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Monday, March 12, 2012

New TV Series: Maladroit

For many years now, I've kicked around the idea of developing a sitcom for Paranoid Productions. Unfortunately one of my best ideas runs the risk of offending a lot of people if handled without sensitivity. Actually, let's be realistic; it would be practically impossible to handle a show like this with any sensitivity at all. So let's pretend that the producers are clueless blockheads. Only utter imbeciles could come up with a show like...

Series Bible by 
Earl J. Woods
Ralph Pseudonym

Our show brings together six very different young people, each with an unusual - but real! - medical condition.

June has alien hand syndrome; her left arm acts against her will without warning.

Bobby is afflicted with blindsight, a condition that robs him of normal vision and yet allows him to avoid obstacles and even projectiles; he "sees" without perceiving that he sees.

Claude has Jumping Frenchmen of Maine. This very rare neurological disorder causes Claude to jump, shriek and flail his limbs wildly when startled.

Sandra has sexsomnia; she frequently has sex while sound asleep.

George has pica, an uncontrollable impulse to snack on glue, paper, soil and other unpalatable materials.

And Lynn suffers from cataplexy; strong emotions such as laughter cause her to pass out.

In our pilot, we learn that these six people have volunteered to serve as subjects for a five-year clinical study for an unnamed Canadian university. In return for a generous living wage, our sextet will live in a spacious three-story house in a quiet, even staid, suburban neighbourhood. Each week, the medical researchers will monitor George, Sandra, Claude, Bobby and June and conduct well meaning (but sometimes sadistic) social experiments on them. How will the Maladroits handle a group grocery shopping trip or a volunteer shift at a casino night? Will friendships or even romances develop among the Maladroits, or will they seek companions outside the group? What happens when they tackle group projects together - preparing Christmas dinner, repairing a leaky roof, getting rid of persistent door-to-door salesmen? How can June and Claude succeed at World of Warcraft given their conditions? What happens when the group goes out to support Bobby at a comedy club's open mike night?

To complicate matters further, it turns out that the scientists in charge didn't conduct enough screening to ensure there would be no serious personality conflicts. George is a practical joker, and takes full advantage of Claude's vulnerability to scares. Lynn enjoys crafting, and has a large supply of glue, paper and other supplies that George finds irresistible. June is a performance artist and dancer and crafts elaborate sets to practice - sets that turn into background running gags for Bobby and his blindsight. Bobby is a failed stand-up comic, always trying his routines on the others, but only Lynn finds him funny - and often passes out from laughter. June, on the other hand, is bisexual - sort of. She identifies as straight, but her alien hand adores sexsomniac Sandra. A touching romance between June's hand and Sandra's unconscious body will form one of the series mytharcs. Ironically, Sandra and June can't stand each other!

Over the course of the first season, our characters will attempt to become a functioning part of their cosmopolitan, multicultural community. Pratfalls and misunderstandings will complicate their efforts to fit in - a sly commentary on the subtle frictions of the cultural mosaic. Every half-dozen episodes or so we'll bring in our "mad" scientists to measure their subjects' progress (look for big-name guest stars for these Very Special Episodes).

While our show is meant to provoke laughs, the series arc challenges viewers to see these "funny" medical conditions in a new light. As the series progresses, we will learn that the scientists have brought these characters together for a greater purpose, and for the first time in television history, with the premiere of season three, our half-hour sitcom will switch formats to an hourlong science-fiction conspiracy theory drama! Once the butt of jokes, our heroes will now be SUPERheroes fighting a millennia-old alien conspiracy that only the combined special abilities of the Maladroits can stop! June's alien hand will take over as mission commander. George's pica will enable him to eat the alien paper-and-glue-technology based weapons. Claude's panic reflexes will inadvertently save him and the group from dangerous situations. Bobby's blindsight will enable him to perceive alien weaknesses. And as for Sandra - it turns out that her sleeping self has some very, very special talents...

Can the Maladroits save their suburb - and ultimately the world - from ancient alien domination? Buy this series and YOU and millions of viewers will find out!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am so appalled by this I refuse to put my name to my comment. Someday, someone nice might want to hire me, and if Google makes the link between me and this post, it's game over.

Actually there's two things that in this 24-hour period have made me come full stop with brain gag. One was this post, the other was the revelation that Gillian Anderson had a prolonged lesbian sexual relationship before she bacame a TV star. That still makes me pause for thought.

Maybe Agent Scully would be available to be the on-site Administrator for the Fun House...?