative, inspiring a silent "gee whiz!" from anyone who appreciates fine craftsmanship.
American Ed Straker is the show's protagonist, a hard, bitter man who pretends to be a movie producer but secretly commands far greater responsibilities, for he is the commander of SHADO. He is assisted by a much warmer human being, Ken Freeman, his second-in-command and the moral centre of SHADO's claustrophobic universe. These two men, and their huge cadre of secret agents, fighter pilots, submariners, psychologists, and astronauts, fight a silent war for the fate of Earth.
The pilot episode sets the tone for the series: the first hapless humans who spot a UFO are graphically machine-gunned into oblivion by its spacesuited inhabitants, with realistic blood spatters that have excellent shock value even today, let alone in 1970, when the show was originally aired. One member of this unfortunate trio survives his wounds and winds up joining SHADO, but his sister is captured by the aliens. Later, a UFO crashes and an alien is taken into SHADO custody; we discover that the alien has that young woman's organs. It's a chilling scene.
The aliens aren't very alien at all; they're basically human beings with green skin and funky contact lenses. But even as I was thinking to myself, "How cheap; they're just people with bad makeup," one of the characters says, "They're practically identical to us - this green stuff is just chemical residue from their breathing tanks, and these are just contacts to protect them from the sun." By drawing attention to the low-budget makeup, the producers have effectively given us a better mystery to consider: why do these creatures look exactly like us? It should be impossible. But it does explain why they want our organs, or at least it explains why they have a use for them at all.
Commander Straker pronounces "UFO's" as "U-Foes." I'm not sure if the producers intended it, but I interpret this reading as "Unidentified foes," or simply, "you foes." Cool.
The moonbase is populated by three purple-haired British women; one of them, Lt. Ellis, seems to be the nominal commander of the outpost, although in one episode a male, Colonel Foster takes the job, seemingly temporarily. I find it interesting that the producers were willing to position three women as the first line of defence, even if they did put them in skintight silver uniforms and give them fetishistic wigs. Not that I'm complaining...
The show has its faults; often, the aliens appear to be ineffective. In episode after episode, SID detects a UFO (usually a single ship; never more than three), Lt. Ellis scrambles the interceptors, and the UFOs are destroyed. If they slip past the interceptors, you can almost guarantee that Sky One will shoot them down in Earth's atmosphere. Why do they only send just a few ships at once? Why not en masse, since Earth seems to have only three moonbase interceptors and one airborne fighter to defend it? To make matters worse, even if they make it to Earth's surface, UFOs break down in Earth's atmosphere very quickly. The organ harvesting can't be going well with all these limitations, and one wonders why Straker and company are so concerned.
On the other hand, the aliens can be very sneaky. In one memorable episode, a UFO takes advantage of sunspots to slip past Moonbase tracking and lands just a couple of kilometers away from the base. A suited alien steps out with a rifle, creeps towards the base, takes careful aim, and shoots a hole through one of the base's windows. Explosive decompression is the inevitable result, and it's only blind luck that only a single crewman dies. And he's not even blown out the window - the air simply evacuates, and the man slowly suffocates, dying in the airless silence.
The life of a SHADO operative is rarely easy; Commander Straker loses his young son in one episode, largely because of Straker's responsibilities to SHADO. His ex-wife isn't happy, and clearly Straker is shattered by the loss. The atmosphere at SHADO headquarters is almost always tense; there isn't much humour in this show, nor should there be.
Though I've watched less than half of the show's 26 episode run so far, I have to say that I'm impressed. This is one of television's lost gems, and I'm glad I ran across it.
Monday, March 03, 2003
Canadian Authors Share Their Experiences at Grant MacEwan Talk
I don't have much to write about tonight, so I thought I'd share an assignment I completed a couple of years ago for a Grant MacEwan journalism course. If you have any interest at all in writing, perhaps this will be of interest.
Canadian Authors Share Their Experiences at Grant MacEwan Talk
An informal discussion on the life of a typical writer turned into a sometimes-heated debate on the ethics of the editorial process.
Canadian authors Alberto Manguel, Peter Oliva, and Thomas Horton were the guests at the seminar, held at Grant MacEwan Community College on Thursday. The talk was entitled “Calling or Mauling?” in recognition of the struggles authors often face when attempting to make a living as a writer.
Horton began the discussion by relating the experiences leading to the publication of his novel Icefields. “I wrote my own comic books as a kid, but it took me a while to realize that I could actually make a living as a writer.”
Horton said that the first time he’d shown his creative writing to anyone other than family members was at a creative writing course at the University of Alberta taught by Greg Hollingshead. There, Horton began working on a short story that eventually evolved into Icefields.
“It took a while to figure out what the hell I was writing about,” he said.
Horton passed the book on to another noted Alberta author, Rudy Wiebe. A member of the editorial board of NeWest Press, Wiebe recommended the book for publication. Icefields has since become an international bestseller.
Oliva, who operates a Calgary bookstore in addition to his writing career, said that he got into writing because he was “very bad at mathematics.” While studying computer science, Oliva rediscovered his love of stories and decided to change his field of study.
“I have to give some of the credit for my success to my dad, who was pretty famous back home for his different versions of 'Jack and the Beanstalk,'” he said.
Oliva, too, took a creative writing course in university.
“There, criticism was used like a farm implement. You’d wield a pitchfork like a samurai sword, and you had to develop a thick skin.”
Oliva sent his first novel, Dreaming in Darkness, to several publishers. When the post office asked him how much the package was worth, Oliva simply wrote “thousands” in recognition of all of the time and effort spent in creating his manuscript.
“What I didn’t know was that Canada Post sends stuff worth over $500 with armed guards, so the publishers took notice when this package showed up.”
Manguel, a Canadian of Argentinean origin, is the co-author of The Dictionary of Imaginary Places, the author of A History of Reading, and a noted anthologist. He noted that his experience had been very different than his younger compatriots. “In Argentina, the notion of having creative writing courses is totally alien. Indeed, no one expects writing to provide financial support.”
He called Canada “a society in which writing is cushioned in every possible way.”
Manguel admitted to being “shocked by the arrogance” of editors. “In Argentina, the writer writes, and the publisher publishes. There is no editor. Indeed, I am enormously wary of the intervention of editors.”
Manguel alluded to a “lost literature” of Canada, the unchanged, unedited works of Canadian authors. He went on to say that Cervantes and Shakespeare certainly never had to endure the interference of editors.
This sparked a heated reply from Rudy Wiebe, in attendance at the event.
“Shakespeare’s early plays are idiotic,” he said, “do we want to live in a 16th century world? Editors make better books.”
“Aren’t writers often editors?” another member of the audience asked.
“The nasty answer is, they’re frustrated writers,” Manguel replied, “but of course that’s not always the case.”
Manguel admitted that editors could have a positive influence on authors, citing his own editor Barbara Moss.
“She would ask me of my stories, ‘Why are you telling me this, a perfect stranger?’ That question always helped me to create better works.”
On the calling of writing, Manguel said “If you ask yourself ‘Should I write?’ the answer is no.”
Canadian Authors Share Their Experiences at Grant MacEwan Talk
An informal discussion on the life of a typical writer turned into a sometimes-heated debate on the ethics of the editorial process.
Canadian authors Alberto Manguel, Peter Oliva, and Thomas Horton were the guests at the seminar, held at Grant MacEwan Community College on Thursday. The talk was entitled “Calling or Mauling?” in recognition of the struggles authors often face when attempting to make a living as a writer.
Horton began the discussion by relating the experiences leading to the publication of his novel Icefields. “I wrote my own comic books as a kid, but it took me a while to realize that I could actually make a living as a writer.”
Horton said that the first time he’d shown his creative writing to anyone other than family members was at a creative writing course at the University of Alberta taught by Greg Hollingshead. There, Horton began working on a short story that eventually evolved into Icefields.
“It took a while to figure out what the hell I was writing about,” he said.
Horton passed the book on to another noted Alberta author, Rudy Wiebe. A member of the editorial board of NeWest Press, Wiebe recommended the book for publication. Icefields has since become an international bestseller.
Oliva, who operates a Calgary bookstore in addition to his writing career, said that he got into writing because he was “very bad at mathematics.” While studying computer science, Oliva rediscovered his love of stories and decided to change his field of study.
“I have to give some of the credit for my success to my dad, who was pretty famous back home for his different versions of 'Jack and the Beanstalk,'” he said.
Oliva, too, took a creative writing course in university.
“There, criticism was used like a farm implement. You’d wield a pitchfork like a samurai sword, and you had to develop a thick skin.”
Oliva sent his first novel, Dreaming in Darkness, to several publishers. When the post office asked him how much the package was worth, Oliva simply wrote “thousands” in recognition of all of the time and effort spent in creating his manuscript.
“What I didn’t know was that Canada Post sends stuff worth over $500 with armed guards, so the publishers took notice when this package showed up.”
Manguel, a Canadian of Argentinean origin, is the co-author of The Dictionary of Imaginary Places, the author of A History of Reading, and a noted anthologist. He noted that his experience had been very different than his younger compatriots. “In Argentina, the notion of having creative writing courses is totally alien. Indeed, no one expects writing to provide financial support.”
He called Canada “a society in which writing is cushioned in every possible way.”
Manguel admitted to being “shocked by the arrogance” of editors. “In Argentina, the writer writes, and the publisher publishes. There is no editor. Indeed, I am enormously wary of the intervention of editors.”
Manguel alluded to a “lost literature” of Canada, the unchanged, unedited works of Canadian authors. He went on to say that Cervantes and Shakespeare certainly never had to endure the interference of editors.
This sparked a heated reply from Rudy Wiebe, in attendance at the event.
“Shakespeare’s early plays are idiotic,” he said, “do we want to live in a 16th century world? Editors make better books.”
“Aren’t writers often editors?” another member of the audience asked.
“The nasty answer is, they’re frustrated writers,” Manguel replied, “but of course that’s not always the case.”
Manguel admitted that editors could have a positive influence on authors, citing his own editor Barbara Moss.
“She would ask me of my stories, ‘Why are you telling me this, a perfect stranger?’ That question always helped me to create better works.”
On the calling of writing, Manguel said “If you ask yourself ‘Should I write?’ the answer is no.”
Sunday, March 02, 2003
Scrambled Ego
I visited my new friend Sylvia last night for a no-holds-barred Scrabble session. But the unthinkable happened - I was soundly defeated, not once, but TWICE in a row! INCONCEIVABLE!
Well, not really that inconceivable. Still, I must plot my revenge. I can only shake my fists over my head screaming "INCONCEIVABLE!" so many times before I need a new schtick.
Well, not really that inconceivable. Still, I must plot my revenge. I can only shake my fists over my head screaming "INCONCEIVABLE!" so many times before I need a new schtick.
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