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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Argh! Channel

I despise the reality TV phenomenon, and yet I keep thinking of new ways to exploit it. In a dark, dystopian future, I envision an entire channel dedicated to those incredibly painful accidents that often figure into reality shows: it's called Argh!, and here are a few potential shows:

Canada’s Most Chilling Bandsaw Accidents
Amateur woodworkers compete to create ashtrays, candlesticks, and other useless geegaws - all without a single minute of safety training, or for that matter, equipment. Of course, private clinics are close by for fast (if expensive) treatment.

Nude Paintball Championships
Post-secondary students desperate for cash for tuition and books have a chance to win it all - if they agree to compete, nude, in a no-holds-barred paintball championship played in an abandoned cement quarry.

Dart Fight
Drunken fools fight with darts for free pitchers of beer.

Hammer Fight
Convicted felons fight with hammers for the chance to win early parole.

America’s Funniest Falling-Down-the-Stairs Videos
The title says it all. There's more of this sort of footage than you may think.

Xtreme Bottle to the Teeth Trials
Xtreme Teens prove their street cred and win Xtreme prizes by allowing their friends to assault them with glass bottles - bottles full of the hottest new energy drinks and sodas.

Sledgehammer Soccer
All the excitement of soccer, all the mayhem of sledgehammers.

Marquis de Sade of Queensbury Rules Boxing
No gloves? No mouth protector? No problem! Slip into your gonch, wrap your fist around a roll of quarters, and step into the ring to fight other desperate souls for a shot at winning a month's ration of Victory Gin.

World’s Dumbest Rednecks
Bread and Circuses in the sticks! Keep the population ignorant enough, and they'll do anything...from voting for reactionary candidates in spite of their own best interests to blowing up old refrigerators with found munitions, the World's Dumbest Rednecks will provide ample distraction from the issues of the day.

Celebrity Coconut Fight
The people love their celebrities almost as much as they hate them, and now they can punish their most despised has-beens by nominating them for Celebrity Coconut Fight! Washed-up celebs (in particular, those pinko liberals) are rounded up and tossed into Coconut Plaza, where they'll fight their fellow stars by hurling hard, milk-filled coconuts at each other! They're not just fighting for chimp change - they're fighting for their lives!

Let's Make a Bloody Mess
Monty Hall's clone hosts this exciting new game show, in which members of the studio audience act as inconspicuously as possible, hoping to avoid Hall's evil eye. Losing contestants are marched onstage and forced to pick door one, door two, or door three. One door hides a glamorous prize; another, a man-eating tiger; a third, a claymore antipersonnel mine. Everyone's a winner on Let's Make a Bloody Mess! Well, not really.

Cooking with Dynamite
Subversive chefs are rounded up to prepare tasty meals for the ruling class. If the meals fail to please, the cook must try again - but this time, the meal is prepared with an extra ingredient: sweaty dynamite. One false move, and the cook's goose - along with all other ingredients - is cooked!

Guns and Butter
Starving proles have a chance to earn groceries for the week - but only if they're willing to turn the aisles into a shooting gallery. Armed with a shopping cart and a six-shooter, each desperate shopper must survive flying bullets while racing the clock to fill their carts with as much desperately-needed food as possible. Cleanup in aisle 4!

Playground Pandemonium
Children know all about social Darwinism, and now they can experience it in all its brutal glory. It's bullies versus geeks and outcasts in the ultimate showdown: brains against brawn, with no holds barred, and no teachers allowed! (Except to watch in horror.)


Anonymous said...

Certainly you must mean "All the excitement of soccer, all the SEXY of sledgehammers."

Earl J. Woods said...

It's a fair cop.